From the day of moving to a new apartment, there was an autonomous fire alarm sensor.

He hung himself calmly for 10 years, not touching anyone.

But suddenly I became curious about what this thing is like, how it works and in general, whether it works.

He removed from the wall, opened the battery compartment, and there was a crown in the film.

That is, the sensor people hanged, and did not turn on.

Okay, I got the film, I turned it on, I forgot.

Five months have passed.

I decided to cook myself a couple of juicy chewbacks.

I have not done anything for a long time.

I cooked, put on, decided to pour another hot bowl and here...

A wild whisper at the ultrasound level, neighbors began to knock on the battery, some even fled apartments.

As you may have guessed, the sensor worked.

A long time later I justified myself before the neighbors that the alarm was not false, but educational.

But no one ever believed me.

Because normal people don’t bake chewbacks at 3 o’clock at night!

My mom and I lived in the same apartment with my grandmother. I don't know why, but my grandmother didn't love my mother, and therefore me. I was born in the 90s, the story happened when I was 8 years old. Mom then was very sick, did not work, and therefore there was almost no money, not to say about grandmother (she had a very good pension and work was then). She carried separate meals with us, wrapped the foods in a pack and watched that no one would touch (in the flesh before measuring the line of distance). And here, in one of the beautiful moments, when she once again praised my three-born brother, who was successful in everything, smart and generally "not a child, but gold", I replied: so he has grandmother Nastia, and I have you (the names changed). She did not talk to me after a year. I still remember the moment when we had no food for 2 days (we delayed the salary), ate bread and water, and she, seeing this, with me eating a sandwich with ivory.



And now she’s offended by me and asks: why don’t I call her, why don’t I always congratulate her on holidays?

A potential customer calls and asks to meet for lunch at one of the entertainment complexes on the foot court. Okay, I went, I think at the same time and I will eat afterwards.



We meet him:

Client: Oh Sirog, did I not know this, Victor, did you and I study in the same group in the universe?

I: Hi, but I don't remember you (we studied off-site and after the release of more than half of the group since then I have not seen, and honestly I don't remember them many years have passed).

Well, and they ran after the Marine.

I: Let’s go to work.

Customer: Well okay, I need to make electricity and sanitary in the cottage, just make a discount of 100,000, the contract will only be concluded for 120,000 along with materials and I need a year-on-year payment for installation and materials, there is no money now and the house is needed now.

I: I will not give a discount of 100,000, otherwise it will not be profitable to deal with, the contract will be for the full amount, the only thing I can offer is a 3 month deferral.

Customer: You're a fool, I said that for a year and a contract for 120,000 or you don't need the money?

I: I voiced my proposal and I am not going to change it, I do not want to work for myself and I do not want to be a bad guy.

Customer: So I will not cooperate with you, but I was so normal in the universe, for my own needs to be different.



After that I got up and left, and I calmly breathed and mentally thanked that I did not contact him or it is unknown how our cooperation would end.

He fell into the dungeon. GAZelka, who was driving in front of the left, suddenly remembered that she needed a duplicator and brake rebuilt into my row. I was driving for relaxation and missed this manoeuvre. The wet meat on the road supplemented the etud. In the end, I very colorfully scratched the entire left side of the fighter. The idiot himself.

He called the GIBDD, put on a vest, put out a sign and sat down to read Picaba. After a couple of hours of standing in front of me, the audio brakes, and a guy comes out to me. And then I remembered: a couple of months ago I was driving on the same road and in the same place saw a car standing with a broken left side. The sign was not yet displayed, the emergency signal was not turned on... I immediately decided to slow down, to find out if everything is okay. The driver and passenger were alive. From the driver's story, I learned that they were cut by another car and leaving the collision of the fireplace struck by the side in the detector. Just like I am now. I found out if they needed help and got a negative answer and went on.

And now there was also the most Audi in front of me. The driver is the same guy. Only he did not immediately realize that I was the same driver who stopped last time to help him.

I was even more surprised when the guy said he came specifically, brought coffee, gave me a cigarette. When he saw my car, he remembered how he was standing there and decided to support me.

If you are reading these lines, thank you again! I waited for the patrol for two hours. Your coffee was great!

I wish everyone to meet more and more responsive people on my way!

The easiest way to correct the brains of those who don’t have them.

