This story happened fifteen years ago. My future wife (at the time) once before the New Year spoke that she wanted to put a tree at home. But in Penza they are almost not sold, so, I said, I had to buy a pineapple, as usual. In general, on the thirty-first of December, while I was passing through the city, I saw a man selling trees, and immediately called his wife, saying "there are selling." Next, from her words:



“Father, after your call, immediately gathered and bought a tree. Coming home, we removed the jewelry from the pine tree, we hung it onto the tree, and the pine tree was dragged to the garbage container. He came back and told him that a drunk man was in front of him. Who, having seen how the pine with the remains of the New Year's pine tree is thrown into the garbage container, sat down in the squabble and with pain in his voice pronounced "blue".

Life fills me with wonderful friends.

A friend (P) went on a business trip, where the time zone is 4 hours different from our local. The day passes, the bell cries, the husband has changed and in general he is ugly. During the conversation we find out:

Q: - I call him at 9 o'clock in the evening (it's on a business trip, respectively, we have an hour of the night), and my husband doesn't take the phone. Then he calls back in a couple of minutes, saying he was asleep. We talked with him. I put the phone. And here it came to me! It’s 9 o’clock in the evening, and he’s now at 1 o’clock in the night, that means he didn’t call me for a minute, but for 4 hours! What can you do at night so that you don’t call back for 4 hours!!!! to

I didn’t know what to say about that logic.

The president, who considers his ally the party of bureaucracy, has never taught the history of betrayal.

Very briefly. When a state refuses to treat and teach children, it seems that it does not hope to survive until that generation grows up and begins to feed the state.

News on Yandex on December 9:
Chubais accused the Russians of ungratefulness, and said that "the whole society should say a great thank you to the oligarchs, over the past 25 years, who rebuilt the country and returned to the people salaries."
News on Yandex on December 10:
Chubais became the holder of the world's highest achievement for the Guinness Book of Records, as an individual, sent on *** 146 million times in just a day by absolutely different people.

After serving in the army, I recovered at the institute for the fourth course. Over the past two years there have been changes in the technology of learning. Previously, in the institute IVC stood computer "Nairi" and "Mir". We gave it a paper with data for calculation, and the next day we received back the results. And it was believed that the course project was calculated using the computer. Now everything has changed. There was an audience in which eight personal computers of the DEK system called DVC were installed. They were nicknamed “Derm Computing Complex” because they were overloaded every time a woman in socks approached them. Therefore, all users have learned to often save their files.

Initially I tried to do without attending this audience, but in the first laboratory work I learned that the calculations in the report should be done on the DVC. Moreover, the program for computing had to be compiled in the same language as "Basic". I decided to challenge this imperative and addressed the teacher:

Dmitry Viktorovich, why do I need to program? I am an engineer, not a programmer.

A new era has arrived. And now an engineer who does not own a personal computer at all, and programming in particular, bamboo!

Why do I need this programming? I can do without a computer.

will not succeed. The era of industrial controllers has come. Very soon, all of the automation will be on microprocessors. A computer will help you independently print letters, form form forms. And the program prepared by you will allow you to automate standard calculations. For example, calculate the voltage drop in the cable line.

It is not difficult to calculate on the calculator.

I agree. What if there are dozens of lines?

There are programmable calculators.

- Yes, but the data obtained on them you will rewrite on a slate, and then you will manually make a table. The program will form a report and print it.

You need to know English for programming.

not necessarily. Remove the operators and all. There are programming languages in Russian. Or similar to Norton Commander.



There was nothing to object and I had to master DOS and Basic. Soon I realized that the teacher was right. Having mastered the standard calculations, I thought about drawing drawings and schemes. But IBM compatible computers then were few, and domestic "APM designers" did not work.



When I was sent to an AutoCAD course at work, I was thrilled! But it never appeared in our factory. It turned out that in addition to a powerful computer, you need to buy a graph-builder and the program itself for very decent money. But the technological calculations were fully computerized. “Lexicon” has eliminated the need to run to the машburo and forget what “first copy” means.



