The pleasant must go from the opposite.

The story of the "cat telepatic"
A cat, or rather a cat, drowned in a plastic bag. He got up the top and tried to breathe. When I caught a plastic bag with drowning kittens, it was left alive alone. Wet and dreaming of only one thing - to breathe. It was 1999. Thin, blind, not understanding what is happening.
When I got home, I realized we were going to divorce. “What is this ugliness?The ex shouted. “Do you know he’s blind?” I fed the cat from a pipette, and turned away from the sex cloth, which the former did not spare. Can you tell me I am allergic? Can you see that he’ll wipe it all?”
Basya slept on my arms, then moved because he grew up, and slept on my stomach. I was so relieved when we divorced. It was probably 2001 or 2002. 11 years of loneliness. I worked all the time, I am a big director of a huge company. Basha asked for only one. Eating and sleeping on my stomach. Remove the toilet. I went out with a cat every day, I went on vacation with him, the cat visited the United States and the Maldives. Until the null year of 2011 has come. I remember the night of December 31 for a moment. There was nothing to eat, I thought to buy a chicken and a salad to celebrate, but I sat in the office so much that I came home at 7 a.m. He fed the cat, opened the long-presented whiskey, and we sat in the kitchen, under the TV. There was light outside the window, and so I got sick, I cry, I can't calm down, straight offensive. That I am alone, that I am soon 40 years old, no wife, no children, and for whom it’s all... I think I’ll sleep. He pulled the cat off his stomach and lay somewhat more free. And here is dream. A cat comes in a dream and asks, “Do you really want a family? Will you drive me out when a child is born? Will you never drown me like in that plastic bag? Are you going to chew me like before? “I’ll find you a woman.”

I wake up from the fact that Basya vomits, bites my legs, breaks my leg straight into the blood. He got up and went to the pharmacy. January 1, 12 in the morning. They stood in a line of two people, the cashier stumbled, there was time, they talked, two months later they married. A boy was born who loved the cat. Basha died yesterday, he lived 19 years. He came to me in a dream for a couple of weeks and said, “I’m dying. I am sorry.”

In Davetsk, one MP proposed to trade licenses for the shooting of rare animals. The funds are used to increase the number of people shot. If you sell licenses to shoot deputies, then the funds will be enough to restore populations of both rare and rare animals.

There was a lawyer at our office. An intelligent man who has never been without work. Contractual matters, lawsuits, courts, claim work with debtors, etc. He never refused help to employees. He was indeed a good lawyer. But he was paid well, because he worked well. At some point, the director decided that he was paying too much and offered to move him to a fixed s/p with prizes. You don’t lose anything, but I’m more comfortable counting. But he refused. After long discussions and misunderstandings, they decided to quit.

But the director decided to save and transferred the main functions of the lawyer to the girl of the businessman, who previously only engaged in public procurement. She has a legal education, but no experience.

As a result: the girl failed, tears, hysteria and dismissal on her own. All legal work is done. He is now looking for a lawyer with a qualification for low z / p or jur. A company that will take over all the work for an outsourcing for a small fee. On the same robberies twice.

I asked him to take that guy back. He himself was not against. But such a man without work and weeks did not sit, already working for a competitor.

Those who call the light in the distance are no different, they are dark.

