There is no need for such an electorate.

One day, at the end of the 1990s, the secretary of our general (I don't remember how she was called, like Ira, let it be Ira, what a difference) called, and a man at the end of the wire, presented as an employee of the Babushkin ROVD, asked if there is a citizen in the staff of our enterprise. He named Fio a citizen.
Ira worked in the company for a year without a week, and not all employees knew not what by name, but even in the face. But the name, which the law enforcement officer named, was well known to her. It was the name of the general.
It works. – confirmed Ira, and clarified: – And what, forgive me, happened?
In response, the police officer with a tired voice that the citizen was detained by the employees of their department in an absolutely untouchable condition, that he disclosed that he resisted during the detention, that he caused material damage to official property, and the issue of initiating a criminal case against him is now being decided.
Sorry, why are you calling here?
Therefore, the employee explained that the citizen had no money, no documents, nothing but a package of business cards with this phone.
Here, Ira had some noise in the tube, and the voice somewhere in the background began to yell out non-memberly insults and threats. It was difficult to understand what the speaker was shouting, but the voice definitely belonged to her boss.
The interlocutor turned away and shouted somewhere by the phone:
You have to hide him! Take it and lock it in the monkey!
Have you heard? If, before the end of the working day, one of the relatives or fellow servants, no matter who, comes to the department, confirms the identity of the citizen, pays a fine, reimburses the material damage in the form of two broken buttons on the uniform of the senior sergeant of the patrol-post service, then it will be possible to arrange everything and make it an administrative offence. If not, then in the evening the citizen will go to Siso, and how it will be there, no one can say.
"Sorry," said Irma, "can you introduce me again to whom I should speak, if anything?
- Grandmother's ROVD, - the interlocutor answered clearly and separately, so that Ira had time to write, - senior investigator major Pronin. If I suddenly don’t find myself there, just go to the officer. By the end of the day, the decision will be in its competence.
The first thing Ira did, after the major hanged the telephone at that end, was to tap the boss’s number. The subscriber, as expected, was unavailable. However, it would be unavailable in any case. Because it was at this time that the general was supposed to be in Sokolniki for negotiations with the Japanese. Irma knew this very well. They all knew.
Then she took the reference book, and found there the phone of Grandma’s ROVD.
Bu Bu Bu Bu Bu! He was presented at the end of the service.
Hi to you! I said IRA. Can I hear Major Pronin?
of whom? Asked the officer.
Senior Investigator Major Pronin. I have clarified IRA.
After a second, the officer said to someone past the pipe: "Major Pronin is being asked. “Where is Major Pronin?” – “Tell me, he’s gone. Take the gang.”
Major Pronin is out. Can I help you something?
No thank you! Irene said and put the phone on. The last doubts that the boss was really in trouble dissipated her.
Therefore, IRA was in a very difficult situation. She could not consult with anyone, because she had the reputation of the boss. It was necessary to act quickly and independently.
So she went to the accounting office, took the money under account, called the driver of the accelerated office car, and went to the other end of Moscow to rescue the boss from the chain legs of orders.
It is necessary to say that upon arrival it quickly became clear - no citizen with the name of the chief, as well as no major Pronin, was born again in the Babushkin ROVD.
How is it? IRA was confused. Why not there? I called you an hour ago! You told me that Major Pronin was out!
You would have asked me more about Commissioner Megre. Do you know who Major Pronin is?
Irene nodded her head negatively.
Oh my God! He told someone behind his back. Generation of tamagochi and chupa-chups.
Then he turned to Irene again and asked.
What number do you know today?
Ira sneezed, looked up at the ceiling, and said.
Of course! The first April.
First of April, Major Pronin! Destroyed the officer. Go home, you have just been struck!

All the way back, Ira was thoughtfully silent, and only when they approached the office she suddenly asked the driver.
– Volodya, I’m sorry, but you don’t know by chance who Commissioner Megre is?

