The matter was in my childhood, and we were then ten to eleven years old (year of action 1990-1991). A new guy appeared in our courtyard, well, and we are all friendly - such a good company (truly, we were a good company), well, and according to all the laws of the court, we must accept, get acquainted with the newcomer, well, and make him a "board" of their own.

Everything was done and fulfilled. Did he great to pursue, while his parents were engaged in unloading and transferring furniture, told us what and where we have interesting things, and where you can go, and where you should not go - all from a pure soul, and from a pure heart. They even brought us to Kolka for guests (one of our company), where they played with the whole crowd, and Mother Kolie fed us all for lunch. No need to say that the bad ones - they have eaten, so it was done. And they went to visit me, and I also fed them, and otherwise - it was normal.

So, we split closer to the evening, and agreed that tomorrow we will be chasing football. The next day, we crossed, as agreed. They chased the soccer, well, and this crendel (Yurick – if you read this, you will remember) says:

Come to visit me.

What is not. Go to. We did not eat lunch there because his parents were not at home. Well, the toys played in Jurikovsky, the photos looked in the album, and again on the street. The day ended normally.

The next day, Yuri came to our black cloud companion. Destroyed and evil.

Why was money stolen?! to

What money?

- In the bank of coffee, with an Indian, was. This is not my treasury, older sisters, there were twelve rubles! (I don’t remember exactly how much – but the sum, for the Soviet boy, is really enormous).

We did not take!

In the morning, after you left, they disappeared. Give it back, or I’ll get into it.

Well, in short, this is how badly it went out... Well, of course, they got caught up with each other, they all rejected, and NEVER there was such a thing that even a penny of a stranger, even one of us took – NEVER!

Okay, I have to return. Of course, and the relationship in the company we have little for those few days that the money was collected, the parents asked, the bottles were collected on all the sweaters, and under the column they were washed to surrender - spoiled. Well, how can they not ruin if one of us is a thief!

We gathered that damn money, well, to him, to Yurk. I knock on the door and my mother opens it.

Call to Yuri.

He is at Grandma.

My grandmother is with my grandmother and we go. At the entrance we sit, we think...Maybe he was sent to his grandmother in punishment? Maybe we already know it, and we are deceiving it? What to do? The boy must be saved! Shortly decided and went.

I call and my mom opens again.

“Look, take,” we stretch the money, “these are the ones that are missing.

Boys, what are you talking about? What money?

- From the bank you, who with the Indian, disappeared. Here is. We have gathered. We don’t know who took it.

From which bank? Come in and tell us everything normally.

Well, we went, we showed the bank, we told you what and how it was in detail, we all look over, our noses hanged, because... well, it turns out that this WOR is standing among us, blowing up, and also breeding the guilty builds, but the fool is not admitted!

This bank, guys, has just been released. So there was no money there. And Jura...He has already done so. I lied to him, forgive him.

Somehow the story ended. With Juric then, “for some reason” we were not friends.

Being on the guard, in correspondence with my wife and in parallel chat with my colleagues - subordinates, I wrote to my wife "I am waiting for a photo of my ass)". At the parking lot, the message was sent to the general working chat of the workshop.

After 10 minutes I had photos of a broken crane, welding work on the pump, no passage to the warehouse.

No one ass.

I had to wait for one person. I walked around the house where several walnuts grew and watched this picture as the crown waited for the car to pass and threw walnuts under the wheels. But not all cars were hit by the wheel. And I, having compassion for the frog, came to the unbroken nuts, crushed it with my foot and went away. The crown went down, ate the nuts, staring at me. I left and returned in 5 minutes, throwing the nuts under my feet. So I walked about an hour and crushed her nuts...

When a person does the same thing hundreds of times, with time the movements are optimized to the most optimal and are done already on the machine. When I carry the tea from the kitchen to the comp, I have the perfectly established shortest route, my little one stops in millimeters from the plintus at the corners, the shoulder is pushed up during the turn around the chest, and after entering the room, the hand pushes the door precisely with such force that all inertia ends in a millimetre from the touch of the door and the chest and silently closes. So it’s not just athletes who have perfect movements.

An idiot does not need to build anything from himself, he is already in his kind of perfection.