and allo? Is it a bank?
My name is Anna, how can I help you?
Your coat has been eaten! I will not pay the loan anymore.
*** by
Three months have passed...
Rise up! The trial is coming!
Your honour! In autumn last year, I borrowed for five years a nork coat, the season in it went away, everything was fine. But in the summer, the shirt ate the mole! Therefore, I stopped paying the loan and demand compensation from the bank for damages, moral damage and legal costs.
- Why did you decide that the bank is responsible in the event of eating a shovel?
- Here, in the loan agreement, it is written that until the full repayment of the loan, the shub is the property of the bank. The bank has not kept my assets in proper shape, why should I continue to pay for it?
Sorry, your honor, the bank is opposed! Is it stated in the contract that you can use a shirt? What is the fault of the bank?
Your honour! I have no complaints about the use of the shoe to the bank! I’ve been wearing clothes all season and it’s been fine. But tell me, who wears a shirt in the summer?
“Since you wore the jacket in the winter, you should have kept it until next season!
Please show me in which paragraph of the contract it is written? Do you have a separate storage agreement with us?
But the use of the shovel involves its storage between seasons and processing from moles.
- Your honor, at the end of the season, when it was time to clean up the winter stuff, I called the bank to consult on the issues of storage of their property. I even have a recording of that conversation.
Is this a bank?
My name is Sophia, how can I help you?
- I took the nork shirt in credit, through your bank, please check if there is a debt. Contract number 375 split 18 three zeroes 24185
One minute, Olga Pavlovna
Yes, it is me.
There are no debts, payments are made on time. Can I help you something else?
Can you tell me how to store this jacket in the summer?
Sorry to? I do not know. Hang it somewhere.
Can I leave it in the closet? Are there any additional storage requirements?
- No requirements, leave in the closet if you feel comfortable. Something else?
No thank you.
Your honour! The bank protested. The client asked the operator a question in which she is not competent!
Your honour! If the bank’s operator is not competent in such matters, why didn’t she transfer me to the specialist of the bank responsible for the interseason storage of shells?
There is no such department in the bank.
Very interesting! Do you have clothes and do not have a storage unit?
The protest was rejected!
- And in your presentation, how should we ensure the preservation of the shoe?
Why are you asking me about this? This is your coat, and you need to think about how to keep it so that I can continue to use it! You are not concerned about your property. Are you trying to blame me? will not come out! I will not pay for my shirt!
The court is removed for a meeting.

When Kafka, Orwell, Pelevin, Sorokin, Vojnovich were sold in Russia, it was funny, but when the Unknown on the Moon and Chipolino were sold, it became scary.

The butterfly is born to crawl, but it flies!

In 1868, the French merchant Jacques Bryan came up with, as he thought, a wonderful way to get rich. After the fierce success of the Orenburg floats at the Paris World Exhibition, French, London and Berlin fashion women struck their husbands, demanding to buy them a shell or sweater from the world's thinnest Orenburg floats. It was almost impossible to counterfeit Russian products: even the fur of Angora goats was one and a half times thicker than the Orenburg and after a long socks slid and fell, while the strange Russian t-shirts, violating all the laws of nature, became softer and fleasier. Demand grew, French ladies waited for three to four months for orders for Orenburg t-shirts, and Russian merchants, engaged in the sale of puffy products, were soon hanged with gold watches, diamond rings and silver chains, like Gypsy barons.

Jacques Bryan decided to buy beautiful Orenburg goats in Russia and breed them on a farm near Toulouse, and patent his products. Having drawn up a plan to wipe the nose of Russian trade, Jacques went to St. Petersburg, taking with him as an interpreter the elderly messier de Auguste, who in his youth was a teacher of French at a landlord estate. The journey did not happen from the very beginning: on the way to St. Petersburg, the sea was storming all the time, and Brian's messenger turned out several times a day, so that he walked on Russian soil losing five kilograms. And when the railway ended, and I had to get to the Orenburg hole, trembling in the chariot on the wheels, the old messier to Augustein accelerated the ischias. Hundreds of kilometers under the accompaniment of the old nuts: "Sitting in Toulouse, eating croissants and drinking croissants" - not everyone is able to withstand this. But Jacques Bryan was a strong nuts, and the breadth of Russian spaces did not scare him.

On the advice of knowledgeable people, Brian sent letters in advance to three Orenburg landlords, who were famous for the best goats - the landlord's people, who came without an invitation to the explorer, could, for good, point to the side and send them without goats and without money. Of the three recipients, one goat farmer Losev, a large landlord, whose possessions were located 25 verses west of Orenburg, responded to the French proposal.