By the time IRA returned, the boss was already there. Hearing her story, he immediately ordered to find Leo. No doubt in whose hands this affair, the boss did not even arise.
However, Leo went into a deaf unconsciousness. He swore that he was sitting in the dentist’s chair all morning. He opened his mouth wide and offered the boss to look at the hole in his tooth, which allegedly still smoked from the drill. Eventually, in the absence of direct evidence, the boss shrugged his hand, and Leo got away with a slight fright. He acknowledged the authority of this scam only almost a year later, at the New Year's corporation, being not quite sober when the danger of retaliation passed.

A few words about Leo. If the saying "I am a fool, and your jokes are stupid" was invented and not about Leo, then he made an incredible effort to fully conform to it. The whole office knew of his pathological passion for all kinds of jokes and surprises.
However, in fact, no fool Leo was, and his jokes were different, from the most harmless, to those for whom they could easily take off the butt.

For example, when one night he chaotically changed the numbers on the service gazelles from our fleet, he had to take a week's leave at his expense, until the outraged drivers stopped interested in his health.

Or the harmless fireworks in the form of a bottle of champagne, which he brought to the accounting office, with the words "it's you our clients asked to pass on." And when the bottle instead of the golden drink began to erupt from itself a pillar of fire, smoke, and wind, the entire accounting lay under the tables. After that, the principal declared Leo an office terrorist and personal enemy.

Or when one day Leo didn't get his favorite cocktails in the office dining room, and he with the words "Let you squeeze your cocktails!", went out the window right from the fourth floor. And when everyone wept and rushed to the windows with screams, he came back and said, "Well, well, so and be, persuaded, sausages so sausages."
And most importantly, absolutely everybody knew that it was under this window hanging a building swing, but the effect of surprise worked smoothly. As a result, Leo managed to get rid of a couple of backbones, and one of the chefs had to be fed with nitroglycerin.

However, the jokes are jokes, but even the most frozen trolls have taboo, or as it is now common to say, red lines. Such a red line for Lova was Margarita Nikolaevna, the head of our department. Margarita Nikolaevna was not just a boss, she was an authority. Even the general spoke to her downwards.
Our small department consisted of only four people, and occupied a rather spacious room on the second floor, in the far corner of which the chief’s office was fitted.
That day, somewhere after lunch, Margarita Nikolaevna came out of the office and said:
I went for negotiations. I will no longer be here today, until tomorrow.
The loss of the chief, however democratic it may be, brings a note of relaxation into the working atmosphere. Therefore, as soon as the door behind Margarita Nikolaevna closed, Leo collapsed in a chair, threw his hands over his head, put his feet on the table, and said:
and yes! Do you know that tomorrow is April 1st? Do you think we can make a little surprise for Margarita Nikolaevna?
“Lyve,” said Yulia, our operational officer, “and go in your ass with your surprises!
No, I am in a good sense. said the lion.
He shared his idea.
“Let’s,” he said, “blow up a lot of balloons and fill the cabinet of Margarita Nikolaevna with them. Do you imagine? She comes in the morning, opens the office, and from there balls, balls, balls!
The idea was not bad. The main thing is harmless, not stupid.
and normal. How many balls do I need? I asked Julia.
Leo threw something on a sheet of paper and gave it in a minute.
Well, somewhere, probably six hundred or seven hundred balls.
and oh! Yulia has swallowed. Where are we going to get so many balls?
How about where? I was surprised by Leo. In Aachen of course! I have already agreed with Nikolai Ivanovich!
In the economic department of the balls really was at least a drink of food, they were purchased wholesale to decorate the stands at exhibitions. There was also a compressor. We closed up in the department, and the work got stuck. It took us three or four hours to do everything. When we finished, the door of the office was closed with a lot of hard work and a pleasant whistle.

