This happened when I was young. It happened shortly. We walked once with a girl and had to go through a fairly large area of private construction. Let’s go and talk. The sun shines and the birds sing. The beauty! And here we have to cross a parallel street through a narrow street. I approach him, I hear some knocks and loud cries, but I can't understand the words. Well, little, private houses, someone is building or farming what does. We turn around and see the oil painting. At our back is a man with a healthy thigh in his hands. In the palm range and meter two length. And here he makes a battle cry and scatters this dough from all over the fence. The debris of the fence board flies out in all directions. There was something uncomfortable with me. Clear pen forward unnoticed not to go back, back back back reasonably, but in front of the girl is embarrassing (the fool is young). And she grabbed me and whispered something like running away from here. And then this man turned... a distorted wild, evil face and a huge bowl in his hands... I expected everything, but not what happened. His face clarified, broke out in a wide smile and he said:

Nothing, nothing please go through. Sorry for the concern, we have neighboring affairs.

My wife and I are a machine chorus (!) said thank you. I even shrugged my head a little, like a gift. They quickly passed by, curled behind the corner and again heard the battle cry and the whistle of oak strikes on the fence.

Nevertheless, how nice when you are surrounded by polite people who do not interfere with strangers in their discussions!

A woman decides to make a boost for her 50th anniversary. She spends 5000 bucks and as a result feels great.

On the way home, she stops at a stand with newspapers to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she asks the seller:

You don’t mind if I ask you, “How old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” was the answer.

No is! I am exactly 50! The woman answers happily.

A little later, she goes to McDonald’s and asks the young cashier the same question.

The girl answers:

I think about 29.

The woman replies: No! I am 50!

She feels absolutely happy. Walking through the street, she looks into the pharmacy. She goes to the bar and asks the same question.

The seller answers:

I think 30.

The woman says proudly that:

“I’m 50, but thank you!”

Waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an elderly man at the stop the same question. He answered:

“You know, dear, I am 78 years old and my vision is gone. But when I was young, there was a precise method to determine the age of a woman. It sounds uncomfortable, but it will require you to allow me to put my hands under your shovel... Only then can I tell you exactly how old you are.



She waited in silence for a moment on an empty street, until her curiosity surpassed her shame:

“Fuck him, go ahead!”

He slipped with both hands under her chest, slowly drove around, pressed and weighed each chest, gently touched the nipples, rubbed the chest against each other.

After a few minutes of feeling, she asks:

How old am I?

He finished his last compression, pulled out his hands and replied:

You are exactly 50 years old!



Stunned and upset, the woman asks:

It’s incredible, how did you know it so exactly? You must be an extraterrestrial?! to

What the man replied:

“No, I just stood behind you in a line at McDonald’s.

I studied at the 1st course of the Institute, and I had a computer and a printer at home. There was no money. I decided to do a set of text on order. Then the service was not to be directly popular, but in demand. I printed less quickly.

I gave an announcement to the newspaper - a set of text, 4 rubles per page, on the bottom line of the rest of the sentences. I didn’t have a cell phone at the time, I had a pager and a city phone.

The first client, we called, we met. Student from the Construction Institute. I need to print a course. About 50 to 60 pages. It has a source printed, but where the numbers are, everywhere is corrected with a pen or pencil, what it should be. Okay, agreed, I printed it all in 3 days (then the first time I encountered the concept of deadline - as usual most of the last evening left, which gradually flowed into the night and morning)

In general, he calculated, everything was okay, and a day later his friend called, with a similar request. The same exchange rate, only the figures on the others are corrected, and the correction handwriting is worse. But since the source is already in electronic form, the work is much less, and agreed for half the price. I start typing the text, and after a few pages I understand that the numbers do not beat. When I first printed, I got a little into the essence, I don't remember the essence of the work, but it makes sense that some calculation is made from the source data. I call this guy:



- Listen, such a problem, from about 6 pages, the numbers that are corrected with the pen are not beat, there are errors going on. I do, of course, I re-print, but if the teacher understands the essence, it will clearly be seen that the calculations are wrong. Who wrote those numbers?

