Sarah to her husband:
Immediately apologize to the shnerzons!
The husband of Sarah:
I will not apologize!
and no. You will apologize!
Okay okay.
The man calls the Schneersonen number:
Is this the Siddhartha apartment?
No is!
Sorry please!

The old man gathered his children before he died and said, “Bring me a crown.”

The kids said they only have a robot vacuum cleaner.

The old man said, “Then break the robot vacuum cleaner.”

The children said, “He’s already broken.”

Here is a story about how I had a hostel in Moscow on the Garden Ring for 3 years. I’ll explain immediately, my partner and I didn’t understand anything about this business at the time, just decided to earn a bucket at the 2018 FIFA World Cup, so we were wildly distracted by what was happening.



We bought a ready-made business, reviewed the heroic cloud of options, and the main problem was always that the owners could not normally reduce the business numbers, everything looked lipy. As a result, a month later, they found one small for 35 places, watched the flow of people for 2 weeks and bought.



This story is not about business, but about people, so let me immediately write the numbers: bought for 3.5 million rubles, the room was rented, everything went off in 15 months, at the World Cup earned very well, more than expected, and closed due to a new tenant (Menta).He put forward such conditions that it was cheaper to sell everything and leave. There was also a pandemic, profits fell, and I was already in the states. In general, even with this arrangement, we earned more than the business plan envisaged, I do not regret the money. But here we survived just the PZDC as much as the whole lotus.



The former owner is the administrator. The lady of 40, worked for more than one year, lived for 2 weeks directly in the hostel, because her apartment was in the distant suburb of Moscow, which we had at hand, and still did the job of a cleaner to get 2 sp. We bought the hostel in December and everything was fine.



But there was this lady with a young bearded man from a hot southern republic. He spent the whole day with her in the hostel, stayed for the night, but I was not against, the guy seemed to be adequate and watched for order among the tenants. In the first two weeks, everything went straight, nooh.



On January 1, at 7 in the morning, I wake up from the lion of badun at home from the phone call. The tenant calls and says, “Come soon, I’ve found your number, there’s shit, police, blood, meat, disassembly.” In panic, I ran into the hostel and shook from what happened. It turns out...



On New Year's Eve, the tenants and the administrator decided to arrange a small party, although it is forbidden, they covered the table, champagne, all the affairs, but here the giant begins a quarrel with his lady and to show all the tenants his giantness, he grabs a knife and beats them his love straight under the ribs.



The men break down to scatter them, some fierce macheteer begins, someone causes mentiers, the jihit attacks and, in the end, an army comes to them, this camouflage is twisted and taken away, but he has time to scream that he will definitely finish what he has begun, as he returns. The lady runs away.



In short, I come in the morning, there are investigators, taking testimonies from everyone. The main cameras were turned aside, nothing is visible. In the hostel a fucking man, the administrator ran away. A miracle did not break the box. In general, from this 1st of January I appeared gray hair.



Also, new residents come and cheer from what they have seen. Within a few hours, the mints leave, I begin to put order. Here fall two healthy bearded bodies from the same republic. One of them is our brother Liu Kang. He from the threshold begins to tell me how long and painful



He will cut off my head if his brother is closed. The second wart suddenly gets the Xive of the Investigative Committee and promises to find a barrel of heroin directly in the hostel if I do not find the administrator who has had time to roll the claim. In short, the fucking fun. I guessed the tactics. Here is she.



The “stupid” tactic. I didn’t start calling friends from the same SK or just bullshit. I stupidly rubbed the fool, who like from the series on NTV: "no, you che, guys, I'm that che, but, guys, just calm down, New Year, let's do better." After five minutes of discussion, they realized that



I am full of dumbobs, have nothing to take from me and leave. And never returned again. One hour later, a missing manager called me. In tears she told me everything I wrote above. She hid from her friend and was even afraid to go to the hospital to fill her hole in her side.



And then there was a moment that I suddenly began to respect myself. She allowed some to live in debt, but it was on her salary. At that time, the debtors were almost half of her. And you know, I’m not boasting, but I’ve never felt so sorry for anyone before. The debt was forgiven her, sent out a full package with one condition that she would no longer be close to the hostel. So they separated. But the race forward, the condition she did not fulfill and we had more problems afterwards because of her.



I chased further. The biggest discovery I’ve made for myself while holding a hostel is what kind of shit is happening in the center of Moscow. Previously, it seemed to be dangerous on the outskirts of the bedrooms, but because there, in the center, is just an uncontrollable chaos of crime, which has constantly flowed to us.