In the morning, neither light nor dawn, we were already sitting in our seats, awaiting the appearance of Margarita Nikolaevna. Before nine she never came.
At 15 minutes she wasn’t there. Leo was already worried and upset when at half ten his phone ringed on his desk.
Lions and Hello! - said Margarita Nikolaevna at the end of the wire. Are you okay? I am late, and I have a request for you. Be my friend, I have a red leather folder on my desk. Please take her, I’ll wait at the phone.
And your mother!! I broke through the teeth of a lion.
And while Yulia and I were holding the door opened, he was on his four legs, thirsty and motherly, crawling through the balls deep into the cabinet. A couple of times inside the cabinet loud cotton and mat was distributed, and finally with a red folder in the teeth of the Lion came back.
I found it, Margarita Nikolaevna!
“Please open it,” she said.
Leo opened the file.
There was nothing in the file.
Margarita Nikolaevna, there is nothing. The lion said surprised.
It cannot be! Margarita Nikolaevna said. Look closer, it must be.
Leo stood with a cell phone in his hand in front of an empty folder.
There is nothing, Margarita Nikolaevna! Just a bullshit!
Here is! Margarita Nikolaevna said. That’s exactly what we need! On the first of April, my dear. What do you think you will do next?
Margaret Nikolaevna laughed and laid the phone.

He stood there, my dear mother. The whole office ran away to cheer, and watch Leo, with two bullets in front of him, shouting, “Yes, I saw such jokes in the grave!” goes to attack the balls.

What is the maximum discount you can offer me?
and 100%. You pay nothing, we do nothing.

Hehe, so we had a joke, we urgently needed Sisadmin, and here we conduct a dozen interviews, the whole department comes up with questions, tests, and so on. Karoch, in 3 weeks we choose a candidate that everyone agrees with, the guy is really crazy, a huge experience. We confirm him. The final interview with the Investor General. Eventually he will be paid his salary. We told him all about him there, he agrees in everything that said yes, prof, all that, I don't shout, but once you chose - then okay, I trust you.



Karoch, he enters him, and... leaves in 15 seconds. And he leaves. There is no scene. As the head of the department, I didn’t understand what kind of shit.



Director, what have you not seen? He has an ear in his ear, he is a pidor, I don't need them, I sent him to the nakher."



and ghetto. A kind of uncle.

I was at sea with my wife. A number of houses, a number of handwashers and a pavilion on the street. I wake up in the morning and have no wife. I go out - bending near the laundry machine, my wife brushes her teeth, I approach, tightly press, take my hands behind my chest and say 'Hello, how are you doing?' and. Responding and answering is OK. I feel my hands – it’s not right. I turn my head, in 3 steps, my wife sits in the pavilion in the same crazy nightmare and drinks coffee! It was funny and shameful at the same time.

Xxx: I once sat in the road with a guy somewhat unfamiliar. He cuts and cuts on me.

I sit and think, what’s wrong? It looks like he is in order, dressed normally. So what, what?? to

And then he gets a cell phone, shows me silently the screen. There is my face on the back. I looked, well, very similar to the girl, only brown eyes, and I have green. The Miracles)

P.S. Jokes about "with makeup all girls are the same" are not suitable, I am virtually not colored.

I come home somewhere in the late 90s and see on my wife’s face that the shake is going to be a shit. But she suddenly somehow exhales, relaxes and continues to behave as usual – welcoming and positive.

It turned out (it took a long time to try out) that she was in the bus and saw out the window, as I was kissing with some telecome near the fountain. She jumped out at the next stop, ran back to organize genocide and quartering for everyone, but no one was found on the scene.

I was only saved by the fact that my double at the fountain was in a blue jacket. And my exactly the same blue hanged at the time at home in the closet, I walked in black, in it and came from work.

According to my wife, there was my absolute double, to the smallest details and gestures, and if the colour of the jacket coincided, no arguments would help, she would not believe in my innocence.

She was jealous of the shopkeeper, so they eventually divorced. 

Peter is usually not alone. He can be Ilf and Petrov, Petrov and Vasekkin, Petrov and Bashirov. And if he is alone, it means Petrov-Vodkin.

