I was once asked in comments how old I am. I replied, I was removed. Do I need to grow up quickly or take the time off, or how?:D

How old are you, if not a secret?

No, I won’t buy it for the second time.

While undergoing treatment in a hospital with a diagnosis of "gaymoritis", I met in the corridor with a girl who was also treated in the ENT department. We talked about everything and about swimming in the swimming pool as well. She so passionately advised at least once to dive into the icy water that she always did it and that before entering the hospital she had been morching with friends. Everything would be nothing, but the drainage tube from her forehead caused some doubts about the benefit for me of this procedure.

My uncle last saw his passport in the summer of 2017. The family's forces conducted two searches in 2017 and 2018. Five people twice turned the whole house up. The search was futile. The passport disappeared.

To understand my uncle and why he just didn’t go for a new passport, the man is extremely unpopular, when he thinks of walking around the offices, a cold steam comes out on his back.

Summer of 2018. My uncle gives me a flower store and asks me to give it to the lombard. I can’t, I don’t have a passport. Upon arriving at the Lombard, the devil rushed to ask me if they didn’t have any falling passport. And what happens? The girl asks the name in the passport, leaves for 5 minutes and takes out her uncle’s passport that he left here more than a year ago. I ask :

Why didn’t they just call? You have all the data.

Called several times.

I ask my uncle:

You were called. Which hero did you not take the phone?

Well, some left numbers are called.



Thanks to the girls from the three-digit golden net.

When I buy honey and listen to fairy tales that there is no gram of sugar added, I say, "Oh, okay, I buy a person with a deadly allergy to sugar, from sweet only honey can be."

And immediately the show begins, like, “No, well, maybe a drop, little.”

And only one said, “Let him come and eat my honey with me.” Now I only buy it from him.

It’s just your own dog, your friend as a human being. The other dogs did not take such obligations on themselves.

Sam was very much waiting.
and waited.
When they have lost hope. Nine years of waiting - and suddenly pregnancy!
Sam was fed by the love of his parents. Even slightly overfed. is blurred.
Mother of Samy - Lily - a childhood girl. I saw a lot of hardness and little love. Lily loved the Sevon for herself and for him.
Father Grish is a child from a large family.
Grisha was very loved, but he grew up as a caterpillar, because his parents desperately earned a living for a large family.
Grisha and her brothers grew almost in the yard. The court taught Grish a lot, showed his place in society. Not a leader, but not a servant. Strong, confident and self-aware.
Grishin’s parents waited for the Seven with no less passion. Even more though! The first grandson.
They cried under the windows of the nursery over the blue ball in the window that Lily showed from the second floor.
Seven are five now. Paul the sixth.
Sam turned out to be an intelligent but outspoken child. And what else with such a concentration of love for one baby?
This weekend I spent with my grandparents.
Lily and Grisha went to the country to wash the house for the summer season
Mr. Sevoko was brought home by his brother Grisha on Sunday. He handed off his nephew with jokes and additions.

Soma was cheerful, ordinary, his mouth sprinkled with chocolate.
In the evening, Lily divided her son for a swim and noticed... two red stripes on the pop. Traces of the belt.
Lily’s hands were cold.

Liam did not listen to his tongue.

Oh yes mom.

What happened to Grandpa and Grandpa?

And what happened? I did not understand Sam.

Are you beaten?

and yes. I jumped from the back of the couch. Grandpa said once. and two. Then the sofa broke. I barely gave Murphy. For the third time my grandfather beat me. In the Saturday.

Lily was crying. With all the despair he was capable of.
Sam too. I looked at my mother and cried. compassion for myself.

Why didn’t you tell me right away?

I have forgotten.

Lily realized that Sam, because of his age, did not give this event special importance. He was hurt more than hurt.
Lily was hurt. very painful. The heart hurt. The Circle.
Lily jumped out into the kitchen where Grisha ate dinner.

“Sema won’t go to your parents anymore,” she cut off.

This week?

In general. never ever.

Why is? Grisha has stumbled.

Your father beat my son.

Did he beat?

I gave a belt.

And for what?

In what sense “for what”? What’s the difference “for what”? Is it so important? For what? Grisha, he was beating him!! by REMEM! Lily shouted, almost hysterically.

“Lila, I was scolded all my childhood like a goat and nothing. not died. I’ll tell you more: I’m even happy about it. And thanking my father. We were all ripped. We are a generation of crooked asses, but that’s not deadly!

Are you for domestic violence? Do I understand correctly? She clarified with a steel voice.

I want you not to make this a tragedy. Less than a mouth. I’ll call my father, I’ll find out, I’ll tell him not to punish Sevk anymore. Let me tell you that we are against. and calm.