Fucking shit, fucking shit. Everything will come to light, dumb. These numbers were calculated by Krendel, first by Vital (this is the first customer) and then by me. And you won’t ask him, he went to another city.

This is short, think what to do.

Well, once you realized that the numbers are wrong, do you understand the essence of the calculation?

- Well, not to understand directly, but I can figure out where it comes from, there are the main starting figures, and then the pure arithmetic is going. The graphics should be painted differently.

- And so, I will pay you the full price for the sheet, as for a new set, and you will do everything as you should.

Well, just need a few more days.

No question, I agreed.

I did this course for him, he calculated. And the next day again from him on the pager message. They called.

- Listen, this is the case, the course passed, do it all. Here we still have people suffering, they have purely preliminary data, and no calculations. You’ve gotten married, maybe you’ll get married? I gave them 10 rubles. for a list, if any.

Fuck, it is interesting. Well, let me try it.

In total, he did another 5 courses with the same machinery. It was true in a couple of places to figure out where the values went down, but it came out. The man then served this beer for mediation.

has long been



They washed clothes and hanged them on the balcony.



Tonight I come from work, wife.

The wind was strong. The neighbor came down and brought your cowards. He threw her onto the balcony.

Yes, it was uncomfortable.



And there is a check shot: "How does the neighbor know that these are your cowards? “!”

If it is not possible to raise the economy, they have decided to raise taxes.

Meeted now in Domodedovo his acquaintance, they and his wife from Ruasi arrived. She is somewhere there in the line to register home, and he sits mindful and fingers on his legs with some white insulating.
“Well, what about you,” I said, “Sanya, Paris, were you there for the first time?
- And in the last, - sneaky sneezed Sanya and literally in five minutes on a pure clown tells me all his difficult impressions, I broadcast:
- In short, we settled with my wife on the right bank, in a five-star house near the Opera, and as a five-star house, the house is old, the stairs are narrow, the elevators are tiny, intimate tight, the staff don't care about you, don't like - the air conditioner, normal pillows have never been asked, after the Thai-Turkish five, the contrast is extremely dramatic.
Portier in the first evening recommended the Michelin restaurant nearby, gave for dinner with wine more than two hundred euros, and what they ate by way and did not understand although the waiters behind the back in the wall built up and chorded something. As a result, they did not eat enough, bought some bread with grass at the corner, melted, went to sleep.
I woke up in the morning and went for a walk. On the sidewalks, rubbish, dogs everywhere, the Arabs in every cafe with clouds, the French butchers past them steal by the wall. And French women, honestly, were like that.
To Montmartre came - in general, Cherkizón, a thief around, a piece of ruin, kebabs, sex shops, and hairdressers these African shepherds!
The subway went down, everything was polluted, refugees with families of twenty rill and Mickey Mouse running outdoors. We got to Eiffelovka - metal, the line under the floor stood from a kilometer, got up, the elevator like a cattle car, and the city itself is somewhat gray, the houses are generally the same, and the rain in the board is small, disgusting as an aerosol.
In the Elysée generally do blackheads, prices are horse, Asians are altars, bombers with dogs, and some fools protesting at almost every lighthouse. Decorated, of course, everything for Christmas, but in Moscow and cooler will be.
Moulin Rouge did not come in any way, although the most expensive tickets were bought for the first tables. The girls are dancing, the rows of all are essengeshne, the shoes are stacked, the costumes are drawn, the threads are torched.
A couple of days in the shops were killed, some channels were recruited, the hell knows, in my opinion, and the houses of such already full, one that my drum about some new collections.
I took the excursions, too. I liked Peterhof more than Versailles in the summer. A bunch of these ancient castles have traveled around, they have gone around everything, their legs are sturdy, and in their heads only full of nonsense from their people!
He threw the remains of the isolant into the urn and breathed.
But, you know... a couple of times a old man came to us in the group. Like a newbie. He is the chairman of the Russian-French Friendship Society. Speaking such, sociable, and with the French la-la-la and told us everything about himself.
He arrived in Paris on a little bit of a course, the road was paid to him and a month of stay in a hostel on the outskirts. There in this hostel he is given a croissant with a briket of oil and a glass of juice in the morning. For lunch, he takes the wine from the baccalaea for 0.8 euros, which the meat when roasted is watered and this long baget. Half a bottle with half a baget he plants for lunch and the rest for dinner. Even on the subway never went, but the whole of Paris has already stumbled on foot, everything run around - squares, museums, monuments, churches, cemeteries...
And the most interesting thing - happy as an elephant on a water drink! It shines out of happiness, even if you write it out. Money is less than d’Artagnan’s, and he’s a puppy!
Sanya stretched out her socks and shrugged her head discouraged:
- And here for three hundred euros a day you roll and exhaust nothing good, with the wife in this Lafayette whispered a joke, not rest, but torture, in restaurants to eat essentially nothing, meat with blood tired of chewing, one shaurma and took at the end, I go, out, barely, I saw what these frogs instead of a patch in the pharmacy moved me?
He hardly put on his shoes and shrugged his head again:
- And this old whisper is still worn like a Doberman around the city! I am happy... It is unfortunate!
The wife called and Sanya, saying goodbye, stumbled to the stand. Then he turned and repeated:
It’s just offensive, you know?