When I was a kid, I had a grandfather. “Well what?” You ask me. Grandparents are everybody. The usual case.
It is so, not entirely. The children of my generation had little grandparents. My grandmothers were, yes. The military widows.

My grandmother was also a military widow. Where did Grandpa come from? Her grandfather was her second husband, her mother’s father. He was also a widow, his family (children and wife, pregnant with twins at the beginning of the war) died in the Minsk ghetto. He himself remained alive by chance – rushed to take his eldest daughter from the summer camp under the tombile. I could not go back to Minsk. not had time.

Then there were many such families - people, broken by the war and lost loved ones, came together and tried to rebuild some peaceful life, raise surviving children.

My grandfather was a clockmaker. A good watchmaker - other watchmakers respected him very much and admired his skill. “Well,” smiled the grandfather, “I was given ten years of teaching to such a master!”
The master became his second father. The disciple adored him, wrote letters to him and consulted him in difficult times - all his life, as long as the Master was alive.

The childhood memory. I am 5 years old. The evening. It is dark in the room. At one end of the long table burns a bright table lamp, and the grandfather, putting a lump in the eye, concentrated over the next clock. I know that it is impossible to distract or distract him, his work is small and diligent. I am just interested in watching him. But if suddenly a small piece falls on the floor, I immediately jump up and run for the magnet - "there are children's eyes... found? This is smart!”

Grandfather's watches were different - mostly handheld, of course, but also desktops and walls... We also had old German watches hanging at home, bought after the war at the bazar and hand-repaired by them. They beat every hour – a bim-bom! Every half hour a bomb!
(All my life afterwards I will be drawn to old watches, desks, floors and especially walls with battle - unfashionable and unnecessary in our time, they will remind me of my childhood and grandfather.)

One day, the client brought to repair the stalled clock and begged his grandfather to "do something". The clock was wrapped in a blanket like a child. Very old clock. In a terrible condition.

“No,” my grandfather shrugged his head, “I can’t fix such a mess. They have a place in the garbage. I have no such details.

But the client did not leave. He continued to call “the best master”. It was very important for him to make that clock go back. No, he didn’t need others. It is these. After long interrogations, he finally admitted that his reason was, of course, a fool... but daddy... the old daddy... “has gotten in his head”... when the clock stops, he will die. How do you like that? Have you ever heard something like this? And now he slept out of sorrow and says that his time has come...

Grandpa scratched his head and promised to try.

Oh, and he was tormented with those hours, oh, and wept! He consulted with other watchmakers, cleansed something carefully, tossed and wrapped, looked for some missing springs... One day we and he even went somewhere far away to the other end of the city, where in a small wooden booth a very ancient old man sat and digged in old mechanisms. Once he was even a better master than my grandfather, but now for the difficult work no longer took - the eyes are not the same, the hands are not the same... But no matter how there was, the right wheel he still found.

The grandmother cried, recalled the old Jewish word "ain-rE-de-nish" - "self-suspension", "self-deal", "imaginary disease", argued that a person can go through a war, lose loved ones, overcome unbearable pain, survive the most terrible times - and die from such nonsense...

After a long time, the clock was repaired. The client was out of joy.

Grandpa died three years later. The owner of the watch recovered and lived safely for several more years. The old clock survived them both. And they went for a long time, counting the time that passes... and goes... and is forgotten.

And only somewhere deep in the bottom of my memory is still warm an old saying in an already almost dead language: "An anredenish from Erger Fun a Krenk" - "Imaginary disease is worse than real."

Memory is such a thing... if it is allowed, it takes us back, back, to those times that have long passed and will never return - where everyone we loved is still alive.
But when I take the clock in my hands to turn the arrow again, I always hear my grandfather’s voice: “Never turn the clock back! It is very harmful! Just forward!”

Only forward.

Download a calorie counting program! I quickly switched to double accounting.

Xxx: A bit about the defense of the diploma.

Protection of diplomas. We sit. Answers Zarina, whose diploma I wrote and painted for a material reward.

- Hey, sweetheart, - begins one of the commission, - but say, you have a plan of the shop under point one, what is indicated?

I am nervous... I forgot.

- And out there, in the corner, with the booklets “P.I.” (fire box)?

Where is?

