I was bitten by a donkey in my cheek yesterday. Yesterday the eye because of this swelling strongly, today is still a snack, this trouble floor yesterday returned home bought beer and fish. I sit in front of the entrance and eat it and stupidly broke my front tooth with this fucking fish, talking like a shrimp. Go to the dentist for lunch. I wonder only when he sees me with such an eye and a broken tooth he will believe me that in my eye a donkey bitten and a tooth I broke about a fish?

In Russia, the phrase "Money will be credited over the course of a day" means "not earlier than after 23 hours" ((

I own a computer shop.
Talk about guarantee:

I’m sorry, I haven’t seen this kind of debboebism for a long time... never before...they’ve finished the cartridge, they’ve thrown it out, then the printer doesn’t print...they’ve gone to the court to file with me.

The guard told me: I had a friend whose doctors found a kefir stick. It’s when you drink a glass of milk and you’re drunk like a bottle of vodka. And what do you think? This idiot went away and healed 😉

The child was bought cubes with letters, on the letter Y colorfully drawn a bubble and headlines on it is beautiful "YAD".

<Aleut> in the past work once decided to go to nature with two departments. Distribute who buys. Responsible for the repellents brought a raptor plugged into the rotor. He picked up his clothes and ran to the store.

A funny story happened yesterday:
In general, at work, our office premises are near the warehouses, well, from these same warehouses dogs run to our offices sometimes, we of course chase them. Here is the situation:
Yesterday came the boss with her daughter 5 years to work, enters the transportation department and with the door opened lean to the daughter and says to her "Well, don't be afraid, come in!!!", while the girls in the transcopter department have not yet seen the daughter and thought that the boss is calling the dog, and how they will give the choir loudly "I will come to you now".
The poor child :)

I sent a pass to the client. In the pass office are sitting two aunts, who yesterday just put a computer (formerly written from the hand) one dictates passport data, the other carries them to the word.
Suddenly, the printer breaks off the keyboard and speaks frightened.
I pressed 5 instead of 8, what should I do?? to
The second answer killed:
Go out of the program and restart it. This is not paper, it cannot be repaired!!!! to

and Saphiroth:
And the dialogue with their secretary came out as follows:
Can you go to the solarium for 3 hours?
- Only if you are firmly convinced that your girlfriend is a good shemale more valuable than a guy.

R: Do you do it?
W: The wounds of the victim :-)
A: Do not print with your mouth full.

It does not pull its pocket, but it flows away.

Petrovich headed one of the LPU of MG OJSC "Gazprom". During the sixty years he passed through lights, water and pipes, and pipes, before passing, he also built in large numbers, because the future Gazprom was among the first. The head of Petrovich was from God: he knew his management to the last stucks and hooks, how he could provide the subordinates with housing, salary, "travel" benefits and honeycare, built a school in the village, the best kindergarten in the republic and even a nursery. It’s not on its own, ask? Not to theirs. But Petrovich "bite the funds", organized the construction, watched us - subcontractors, and this is a lot.