by robertyumen

Mystery for lawyers: will they be seized for calls to preserve the constitutional order?

Usually, a colleague at work every day periodically stands up and walks around the table every 30-40 minutes. Sitting 5-10 times. At first he was stabbed. I wanted to do it openly, but I was ashamed. And the laughter of others did not inspire optimism. I think in the morning and in the evening. I sit there too, but not to see others. I also find it strange that I am not forced to openly do so, but it is easier.

But I was surprised by something else. My colleague did nothing today. I came to ask what happened. And he says - my bracelet discharged in the morning and left it at home on the charging. So, he says, I am free today.

I am an officer. Did you do it for yourself or for the bracelet? He slightly reddened and revealed himself: to me, he says, if I do not do the norm, the wife does not give, so I do it for the bracelet, and for myself too.

My husband rented his apartment. One evening he asked me confusedly:

Do we have a remedy for cockroaches?

Not at home. And what happened? Why Why? I begin inquiries.



My husband told me that in the afternoon he went to clean in the apartment after another apartment guests. And he said, "I was already leaving the apartment," he said, "as I see, in the hallway on the wall floats a huge cockroach. I have never seen such big ones. All beautiful, all brilliant. Horses are like that. I was confused at first. But what to do? The turtle in the apartment... I tapped it and threw it out. Where could he come from? »



A few days later, when the husband returned to his apartment, a neighbor's boy approached him and asked:

Have you seen Dimon?

to whom? He asked again.

The Demon of us, the cockroach.



After that, the situation became clearer.



Neighbors have a son. He is 9 years old. A boy locked in. So this boy has a very original hobby. He holds decorative cockroaches in the old aquarium. The boy gives them human names. His parents honestly admitted that some of his pets had escaped. Not all the fugitives were found. One of those who escaped is the same Dimon.



To the honest narrative of the neighbors, my husband also honestly confessed to them that he had killed him with a tapk. The boy's parents told him that, probably, "Dimon" had escaped to the street and would not return.



Sorry for “Dimon!” Nothing personal

I received an order for a translation from a private person. I analyze the document, I voiced the tariff - X rubles per page of translation, consisting of 1800 printed characters, including gaps (for those who are not in the topic - there are other ways to measure the volume of text, but traditionally - this is the way). The client agrees, the work begins.



The day before the deadline for delivery of the material the customer (suddenly!) “It sees” and ultimately demands a reduction in the cost of the order, because “What shit I have to pay for the gaps, you didn’t translate them?” All attempts to prove that an agreed unit of measurement of a page is a generally accepted standard, and gaps are the same part of the text as letters and intersection signs, have failed. The customer stood firmly on his own, the negotiations went to an impasse.



The first emotion was to send the customer through the forest, but it was a pity for the time and effort spent, and the professional pride was affected, so the upset brain immediately threw up a plan for revenge. I offered to reduce 10% of the price for the translation "without gaps", the satisfied customer favorably agreed.