Right there, up there, up there.

A... I...

In the other corner, all the points are listed.

Oh yes thank you.

Then she successfully overlooks everything she can, and under the curtain she is asked:

- Okay, Zarinochka, about your preparedness for the defense of the diploma, we already have an idea. Answer a question for understanding the subject. Is it possible to make a tooth of six?

and yes! Confidently declares the surrender.

Thank you, we’ve finished with you.

After this “no” to the defense of the diploma, she demanded to return her money for the completed diploma, as she did not defend because of its “irregularity”.

I come to the bank, communicate with one very nice employee, fit a man in the years, apparently her boss, well I and, wishing to make a compliment to the girl, loudly stated:

What beautiful employees you have!

And the boss with a squirrel, to see a man with a good sense of humor, also answers loudly:

Just look at our employees!

Intelligent people are very afraid to cross the boundary of permissible, hams beyond this boundary - live.

My friend was a Lithuanian. Married in Lithuania. People are calm, even phlegmatic, I would say.

Then they went to West Virginia to rest. They took off the house, walked, entered the house and went to sleep. Her wife, Lyma, woke up first, and the first thing she saw when she woke up was a huge snake coming out of the bed. The other would envy, of course, but Lyme was Lithuanian, so she gently pushed Algirdas and said, "Algis, we have a snake under the bed." Algirdas, who was tired after a six-hour ride last day, did not want to wake up, so he cried out, "You can't see the snake if it's under the bed," and fell asleep again. Then Lyma pushed him stronger and said, "Algis, but I want a pi-pi, and if I get up, I will attack the snake!" "So the snake is no longer under the bed," Algirdas logically concluded and tried to stretch the blanket on his head. Lyma stopped his attempt and promised to make a pi-pi on his head if he did not penetrate.

Whether you want it or not, Algirdas had to wake up. First he put on his glasses, then hanged his head from the bed and looked at the snake. She was obviously not in a hurry, and she was obviously not bothered by the fact that Lyma wanted a pi-pi. Then Algirdas said something to the serpent in Lithuanian. I don’t know where the West Virginia snake could know Lithuanian, but Algirdas was clearly understood because she went into the kitchen under the refrigerator.

Lyma breathed relieved and went to the toilet, while Algirdas continued to blow.

For some reason, the snake under the refrigerator did not like it, and when Lyma tried to get out of the toilet, she found the same snake right under her door. Calls to Algirdas did not help her this time - he slept relentlessly in the neighboring room.

Lyma several times tried to cut the snake in English, it did not help, then, remembering the successes of Algirdas, she said something not very good in Lithuanian, and as in the water looked! The snake is gone, really again under the refrigerator...

I would have listened to this whole story for a long time, but I was most curious, “Well, what did you do with the snake then? Captured and thrown out?”

“Why?” Algirdas answered me. “We stayed in this house for only three nights, and the snake lives there all the time. We asked her not to get out of the refrigerator while we were here, and we agreed with her."

“Have the serpent agreed with you?” I asked.

“Not at all,” Algirdas replied, “we had to feed her. We bought her milk and put a plate in the kitchen. But under the bed she didn’t slip, Lyma didn’t wake me up anymore, so we left home, having rested well.”

All humans are bearers of intelligence. Some are asymptomatic.

Two hours ago I was back by car from the sea – I was driving, my mother, my wife and my one-year-old son who slept all the way. At the entrance to the city, haishniki stood checking the cars, as far as I understood on the occasion of the day of the Air Force. We were stopped, I start to dig into my pockets in search of documents suits the hoistner and starts in the form:

Good afternoon, the inspector.

I hear an unhappy whisper from behind:

Keep quiet, do not scream.

The haishnik stopped, I stopped crawling in my pockets from an unexpected turn. He looks at me with amazement, and I look at him. A minute of spectators. Then he whispered to me:

Are you okay?

And also a whisper.

The happy path.



Yyy: Women with a child develop a "mamkin voice". I go on the street. There is a scream from the window, “Well, go home quickly!” I went home immediately. Then “stop. This is not my street. Not my mother. I have a lot of years.” I went home for the case. It worked on the goose.

X: Can you say anything about classmates? An extinct dialect.