Are we against it or is it not deadly? Lily could not calm down.

The belt is the best way to communicate, Lily. The fastest and most effective. It was the belt that explained to me the danger to my health of smoking in garages, fighting at school, stealing apples from other people’s gardens. It was the belt that explained to me that it was not possible to burn fires on turf swamps.

What about the words??? Wouldn’t the words come to you??? Has no one tried?

Words explain everything else. For example, you can’t eat candy before soup. But if I eat, nobody will die. And if I burn turf, I will smoke and steal, it is a crime. Therefore, the belt is like a crying sign. Not just “can’t.” It can not!!! to

Fuck these signs!

“Lila, there was no juvenile justice in our time, and when I was raped, I didn’t think of revenge on my father. I thought I would no longer do what I was punished for. Father’s education is an hour before going to bed. He came from work, ate dinner, burst out for offenses, and immediately came to kiss before going to bed. I adored my father. God made it. I loved my mother more than her, who was kind and supporting.

Grisha, do you hear yourself? You say that beating children is the norm. You say it, just in other words.

Everyone is a psychologist for themselves. Psychologist and pedagogue. And everybody will tell you in the magazine "Split Raditors" about what kind of mental trauma a child is hit by the pope. And I, as the carrier of this poop, officially declare: no one. No one, Lily, was injured. Even the opposite. The longer the bruises hurt, the longer the lessons are remembered. So slow down the turn. Sam goes to her beloved grandpa and grandmother.

After I negotiate with them.

Lily sat down, looking at one point.

I understood. You are not against domestic violence.

I am against violence. But there are exceptions.

That is, if there are exceptions, you will hit Sam.

Exactly so. I will hit you too. If there are exceptions.

There was a heavy silence in the kitchen. It could be cut into portions, so tight and tangible it was.

What are exceptions? She quietly asked Lily.

of different. If I find you with a lover, for example. Or I come home and you, well I don’t know, you sleep drunk and the child is abandoned. A clear example? Sam is scratching. If, for example, he will go to the railway station alone and without demand, if one day he comes home with extended pupils, if... I don’t know... he will kill an animal...

What animal?

Any kind of animal, Lily. Remember when he walked on a sandal at two years old? and killed. He played it and then killed it. He was very small. I understood nothing. And if he does the same at eight years old, I will take him off with the belt.

Grisha, you can’t beat children. The women. Can’t you understand?

Who said this? Who is? What kind of expert? The belt is the shortest and most accessible way of communication. We are all fooled, you know? And no one died from it, but they grew up and became good people. It is an argument. And a society plunged into the dungeons of fictional grotesque rules, when a child can file a lawsuit against parents, is nonsense. Wake up, Lila, we are in Russia. Finland is far away.

Lily was silent. Grisha brought a plate with dinner.

I hope you understood me correctly.

and hope.

Lily quietly left the kitchen, went into the room to Sam.

He played as a constructor.

Sam had different toys, even dolls, and there were no soldiers. Lily hated violence, and did not want to see it even in toys.

A soldier is a warrior. A warrior is a fight. Fighting is pain and violence.

Grisha means that sometimes fighting is a defense. Lily wants to say that in a civilized society there are enough verbal battles. These are two polar points of view that are not compatible within the same family.

Will we go swimming? I asked Sam.

The water has already cooled, now I will heat it.

When is the first number?

The first number? Hm... Well, today is twenty-third... In a week the first. and what?

“My grandfather said that if I go to the balcony alone with the window open, he will send me the first number.

Lily breathed hard.

My grandfather will never sleep again. It will never hit. If that happens, promise it! You will tell me immediately. and immediately!

Lily approached her son, sat down, looked him strictly in the eyes:

Sam is never. Do you hear? Never go alone to a balcony with an open window. It is dangerous! You can fall down. and die forever. Do you understand?

I understood it, Mom.

What did you understand?

You cannot go to the balcony.

It is right! Lily smiled, pleased that she was able to teach her son an important lesson. And why not?

My grandfather wrapped my belt.

In addition, according to our company rules, you should not disclose the amount of your salary to anyone.
In fact, I wasn’t going to be ashamed.

We lived next to the forest. One beautiful and quite ordinary morning, our neighbor Galina, as usual, went to work. The unusual thing was that on the way she found a frozen protein on the ground (we then never found out for what purpose she picked it up. Maybe on a necklace, maybe on a collar, or on the principle of "everything will work out in the farm"). In general, she took the white home and went to work herself. The son was already in school at that time, and the husband was returning from a business trip that day.