And then it went further – programming of accounting programs: Warehouse, Funding and even an attempt to write a Salary. It was surprising: once I wrote the program, sold it to several organizations, and then with each - a monthly amount for accompaniment. Here is it, happiness! That is capitalism!



But one day I met a professional programmer. He recently graduated from the Institute in Chelyabinsk. It turned out that he mastered four dozen programming languages. After looking at the listing of my program on Paradox, he said, “It’s a good SUBD, but...” I didn’t believe him. Then he rewrote my program. She worked faster than mine. And I realized that the time of self-examination was over...



Recently I heard on the radio: "And the self-taught programmers of the nineties are now working as guards on parking lots." Is it so? I am not working...

In 6th grade I bought a sports suit for growth, I grew up, finished school, universe, married, gave birth, and now it is just for me.

Oh, at least one airport named Saltykov-Shchedrina!

Believe it or not, but it was so.
In 1998, I worked as a sysadmin in a medical center. At that time in other decent places used windows 95, and in very decent windows 98. In the office where I worked, the highest achievement of computer technology was considered windows 3.12, and that, only with the big bosses, and with secretaries and others only DOS and editor Einstein (there was such an editor, printed in Hebrew and worked under the board). But there were some office workers who printed on ordinary printing machines, thank you, though electric.
One day, the great chiefs demanded that the printing machines be removed, that all computers be put in place, and that they be taught how to work in that editor.
Computers installed, staff went to courses, everything went as planned, but some unconscious, but very "blatant" workers continued to persistently print on machines. One such unconscious lady was either a aunt or a cousin. the department. According to rumors, Madame had a very heavy character and all her dissatisfaction, using her connections, was placed on everyone who fell under her hand. It was told that while you change the tape on her printing machine, you will learn a lot about yourself, your relatives and friends. I did not believe those rumors. As it turned out, in vain.
Madam categorically refused to go to courses and I was asked to teach her how to turn on a computer, create folders, print and edit texts, as well as print to a printer. To teach, to teach, not the first time. My teaching experience was good, and most importantly, the boss promised a monthly salary. That is what I looked at. Money is always needed. I’ll be able to do it in a month, not for the first time. How naive I was.
I had to go to work at eight in the morning. I used to arrive at 9:30-10:00, but I almost always stayed late. Backup was on cassettes at the time, and they had to be changed every two hours.
Daily classes have begun. He taught to create folders, files, print, edit, in short, the most ordinary course. Aunt turned out to be not just a very heavy character and very low learning abilities, but an absolutely stupid creature. The classes were approximately as follows:
To save the file, press CTRL+S. See, the file is saved. Please repeat.
You didn’t tell me that yesterday.
I even made a label for you so that it would be convenient to remember.
This is another label. I saw you change her. You do everything to confuse me. It is time to be fired. Who took you to work?
I had to hear similar claims every day. If it were not the promise of the prize long ago would have sent "to the mother, with whom they did not do very well", but I took up, promised, we need to endure and continue to study.
The most difficult thing was to learn to edit the finished text and make changes. The aunt insisted on tapping the text again, pre-wrapping the excess in the printed. I mastered respiratory gymnastics, learned to listen absolutely calmly to all the claims to the boss, to the computer, to the program and to me. He became very philosophical to look at life, to repeat, as for the debilitated, the same thing. When she was leaving home, I smoked and drank coffee for almost an hour to get myself in order and make direct commitments.
Only in the sixth week of study the case moved from a dead spot. Something began to work out. And finally, by the end of the third month of stubborn brain harvesting, Madame stated that she knows everything and knows everything and even better than me. Okay, just very good. I was so happy to finish her course that I didn’t even have to do my job, leaving her for the next day.
There was nothing bad in the morning. He got up late, did not hurry for breakfast, drank a couple of cups of coffee, smoked a tub of good tobacco. In the most beautiful mood of the freed prisoner came to his office and...
The phone on the table sounded sober, with short breaks, as if I had urgently needed the whole world and the world without me was about to collapse. I pick up the phone:
Hi, how can I help?
Out of the tube was a roar of a raped rhino.
He is printing!! I print and he print!! Where are you going! Why are you nowhere!
Who is printing?
He is printing. I scratched and scratched, and he printed. I cannot work that way. I have not worked for two hours!! I will write a report for you! You will be fired today.
Excuse me, madam, what did you hide there?
Short tubes in the tubes.
With the speed of a horse, bitten in the back by a scorpion, I carry to the scene of the accident. I open the door of the cabinet, look at the computer screen and here I needed all the breathing exercises to find inner peace. The entire monitor was squeezed and glued by the office corrector. The office corrector on the monitor, it had to be thought of!!! Whoever would tell, he would not believe, there is no such thing, but the appearance of the monitor with white strips and glued ribbons spoke for itself.
Deep breathing: "Creature, your hands are curved to raise and put in your ass," exhalation:
Well, it is not paper.
- What a difference, and in general, I called, and you are nowhere, you must be at work. I have called hundreds of times.
Respiration: “What I called, I have no doubt. Calling and knocking on your boss is your favorite activity. And to think or ask, at least someone, there are no brains.
Why didn’t you ask someone else, for example, the secretary of the chief doctor or the secretary of the reception room?
They are stupid and do not understand anything.
He said, “Why do you really ask? Your ambition is above the roof, but with your head. If you pray your mouth, you will look smarter.”
Madam, please take a break. I will solve your problem immediately.
He took the screen, painted and lined with the corrector tape into his office. I went to her boss.
What to do? Continuing the training? Better to shoot.
The department looked at me carefully.
and sit down.
I sit down. The doctor gets a bottle of cognac and two small drinks from the closet. Drop the Cognac.
Drink and help.
I silently drink.
I got you. Fuck her, put her a printing machine.
Ten minutes later, the computer with the printer was cleaned and a printing machine was raised on the table.
I still got the prize.