YYYY :

1st I can’t raise my hand when it’s so high!!!! to

This is my favorite sister Olečka came to rest in the summer.

Three My youngest grandson Sergeenko Valkin son on September 1st

4 is Larisocha Gennadyevna, you have not changed in so many years! I kiss everyone! The Beautiful!

5 is Soviet ice cream tomato juice for 10 copies! Take a class if you remember. Let’s see how many of us!

When my son was 3 years old, he came to me in the middle of the night and woke me up and asked me to let him sleep with me because he was afraid to sleep alone. I, of course, moved and, hugging him, fell asleep. After a while, he wakes me up again and says, “Mom, maybe I’ll go to bed, or you’re so snoring that I’m more afraid of you.”

I go out of the entrance today and hear:

Hi you beautiful!

I turn with a sharply elevated mood, a smile to my ears, and I see a cute girl.

“Hello,” I say to her, anticipating a pleasant acquaintance, “thank you.

She is red:

Oh sorry for it. I realized. Without a lens. I thought it was my husband.

Here to the entrance approaches a man of my height and in the same coat as mine, kisses this girl, and they leave. And I stand and think: really beautiful.

Xxx: My friend has something in common with the hobbit. I put a ring on my finger and the ring disappeared.

Yyy: Sauron forbids him from communicating with friends

and quarantine. Looking for Positive

Forced self-isolation (at the planetary scale) is the best way, at least for a while, to end all wars.

© Dmitry Sviridov

How I fought with the military.

I will tell you my story about the military.

In the Higher Classes (2000-2001) For the first time, we were taken to the military, where we received assignments. They got everybody except me. I went through all the examinations and so on.

At the time, I did not have a registration. Absolutely no one. He lived with his parents on the office square in communion. In their passports there was some ancient, irrelevant pass, and the administration did not want to register us in the PMJ. Temporary and unnecessary.

But please note that I did not hide from the military.

So the commander ignored me. I calmly finished school, calmly entered the universe, calmly finished it and got a diploma. I calmly went to my first job. (Yes yes! It was all without registration, without assignment and without a soldier.)

In 2007, the court broke out the registration and - what would you think? He voluntarily surrendered to the army.

No, I did not intend to serve. I just wanted to humanely log in and close this page.

came there. A very surprised woman studied my papers and did not believe it.

I presented the well-preserved directions and medical certificates since the same visit to the military committee during the school years. She opened a large magazine, searched for a long time and found me.

And then she said, walk with God, you will have an agenda.

I wondered when it would happen.

She replied that she does not know, because it does not depend on them, but on how soon the police will transmit them information about newly registered persons of the age of recruitment.

Even though my passport with registration and address - here it is!

Okay well. This is the agenda.

has gone.

Over the years, he changed several jobs, and no time the lack of military registration documents became a problem. (And all these jobs were in government agencies or organizations; I have not worked in commerce until now.)

Then came the day when I was 27.

I felt an irresistible attraction to the reserve.

He came back to the same military.
It was April.

Oh my God, what has it started!! to

It started normally. I was sent to some office. The guy missing there behind the computer (probably a timetable) "broke" me and sent me to another office. He was jealous of me and envious of my luck.

In that other office there was a aunt who began to scream naturally at me: “Dezertyr! The Escapist! You will go to court!”

But the court will not go anywhere, but the medical commission only works here and now (I appeared once in the spring appeal), so my aunt drove me there. Only in words.

In the morning came again. The whole corridor was filled with callers. I just lost among them. I don’t remember how people got to the doctors: they were called or there was a turn. I only remember that I sat there for an hour without reason.

Finally, my patience broke out and I broke into the office of the chief doctor (or the chairman of the commission, I don’t know).

It seemed he was not warned. He kicked me out as soon as he found out my age. Not even listening.

I went to the military, and he himself went to the doctor and told me to accept me.

He scratched in the back of the head, shrugged his eyes and sent me to the doctors.

The inspection lasted two seconds each. The surgeon needed three: his attention was attracted by a simple varicose vein on my leg. Because of this I didn’t get to category “A” and got a “B”. Thanks for Tom.

Then on the appointed day I arrived for a military ticket.

And here the most interesting thing began.