The challenge accepted! The Internet helpfully suggested the decision, and after an hour on the email to the customer sent a consistent text without a single gap. In the accompanying letter, I advised him to sort them by taste.



The reaction to the desired result is truly unknown to me, but the next morning there was a phone call, and the customer's voice, slightly murmuring, said: "I agree... to pay for the gaps."

The middle class in Russia is people who do not have debts.

In the subway, a healthy gay beat two Dagestans who did not like his appearance.
The children of the mountains wrote a statement, and now the police are looking for him.

call by phone.
Hi to you! Is this “Pizza by Mario”?
No to sir. This is Google’s Pizza.
Did I get the wrong number?
No to sir. Google bought a pizza store from Mario.
Oh well well. I would like to order a pizza.
Okay sir. You as usual?
“As usual?” Do you know what is “normal”?
- According to our data, the last 15 times you have ordered 12 slices of pizza with double cheese, sausage and on a thick paste.
Am... Well yes. This is what I would like to order this time.
- Can I offer you this time to order 8 pieces of ricotta, rucola and tomatoes?
I hate vegetables.
You have high cholesterol.
How do you know?
We have your blood tests for the last 7 years.
“Maybe so, but I don’t want a pizza with vegetables. I am already taking medications for high cholesterol.
You are taking medication irregularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network a package containing only 30 tablets.
I bought more at another pharmacy.
This is not displayed on your credit card, sir.
I paid in cash.
But according to your bank statement, you did not withdraw that much money.
I have another source of money.
Your tax return does not contain any information about other sources of income.
Enough is enough!! Fuck your pizza!! I’m tired of Google, Facebook, Twitter and WhatsApp. I’m flying to an island with no internet, no cell phone, and no one is spying on me!! to
“I understand, sir, but you need to update your passport. Its deadline expired 5 weeks ago.

It is time to introduce the gradation of the spoilers.

Film for over 20 years. Spoilers do not exist.

The movie 15. There may be those in the deaf forest who have not watched.

The movie 10. A light spoiler. The film has long been rotated on TV and if you haven't watched it, but you still fear the spoilers, then it's better to watch.

5 years of film. A medium spoiler. It was time to finally see the movie that I wanted to go to the cinema but didn’t have enough money.

Film for 1 year. A thick spoiler. The movie has been available for a long time. Time to look

The film just came out on DVD. A fat spoiler. Don’t talk about what you saw in the cinema.

The film went to the cinema. The suckle spoiler. So wait until the weekend.

The movie comes out in a week. The Nastardamus spoiler. Everybody thinks you are a nonsense, and then they find out that you were right and get upset.

Reddit users share the most terrifying cases of "matrix failure" and unexplained events in their lives

*** by

One evening, I picked up garbage in a remote area. I was sure that no one else lived here besides us. But as I approached the road, I clearly heard “Help me.” The voice was female. And although I was clearly aware that nobody could be nearby, I decided to check for the case if I didn’t seem and someone really needed help. I took a few steps in the direction of where the voice came from and I heard that now this “someone” has clearly sneaked. I turned and went back because it was too much. I don’t think if someone needed help, he would laugh.



*** by



As usual, I went out at 6 a.m. from work and sat down on the electric drive home. The road took about an hour.



I sat down, fell asleep and woke up before my stop. I still had 10-15 minutes to get home by bus.



I didn’t use my phone and didn’t look at my clock.



I arrived at the house, where I was met by a surprise housekeeper: “You’re early today. Is it okay? » I looked at the clock and saw that it was only six. I was shocked and checked all the other watches, but they all showed the same time.



A few days later, the admin sent us a schedule for the past month (beginning and end of work). According to the schedule, I ended every day at 6. I did not leave earlier that day.



I can’t understand how I’ve been over an hour and a half.



*** by



I have told this story many times in detail. Now let me give you a short version.



I remember with 100% certainty a dog that apparently did not exist. When I was 16, we lived at the other end of the province and my uncle had a Jack Russell dog named Kru. One day Krue disappeared and we found him a month later in the shelter, which was about an hour away. We were all surprised that he ran so far.