We work with my husband hanging TVs on the wall and hiding wires-boxes. A few paintings from the workplace. Below is an example of what we do.
Arrived on order. The TV is not unpacked, it is in a box, but the gardens pull out of it. During the move, a coincidence happened, as a result, the TV was pierced through the gardens like a shampoo. E... and how? The owners said that the new TV has already been bought (by the culprits) exactly the same, so please do everything, and bring it and it will only be hanged. We are what? We did nothing, once the sizes matched, everything was done, the payment was received and we went to the next order.
Arrived on order. There is no TV! of the word at all. Delivery from abroad, delayed, will arrive only in a week. Mllll...blll...there are no words of saliva, they could warn, they called out that we were going, in an hour we will be. Snipped 10 backs for a false call on gasoline, re-formed the order. Everything was done in a week.
Arrived on order. The TV is there, even unpacked, the harpoons do not shake, but... no walls. The wall was not carrying, false. There are bars between which the glass is wrapped or how this filler is called. An hour before us came to put the air conditioner and something went wrong there, the wall was broken.Suddened the tenth for a false call, advised to raise the socket that would be behind the TV. Everything was done in a week. Even a discount on that ten for the root that was hidden behind the TV made. Work has made us much easier.
The professional deformation. Like a real woman, I have insulator and cable straps in my bag. The divorce key. The small. I went to the fruit store, there two men at the refrigerator shelf are riding, repairing. One says, “So if I ask someone to give me an isolation now, who do you think will give it?” I silently extend his isolation.

I could never understand, and I probably won’t understand, why Western apples and tomatoes need to be pushed, and their iPhones and computers – not!? to

The FBK case was listened to in a closed mode, because it contains secret materials.

Don’t we know all the palaces yet?? to

A large swarm near the sarai, where we had snows from the yard all the winter, did not melt before the May holidays.
On a hot spring day, playing in the courtyard, I noticed a traffic jamming from a melting swarm. He pulled and pulled out a whole, untouched bottle of vodka.
Nothing surprising was this, the father sometimes on the way home hid his ass in such a way that there was something to heal in the morning.
I picked up the bottle and joyfully ran into the house.
and Dad! and Dad! Look what I found!
Oh you are! – said the father, and clarified, looking at the label. Where are you?
and there! In the shrine of Sarai!
The mother, who was sitting in the room and stuffing something, was unhappy with the topic of "alcoholics who will hide, and they themselves do not remember where they hid." Nothing good was predicted.
Meanwhile, the father opened the bottle, smelled, made a swallow straight out of his throat, and suddenly splashed.
The water! He said confused.
The water? My mother questioned suspiciously.
Well the sticks! My father broke. I'm glad I'll have something to drink after the bath!
- To you, alcoholics, what a bath, not a bath, just a reason! My mother burst. Where is the water from? Was it exhausted?
Under the blockade? No, it should not. The Father said.
He again thoughtfully smelled out of the bottle, and suddenly said.
Look, what is the number?
My mother raised her eyes to the calendar.
It was April 1st in the morning.
Well then I understand! He stumbled on his father’s forehead. His father’s son played. The young man! And the traffic jamming, most importantly, how clever it was, I didn’t even notice.
He approached his mother and threw her bottle throat under her nose.
If you don’t believe it, smell it yourself.
It is to the corpse! Mother is out. Smell any other infection.
Her mood clearly improved. She laughed, stood up, opened the closet, took the chocolate from the top shelf hidden for this occasion, and handed me the words.
The boy, the boy! We need these alcoholics!
And the upset father went to the kitchen, and demonstrately poured the contents of the bottle into the dishwasher. His mother watched the process on his shoulder.
The most important thing is the vodka of Yaroslavl. My mother showed me the label. We didn’t sell this time!
He breathed out again, threatened me with a finger, and placed an empty bottle at half a dozen of them in the corner.

However, from the bath, the father returned unusually cheerful and conversational.
I found it somewhere! My mother was surprised.
What a man will not find after a bath drink! My father laughed, looked at me, and suddenly blinked. This is not Christian!
My mother responded with her hand on him.