One day, in the middle of the night, an omon broke in and laid everyone on the floor. They were looking for a man who armed attacked the menta (WTF??). I have never been told that this is our fucking hostel. They just broke the door, broke half of the furniture, put it in the fucker to the tenant who did not want to wake up, and left.



The poor worker man lived with us for three months, but he was so offended that he left the next day. I was so sorry, I offered him to live for free as a compensation, but he silently gathered and left. I am still upset by him (



There were two hosts. Of course, I didn’t know what they were doing at first, but one day a district officer came and told me that there were more than 20 episodes of theft in a couple of my tenants. The problem is that they robbed the subway 50 meters from the hostel and then went home.



The drug addicts came in packages. This is a separate shit. Over time, we began to count them as grandmothers in the store. The scheme is this: the man decides to kill himself naked for a day, he can not go home to his mom, and in the hostel it is cheaper and safer than on the street. This fucking miracle came to us.



My poor administrators, they saw no less than the sanitary of the drug dispenser. For the first few months of min 2 times a week, an ambulance came to us to pick up another traveller. And it was almost impossible to calculate some, adequate people come, and in an hour they begin to shrink.



One thing I remember straight. He killed a whore and started falling on the walls. Go straight, fuck your head. They called an ambulance again, but a man-working man came out of the neighboring room after the shift, wrote Tom Tarzan in a whip, cut it off and went back to sleep. The ambulance took the body.



It’s hard to describe what happened to me in those days. Very quickly I started to be afraid of the phone ringing, because if they were calling from the hostel, it means there was a shit again. I don’t joke, I have panic attacks sometimes. At the same time, I still worked on a normal job in parallel.



You don’t think there were only margins. 50-60% of the tenants - workers, lived constantly, someone for years, paid properly, even helped to put order. Here is the other half...



Theft happened constantly. I’m used to talking to menta every week. And the "gastrolers" were also constantly settled: the guy will live a day to chew on the bags, and sick. Who is to blame afterwards? It is right, hostel. A man had stolen an old laptop.



He demanded from the administrator the number of the owner (me), allegedly I now have to compensate for everything. Of course, he was sympathetized, but sent us. The man promised to burn the hostel and kill my whole family. But I was not afraid, because I was threatened every month by offended tenants, I got used to it.



For example, the man does not pay a week, he is hinted that it is time to drop, and he in response promises to pursue me and pierce his head. There were a lot of such idiots. And some behave so fucking that you really don’t doubt his intentions.



But most of all, I was fucked by the dirty toilet. It’s shit, I still hate sanitary. The room was arranged so that on each toilet a separate pump was placed, which was blocked from the mess of any undigested pasta.



Therefore, everywhere fun signs Nothing to throw into the uniform. And you know what? These piddars specifically threw everything there so that I could get rid of it: slanders, scratches, bite dishes, and bark almost spare parts from the Boeing. Then the sanitary came and took 2k from me for the challenge. First this



It was almost three times a week. Then we started tracking the fools through the cameras. Literally straight, watched who was there for how long and if the toilet worked afterwards. And it worked, they put the fools out on the street. Ordinary residents were then overwhelmed because



Because of these fools they had to run to the toilet to the neighboring shopping center to fuck. There was a similar type of terrorism. Some of the offended haters carried bugs and gathered. We also calculated them, although it took 4 months. Because of this, we had to order processing.



Almost every 2 weeks and each cost 15k. Imagine how much money we lost on that. And all because of the offended webbans we refused to settle for free.



At first, battles were frequent and almost always started by brothers from the southern republics. After six months, we decided to stop settling them. Let me forgive the good people from the southern peoples, but we had no other option to stop this shit.



They could fight because of any hernias. Once, a guy knocked another fork in his hand for the nard. Fuck the nerds. Something he didn’t like about that game. Another time one was caught stealing someone else’s food and arranged a dark one for him at night. Fucking in jail.



When I expelled one of them for another such shit, I was promised to cut off my head again. I have stopped paying attention to it. In general, so it went with a variable shit, as suddenly after 2 years returns to Liu Kang from the beginning of the story



He sat down, went out for good behavior and came to the hostel because... you’re now shaking up... because he got married to that grandmother whom he struck with a knife at the beginning of the trade, and came to demand that we take her back to work and get it back as it was.



I was in the U.S. then, my partner understood it. It ended with all 10 rosgardists, knocked-out doors and another arrest of that dude. He still said that his brother (the same who came to me for a breakup) was killed, we are also to blame for this and we will soon answer for it.