And then, 20 years later, in a conversation with my parents, I mentioned this Jack Russell and what happened to him. The parents did not understand what it was about. They assured me that my uncle never had a dog, and I dreamed of it. I could not prove it, the dog has not been there for a long time, and I have no photos even of my uncle. I can’t prove that the dog existed, but I’m just sure.



*** by



and 1985. My ex-wife and I were sleeping. A silver beam of light from the street lamp illuminated the bed and the room. Our black spitz slept in our legs.



I dreamed that I woke up and pulled him, but he turned into a shining open oysters with a whole set of glass teeth. I woke up my husband by suddenly starting to retreat.



I asked, “What happened? » She replied, “What kind of shiny black oysters have we on our feet? Where is the dog? »



We had the same nightmare. I still have trouble with one thought about it.



*** by



I was driving at a speed of about 80 km/h, and some car ignored the STOP sign on the turn and went out right in front of me. I remember preparing for the strike, and then I open my eyes and see that I am about 270 meters down the highway and see that car in my rear-view mirror that is just about to turn.



*** by



I was walking with the dog and almost got home, but for some reason I turned around. It turned out that I was 6 blocks away from home, not where I should have been. I was shocked and overwhelmed, but the dog showed no signs of stress or anxiety.



Important note: I do not drink or use drugs, and I am still young.



Per memory failure is caused by a transient ischemic attack.



I’m 99% sure that this really happened to me. My friend and I worked at different points on Wednesday morning, I took her to work, and then I was already going to my own. One day I stood at her house and called her out. But for some reason she started telling me my name on the phone and asking why I was just sitting and doing nothing. I remember feeling wildly tired, it was hard for me to hold my phone near my ear (I’m left).



Apparently I called her and broke up. She saw everything through the window, answered my call and began to ask if everything was okay. I never understood what happened to me in those 5 minutes. It was not so with me anymore.



*** by



My wife died exactly a year ago. During that time, a few strange events happened. For example, there were our photos, which I definitely killed in the warehouse. The strangest thing was when I dusted the carpet and suddenly saw a diamond ring on the floor. As if the wife said, “It’s real, don’t lose it.”



Condolences for your loss. It happened to me too, but my story is rather funny. My father hated spiders. And, of course, I decided to keep a tarantula at home named Missy. I bought it when I was 3, and my father died when I was 17. A year after his death, Missy died. We joked that he came back to kill Miss. by LOL)))



*** by



Once I was driving around the city and constantly looking in the side mirrors checking the road situation from behind. In the corner of my eye I see a mother who says something from the series “From my side, everything is clean.”



I turn around and she is not there. She had not been there for a couple of years at that time. All this happened during the day. There was no more like that with me.



*** by



When I was 12, I watched another cartoon on TV. Suddenly I noticed that the sun was out. and fully. I opened the curtain and looked. It was dark on the street. The multicam was in the same place, but the clock was 5 hours longer.



The most likely version is that I fell apart. It is also the case at night – you blink – and it is already morning.



I probably fell asleep in front of the TV and so coincided that I got to repeat the cartoon.



But then there was a surge...



*** by



My friend Sarah got drunk in the club, and suddenly she wanted to tell a stranger that she had a pain in her leg. My leg did not hurt. She thought it was strange, but she approached and said, “I know it sounds strange, but I really need to tell you that my leg hurts. I know it is strange. I am sorry.”



He was angry. His father died recently. And they agreed in advance that if life after death really exists, the father will try to convey it to the son with the random phrase "I have a pain in the leg", which is not to be confused with anything.



*** by



I have one such story...



I was 12, I woke up at night to go to the toilet.



I walked through the hallway to a small bathroom, turned on the light and suddenly saw my face in the mirror.



Not all the face.



As if someone was standing on the other side, pressing his face to the mirror. It only lasted a second, but I remembered it.



I cried out, ran out of the toilet and ran to my father. My father tried to reassure me. Then we prayed together. After a while I went to sleep...