After a couple of hours, the chief looks into the department and tells us that Galkin's husband is calling with some strange questions, saying whether everything is okay with his wife, whether we have not noticed something strange and asks to send her home urgently.



In general, the protein was not dead, but very even alive. She warm up in the apartment and decided that she was the hostess here. And our Galia, in trouble for herself, from the morning blinked and left a note to her husband. White those blades throughout the apartment on drying and hanging. Especially stunned in the corridor on the loose horns. When the door to the apartment opened, she hid.



Now imagine your husband’s condition: he wasn’t at home for a week, he’s coming in, and there... BLINKS EVERYWHERE and a note “Dear, it’s for you!”

If an actress does not shine with talent, she shines with her naked body.

Police and thieves. There are two sides of the barricade called the Law. The thief steals, the policeman catches. “The thief must sit in prison!” said the hero of the popular film. The police are obliged to protect law-abiding citizens from criminals. It is in theory. In practice, you are facing the opposite phenomenon. I didn’t believe that the police would protect a hot criminal caught from law-abiding citizens. It turns out that it is so. Moreover, the thief knows that the police are on his side. The thief entered the house, stole, was caught with a barrel, did not have time to escape, surrendered, did not resist. Called the police hand in hand. And where will he be taken? In a prison? In a few hours he is home. How is it? But so, in fact, nothing is missing, there is no public danger, for which he is in jail. And if they were caught and the thief began to bull, to suck with pins. The question is, can I put him in the mouth? Wouldn’t this be an excess of the necessary defense? Although it happens so.
Middle of the 90s. The employee bought an apartment. Repaired, furnished new furniture and moved. Invited to New York. We fell down with the entire brigade, bought gifts, gathered together with a warm company, drank, ate a snack, talked. They departed. According to the owner of the apartment.
I got the test great. I don’t remember being in bed. Woke up at night. The dryer presses, water needs to be drunk urgently. I go into the salon, I don’t turn on the lights, I see the shadow melting. Probably she also drank water.
Arkadij Semenovich, is it you?
Quietly, what you eat, you rebuild the whole house. The voice of the witch came from behind.
Ferguson, who is in the apartment. I turn on the light and see a young man in the corner.
Boy, what are you doing here?
Silence is disgusting.
Are you a deaf, a fool? How did you get here?
Volodya, maybe he doesn’t speak Russian.
Now he will catch up on the bread, he will immediately talk.
What are you doing, shit?! to
The boy becomes on four and with the size a couple of times applied a moustache on the floor. Smelling blood from a broken nose and a broken lip, he declares in pure Russian:
Now you give me a thousand shekels and I will leave. If you don’t, I’ll tell the police that you beat me.
To say that I’m squeezed is not to say anything. Here is the statement. Enter to bomb the apartment, hit and still demands. The shore was over. The test was not confused.
Let us let him go.
He shows me out the window. Here I also understood. In two jumps jumped to this hideous, I beat the penalties on his backs, and while he holds them - I add the roses. The test takes him by the hands – I by the legs and one or two in the window. The third floor, high, but under the windows of the bungalow is growing. The bushes are high, coarse, will not die, although the mouth will strike considerably. From the bottom there were cries, bushes, mat. After ten or fifteen minutes there was silence.
Testo went to the kitchen, I followed, drank minerals, smoked to calm the nerves and broke up to sleep.
In the morning, at nine o’clock, a call in the intercom. I see the police. I open, they go up to us on the floor and straight into our apartment. Two people come in, a boy and a girl.
You have a complaint. You are accused of attacking a young man, beating him, taking the money and throwing it out of the window.
The victim asks: where and when did the robbery happen?
About 10 p.m. in your apartment.
Idiot, I couldn’t think of anything more plausible.
“Mr. police officer, I’m not asking how your victim got into the apartment, I’m wondering how you can rob and beat a person in front of a dozen and a half guests? You see, we celebrated the new home yesterday and the guests were about twelve. How can you imagine the robbery in the eyes of so many people, including women and children? Your victim lies as he breathes. If you want the names, phone numbers and addresses of all guests, talk to them. I will make a list for you now.
The policeman walked around the room, looked at the window, looked out the window.
How do you explain the traces on the window and broken bushes under your windows?
I also looked out the window, pretended to be studying the traces on the window, examined the floor under the window.
So I knew. Tell me, is the victim accidentally not numbered in your file? Why do I think so? I have a higher education and I read books. And a good idea. He went to the window to clean the apartment, broke up, scratched his mouth in the bushes, and in the morning: “I was beaten, robbed...”, he didn’t write there that he was also raped?
The police officer asked a few more questions: where I work, who else lives in the apartment. The woman wrote a protocol.
With your words, we have drawn up a protocol. Please read and sign.
Yes of course. All the good.
I heard them calling their neighbors on the staircase, then walking around other apartments, but all the neighbors were also in our new home. You see, it’s been almost two weeks, until it’s been quiet, it’s not called, it’s not called.
This is such a story. I can add that I was also called and asked for the party for a long time. What could I say? Only those who were and who drank. I was struck by the question itself. Police are on the guard of the thief. I don’t think this is his first theft – according to Volodya, he was too aggressive. No wonder he has a lawyer. He is also a frequent visitor to the police. As the saying goes, “Whoever, except a thief, should sit in jail.” Fantasy in Reality.

