Ironic about life.

Anyone who has gone over but does not want to leave must be planted.

It was somewhat cold. Ten degrees, rain, wind, I go out of the store, bored under the umbrella.
I see a boy in front. Maybe nine years. Sandals on bare feet, shorts, and shorts with a short sleeve. Brightly yellow.
I was overwhelmed. Ten degrees, in sensations like a fierce zero, rain, wind, and this cheerful little bitch in a bright yellow shirt, goes like nothing else, and eats ice cream.
The main thing is that he doesn’t run in a jump, squeezing from the cold, doesn’t squeeze, like all normal people, but goes so well. Not in a hurry, all concentrating on this Eskimo.
We arrived at the same time. I, bored, and he, pleased that it is cold outdoors, and so the ice cream does not melt so quickly.
A neighbor from the seventh. I know all the children in the entrance, but they are growing so fast, yesterday only in the sandbox slipped, today for beer stands.
I go into the elevator, look at him, and ask.
Do you not feel cold!? to
No of course! I was surprised by this humble, joyful bastard. I am in Mike!

When I learned about the closure of the search engine "Sputnik", in the development of which was invested 2 billion rubles and you think: I could have developed a non-functioning search engine for a smaller amount.

xxx: Cotton with a negative increase in the number of glasses in the car

YYY: Can you say anything more in Russian journalism?

The xxx:

We have a good rate of negative growth.

Do you mean “economic downturn”?

No to growth. Just a negative. The pace is very good.

A colleague of work said:

I am on a trip to the town. I sit in the hotel, walk into the room, check out.

Beautiful room, huge bathroom with jacuzzi, the size of a small pool.

I begin to work out things, expecting how I will now ballet in this very jacuzzi and thinking whether to order a champagne in the room.

At this time, a delicate knock on the door. I open - the maid stands and puts two hives with water on the threshold.

This is for the toilet.

Meaning for the toilet?

There is no water.

How about... jacuzzi.

- Aaaah, well if you want to wash, you call, I’ll warm your water.

As a student, I decided to work in the city’s amusement park during the summer holidays. Sphere of service, fu – I know, but it’s better than sitting at home and shooting at mommy’s bowl.

My first attraction was a chain carousel. Every morning, the duty mechanics examined your attraction, you could tell them about some kind of squid that they were obliged to remove and finally, to schedule in the journal - said, all type-top. The "chain" was a new one, but Chinese, which is why there were constant problems with it. For example, at the end of three minutes of rotation, the program had to turn off the engine and drop the hydraulic along with all passengers under a fun braking. Just just? Yes is. What could go wrong? Yes all! The most common problem was the descent: the rotation stopped, and people hanged four meters above the ground. The challenge of mechanics, some manipulation in the womb of this satanic machine and the solemn descent. It happened that the hydraulic started early when the engine continued to rotate. I was saved by the fact that I never pulled the headphones at the shift - it is heard by the sound that the engine was working and had time to turn off the chain and roll the emergency brakes. But this is all the introduction that has been delayed.

Visitors to the park. It is obvious that people come different: all age groups, categories and status. And in out-of-course situations they behave differently. The rule of the crowd acts very brightly, it is worth a couple of people to create some wild (for example, urgently cling to their chairs and start tearing), as others massively break to do the same. The operator in such moments is required to quickly and clearly / loudly / seriously give instructions to the visitors. Very quickly to quench the panic, to prevent deplorable consequences. But sometimes the operator is powerless.

In the evening, on my "chain" comes a guy of thirty years, slightly overwhelmed, stretching a ticket. Drunk we do not serve, but here in general the rental plan was not fulfilled, so I risked missing it. He obediently occupies his seat, listens to my instructions, speaks properly... I start. In the first round, his phone goes off. This is the usual practice in the amusement park. Shoes, little stuff, phones, rubbers – what we just didn’t see flying out of our visitors. Even the golden rain was once...Khm, something I distracted. The phone went off and went away. Only this miracle began to disappear. And then - like in the fog... He pulls on the chains, breaks down, flies out precisely into a nearby pine - a disgusting bubble! It immediately collapses to the ground. I freeze the attraction with a frozen heart, call for help and run to it. I thought it was a corpse. Not a figured! Scratches, bruises, in the consciousness. Apologized, said, "Orbit is not mine," stood up and went out, refusing to help me, but I was given a weekend, sent home, told not to go out the next day. Everything was okay, there were no complaints or quarrels.