Losev, a possessor of large buttocks and a great practical mind, sent the guards ahead and met the guests while they were riding the steppe. Being convinced that before him there were neither barracks nor starvation, he invited the French to the lord's house, fed, according to the Russian custom, until the outbreak, and advised Mr. de Auguste to apply from the sciatica a compress from the cabbage leaf and black radish.

When it came to the auction, Brian asked what price Losev would give him a dozen goats and a dozen goats.

“A thousand rubles in silver,” said Losev modestly.

A thousand rubles? But this is a robbery, messie, for this money you can buy thirty great horses!

You didn’t ride five thousand horses. And the road here and back will cost you both half that amount. The deal was fair.

The French tried to trade, but Losev was relentless. Tom was cut off. Brian personally examined the goat and goat, signed a deal, received a puppy shell as a gift for his wife and went home with a well-depleted wallet.

Goats, like unpretentious animals, survived the journey safely, and Brian has already begun to count profits in his mind.

But it was worth the goats to find themselves on a French farm, on bay lawns and in an excellent insulated camp, as unexpected problems began. Three months later, the wonderful puch, without waiting for the first haircut, began to fall and hang on the goats. The concerned Frenchman urgently telegraphed to Orenburg: "The hair is rotten. All the goats in cows. What to do?” Soon came the answer: “I know how to help your burn. I will send you a recipe for 1000 rubles. The Loss.”

Brian immediately collected the money and deported him to Russia. Losev did not lie and sent a recipe: in order for the puff to be thin and sprinkled, you need to feed the goat in the morning and evening with a crushed crust, and water it with mineral water. Cut the old, corrupted wool so that it does not hinder the growth of a new, silkish.

Brian immediately ordered a monthly supply to the farm of one hundred barrels of mineral water from Grenoble, and a huge cane cube was brought from the carrier: Brian's pregnant wife tried the mill and found it to taste good.

So the thing went: at 8 a.m. and 8 a.m. the animals were fed with sludge, and the messenger Bryan personally watched for his goats to drink only the expensive mineral and would not swallow during the day water from any sludge.

After three months of such a diet, a new one grew up in the place of the old shrinking feathers, which no longer climbed or collapsed, but was much rougher and shorter, and almost no different from the wool of ordinary French goats.

In desperation, Bryan sent another telegram to Orenburg: "The goats had a rough wool. Everyone has one. Please help with advice.” Soon came the answer: “I know how to save the situation. Get a recipe of 1500 rubles. The Loss.”

Brian cried out from the annoyance, but put it in the safe and sent more money to Russia. The rescue recipe did not make itself wait: you mel-to let us less, Losev wrote, and in the evening feed the goat with vegetables: pumpkin, carrots and cabbage in equal proportions. On one grass, goats will not give puff, because there is not enough potential in the body.

The Frenchman immediately committed to correct the mistakes and began to increase the capacity of the goats. The animals began to get the best cabbage and carrots from the surrounding farms, the reception of the meal remained only for breakfast, and, in addition, on the advice of one peasant woman, a special soft bed was brought to the goat farm so that the animals felt complete comfort and did not experience stress.

Three more months passed, the goats were noticeably amused by the good content, the nausea grew, but the ugly puff fell all out finally. Messier Brian drove veterinarians from all over the province to the goats, who were looking for a skin disease, but when neither depriving nor parasites were found, it remained to resort to the last remedy, and Brian again sent a telegram to Orenburg.

The goats lost their last poop. Please help. No means helps.”

Losew replied, “It’s an eye. There is an ancient rite for cleaning cattle from rot and dirt. Send 1500 rubles. The Loss.”

What was Brian doing? He sent Losev more money, and after some time he received a envelope sealed with a surgeon stamp. In the envelope was described how to remove the spoil.

“At full moon, take 300 raw eggs, 25 pounds of olive oil, 25 pounds of talc, half a pound of beetle flowers, mix and rub the goats in their sides three days in a row.”

