I was a witness to such a scene.

In the church after the service, the parishwoman approaches the father, and then about such a dialogue.

- Father, my husband... (hereinafter a list of various outrageous and socially denounced acts, including handicapping)

Did you talk to him about it yourself?

He said, and he continued.

And repeatedly?

and yes.

So get divorced from him.

The face of the woman expressed confusion, because she clearly expected to hear the standard set of reasoning about humility, punishment for sins, beats - that is, loves and generally all live that way.

Will God not be angry?

Do you think that if your husband is going to slander you and your children, God will like it more?

Prior to this, the same father asked which saint should put a candle for healing, he replied that first let them go to the doctor, and then put candles to the one of the saints who likes it more. Sometimes common sense wins.

It swims slightly, but it swims under itself.

My mother married an Italian, so I was named Bella. Then, due to circumstances, we were forced to move to Russia. Here I went to school and thought everyone would be jealous of my beautiful Italian name. Do you know what happened on the first day? I was given a whiteboat!

Lying to the authorities is a crime. If the government lies to us, it is politics.

When I was a child, I had a fellow Armenian. It was called Oval.

I went with a friend to a classmate. His grandmother lived there. And so she liked the hairy Armenian boy, she didn’t go away from him, she said, “Go through, Oval, don’t be ashamed! Eat the cake, Oval, very delicious. Drink another compot, Oval.” And he was so embarrassed all the time, red.

And then, at one point, Oval came out of the table and went somewhere. A friend says, “Listen, grandmother, don’t call him Oval, please, he’s embarrassed. He’s called Arthur, and we call him Oval because he’s fat.”

We will all die. The goal is not to live forever, but to create what will live forever.

This is a story about athletes, well or about the sport as such and a little about the army. 
When the rotty built the recruits and gave the team - athletes, one step forward! A man walked five. The audience was quite hairy, a boxer, a free wrestler, a skier, a little-known karatist and some shibzdik. 
Who are you? A rotting turned to him. 
The first adult chess player. Until the candidate a little not reached, the army was taken, - he waited. 
Rothny thought a little, to defend the honor of the company, and maybe the battalion in chess tournaments somehow did not have to, "but the hell knows him," he thought, maybe it will be useful. 
Chess is not a sport. When the rotting went away, the boxer spoke. What shit is this, can you even turn a sunnycover on the tournament? 
I don’t know about the tournament, I haven’t tried it, we’ve been training our brains. Think about two or three ahead of the opponent. And in the tournament... No, I probably won’t. 
Here is it! No, you will wash our shape! - kicked him on the shoulder boxer, - well and so for the little things to bring and take. I understood?! to 
Can I ask? - scratching the forehead, a chess player turned to him, - who do you think is stronger, a boxer or a fighter? 
No, you have asked it! And as long as he'll do his captures, I'll let him knock-out several times. Do you know what a blow I got? Do you think I was the first boy to have beautiful eyes? A boxer is stronger. 
Let’s check it out afternoon? I will talk to the fighter. 
- Yes, no problem and this karatist also hint, I and him in the baron's horn... 
In the evening, there were the first Soviet battles without rules. In order to do this, even the castle at the gym was quietly opened, where several chosen grandfathers and sergeants broke down after the defeat, in the form of a judge's college. The chess player was quite shrewd and organized everything according to the first number. Clashes between the representatives of the uniforms were launched by them clearly on schedule, almost every day. To find out what kind of sport has the maximum advantage over others, even the officers who were waiting at night became quiet. The movement took turns. Deciding who was stronger was quite difficult, everyone demanded revenge and everything started again. Karatists with boxers, fighters with athletes, all mixed up in these fierce battles. 
“Yes, a chess player, and you’re not so simple...” said the rotting man, when he built a company somewhere in a month, “it’s not so simple! No, I don’t mind, you can beat each other bakers until they are completely blue. But the combat your blues are already embarrassed, because at first he thought it was partly a grandfather. And that means that this is the job, a chess player two steps forward! Explain, how did you even put our grandmother’s neck on your stakes? 
My sport involves winning over an opponent if the combination is calculated for several moves forward! The chess player. If you want, I can do this sport as well. 
Everything was gathering and gaining turns. What kind of fighting won everyone in fact, it may not be difficult to guess.

During a walk in the forest, Putin jokingly asked the cocoon how much he had left. Cucumber has lived for 250 years. Then the sand was finite.

Russia is a unique country: in order for 3% of the population to have everything, the remaining 97% must have only naked patriotism.

February A call from Mr. Utah. Permanent customer calls Sergey Anatolyevich.

Halo to Tim! Are there electrical tool brushes for Bosch-600par?
She is sergeant! No to!
Can you bring it on order? The article “No; %:?* “?
I will look!

The next day I call in Utah.