A month later, "Chain" ordered a long life - some reducer flew, a new spare part and Chinese engineers have already flown, wait. I started throwing into other attractions as a replacement. The specifics and spectacles deserve a separate post. And now on the subject - I had to work a long time on the wheel of observation. An old heroobor, rising to the height of a nine-story house and allowing you to capture a sad view of our scattered stinking city. There are three buttons on the controller: start, stop, back. So at the customer's wish to slow down or unfold as an infernal machine the view wheel the operator can not. In the rain, the attraction did not work, it happened that a few days were standing. It was raining that day and there were not many people there. When the rain stopped, he started the wheel to dry. The hour turned, dried up, lit up the illumination, and a crowd of people collapsed. Imagine that the viewing wheel is the clock plate. People sit in the cabin on the number “6” and move to “12”. The first cabin, the second, the third, the fourth, the fifth and suddenly it starts to rain! Rain, a wild splash of wind and water. The line quickly runs under the roof, I run into the booth. The five cabins that he has already had time to load have reached "12" and only as they reached "1" all this part begins to fly sharply back to "6". The people whisper, I press the red button "STOP" - damn two! A multi-ton shrinkage with a load on one side continues to rotate, the reels do not have adhesion to the wet frame. Wait until the inertia is done. And when these movements almost fade, the door of one of the cabins opens and a pregnant woman jumps out! The height was about three meters. Do you now understand what flashback I caught when I read the memo from the original post? I am alive, not damaged, everything is fine. She was terrified and decided to save herself. Her husband, by the way, then came out of the relaxed attraction, as nothing happened to embrace and the couple left. There have been many more cases with this damn wheel, but I have already stretched my story.

As a conclusion... Attractions are very dangerous mechanisms and getting into them, you risk your health and even your life. Safety measures, instructions from operators and various restrictions, including Mechanics are needed to make you have fun and leave intact. In the event of an emergency, listen to the operator or rescuers, do not aggravate the already dangerous situation. If you are still alive, everything is going well and you don’t have to strive to die faster by throwing out a number. Think with your head, take care of yourself.

The wonderful archer Tatiana Tower told me how one day, on a tour in Chita, the organizers wrote on the poster "Apherist" instead of "Archist".

Having a dog is a serious thing, not getting married. You won’t get divorced here, you’ll have to live until you die (your or her:)

“Be kind, please be kind!”

So the classic.
The man came home from work in the evening. At the factory, he smelled off the change, bought a bottle of beer and sat down quietly at the stop waiting for the bus to a distant microry.
In the evening, there is no people (unwise: the residential sector is far away), the bus is forever late...
There is a young woman sitting there, all in tears.
Word for word, it turned out that she was driven out of the apartment by relatives, without things and money, and she herself was not a local.
Naturally, the man offered him to stay overnight, and she agreed.
We arrived at his home, a small one-story private house.
No, it wasn’t until then, he was guided by gentlemen’s principles and slept in the kitchen. The first day before his arrival from work she prepared dinner (soup, second, cake). The second day I cleaned things. On the third day, she disappeared with a laptop and an electrical tool.
On the fourth day, the SMS comes in the form:
“Transfer 5000 to [the green bank], or we’ll give it to the lombard.”
At the scene of the incident, traces of hands were seized, which gave the result on the basis: the girl is convicted twice, resides in one of our permanent addresses.
At the address, she was found drunk in a company with persons of criminal appearance (one is her ex-husband).
The laptop has already been handed over, the electrical tool has been left for later.
“Well, at least it will work with what,” the victim said, having received his property back.

In order not to upset the population, now the rate of the dollar will be not for 1, but for 0.9

Rest at the Dacia. A 12-year-old boy found my children’s books. He lies in a hamac reading. I walk by and see what she reads. Oh, cabbage of a tail, a funny story. The daughter says – well, how funny, even terrible. I asked what was terrible. My daughter told me how she understood the story:

The military entered the house to the elderly, said that he was hungry, but the pensioners said that they had nothing, then the soldier took a tail from them and began to cook it. The old men were frightened, gave the soldier everything he asked of them, he cooked cabbage, ate and took their tail.