A little bit depends on the tank. All customers become spectators. Two on stage. Fighting grandmother... no... the language doesn’t turn to call her so. The adult mom. Good posture, a confident voice, a confident look. Judging by the aura – youth was strong, even before the 90s, in which she just laughed in the face of the era. Her grandson with her. Clearly raised in Japanese traditions - the words "no or not" - are prohibited. But flirting is not synonymous with “lack of demands.”

Boy of 8 years. A little smiling on the hero of O’Henry’s “Leader of the Red Roses.”

The box hangs. Everyone is waiting. Grandma has an easy dialogue trolling with her grandson. To be clear, the association:
Grandma is a brilliant railroad.
The grandson is a flexible, yellow thread.

Go to the toilet.
Maybe not need?
Maybe not need. But I will not stop.
I am in the window!
The meeting wind.
I’ll open the window in the trunk (per my grandmother’s jeep).
and well. You wet the jeans – you wash and wash the car yourself.
( the pause )
Laadly...
The boy goes away... returns.
Washing your hands?
and yes!
Why to lie?
How about grandmother?? to
The mansets are dry.
(The guy with his lips admirably experiences whether “your mother” or “bl..t”... goes and comes)
Can I feed the pigeons?
– Go to.
(The man leaves, returns with an angry face)
There are two people smoking at the entrance.
- Go out and tell them that they are smoking frozen strawberries at the tank. Let them shut up.
(He runs away with a happy, harmful face... returns quickly... behind him two... such... strong... confident... strong... demonstratively holding cigarettes in his hands... I would, if I met them - crossed the other side of the street. The look is lazy questionable “...and...what for...on.” Further on the script. My grandmother sees them. The audience is divided in half. One gets phones and pop-corns. The second is looking for a pharmacy. The guard is focusing on something outside the window. The fly under the ceiling enthusiastically rubs the legs.
If you are looking for who sent the boy, it is to me. If you start to argue with Matt, I’ll break your whisper with a bag.
You hear, Mommy...
(It is interrupted, as in school, when the teacher "imposes" iron intonations on the stupid comments of the student-huligan).
Didn’t you squeeze, brother? What am I to you, mommy, you are a half-dummy amorphous. If you think that your cellulite will press me, you will be wild. Do not open your mouth anymore. You have already told yourself. Do not pull your share to the bottom, or you will respond.
(The boy, not paying attention to what is happening, unwaveringly chooses the coke... the grandmother for a second to him, without changing the pressure)
Take light, there is less sugar.
(Return to the monologue)
Both smoked cigarettes and threw them out. Idiots and fools, forgive me.
(as in Gogol - a silent scene, even the flies quieted... one of the guys suddenly grabs the phone, and with a business look comes out... the second behind him...)
What if I smoke too?
If you are going to pull up twenty-five times, and you have nothing to do, and there is no place to spend money - smoke. Remove the chair.
Why Why?
Nicotine from the poop will shrink.
– Grandma, you’re old – and as you wrote before, there were no iPads and phones!! to
On the bridge, bl.
(His patience is over)

The boy smiles happily.

The cashier said: “The cashier has earned.”

The public applauds.

For voting on retirement age, Russians did not have special knowledge.
And for voting on amendments to the Constitution, for example, on the balance between the federal and municipal authorities, Russians have special knowledge.

A colleague said:

In the distant 80s, a citizen decided to "break" a rural store, he did this carefully prepared, went to work sober and without a partner, cut off the alarm ring (naturally, there were no extra-departmental guards at the time, especially not in the village), the guard peacefully "waited" at home, as he lived in the neighborhood.In general, he went to the room, first picked up clothes for his wife and children (which were seven on the shelves), then the products of various canned foods, cakes, candy, etc., and also about himself without forgetting-throwing a couple of boxes of alcohol.

In the morning the village woke up from the heart-breaking scream of the grandmother-guard, came the opera group with the district, questioned everyone who could, scratched all along and across, but no witnesses, not traces.It would seem like an ideal crime, burned it ridiculously a week later on the fact that the boys dragged on the street condensed and chocolate candy (although previously sometimes and sugar for weeks did not see), why could they just not not interest the local district and on the question "Where?“Friendly answered, ‘Yes, we have such good things in the couch at home!’

There is such a technique (and is quite well practiced in the overseas countries), the transplant of intestinal microflora. Patients whose whistle in the intestines and pathogenic flora kills normal and even begins to penetrate the bloodstream, causing sepsis, blood contamination.