When the missionaries arrived, we had the land and they had the Bible, and they taught us to pray with their eyes closed. When we opened our eyes, the earth was with them and the Bible was with us.

and today. The store. On the box in front of me – a girl of school age and rather poor look. Buying a postcard. The cashier says to her, “57 rubles.”



The girl breathes, turns and begins to slide past me to bring the postcard back to place.

I say :

Stand up, what are you?

The girl:

– Well, I have 7 rubles missing... – and shows a half-piece compressed in the fist.

Go to the box, I said. I will pay you seven rubles. – In response to the girl’s questioning look, I add: – Well, let’s like, a little New Year you have today...

The cashier pierces the card, I count the money, the girl takes the card and says, “Thank you very much!”

But it’s nonsense... The most important thing is her eyes at this moment. The child was really happy. He happily escaped the store.

P.S. The postcard read, “Happy Birthday, Mom!”

and Taxi.

The most popular question I am asked today is: Did I swim in the baptism?

I go to the residential house on order. Near the entrance there are three men slightly standing - two with suitcases to me, one accompanying me. Sit down and go.

The first man:

Did you swim last night?

I am :

and no.

And that so.

It did not work somehow.

The real Siberian had to swim.

Did you swim?

Of course the baptism.

Where did you swim?

So far from here.

The second man:

“Hey, you listen to it, we just came from Thailand.

The first man:

So we bathed.

I had one employee, although in the sense it was, it is now, only in the next decree. And she has a son, well, for example, let Jura be. The boy was not very intelligent by age - he read, counted years from four, played chess, all kinds of chess. Well, as it goes, smart in one, but with some weirdness in the other.



I will not list all the strange things, but with one strange thing was a funny case. The strange thing is this - the child from the moment of obtaining the speech persistently does not want to call his mother mom, dad dad dad, grandmother grandmother. He calls all his nearest mother-in-law by name - Yulia, Sasha, etc. At two it was funny, and then, at five, when he was tried to gently explain that with the older mother-in-law it would be more respectable, the baby refused to call them differently. Well, if mom and dad people are still young - for Yulia and Sasha will come together, then eighty-year-old grandmother Natashka (just Natashka) somehow sounded not "Komilfo".



His mother, my employee, told her colleagues in my department about this, and when she brought her son to work with her, everyone wanted to teach him the mind. As usual, most wanted to raise the boy to the old girls, who have no children, but they are the best at raising the latter. And then one such “mamma” decided to raise a boy. The baby, appearing in our department, immediately sat behind a free computer and began to master the "chicken" without noticing anyone around. "Mamma" with the maximum of complacency on the face sat down to Yuri and began a conversation.

M is a mummy, Yu is a jury.



Hello to you, Yuri!

and UGU.

M: What are you doing?

Y: They are busy.

Listen, what a fashion shirt you have!

and UGU.

M: Who bought it for you?

Yulia (with my mother in mind)

Why do you call your mother Yulia? (“Mamma” prepared to read notes)

J: Not my question! My mother called it so when I was a child.

He said he cut. Mommy’s all the questions disappeared too.

I went to the store to shop for the company. The operation was commanded by the head of the department. It looks like a Jew. By nature they are.

I picked 3 trucks. Go to the box. In front of it, the grandmother, taking a baton of bread and a bag of milk, lacks 4 rubles. The check is not closed until there is no money. The chief in such a clever voice says to the cashier, "Let me pay."

Add to the purchase of all 3 trucks, pay. Added a chocolate to Grandma.

Here we all fooled. It is clear that 4 rubles could be spent to save time in line. But generosity is not inherent in him. It turns out. This clever snake did all the purchases at a retirement discount. More than 500 rubles.