I entered the office. There at the T-shaped table were three: in the center - a soldier, on the sides of a aunt and a man.

I was not offered to sit.

And instead of a military ticket, I was solemnly (no) handed... a decision on bringing to administrative responsibility pursuant to art. 21.5 CPA of the Russian Federation ("Non-fulfillment by citizens of duties on military registration")

Rather, I was not given it. I was presented and told to sign up for a copy.

But since I was already at that time: (a) a lawyer; (b) the same year that drafted the protocols and issued decisions in my state service, I first read it, and then demanded that a copy be issued to me, and after that I will be discharged.

They did not expect this from what was seen from the uproar. Aunt ran to copy the order to another office.

I was told that I would get a military ticket after paying the penalty.
The challenge is accepted.
When I got home, I read the ruling again and immediately printed a complaint against it to the district court.

There was something to complain about. After all, in the descriptive part it was literally the following: "I was not on the military record." However st. 21.5 The Russian Federation Code of Conduct did not provide for responsibility for - sorry - failure to register. She was punished for failing to appear on the agenda and for failing to appear within the time limit for registration. That is, for formal reasons, the decision flew into the garbage bowl.
In addition, there was no signature of the official (i.e. of the military). That’s how they were upset! Here is another formal reason.
In any case, I would point out that even if they correctly accused me of the offence, it would still be cancelled by the court.
The fact is that I did not receive the agenda from the military committee. (And I am more than sure that they didn’t even direct.) This composition immediately disappears.
For the non-appearance in the established period for registration, I was also not able to be attracted, since this very period of appearance in relation to the initial registration of students was again determined by the agenda (ch. 2 st. 9 53-FZ) which I did not receive.
There was a possibility in which I did not appear to the military committee myself within two weeks after registration at the place of residence. There was no need for this agenda. But there were nuances here too.
First, the law required me to appear after a change of place of residence, but my place of residence did not change! As I lived at that particular address before, I continued to live. I just registered, but it’s not the same.
Secondly, even if you interpret the law extensively and assume that I was obliged to appear after receipt of registration, it turns out that the limitation period for bringing to administrative responsibility has long passed! The limitation period was 2 months (h. 1 st. 4.5 CPA of the Russian Federation), which was calculated from the day of the offence. If the offence consisted in the failure to perform any duty within a certain period, the date of its commission was considered the day following the last day of this period (5th Plenum of the Russian Federation). That is, if I registered (conditionally) on 01.06.2007, then I should have arrived at the military committee no later than 15.06.2007. On June 16, 2007, I committed an offence. The limitation period has expired on 16.08.2007. And I was attracted for a moment, in 2012, that is, 5 years later.

Well, in addition to this, I will remind you that after registration, I once again appeared in the military committee. The other thing is that I couldn’t prove it.
I explained it all and immediately brought it to court.
Contrary to my expectations, the court did not cancel the decision, but returned the case for a new consideration to the military committee. So, I gave them a second chance. His right is.
At the new examination, I was already provided with a chair and began to choke like Kozlevich’s Xendze.
Knowing where I work (at the time), they went from the side of professional ethics (in their perverted view):

We see that you are serving there. You also draw up protocols, bring to administrative responsibility. Also in the system, so to speak. So you know how this system works, what its goals are. Accept that you have violated. Sign the order, pay the fine, and there will be no more questions to you! And we are fine, and you will get a military ticket quickly.
I objected that in the system in which I serve it is not common to make deliberately unlawful and unfounded decisions (and this is true), so their proposal is unacceptable.
I was fined again.
And again, I immediately rushed to the "home - computer - court" route and appealed the decision.
This time it was more funny: in the descriptive part alone stood the only word "St. Petersburg".

I am lost in the guess that it was.
Ordinance was foolish? Or maybe they really wanted to help me avoid the unjust punishment and deliberately allowed these stupid cracks?

The judge was different. There were two daughters in the military. (I have not seen them before.) Oh, how he tossed them! I was not ashamed of expressions. Like me, he couldn’t understand how he could be so dumb.
However, the order was not repealed. Returned for a new consideration.
Running forward, I will tell you that it never happened. Military is depleted.