Waiting for the full moon, Brian, not trusting anyone such an important procedure, personally broke in a large pelvis 300 eggs, weighed with accuracy to a gram of oil and talc and prepared ointment. Three days in a row he dried the goat with this ointment, which, by the way, on the third day began to dive with a dried egg, although it was put in a cold cellar for the night.

The result of all the efforts turned out to be zero, except for the fact that for the goats in the first days flew whole clouds of flies and cattle, attracted by the sharp smell of unfresh organic matter.

Here to messier Brian came on summer vacation nephew from the University of Lyon. Listening to the story of the horse-animal husband, he decided, “Here’s what, uncle. Stop tormenting the goats. Before you, an English scientist had already tried to grow long-haired Mongolian goats in Dartmoor - three years later, there was nothing left of their long wool. The climate is not that. In the Orenburg province in the summer +40, and in the winter minus 40, here the goats and appeared this thick protective puff. In Toulouse, where there is no snow in the winter, this protection is useless to animals.

Since then, Jacques Bryan began to respect scientists even more, abandoned the goat and engaged in winemaking.

The advice of the day in a women’s magazine: “Be sure your vibrator and electric shocker are of different colours.”

As a 12-year-old, I was walking with my dad in the summer and we were captivated by the smell of shale. I don’t know what kind of child foolishness it was, but I decided that I’t eat a shale. I decided to try the ribbons. They were brought with a huge kissman and had to cut them through with a dull knife and bite the flesh, breaking and stretching the ribs with small child palms. I refused my dad’s help and towels, and he quietly watched all this wildness and atrocity. When I finished, he said the following:

"You know, in a few years you will become an adult girl, boys will start calling you on dates... and when you are invited to a restaurant... you just... well you know... don't order a shorter ribbon.

When a woman rests, a man is calm. When a man rests, a woman becomes nervous.

October, the beginning of November - the barley season, no longer hot, water tolerable temperature, winter storms far away, beauty and only...
Especially on weekdays, a few people, roll on the beach and read the adventures of Fandorin - which is possible after duty.
The day-to-day leaves the first, which with an easy schedule means - freedom comes three hours before sunset, rushing to the beach, I again feel like a schoolchild who escaped from the lesson, except that instead of the Baltic Sea - the Pacific Ocean, the sand is bigger, instead of the Jurmal pine - palms, and the schoolchild sat...
Usually there are many children on the beach, families often go out with overnight stays, children of all ages rush to the shallow water, dig in the sand, try to please the fish...
I go swimming and I, swimming, go out and see - a company of 4 adults, having finished eating, approaches the edge of the water and... wash the dishes and the cutting board, oil spots float on the surface, next to the children!
I’ve never seen anything like this, obviously uncovered pigs.
They come back with a second portion of dirty dishes, young guys with dirty habits and cheap white garbage tattoos from mobile parks.
I’t have done that, if I were you, I would say it loudly.
Why is that more?! - with a challenge, say, read us, old whisper, a lecture, and we will send you deliciously!
Well, we will go another way.
You see, there are children...
And what?? to
Children tend to be proud, sometimes cuddling.
And adults, especially the elderly, with incontinence.
Here I am, I regret, I could not stand, I urinated, you apologize the old man...
The silence.
Without words they gathered the dishes in the bag and left, resentful, with disgust on the face.
Who would know that wickedness and wickedness are relatives?c) Michael Ashnin

If programmers come to power, then entire ministries will be replaced by a small script.

The mayor of one town in Karelia, in response to the question which city-forming enterprise they had, thought for a second, and then said:

Local Police Department. 120 people are working.

For some reason, we have people who pour out the social borscht, cooked by all of us and paid for by us, on the basis that they have a pollovnik in their hands, decided that they are feeding us.

We, like any other municipal organization, are subject to the administration of the city. Recently, there was a comic incident, which in principle wants to cry. I get a call to include an error check in Word. I look at this as a little knowledgeable and see nothing, the check is enabled, the document is virginly clean without a single red emphasis. I can tell you that she has 5+. But the principal does not give up and complains that the document was returned from the administration, the economic department found a lot of spelling errors there! And after talking to them on the phone, I just killed...