Why are the old men afraid? There about another kind, the soldier simply tricked asking the greedy old lady for everything needed for the meal. The daughter said that a stranger entered the house, while the military, saw that there are only one old man, took a tail and began to cook it. Imagine your dad, your mother, my grandmother will come some soldier, find her a tail and say that you want to eat very much and start to cook it.

I reduced everything to a joke, went and told my wife and mother, who were just on the table, and I thought that at the age of my daughter I hadn’t watched so many thrillers.

I have such a developed imagination that I get tired as soon as I introduce the upcoming work.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin said why Alan Shepard became the first American in space: "Overall, he said, they wanted to send a monkey, but NASA received a bunch of letters in defense of animal rights, and no letter in defense of Shepard. Here he flew.”

A 119-year-old pensioner was found in Moscow.
“Here is the fool!” Commented on the Pension Fund.

All kinds of electricians and sanitary engineers evolve the fastest. Everyone who comes to the order is smarter than the previous one and asks: What idiot did you do this? ! to

YYY: With all the x**ne, every time I go to the server room to upgrade something or stretch a new line, I ask the question, “What kind of fool is it? ! to "In spite of the fact that for 5 years I am the only admin on the whole office)))

In 1987, a struggle broke out around one school. No, not one on one and not even a dozen on a dozen, but on both sides more than a thousand young boys. Approximately six hundred from the technician and the same, and more, from the city where this technician was located. In general, the passions boiled, the stucco broke...

How can we stop such a fight when there was neither Omona nor Sobra yet? If only by army units or gathered from all over the city. Everything was done by one man. Fitzgerald Technical College. A former military who passed hot spots. He passed through the crowd with hysterical screams – “Atas! The Mint! Ride the nails! The soldiers!”

His panic was caught and everything resolved by itself. People fled everywhere, in communities and in houses. The man in the army understood that not only the courage of the city takes, but also panic.

They were fucking. It is a decent place, serviced by the waitresses.

All the blender shop. We sit and wait for orders. A man at the next table calls a waitress.

The further dialogue:

Could you warm up a little more?

How long do you want to warm up?

Well, at least so that the ice stops crushing on the teeth.

Winter and night. I ordered a taxi and sat down. A car, a driver with a partner. From the moment of landing and all along the way, they both looked at me. I look fine, and dark, I don’t know these people exactly. Finally, the driver asks, “Who are you going to?” I have a little stupor, I don't know what to answer such a question, then I answer "home". The driver and his wife looked around and said, “You ordered a taxi at our address.” I understood what it was and laughed. It was a new neighborhood with private houses, and our house on the map was not yet marked, so I ordered a taxi to the neighboring address. I lived there for a few months and didn’t know what my neighbors looked like.

Previously, a cat was first launched into the new apartment, and now an Internet provider is installed.

“Life is pain!” – philosophically said the doctor, thoughtfully considering an object very similar to a giant ripe straw. “Mirabel” or “Anna Spet”?

What do you think? Knowing the passion of the doctor for horticulture, I realized that it was most likely about the varieties of strawberries, but I could only answer him with an obscene silence. The violet object of attention was justified in a cute nickeled gauge. The size of the guest was unknown. The patient looked at us through the eyes of an adult kangaroo and chewed his lips.

Why did you turn this jewelry on a member, liar? Want to charm your wife? Did you get married by accident in a washing machine?

The patient was mysteriously silent.

And what? I pull the key and twist what you’ve twisted, you’re a robot! Member of the museum...Mudozvon, forgive the hospice!

When trying to touch the purple, the body turned over and issued a scream of such beauty and perfection that the famous tenor Pavorotti, hearing this, would instantly lose half his beard from jealousy. Get up early, young man. If the jewelry is not removed, the process of swelling, inflammation and necrosis can provide you with a career in the church choir. Here you will enjoy the hearing of the parishioners with an unseen falsehood. Come on, go on, carousel

I am totally for nature and its creation. I love everything and everything. Therefore, the desire to feed the white from the hand causes positive emotions and affection. But what kind of a white man is trying to chew on a puffy tail when he eats?!!! The Nuts!! On your own hand!! In fact, take a rodent for the most expensive! With a rough tail.

Not wise, he wrapped with a sterile bandage the first phalanx of the index finger dissolved on the ribbons. There was a cute bone from the farce. No one needed a manicure nail rolled under his feet. A young naturalist with a green face smelled a healthy cotton with nasatyre and remembered the maternal rhythms of the word "white".