By the time I was 30, I forgot about it. One day my father came to me and reminded me of what had happened. “You remember seeing your face in the mirror.” From one of my memories I got a mess. “I remember”



“Well,” he continued, “I sometimes remember that night.” He looked down and then looked at me and with a serious expression of his face said, “I also saw it.”



He described what I saw, and we have no idea what it was. Apparently, when he went through checking, he also saw his face. I decided to pray for self-satisfaction.



I respect him for sharing this when I was 30. Better not to share at all.

Pensioners believe that the state allegedly thinks how to pay them old-age pension,
And the state actually thinks: how would they not pay what they earned.

Recently, in Russian society, it has become very fashionable to spread morality. And eating it happens very specifically. (Spsfisssky, would say a well-known previous character). An example of this spsfissnst was shown to us recently by Russian media, which covered the most outrageous story of a teacher who bought underwear in a store. And they described the reaction of an outraged parent, who learned from her grandchild about this truly hooliganistic fact, horrifying with her cynicism. The teacher is buying clothes. Where does the world go! And innocent angels see such horror! Personally, I immediately have a question - and what did the mentioned angel in the underwear shop? Was he alone in this awkward place? Did you buy clothes with your mom and so on? Or I bought it for who? Have you looked at the fashions? One question and no answer. Do not eat morality from that end, comrades!
And let’s say, a poor teacher, caught at the scene of the crime, escapes without clothes in confusion. What would prevent an innocent little angel walking through underwear shops from glimpsing and seeing a teacher without trousers that she cannot buy, so as not to insult the morality of the growing generation? And there will begin something that is hard to imagine. Especially in the absence of common sense, when the teacher, the sower of the "reasonable, good, eternal" any scapegoat can poison as he thinks under the pretext of protecting morality. The paradox of the situation is that “morality” is concerned with those who have no idea what it is. That is why they consider it unethical to buy clothes. I’ll tell you the secret – even the queens wear cowards. And the elevators. And it is not immoral. But to hurt the teacher – this is not really a comilf. And walking without adults in the laundry shops is also not a comic. Per a new Chikatilo is on the horizon? The boy should be checked by a psychiatrist, not the teacher to be outraged. However, judging by the articles in the media, the mother of the young talent examination by a psychiatrist would not hinder either.
And the bitter question arises after the above. What will society be in a few years if the concepts of morality begin to be dictated by people who are not quite adequate?
What will be a society of people raised by subjugated and humiliated teachers?

As soon as I hear that the salary should be consistent with the results of work, I first think of our government and the national football and biathlon teams.

I gathered one day to combine the pleasant with the useful - to clean the bowl and buy milk, bread and other everyday products. 300 rubles in coins of 2, 5 and 10. I went to the nearest network store, picked up the necessary details, threw the cost to fit in my modest budget and go ahead to the box office. It came out about 275 rubles, + - 15 rubles. In one hand provision, in the other fist of a coin, like in Buratino. It is my turn, I lay out the products, I count the coins. I regret, I decided to ease my brain activity and, knowing that I had 300 rubles, put 25 in my pocket, and the rest gave to the cashier to count. If so, I think I will add. As a result, it came out 285 rubles (calculated, but I can, I am a humanitarian : d) and I am already lying in my pocket for the supplement, but here the cashier says:

You have 32 rubles.

Here I am overwhelmed by panic, I think convulsively: I do not have so much, I do not know how to count, mathematics is the queen of the sciences, and I am superfluous in this kingdom, etc. Now something needs to be removed, the conditional "Galia, we have cancellation" - a tough woman, my turn will break me. I have a sacred question:

is exactly?

The treasurer, lowering his eyes, said:

Well, I said that approximately.

While I was collecting my jaw from the floor and trying to turn my eyes back, she recounted and took the same 10 rubles that were missing from me.

As I left, I thought that not everything was lost with me, and the cashier, probably, was also a humanitarian.

My grandmother is a very religious man and once she drew me 9 years old to confess. She said, "Don't be afraid to tell your father what you have sinned in, he will not give me, and you will be forgiven."

Father, I broke something unclear because I did not know what else was sinful.

The next day, my grandmother asked me why I didn’t tell my dad.

I didn’t go to that foul anymore.