"See in the text - "Costs for PREVENTIVE MEASURES", you everywhere in the document is written with an error! What is this word Pre-VEN-TIV-NE? (They were asked by the readers.

There is a word in Russian: PRIMITIVE! Correct it and send it!”

Then it became so offensive. They sit there “up” and govern us.

Russia is such a big country that it doesn’t notice small people at all.

Did you not notice that people in the countryside are much less in a hurry? Likewise, they have more work - feed cattle, feed cows, garden, garden, farm, and all this without weekends - and rush less. They talk completely differently. without a hurry. and gradually.

I learned this way long ago when I had to work in a Lithuanian village.

I need to get to the mail. I came here recently, where the mail - I don't know yet. But I can communicate with the locals already - I watched. My grandfather works in the garden. I know him now. But approach and ask, like in the city, “Please tell me, where is the mail here?“Not in any case! This is both unusual and ignorant and, in general, throws a shadow on all urban - rude, and only.

Hi Sir, I am starting. God to help. Your potatoes have grown beautiful.

“Hello, lady,” the grandfather rattles, “yes, it’s growing well this year. It has not rained for a long time...

Yes, I agree, we need rain.

I wait. The conversation slowly continues.

Where did the girl come from? From the capital? Long distance from the capital. - What does the lady in the capital do? is studying? And then what will he do? Teaching the kids? Good thing... Good thing... And what is the lady looking for?

Here is. You can ask where the mail is. And then polite and not in a hurry to say goodbye, wishing you all good luck.
........................................................................................

I’ve lived in the millions of Los Angeles for a long time. But the ability to communicate in this way still serves me with faith and truth. The manners and here a little rural - strangers greeting on the street. In addition, a lot of rural people live here. Especially from Latin America.

I have to buy a very important gift today. After work, I go to a small children’s clothes shop nearby.

“Buenos Dias, sir, I greet the hostess. God to help. How is the trade today?

The mistress is blooming. You can finally talk to someone quietly and humanly. We exchange opinions about the weather, discuss the upcoming holidays... Finally, the gentleman is interested in what I would like to buy. I explain that I need a very nice dress for a three-year-old girl. I will be visiting my country soon. This is a gift for the little daughter of my friends.

Where is your country? The hostess is curious, laying on the shelf a whole bunch of small dresses with a bunch of clothes (Latin fashion).

Geography is well taught in Mexican schools. But she hardly remembers such a small country as Lithuania – Lithuania. No, of course he does not remember. But when I explain that this is near Poland, the gentleman is reviving. Yes Yes Yes! The Polony! From there came His Holiness Pope Juan Pablo Segundo. How, how of course!

From somewhere comes the little daughter-in-law. She points to a pink dress with a lush sweater and a tail:
This is the most beautiful! She will be a real princess!

I decided to follow her advice. After all, she knows best what little girls like.
She puts the dress in a beautiful box. And suddenly he breathes up and says, crossed:

Oh my God, what a distance! People also live...
........................................................................................

In a few months I will be in Lithuania. The dress has a great success. The little girl doesn't want to shoot him - she's in him like a real "plincessa".
Friends begin to drag me through different towns and villages - to show what has changed, what remains as it is.

In one of the towns, I go to a small shop. And it all repeats again. As in a dream, it repeats itself. Only in another language.

Hi you lady. God to help. How are the affairs...?

So, family health... weather... types of crops...

"Pani speaks Lithuanian well," the hostess compliments me, "but the lady is not there. Probably come to visit. from where?
From California, I answered.

The owner is dying for a moment. He thinks. Trying to imagine this distant unknown California. of another planet. is terrifying. to be baptized.

How far away! Just think! People also live...
........................................................................................
Yes is. People live everywhere. Everywhere people are people.

2019 year. The first words: “Attention! The film contains scenes of eating sausages.