At the World Cup we were all booked and we could not leave permanent residents. Some rebelled and came only with the police. And one man filed against me for this in court)) in the real court. And then he made a statement that we were selling drugs directly in the hostel.



The WM itself was calm. I could never find an administrator with English, so I had to work there myself for a month. And you know what? Foreigners have never killed the Unix. No once fucking. We hanged a sign in three languages and that’s it! This is the difference in mentality.



Time to finish. I don’t regret anything, but I still have nightmares about a fucking hostel. We earned money, but if I knew how much mental health it would take, I’t have signed up for that adventure in my life. The End.

A small cafeteria, the beginning of zero, sits a decent uncle of forty years old, eats a salad, drinks juice, all ranks a servant. He sits with his back to the door, which is important, strictly behind the back of the hangar on which his jacket hangs. The cafe is full of people, people communicate, eat, have fun.

Suddenly another quite decently dressed gentleman appears in the door, looks around, sees the back of the above-mentioned gentleman, his jacket, smiles mysteriously and begins to sculpt him. Very pathetic, with grimace, and if someone pays attention to him, he presses his finger to his lips and smiles mysteriously again. Well, the people say that there is a place to be a fun joke, according to the current "prank", is called. The audience calmed down and watched the show.

The newcomer, curling up, gets to the dining chair, carefully removes the jacket from the hanging, throws it on himself, and evilly smiles up his knees and leaves the institution. Waiting for the first man’s reaction. And she was. He ate, calculated, began to look for his jacket. He searches and doesn’t know where he’s gone. Everybody around is restrained. A minute later, someone can’t stand it and says, man, don’t torment, a friend has played you, a jacket has struck you. He is waiting for you on the street.

A man comes into a distressing state and says that he has no one in this city, he came on a business trip for a couple of days and no one knows here.

It was not a prank. The jacket was never found.

The younger son yesterday burned with the desire to write a letter to Santa Claus. A child 8 years.

What gift do you want to ask for? - ask with such a clever interest, so that the New Year's miracle to the child.

The Encyclopedia! He joyfully declares. Well, of course, we were delighted – a beautiful child is looking for knowledge, and not for all the fun there.

He wrote a letter, giving to check, so that Santa Claus because of mistakes did not decide to refuse him in the gift for the new year. We read:

“Father Christmas, please give me an encyclopedia, and my best friend Artem a new playstation! »

Rejoice even more – for a friend asks, but still the question can not be asked:

“Son, why do you ask for yourself only an encyclopedia and for a friend a whole console? ! to

And he and I promised to exchange Christmas presents!

I meet with tourists at the hotel reception. I'm talking about safety: that in no case can you leave things unattended, up to the point that if you carry a bag through your shoulder, you need to hold it with your hand, as they can break off the passing motorcycle. I tell all kinds of stories about my acquaintances and other tourists so that people remember something and they are more attentive to their things, and I would have less to deal with statements to the police. At the end of the meeting, a tourist wants to buy excursions and asks me to wait until she goes for the money, saying:

I put my wallet on a beach bed so everyone knows the bed is busy.

And tell us, what share of the national income Moscow allocates to the regions?

When my friend went on a date with a guy from a dating site, she ordered me to call her in 15 minutes. If he doesn't like her and she wants to merge, then on my call she will answer and say that it's time, say, called urgently. I call her, she is cute, I think she liked it. After 20 minutes I was told in tears - he was called in 15 minutes and called somewhere urgently))

I did not understand again. Armenia, Azerbaijan and Turkey fought. Without tomatoes, we are left.

Xxx: When I just looked at the lists of those in our group, the proud and loud ‘Kolbasevich’ stood out very strongly from the standard names. It should not be said that on the first day of his studies, I expected to see most of all and looked at fellow students guessing who of them could bear such a mysterious surname.

The first call showed that no Kolbasevichs were present on the pairs.

The group we had was friendly, we celebrated any more or less significant event together and every time we did not forget to say a toast for Kolbasevich. In the pairs, the girls promised the teachers that they would definitely let him rewrite the notes, and I, as a senior officer, kept a record of their unsuccessful accounts and missed activities, and also included the dean with his consistent passes.

At the end of the year, we arranged for Kolbasevich to join the army and prepared to continue further training without him.

But in September, I saw his name as part of the group, not on the lists to be deducted. It was strange, but it was another year.

And another one.

and more.

The end of this story is quite sad: Kolbasevich received a diploma about the successful completion of our university with a fairly good average score.

We have never seen him like this, but I still have hope for the evening of meeting the graduates.