Dogs may be our best friends, but cats will never tell the police where marijuana is.

Believe it or not, but it was so.

In 1998, I worked as a sysadmin in a medical center. At that time in other decent places used windows 95, and in very decent windows 98. In the office where I worked, the highest achievement of computer technology was Windows 3. 12, and that, only with the big bosses, and with secretaries and others only DOS and editor Einstein (there was such an editor, printed in Hebrew and worked under the board). But there were some office workers who printed on ordinary printing machines, thank you, though electric.

One day, the great chiefs demanded that the printing machines be removed, that all computers be put in place, and that they be taught how to work in that editor.

Computers installed, staff went to courses, everything went as planned, but some unconscious, but very "blatant" workers continued to persistently print on machines. One such unconscious lady was either a aunt or a cousin. the department. According to rumors, Madame had a very heavy character and all her dissatisfaction, using her connections, was placed on everyone who fell under her hand. It was told that while you change the tape on her printing machine, you will learn a lot about yourself, your relatives and friends. I did not believe those rumors. As it turned out, in vain.

Madam categorically refused to go to courses and I was asked to teach her how to turn on a computer, create folders, print and edit texts, as well as print to a printer. To teach, to teach, not the first time. My teaching experience was good, and most importantly, the boss promised a monthly salary. That is what I looked at. Money is always needed. I’ll be able to do it in a month, not for the first time. How naive I was.

I had to go to work at eight in the morning. I previously arrived at 9: 30-10: 00, but almost always delayed until late. Backup was on cassettes at the time, and they had to be changed every two hours.

Daily classes have begun. He taught to create folders, files, print, edit, in short, the most ordinary course. Aunt turned out to be not just a very heavy character and very low learning abilities, but an absolutely stupid creature. The classes were approximately as follows:

To save the file, press CTRL+S. See, the file is saved. Please repeat.