Now the story itself

As if in our resuscitation, one patient was bending from sepsis and all other nonsense. It would seem that he went to repair, but he was caught by a terrible stroke, with clostridial infection, carousel on the second round of sepsis, stroke does not stop, food is not absorbed, darkness

The patient really dies, lives dumb on adrenaline and IVL

The relatives walk in total sadness, do all possible and impossible all things.

And we just came to the conference, we heard about microflora transplantation.

We know how to do it, theoretically, but strenuously.

We found the most responsible nurse, took her transplant, checked for adequacy and let us transplant.

Carro, he eventually recovered. The relatives kissed our hands, asked, Boh type probably helped us, you said that the chances are zero.

We cried and agreed.

We will not say that the shit healed him.)

My husband and I remembered how the anti-infantery mine was neutralized: in the evening, the daughter was laid to sleep, I sit behind the comp, the husband is watching a movie. Suddenly he said to me with a panic whisper: I came on a rubber toy with a piss.

I crash from the compass, fall to the floor, squeeze this toy, my husband slowly raises his leg. Without the right to mistake, I hold the toy, I turn it, and it is without a pipe. All the fuck, the end.

After the dentist had to visit the store of household appliances. The tooth to the treatment got difficult, ultracaine took on conscience, the jaw to the right did not feel from the word at all.

I walk with my husband on the rows of washing machines, I am interested in washing and chewing on the models I liked. The tongue is not listening - I try to gesture, from the overwhelmed and numb corner of the mouth, saliva bubbles traitorily. I don’t feel that, I’m all passionate about doing business. My husband carefully wipes my lips.

I hear behind the back the dialogue of the girls - consultants:

Have you seen? Even marry such people!

Stop the diet!

I would rather meet my brothers with reason. To make sure that we are not the only idiots in the universe.

Good day. In connection with often emerging recent news related to demographics, benefits and large children decided to share his experience.
In 2006, when I was 21 years old, I suddenly learned that I would be a happy father. Given the support of his inner optimism, youthful maximalism and... And probably that's all, I told my future wife that as soon as she married me for her husband about the job she would need to forget, alphasamenc eprs))) I want to add that of all the movable and real estate we had for two at the time there were only scissors and a couple of phones.
Well, where less than a year later we became the owners of a miracle named Alina) After listening to 9 months of speech about how we "everything should be wonderful" And based on the information that 2007 is the year of a child and all the state will do for me, I was prompted to try to cut off the state a piece of land where I could build my nest.
At that time, my wife and I were in the district. Going through the instances and having received a “mass of pleasure”, I received an unofficial answer on the sidelines of these instances – that there is no land. I looked at the map. The scale of both the region and the country. This is related to the information received. I realized that geography is not mine, just as a piece of land is not mine. You can see here that at that time my native village was actively established by cottages.
As soon as a miracle named Alina learned to smile and speak daddy-mama and a little tired of support, and even more tired of the instructions of my parents we decided to move to a rental one-bedroom apartment in the capital of our homeland, which was also within walking distance from my work, which I was unspeakably happy. We were so delighted that we soon learned that we would be the happy owners of the second miracle.
Looking at the small area of the apartment and the consequences of the global crisis, we agreed to settle to live in a one-bedroom apartment in Tver, in order to raise money for housing. Driving to work was hard, of course, but the faith in a bright future shakes.
A miracle named Sonja was born in the year of our family! All the media talked about family support. Having received, again, a “mass of pleasure” from communicating all with the same servants of the people, we received maternal capital, which at first could not be used even for loans and applied for family capital.)
Well, since I am so uneducated, I have nothing to shame the country with my presence. Having understood this - we left, not far, the accumulated money was enough to buy a house not far from Minsk. There, too, began to actively rejoice and soon returned for a short time, so that a miracle named Varvara would be born.My wife liked the provincial nursery in Tverska, according to her - the architecture is very beautiful)
My last conversation with officials took place when I accidentally learned that many children in Russia can visit museums for free. You have to be educated! Gathered with the spirit, I made an attempt to obtain a multi-child family certificate. I couldn't, I just didn't have enough patience to carry papers from one department to another, listening - "even if chocolate was brought," although I turned to "one window." My children will go to the Russian museums for free.
Why did I write all this. So that people who decide to have a child rely only on themselves. Per I will be able to teach someone not to hope for the state, as our officials have taught me, which I am very pleased with.
Well, having rejoiced in this insight, and children and joy are synonyms, we have a fourth miracle - Jan. From Alina to Yana, from “A” to “I”, I closed my alphabet, as I closed my story. All the good)

If you are happy in the country, you are a member of the State Duma.