There is no Bosch anywhere. This product is removed from production! Can I bring Nana?
It is Tim-Nada! Machines are in themselves. The customer is asking for Bosch! Until the order is placed.

Furthermore, Sergey of Uchty just fell out of my life for half a year.

and September. A call from the ear.

Hello to Tim! Serena is worried. Order is there.
Are you anatomical? Where did he disappear?
Bishops, let’s go and look!
have found?
Produced at the factory on order. The box! A thousand things!
Do you hear that Sereg-a-naffix them so many brushes of Bosch?

Sergey’s voice trembled, the non-normative vocabulary jumped (to the topic) and a very evil voice said: “I also asked them about this! They said that a little of these BOSS brushes on the swaddle will be tossed, and in Makita will be put in!!“!”

"They say that Korolev had a tradition: he always urinated on a rocket before launching.
Can we go back to that tradition and then everything will be fine again?
- To urinate is not a problem, but where to get the King?

National idea – to live and not to wash

Oligarch Viktor Vekselberg complained that because of the sanctions can not come to his family in New York.

Now told a colleague. He goes to work in a full route, a man stands up to give up his place. At this moment, a girl enters the stop and hopes to this place without a back-thinking. A confused colleague says to the man:

Better you sit down.

The man thought and said:

You know, I’m not interested in your words now, I’m going to court!

XXX: My name is Sasha. As it turned out in Spanish there is no sound of Sh. In Cuba, the owner of the apartment in which we lived called me Sacha.

And I immediately said that I could be called Alejandro)) But she liked speaking Sacha more.

Yyy: Alejandro should be deserved, Sacha))

I was called from the town hall.

The plaintiff painted. I have to meet him. You are in the woods, right? There and then. He will be the first deputy mayor.

I come - the complainant looks like an adequate person. He says I need to plant a tree here. To get to the stop, remove the drill to get home.

I say – no question – what the owner of the city forests will order – I will do. At least tomorrow. The owner of the forest is the city. I work on contract.

Deputy Mayor to the complainant:

What are you looking at me? We do not have a forest roller or loader in the municipality. We do not decide anything.

The applicant (grandfather of the 90s), thinking:

Why are you then at all? Why did they come here.

To consider your complaint.

I was not concerned about the complaint, but the decision.

Sam did not find anything to answer.

I was driving in a placard. At one of the stations, a woman in the years in the upper regiment opposite. A bit of the weather, she includes music on the phone. Some sectarian songs. Dreams under them and occasionally adds noise. Listen to this or. When I get it. I got tired I got up and saw: Aunt in the headphones, and the switch from the phone fell out. She doesn’t hear them, but we’re okay 😉

Even going to take out a can of garbage, a woman should always be prepared that on the way she will be invited to a ship or ball.

Dog of Torpedo

The adulterous bet was made in the 40s of the 19th century between the Governor-General of the Novorossian Territory Vorontsov and his friend, the local landlord Toropov. These honorable gentlemen were invited to observe the indicative detention of smugglers at the customs. Upon completion of the procedure, Toropov skeptically stated that the smuggling at the Novorossian Customs was put out of hand badly, he would have done much better. Of course, I’t be caught. “Look, you are in vain,” the chief of customs murmured, “no scammer will pass by us.” “Do you want to bet? Suddenly the warriors resurrected. – I’ll bet a hundred thousand on the fact that it won’t be possible to smuggle the smuggling!” – Accepted – agreed Toropov. They conspired that tomorrow the landlord would appear at the customs with diamonds, ringlets and various jewelry for ten thousand rubles. If all this is not discovered during the inspection, he wins the dispute.

At noon the next day, the crew of Toropov arrived at the customs station. The landlord obediently went into the room for inspection, where he was separated and carefully touched his clothes and underwear. Nothing anywhere. Similarly, the cushion was inspected, the crew's cushion was ripped off - no results. Here the chief of the customs asked for permission to destroy the wheelchair, paying the owner its cost in case of failure. “Ruby!” smiled the Torop. Customs officers scattered the crew, but found nothing. Eventually, the dark chief of the customs raised his hands before the Governor General: “The inspection is over.”

“Where is your smuggling?” asked Vorontsov a smiling landlord. He whispered, and a white pudel ran to him. The dog came with the landlord and sat quietly at the wing all this time. Toropov carefully cut off the skin on her back, and it turned out that it was an ordinary brittany courtyard, on which the skillful “contrabandist” wrapped a ring, intersecting them with jewelry, and on top carefully covered it all with a piece of hairy fur. There was nothing left but to admit that Toropov won the bet.

In the evening comes the message, “Where are you, I have been waiting for you for 40 minutes, I am tired, you always say that you will come, I dress up and wait for you, and you have business and you do not come and cancel everything, why you are so with me.” I had to answer “you’ve got the wrong number, and by the way, send it to the damn mother” :) replied “thank you, I’ll do so :)”