I have a small coffee. The director himself, the subordinate. The client comes, the girl. I said good morning, asked what coffee she would like to drink, and so on. Standard, in general, phrases, but I say immediately I am really pleased with each customer and politeness is not limited. I fulfilled her order, she calculated, I said goodbye to her, wishing her a good day. The girl turned around and looked badly at me and asked, "What are you so polite?"I honestly even cried out. She, all with the same look, shrugged, repeating after me "parents raised" and went out knocking the door.

It was in cleaning. I put on trousers with a big fat spot. I came to pick up - the spot on the spot.

I am - what is this?(referring to the spot)

Employee, and so was it.

I thought a lot...

Money is lacking for everyone. One for a new boat and the other for new shoes.

As an artist, do you know how to paint?

Twenty years of life were devoted to construction. Something they have learned, something they have learned, something they have seen. But, having built a house and decided that there should be a fireplace in it, it became clear: this is not something we can do ourselves. I need a master.
I don’t remember where we took it from, who suggested or led to it, I remember when we met a little man with a small bag at the station coming from somewhere in the area. Nothing is! The main thing is that he has gold hands.

We came to our house, showed the foundation for the future structure, explained that we want a corner fireplace. In winter, sit next to it, so that the shells in it burn. The man wiped his hands, ran, said that inspiration came to him during work, so he did not draw the project in advance, and the material was calculated with the stock.

Ok to Ok. They went and bought with him what he pointed with his finger. After leaving the Master in the house and giving him the rest of the necessary tools (I will remind him, he had only a small bag, and in it - a kind of child hammer and the same size of a hammer) - we left. The soul warmed several things at once: first, finally, the matter moved from a dead point. There will be a second surprise! We never knew what the fireplace would look like. The master admitted that he could not paint, but added from himself:
Look at you.

Two days later, a call from the Master asked to buy a brick. Just as much as they took. You said you took the stock. We decided not to buy, to come to see the contours.

We enter the veranda. The man begins to roast the horse. I really stumbled. And I regret, I cried. I will try to describe what I saw.
The building was really cornery. In the real sense of the word. A straight line from the wall to the wall, this is a huge triangle. Or a tetrahedron. I don’t know how to call it. The front line, the rear ends in the corner.But just the adjacent to the walls were with a surprise.They usually say: like a bull squeezed - but I think the bull would have been smoother. The horizontals were delighted. They resembled a sea wave.The doors of the fireplace, inserted curved, seemed to mock. The seams between the bricks, then with the thickness of the finger, then with the hair, distracted attention, but did not add beauty.

The husband, rushing away, asked the Master, who seemed to have decreased in size:
Have you seen The Wolf in the Thirty Kingdoms as a child? Do you put a stove here from there? Understand it until I find you.
I watched here too. The similarity was undoubtedly, only in the multiplex the stove was good. And it crushed when the wool was drowned in it by a wolf, and our wool was like that.
Do you think it’s all over? You are wrong.

In order not to repeat the mistakes anymore, I found on the Internet the project of my future fireplace. Again the master. Here the aviator comes to help. And we, taught by bitter experience, arrange casting.

The first answered and the Master arrived at Pradyka. Suddenly, but the plus added to him. But we could start missing ourselves right away. Because the Master got an album with photographs of marble fireplaces and began to fill the names of famous people to whom he built these fireplaces. Our brick he removed, my internet project rejected, and said that since we do not pull on the marble, he will roll out a concrete fireplace for us. I did not turn away from the first surprise, to imagine a concrete structure on the veranda my head refused, so leaving my head like a bulldozer, promised to think about it.

The next Master came to us on foot, in broken shoes, with an umbrella over his head – it was raining. He did not have his ideas, because he, as it turned out in the process of conversation, is a stone craftsman, and once my project is scheduled and orderly, and he will do everything in less than a week. At the end of his speech he added that you can remove ten percent of the amount you expect – and he agrees. His eyes were on his forehead, because he hadn’t asked for the amount. In his view, it was an offer that could not be rejected. But we refused.

And finally he appeared. In an ordinary car. Looking at a bunch of brick, he thoughtfully counted it, and even told us the mark of brick. As I found out later, I was not mistaken. Check if the foundation for the fireplace is properly made, if there is a section from the walls. I did not neglect my internet project, but said that it will work out.The price called not big, but also not small. The clay on which he laid the bricks, carried every day from his station (lived somewhere under the Hot Key).
And yes, the promise was kept, the fireplace finished. I made another small cottage in it. in a gift. Small but pleasant. He only asked us to open the door.
All I wrote. I will go to the fireplace and remember Victor again with a good word. The master who put together the fireplace that I like, and it works( does not smoke, burns in any weather, and pleasantly shakes corners). One thing, I never knew if Victor could paint.

The cocktail of Mary.
Drink vodka with tomatoes.