My mother has been living with a man, like a civil marriage, for 8 years. Once she just brought him to us and said that M. would live with us. M. turned out to be a cool man, treats us as daughters, and loves mom. My mother recently told me how lucky she was. I remembered something.



When I was 16 and my sister was 10, my mother brought us to a one-bedroom apartment to live in Tajikistan. What a gastroenterologist. Just took and brought. He is in love and has nowhere to live. I was upset, but nobody listened to me. Tajik lived with us for six months, roasted us a delicious egg in the morning before school, and turned out to be a very good person. Six months later he moved to Tajikistan, some problems arose. He left, but promised to come back. Mother did not wait for him, met his new love, the present father.



We still lived with a month young boy, 5 years younger than his mother. I was about 14 years old then. The guy bought us chips, soda, and ice cream, and we played fools with him in the evenings.



When I was 11 or 12, my mom brought home a rabbit to live. The former rabbit. He stayed with us at home while my mother was in the factory. He bought us joysticks, pulled games on the disk, and showed us how to play a playstation with a DVD player. He also prepared dinner, fed me lunch and helped me with the lessons. The world man turned out to be a former zeck, and lived with us for about a month. Then disappeared somewhere.



A few weeks ago, my mom told me how lucky she was with her father. And I thought how lucky we all were that all of my mom’s relationship was safe for me and my sister.

A reasonable government, instead of the law "On Respect for the Representatives of the Government", would adopt the law "On Responsibility of the Representatives of the Government for Acts Causing Disrespect to Citizens".

Yesterday I fell asleep in the bus, it seemed like I had travelled through my stop, as if for some reason: "Help!“I go to the front door. I understand that I was wrong, and I have to go again and go... I manage to jump into the back door and sit in my own place. It was silent in the bus, even the driver turned off the music.

When I said that E is equal to MS in a square, the physics teacher fell slightly into a bowl of laughter.

I am 42 years old, my friend Ruslan 50. 20 years old, post about him.

The case was 7 years ago. Ruslan was lonely and independent, no one needed a man. And all friends, including the author of the post, considered it their duty to arrange his private life) They invited guests, where, by chance, there was a girl who, by coincidence... was also free).

Actually the story itself.

Ruslan came to visit to his partner, it was Christmas. He was called for the first time and got a new job. There was a lady in the company, to whom Ruslan was invited. I also visited my wife, so I speak as an eyewitness.

The owner of the house declared confidently: "Rusia, go, be at home, today is a fateful evening for you."

In the guests was the sister of the owner of the house, Margaret. Lady 35 years old, two marriages and son of parents)

All night Ruslan tried to get close acquaintance with Margo) Toasts with a hint, every slow dance was white, guess who Margo invited)))

Ruslan was tired of this obsessive conspiracy, he became psychotic and left. The daughter of the owner of the house, nineteen-year-old Christina ran out of the trail, the shell forgot our failed bridegroom.

Escaped... and did not return home again. Back to Ruslan’s wife.

What was there. Scandals, curse and threats to kill the “young” husband.

Woman 19 and husband 43.

Everything was. And I write all this, I saw Ruslan today at 5 a.m. near the school. Standing in a row, I enrolled my daughter in the 1st class, he was a son. I ask how is it?

- Great, in 7 years we meet here, we are waiting for a daughter, Christina for 8 months!

and glowing of happiness)

I greeted him from the heart, and I think Christina’s father was right, saying seven years ago on Christmas to his guest that it would be a fateful evening.

I was recently at a birthday party with a friend.



In the midst of the fun, a common decision was made to play something. The owner of the house offered to play a game of the category "18+" and got the cards with all kinds of obscene questions about sex.



“The advantage of this game,” he explained, “is that you learn a lot of strange and unexpected things about others.



Someone asked him to give an example.

“Well, for instance,” replied the owner, “the last time I played it, it was a great shock for me to find that more than half of those who gathered saw nothing awful about masturbating in the presence of sleeping people.



I have long thought about it. But I never understood – why wake up people because of such nonsense?