I was treated for a cold for 5 years. I decided to make a soda inhalation. For the completion of the process, it was planted on a table before a pot with a boiling solution of soda. Covered, grind, blanket... and left unattended. How it happened there, I do not know. Only the pot the child turned on his feet. He lost consciousness instantly, without touching. And I lay in the boiling water for a while until one of the adults came in to ask about the process of therapy... I was at this address as one of the four “Surgeons”.

“Shocks” carried a child with third-degree burns of 40 percent of the body.

“Cardiologists” fought for a grandmother with cardiogenic shock.

The "psyches" reassured the father of the family, who, with a foam in his mouth, rushed to get his wife.

I drove my mom with gentle beating and suspicion of a severe shaking of the content of the skull.

Temperature... Temperature... High blood pressure... Radial bone fracture in a typical place... Temperature... Transportation... Food poisoning... Temperature...

At five in the morning.

Bad with the heart of an adult.

Sending according to the replacement algorithm. All the “specialists” were busy. 9th floor without elevator. Box with SMP laying, portable cardiograph, suitcase with "resuscitation". At the bell from the door of the old “... And who is Tam?

“I want to ask if this is Greenpeace and if my grandmother doesn’t have a handcut to save. But the sense of humor died somewhere between the fourth and fifth floors. And after entering, it is unclear whose, shit on the seventh - there was an attack of misanthropy.

The old grandmother. and clean. and modestly. Untouchable is.

What happened, grandmother?

So be comforted!!...

What, I’m sorry?

The comfort, I say.

What’s wrong with the oak?!...

"Dick, the daughter was in the afternoon, washed and cooled... and the puppy... the outbreak put on the servette... She is there! He may be burning down! And on the foot! Or in the cold!! Like chicken, with the heart you do bad things.

..................................................

I count to ten with my eyes closed. I realize that I am an Indian who sold Manhattan for a beard and a mirror. Must be silent. “No, silence is even worse – I can fall asleep.” I stand.

Okay grandmother. Let me clean the floor. It’s already cold, so it’s okay. Is there anything else bothering you? No is? I will go then...

A rare collection. meet at the entrance. The young man with maximum respect accompanies to the apartment and further. The sick lie across the bed in a decorative position and suffers. He answers questions with a painful delay due to the unbearable difficulty of being. “What a burning! The second day of the month. This is not your bride with Mac. And in general, all around males, goats and fools! “Life is calm, no exotic. The look is vulgar. There is no temperature. Pressure is normal. The shorts are appreciated. After the intramuscularly delivered Noshpa, Analgin and Dimedrol, miraculously healed and removed by the promising walk of the much-suffering body to the toilet. So I want to write the diagnosis of "menstrual dementia" on the map, until the teeth are reduced...

Reflectively and responsibly, the cat Bacilla spoke of the comments, watching the fight of two pretenders against her mind, honour and, a little, conscience. The applicants held a debut and duel in the garage of the station, so they provided themselves with spectators and fans. Bacilla was “local” and the brides were “travelled”. Every spring the battle was public and ended with a handful of kittens with funny medical names, which then traveled around the city.

Directly on the road came this composition - "Tango three". One could speak, the second successfully supplemented the speech with bright gestures and outcry, the third was a reliable support for the first two. They, without reducing speed, crossed the car-filled prospectus along the most difficult trajectory. To show this in the circus, the artists in the sweat of the face and... not the face... train for months. We sat in the RAFE with open eyes and waited for fresh customers. by Fig! Did not wait. We went further, to the hospital. In the salon was a sad patient, a doctor of science, a professor. A sober sheep. Complicated fracture of the ankle. He stumbled onto the door in two stairs.

They were taken from the clinic, who arrived there, almost on four, a poor man. There was something heavy in the garage. “He shot.” He was driving in the car on his knees, on a blanket, laying his head and relying on a chair. The driver entered and rode around all the cribs and cribs. He was taken out of the car at the reception room. The man was so exhausted that he cried out of pain when trying to move.

The end of the change is approaching. The end of this pornographic triathlon “You. to you. It’s you, life goes on. Life is beautiful, they say.

© Dmitry Fedorov, "Hello, the ambulance was called?"