We have an interesting and big family. In the words of her husband’s mother:

I come home from work, my grandfather is sitting on the doorstep, something so appetizing. We sit next to you, we talk. And I’ll take it and ask why it’s so delicious?

“To cherry girls to see the children scattered, picked up, eat.”

The investigation found that the children tried to lure the cat on the street with a kit, and the whole path from the feed was laid out. The cat stayed in the house, and the grandfather also came in :)

My younger brother and I were and often ride the electric car home/to the city. And for children under 8 years old (type) had their own rates, older - as an adult.

And then one day we’re going to go home again and approach the ticket box. We ask for tickets, which the cashier asks us for age.

We looked around, thinking, “to break or not?” "But since they were well educated, they decided to name the real age.

We told the seller that we were 10 and 12 years old, respectively. The saleswoman laughed at it and said, “Is this where you were taught to lie?” I bought children’s tickets.

It was 15 years ago. My friend went on a date almost "blindly" (there was only one vague photo of the lady), asked me after half an hour to call him to decide whether to run away from the date or stay. I said “OK” and, in order to shorten the time, scored Quake 3: Arena.

Call in 2 hours. I raise the phone and I hear, “Well, you and Ssssuka...”

I work on the ship. We are in Turkey in Tekirdaag. Last day of discharge. And I see a cat going in the direction of our boiler and jumping onto the deck. No one paid special attention to it. We landed and already in the sea noticed that the cat was left with us. What to do with him. We decided at the nearest parking lot to call the boat and transfer it to the shore. There is no parking, there is no cat. We searched for the crew, but we couldn’t find it. I thought he jumped out of the boat. We go back and see the cat sitting on the tank. It was several times. There is no parking, no cat. As soon as the ship moves, it’s cute. Everyone is used to it, even the name has been given, Skipper. But here we came to Samara to load. Arrived at the marsh. There are a lot of pigeons and they eat grain. Cats that eat pigeons. I see Skipper from the boat jump and to the cats, more precisely to the white cat. We thought he would come back. So he stayed in Samaria. Botzman then said to me, "You see Sereg, how much Skipper overcame for love, according to the standards of the cat, half the world has passed with us, all for love. Could it so?“I did not answer him at the time. Only now I thought I could)

Once in the universe I had a lecturer, who did not conduct a full call of the group, but named only the names of a few random students.

One day, on a pair, he starts a call, calls the first student's surname - no one, then the second - also not, then the third - again not.

There was a silence in the audience and a voice from the group: "Triple".

We are ordered to keep cold, but we are alive.

When I was a student, I rented an apartment in Kemerovo. My parents held all kinds of livelihoods in the village and from time to time gave me any provisions so that the child would not die of hunger. Once in the late autumn after another trip to the historic homeland, mommy, accompanying me to the city, says: "Soon we will be pigs, I, like a slaughter, will send you a telegram, so that you come for fresh food." Well, okay... In two weeks I sit at home, I drink tea with one-touchers. The call. I open the door - and there is a postman (a thick aunt of Motya) and with a frightening and mysterious voice says to me: "You have a telegram... sign up." I signed up. She stands and does not leave. “Something else?” I ask. “Yes no,” he replies. No, no is not so. I closed the door and read, “The seventh. Come to. “Mom.” Friends, when they read it, fell into a precipice.

So far no one can explain why Russia’s enemies are always those who have tomatoes, fruits, parmesan and chamomile, and Russia’s friends are always those who have nothing to eat.

The case occurred in Moscow in 2002. I am 23 years old. So, I got sick with the flu, I was sick for 2 weeks, then went to work. After 2 days again the fever, the head hurt heavily, the back. The next day, the temperature dropped to 37, 5, but there was a crazy headache and vomiting. I went to the district, the ambulance came 2 times, everyone looked closely, squeezed anesthetic, anesthetic and said - complications after the flu, for some reason no one offered to the hospital, the figure knows, maybe because the temperature was not high. 2 days have passed, I am getting worse, almost straight to glucose. Mother calls an ambulance again, the brigade comes, well honestly, whether it is from a good body, or if it is already subjects. The doctor said so aside, trying not to breathe on us, but amber on the whole room. And here this doctor looks at me for 2 minutes and says not very sober: she has meningitis, immediately to the hospital. Diagnosis: purulent meningitis, in the hospital said a few more hours and it's all. Droplets, dozens of injections, there was no living place at the fifth point. 3 weeks in the hospital, then the sanatorium. It has been recovering for a long time, but it all went without consequences.

That brigade saved my life.

Xxx: During sex I’m usually on top. The floor above.