Yes, I beat the military commissariat twice in court, but it didn’t bring me closer to getting a military ticket. Rather even removed.
The deadly offended soldier came up with a reason not to give me a test document: say, I have to undergo some psychological testing. (I do not remember the exact name.)
I found in the regulatory documents of the Ministry of Defense that it is carried out only with respect to recruits to whom I did not belong. But I decided not to argue if soon it was the only obstacle.
I appeared, and again (as at the medical commission) no one knew about me and did not want to test me. Again I disturbed the commander, and he arranged a test.
I passed him. What else needs? Where is the soldier? But my answer was silence.
I will remind you that this epic began in April, and now it was September.
Then I started writing a letter to the military. Value with investment description. In them I humbly asked when I would get a military ticket.

To be honest, I did not expect an answer. The soldier answered. And so, you can say, the psychological test passed brilliantly. Diagnosis: unwavering greed and impenetrable stupidity.
He replied: I will not give you a military ticket until you have paid the fine.

In this answer everything was perfect: and that he managed to link the unrelated (the issuance of a soldier and the payment of a fine), and that he expected to pay the fine twice cancelled by the court.
After wiping my eyes, shaking and shaking my head, I wrote to the soldier that the fine, whose non-payment caused him such pain, had been canceled. I also suggested that he refer to a law that would allow him not to issue a military ticket in case of non-payment of an administrative fine. Fuck, one does not depend on the other.
The second response of the military commissioner was more concise: you are not fulfilling the duty to pay a fine, which gives me the right not to fulfill my duty to issue you a military ticket.
God, this is a sleeping Neanderthal, not a man!
When I realized that the dialogue was hopeless, I gathered all the documents and filed two almost identical complaints: to the district prosecutor’s office and to the chief military commissioner of the city. I was sure that now the soldier will get a noble pro3,14zdon.

Simultaneously, I began to describe my story on the forum of the Military College of Lawyers on the advice of narrow specialists. But all the advice was only one: come to us for a consultation. I understand them: it is their bread, and no one owes me anything for free. But as if they had little of that, they (lawyers) stated without appeal that I was subject to criminal liability for evasion and that only they could save me. This is not good, it is disorderly. This is intimidation with the aim of forcing a person to attribute to them his dungeons.
Time passed and the prosecutor was silent. GVC as well.

Then I came to her, and what did I find out? Do you guess?

I learned that the district prosecutor's office - the drum - redirected my complaint to the district military committee.

The pipet. Good double army with one twist, and the one from the furry. The Prosecutor’s Office! The Lord’s Eye! All with the highest legal! How could they not know that the 59-FZ prohibits redirecting a complaint to someone they complain about?! Or did they know, but decided not to argue with the military?

Cuddling with indignation, I wrote a disastrous complaint to the district prosecutor’s office in the city. He threw everyone there, including polite fears about the existence of corruption component in the actions of employees of the district prosecutor’s office. Once again at the time, whether Putin or Medvedev approved some plan of anti-corruption there – and he referred to it.

The District Prosecutor’s Office ordered the district to investigate.
From the second attempt, the district prosecutor's office submitted a presentation to the military committee. What it really was I never knew. The mocked prosecutor, to whom I stumbled with the desire to kill, mocked that he had no copy, not even a copy. Oh of course.
I left the prosecutor’s office with a lot of frustration. It was a cold November.
Suddenly I got a letter.

Military Chief of the City.
It began with the words "Dear Such Takayotovich!“”

Further it was said: "To obtain a military ticket you can appear in any (!) It is convenient (!) for you! Time in the military...”

And at the very end: "The head of the military commissariat is brought to disciplinary responsibility."

I felt the balm slowly spread through my soul.

At a convenient time for me, I came to the military. This time they were waiting for me. Oh yes!

A wicked aunt with an eradicated face (by the way, she was among those who fined me) silently gave me a military ticket.
I have won.

P.S Oh yeah yes. At the forum of the Military College of Lawyers, I told my story to the victorious end. During the course, he answered various questions of the poor and gave advice. Apparently, it didn't really like the butterflies (yet, the feed base is deprived!So they made fun of me, and the topic was either removed or closed. (I do not remember anymore.)

The road wakes. The fulfillment of the statement:
- Replace, please, the "sick cyclist" with the "second participant in an accident".