You didn’t tell me that yesterday.

I even made a label for you so that it would be convenient to remember.

This is another label. I saw you change her. You do everything to confuse me. It is time to be fired. Who took you to work?

I had to hear similar claims every day. If it were not the promise of the prize long ago would have sent "to the mother, with whom they did not do very well", but I took up, promised, we need to endure and continue to study.

The most difficult thing was to learn to edit the finished text and make changes. The aunt insisted on tapping the text again, pre-wrapping the excess in the printed. I mastered respiratory gymnastics, learned to listen absolutely calmly to all the claims to the boss, to the computer, to the program and to me. He became very philosophical to look at life, to repeat, as for the debilitated, the same thing. When she was leaving home, I smoked and drank coffee for almost an hour to get myself in order and make direct commitments.

Only in the sixth week of study the case moved from a dead spot. Something began to work out. And finally, by the end of the third month of stubborn brain harvesting, Madame stated that she knows everything and knows everything and even better than me. Okay, just very good. I was so happy to finish her course that I didn’t even have to do my job, leaving her for the next day.

There was nothing bad in the morning. He got up late, did not hurry for breakfast, drank a couple of cups of coffee, smoked a tub of good tobacco. In the most beautiful mood of the freed prisoner came to his office and...

The phone on the table sounded sober, with short breaks, as if I had urgently needed the whole world and the world without me was about to collapse. I pick up the phone:

Hi, how can I help?

Out of the tube was a roar of a raped rhino.

He is printing! I cut it out and he printed. Where are you going! Why are you nowhere!

Who is printing?

He is printing. I scratched and scratched, and he printed. I cannot work that way. I have not worked for two hours! I will write a report for you! You will be fired today.

Excuse me, madam, what did you hide there?

Short tubes in the tubes.

With the speed of a horse, bitten in the back by a scorpion, I carry to the scene of the accident. I open the door of the cabinet, look at the computer screen and here I needed all the breathing exercises to find inner peace. The entire monitor was squeezed and glued by the office corrector. The office corrector on the monitor, it had to be thought of! Whoever would tell, he would not believe, there is no such thing, but the appearance of the monitor with white strips and glued ribbons spoke for itself.

Deep breathing: "Creature, your hands are curved to raise and put in your ass," exhalation:

Well, it is not paper.

- What a difference, and in general, I called, and you are nowhere, you must be at work. I have called hundreds of times.

Respiration: “What I called, I have no doubt. Calling and knocking on your boss is your favorite activity. And to think or ask, at least someone, there is no brain. and exhale:

Why didn’t you ask someone else, for example, the secretary of the chief doctor or the secretary of the reception room?

They are stupid and do not understand anything.

He said, “Why do you really ask? Your ambition is above the roof, but with your head. If you pray, you will look smarter. and exhale:

Madam, please take a break. I will solve your problem immediately.

He took the screen, painted and lined with the corrector tape into his office. I went to her boss.

What to do? Continuing the training? Better to shoot.

The department looked at me carefully.

and sit down.

I sit down. The doctor gets a bottle of cognac and two small drinks from the closet. Drop the Cognac.

Drink and help.

I silently drink.

I got you. Fuck her, put her a printing machine.

Ten minutes later, the computer with the printer was cleaned and a printing machine was raised on the table.

I still got the prize.

I work as a receptionist. Just came a man (M) to the coloproctologist with pain below the back. The doctor (B) examined him and said

You have a gemorrhea.

M: It can’t be so!! to

B) Why can’t you?

I have been eating beef for 4 years.

B. What do you forgive?

- (M) Beef anus, for the prevention of gemorrhoea, in my family all men did so after 40.

- (B) You and the naked eye can see hemorrhoidal clots.

M can’t be! Give me my papers, I’ll go to a qualified doctor, not what you, charlatan.

The man left, signing the refusal and leaving us with reflection on the benefits of beef.