And for me it remained a mystery how cleverly and at what moment my father tricked to replace the bottle I found in the shed with a bottle of water, which he poured into the dishwasher.
I didn’t ask, and now I don’t know who.

The Deputy Prime Minister of the Russian Federation proposed to reduce the number of regions through their unification.
I propose to reduce the number of officials, through their unification in one place, on the Colyme.

The man took his girlfriend home. He loved his girlfriend very much, simply adored it, and could not wait for the date to end.

Ask me why? No, not in anticipation of loving delights and gentle feelings, he just had a very swollen stomach.

I had to smile, hold on to a lucky bite, but the cold sweat came out on his youthful forehead and everything bubbled treacherously in the gut.

Near her house, the girl invited a guy to visit her, motivating this with the absence of her parents. It’s stupid not to agree, right?

And, the guy from the last forces, having gathered his will and his betrayal belly in a single piece of nerves, boldly stepped into the rescue shell, hoping to relieve from the cursed meteorism as soon as possible.

Entering the hallway, the girl whispered to her lover that he should enter the room, and she said she would go to the kitchen and prepare something for tea.

The guy, in a semi-deaf state, felt in the darkness what a door and literally crashed into a dark room, deep into the lungs of the air, he sown released from his boiling volcano a long drizzling sound of an orchestral helicopter.

And, beginning to squeeze, he nervously tried to squeeze out of his belly all the gases that had long tormented him.

It was like some wild African dance, with its own accompaniment.

Then, to hide the traces, he smelled a terrible odor, he invented nothing more than to remove the painting from the wall and scatter it around the room.

After the exhausting creative action, when he last waved, like an albatros winged painting, the light turned on.

Why did you not turn on the lights? His girlfriend knocked off the switch and...

Have you read Gogol’s Revisor? Remember, at the end of the dark scene?

Imagine a guy standing in the middle of a room, holding a picture in his hands.

And on the couch, with the eyes drawn out of horror, lies a sweet couple - her sister and her husband, tightly pressed to each other, with the appearance as if they were flying down in a burning plane.

Imagine what a shock they experienced when, as soon as they began to fall asleep, someone broke into the room in complete darkness, sitting down, began to whisper loudly and, then, taking the painting off the wall, began to mock it, as if he was conducting some satanic ritual.

Xxx: Fuck, I recently got out of the courtyard and tastefully kicked in the car, the fucking smell is up the eye cuts. And at this moment a neighbor comes, with whom I have mutual sympathy. She sees me, I see her, I smile at her, and she’s supposed to stop, apparently to go where I should, and I’ve gone by. The pirate...

Often the exchange of opinions turns into an exchange of insults. But he rarely exchanges compliments. Something is wrong with those opinions.

I rented an apartment with a student. Sometimes I get a fake Tinder account, get acquainted with it there and after a short flirt I promise to come visit. It’s nice to see him beat our apartment afterwards!

Russia is such an open country that our secret agents are world celebrities.

Xxx: As a child, I was pursued by a nightmare, I periodically woke up from the fact that someone was looking at me through the window (in the second floor). This "somebody" was a character from the book, (I tried to stumble this book - it didn't come out)

And then, a couple of years ago, I dreamed I could fly as Superman, and I decided to fly to my village. It’s midnight and what to do? Let me look out my window, and I saw a little frightened self there!

This is how my brain jokes about me :)

Xxx: I was surprised as a child by the Italian fairy tale "The Wise Catherine". If briefly - after the wedding, the couple did not get along, and the man, throwing his beloved wife into the well, went on a tour to meet the adventures, and the port ladies. The wife, coming out of the well, followed him to Naples, Genoa and Venice, where changing clothes and haircuts intercepted the faithful before the local priests of love. The husband (who most likely had slight vision and brain problems), after a couple or three years, was tired of the catch, and returned home to check whether he had been widowed during this time. When he arrived, his wife met him with three children, whom she named by the towns where they were conceived (fantasy, hello). Then they hugged, and heep-and.