Petrovich and now the man is tough and demanding when he is retired, and already then - I don't know how to explain. He hated the lazy and deceitful with fierce hatred. Like every Soviet leader.
Petrovich first tried to re-educate them, but it didn't work out - he whispered and oppressed them in a terrible way and they feared him like fire in their production.
They even frightened their lazy children, telling people-eating stories about Petrovich, and even the new employees to frighten the boss - God himself commanded.
Frightened by this, Olga, who had just joined the construction group of the LPU, was not surprised at all when some "shocker" told her that there is a schedule at the LPU, according to which all women of the team go to Petrovich home to feed a cow. Petrovich de the cow recently bought, and to himself to doit in the wreckage, the wife is not - divorced, and he arranged the bark. Olga is a fighting girl, she will not offend herself, she even worked hard at the construction, but. But so did the fate that her husband, who at one time got married to a beautiful tank driver, took her to serve in Leningrad, Tajikistan, and they were asked immediately from Leningrad, as soon as the Soviet power with the friendship of the peoples ended. There are two other little children.
Refugees in general. And despite the difficult fate, Olga gathered the remnants of courage and went to Petrovich, if not to protest, then at least to say that she does not know how to feed cows.
and Petrovich! - started Olga from the threshold of the cabinet, but the phrase did not finish and
She suddenly cried for herself.
Petrovich, who if he doesn't like more lazy people, it's women's tears, stood up because of his chief table, took Olga from the door, sat down, wrapped his white sliced cloth, poured water in a glass.
Most curious, of course, why this new employee came to him to cry, but he sees that the matter will not be until it calms down.
by Piitrovich! - says, Olga scattered with tears and glimpses, - I can't
Eating a cow.
Petrovich has long been the boss. People came to him with all sorts of problems.
He was not even surprised at all.
“Nothing,” he said, reassuringly affectionately, “the matter is not difficult,
You will learn. No need to worry so much.
and Pietrovich! Olga continues to cry, realizing that she will not turn away.
I will never learn to feed a cow, and I will never learn to feed a cow.
Petrovich, remembering that Olga has two young children, that they are refugees, that she also has a tankist husband, already decided: Olga bought a cow to feed the children and her husband, and does not know how to feed and cries precisely for this reason.
We need to help, Petrovich decided, and to calm down.
“You will learn, you will learn,” he continued his speech, “it’s all simple, I’ll learn.
I will ask - you will help, first time, and then you will get used to it.
Olga, who was not smiling at all at the "fighting" work on the combination, gradually calmed down, wiped her tears, but began to get angry.
and Petrovich! She said in an unexpectedly loud voice, I repeat:
I can’t feed a cow, I can’t feed a cow.
- Olya, - Petrovich finally remembered the name of the new subordinate, and
There is also something in the anatomy of a cow, if a cow is not fed, it is
will die.
- and in torments, - remembering more animal husbandry details and
A large Olgin family, Petrovich added, - it is a pity, because the animal, yes.
The family will remain without food.
How without food? Olga surprised me because of her cow.
Dismissing the work?
- I will not expel you, of course, but the excuse I would take for you for cruelty, if
Petrovich was indeed a sadly condemned cow.
But he loved people more than animals, but you can sell a cow if you don’t eat it.
you want.
How do I sell your cow? Olga went into attack.
If you feel a slump in the boss, you must sell it yourself.
Employees are no longer forced to take care of them.
- The post, which employees to sell and which cow to care for, - again not
Petrovich, can you explain it?
- I was told, - Olgin's tears have already completely dried up, - that tomorrow my
It’s time to feed your cow. According to schedule. I cannot and will not. and you
It is better to sell it and not torture people.
“Now I understand,” said Petrovich, “I don’t have a cow. Schedule also
No is. There are jokes. Who told you about the schedule? Although,
It does not matter. We do so. Petrovich left Olga and sat down in his house.
You have a chair, right? There is. I have these projects with hosts.
I chose myself. I’ll give you a cow and seed for the evening. A is
You give to the jokers: Petrovich gave you his cow, the schedule of the dog
Cancelled - now the joke will constantly doy her. Give it obligatory
Tell me I’ll check in the morning. You can go.
And Petrovich, who never threw words to the wind, began to call the director of the nearest "colloquium" to agree on a monthly lease of the cow.
Monthly because Olga did not know how to breastfeed a cow, and more than a month of breastfeeding
It’s a tough punishment for such a joke.

The Israeli port city of Haifa was once severely affected by pigeons. As a result of some epidemic, birds suffered from diarrhea, and the pigeon’s sickle literally seized the roofs of houses and temples, streets, squares and streets. Municipality
Haifa spent large amounts of money every day for purification, but it was all in vain.
On one of these days, a man came to the mayor who promised the following:
“I know your problem,” he said to the mayor, “and I am ready to get rid of the city.
Pigs in one day. And I will do it completely unselfish if you
You promise not to ask me any questions afterwards. In the contrary
If so, I’ll ask you for a million dollars.
No wonder the mayor agreed to a free option.
The next day, a man climbed to the roof of the town hall, pulled out a blue pigeon from his sinuses and released it into the sky. The bird rolled over the roof and swam toward the sky. All the pigeons of the city, seeing the blue fellow, fell into a huge herd and flew after him. And none came back.
Except for the blue pigeon, which soon returned to the owner.
When he learned this, the mayor of Haifa was so shocked by the miracle he witnessed that he handed over to the bird's owner a cheque worth one million, and said:
Can I ask you just one question?
Of course, we have agreed.
In that case, say, you do not have a blue Arab?

Kasper says Dr. Web found the virus and removed it
-
I complained sugar.

XXX is
It is 130 thousand. In the contact of the day passwords broken and spurted!!)
XXX is
Dad called me to tell me.
XXX is
and you are here with your stupid questions "where is the clitoris of the tomato?"

Only the Russians can agree with the whole country to ruin a cellular operator only for the unreasonable words of its head.

I treat you very well!
If you die, I’ll even wait a couple of weeks before joking about it :)

AnnoX (31 July 2009): not to see you "kernel panic" and "die message", let the numbers "404" and "504" bypass you, let the unplanned shutdowns of the light disappear from you, let the duty of the weekend pass by you, let the chiefs of the hard day bypass you, let the things that must stand not fall, let the holiday day come after Sunday, let your will reign in the network of the users, let your kingdom come on the masses, let your salary be like the mountains of the Alps, let the users and the chiefs call you their savior...
by admin...

Konik: the morning in the subway, everything as usual, on Taganka I eat in the first wagon, but the people still dofiga, the doors are already closed - but a full uncle has time to climb into the closing door. The doors close and open again, and again and again, I stand next to the wall that separates the driver’s cab and the car, and I hear clearly: you are a fucker, on!
The man is still pressed.)

Oh, I go, I go... Behind me, the mother is mocking the child... On the left, a girl with a dog is walking... On the right, a boy on the bench hugs a bottle... Behind him, the man holds a butterfly... And I am going alone...Why is no one mocking me for stupid deeds? Why is no one walking with me late in the evening? Why not embrace him with the same respect? Why will no one stand up or hold when I fall?
Because you are lazy! She didn’t have to tell her that she had small breasts, idiot!! to