In my kindergarten, the logopedist was named Marina Valeryevna. And if you were able to pronounce her name clearly, then the logopedist was no longer needed.

Digital telecommunications of the country

Great dialogue with the client.

Are you a programmer?
and yes.
Is it free? I just need one project urgently.
and yes.
“Look, you need to make a program that would hack Yandex or Google and re-form it to me. Payment is 60 thousand.

You turn on Canadian TV: the main country in the world - Canada.
You turn on American TV: the main country in the world - the United States.
You turn on German TV: the main country in the world is Germany.
Includes Russian TV: the main country in the world - Ukraine.

He came home yesterday. On the staircase there is an old kitchen plate, a little rusty, a little yellowed. And I just need a plate for the day, and any quality, just to work. Knowing that the neighbor above is doing repairs, and having shown a little deduction, I go to him. An exemplary dialogue.

- Hello, neighbor, what is the plate and what are the plans for it?

- Hi, DA4N1K, workboard, but old, it is on the trash. I will throw it out tomorrow.

- Let me throw it out, I just have a great landfill of old household appliances.

No question, 50 Belarusian rubles (25 U.E.) And take it.

No, I say, I don’t need it so much.

You pay twice, you won’t find cheaper.

The plate does not burn, the country does not go through the whole winter.

I am returning from work today. The way through the rubbish. It is worth a plate, it is waiting for me, and I am not proud.

In general, it turned out that I, scump, even from the 3rd floor was downloaded for free...

Simplicity is worse than theft, but still better than theft.

I’ll tell you a story that happened to me in the years of my stupid and naive youth. Well, you know, the time when you want to help everyone and everything, and then you ask the surprised question: “How do I feel?“!”
I lived at the time in Helsinki, and for the duty of service I had to travel a lot around the Baltic States with trips to Poland. I used to fly, but because of the specifics, I used to ride more often.

The distances are not so to be terribly large, but the road Helsinki - Warsaw took a full day, and one to shave such pieces quickly gets bored. Therefore, quite often took stops - someone just kept silent all the way and did not light up, someone told about their trains by foot, someone just cases from life. The long road through three countries, even small ones, generally has a quick and friendly ride.

This time on the way back from Warsaw, leaving Panevezis, closer to the evening, on the exit from the gas station saw a girl looking 17-20 years old. Not especially thinking, I approached and asked – where it is going, since I did not see the usual poster with the name of the destination. The girl was going to go to Bauska... Hm... a strange choice of destination, because it is already in Latvia and as the end point does not fit in the overall picture. But what I care. I say I’m going to Tallinn so I can drive.
The girl jumps into the car, we touch and I usually ask to cling – I did not hear the lock click. He goes somewhere and gets a knife.

This is your grandmother and Yuri's day, I thought. I did a good deed, now this little girl will take me to her friends, the fucking carried on the maze. And such anger at this universal injustice took me that I didn't come up with anything better, and to be honest, I didn't really think about how to drag the wheel to the right and knock my stealth box, which by some misunderstanding was missed on the TO and called the proud word "car", in the first topol on the side.

The Boom! The girl said with her head about the panel.
The scream! My ribs said.
by Fuck! I said.

And then everything was difficult. There was a hospital and there was police and there were good and evil investigators who wanted to hang on me an attempted rape. It just did not stick to them - what an attempt is this: picked up, left 30 meters and immediately began to try to rape, and even attached. The girl hurried. They began to tell the girl who she was and where she came from and what she was doing here, they gave her a certificate in Klaipeda, and the usual goo-santabarbar broke out. The boy, the shameless man, the money was owed to the wrong people, someone threw the idea, and the brain is not. Here they went on tour in Lithuania, good guys like me were caught on a lifeboat.

In general, there, in Panevezis, that girl for five years had the mind to pick up.
And I have not loved Panevezis since then – I obviously didn’t get along with this city.

The rabbit was given a positive characteristic: “Eatable.”