Have you seen my diamond ropes?
You had no time!
This is exactly!

I sit at home, suddenly the electricity is gone and turns on again. At the door and talking. I open, I see a woman standing, with such a business look, and a man of 50.

Hi, who are you and where are you from?

The woman, the chairman said.

Why are you in the shield, you are an electrician?

I am an electrician.

Yes is? Great I say. How many phases in the HRT, for example?

Silence in response.

The man says three!

I worked in a security firm for a while. I come to work in the morning, and a newly changed manager tells me:



There was an alarm button in a store. Well, I sent the GBR, and I call there myself, suddenly a false call. The cable is not taken. And to me in a few minutes, the guards call back: "Put the challenge as false, and yes, we will write a complaint on our firm." I ask, “Why?” A lady with a dog was walking along the shop. And the dog at some point began to target the corner of the store. The administrator pressed the alarm button and after our arrival convinced us that we should take action. She was culturally sent, offended.”

In the village where I spent my childhood, there was an interesting economic situation. In the center worked a spiral factory. Well, the burdu (residues from the distillation of alcohol) was delivered to the peasants. They fed pigs.

In short, everyone was pleased.

Especially the pigs.

Example as in the world today. The ergonomics are the same - you pour the pigs burdock, and they are satisfied. Buzawa, World Cup 2018, Major 3.

The pigs were usually slaughtered during the holidays.

The previous archaeological layer was used to store the burda. More precisely, the stone basements of previously demolished houses.

At one point in my childhood I fell down. When I played.

Burda was approximately on the belt.

Well, I logically thought they’d be feeding pigs tonight. In the hole will be put a hole. And then I scream:

I am here!

The evening came and no one came. I went, tried to sit - and no fig - in the sitting position of the burd above the nostrils.

And you know why nobody came to the pit to pick up a pig burdock? And not only in the evening. And all night! People were not pigs. They were looking for me!

Are you lucky?

What another! One day after the search, I found drugs that gave me mint.

They did not find!

Belief in a bright future is the belief that we will be taken back from yesterday.

“Once in a Soviet film, Bergman saw a Russian oven where an old lady slept. It made such an impression on him that he built the same in his home on the island of Faroe. Bergman lay on it with a glass of red wine, stared at the sea and meditated.

Did you have any hidden fantasies?
I would like to glue your mouth with Scotch.
M, continue to...
That is all.

It was five years ago. The place of action is a deep provincial city, with a population of 15k people.

A former classmate turned into porn. Photographed by Peter's team. According to the plot, they meet her on the street, continue to get acquainted in the cafe and almost immediately offer sex for money. She agrees and the two guys have her pretty good.

We watched this video (not all, by the way) three. I and two Koreans. One of them is her ex-boyfriend.

After watching, the ex-boyfriend, who was silent before, said, looking sadly at the floor:

I didn’t give it to my ass...

The second, pulling beer:

Well, at least one of our people got out.

A strange 21st century. The eye did not have time to blink - almost 20 years as from a bush.

The bathroom has been broken for a few days. I finally went to see what was there. Not repaired, not repaired. Which woman bursted something in style a couple of times:
Dad can’t...
After a couple of minutes, the daughter (4 years old) comes with a toy - a music phone and says:
Daddy and Daddy! My phone is broken, do it!
I pressed the button, everything worked, nothing broke.
My daughter whispered:
“No, Dad, you didn’t understand. Let’s, as if it broke up like this: the song plays my favorite about the Pony, but not to the end...
and escapes. Mom is so upset (artistically) telling about the breakdown, and that there is hope that Dad will get rid of it.
Then he rushes to me, takes the phone, turns on a favorite song and runs back to his mom:
- Look, Mom, look: Dad fixed it, now it works until the end! This is an engineer! This is a good guy, right?! to

I propose a tax on non-smokers. Judge for yourself: from smokers - a huge amount of money in the budget from the sale of tobacco products. In addition, smokers who die earlier than non-smokers will save money from the country’s Pension Fund. Non-smokers are the only losers.
Please consider my proposal!

My daughter went to my grandmother in the summer. She is 5 years. He helps in the farm.In the evening he meets his sheep, the shepherd of which is chased by the shepherd to the beginning of the street, and then who is where they run.Since sheep are stupid creatures by nature, they are met with pieces of bread, or they can run past the house."Your" sheep are recognized by the attached bright clothes of a certain color. They have pieces of bread, others are driven away (bread is not enough to feed everybody))) The daughter likes to meet sheep. Every evening she gets her bread and runs to her sheep, gives them pieces of bread, and they run after her to the yard. But someday, Aries Borke, something didn't like in the behavior of the girl, and he began to push the daughter in the back. It pushes her to fall, waiting for her to jump up and run away. He pushes, he pushes again. A grandmother runs to save her granddaughter. granddaughter to her. A few steps before the grandmother moves on to the strut step, smashing the hand of the sludge and tears, gives out:

Grandma, where is Grandpa? Let’s cut it off to the fucking mother!! to



Grandma is a teacher of Russian language and literature. To say that she lost her jaw is not to say anything.)))

When I was 15, I wanted to go to the sea to rest, but there was no money to travel. I decided to earn them. I bought a newspaper with ads and started looking for a low-skilled job. I found a suitable ad. I called. I was invited by the manager of one of the shops. I needed a truck.



I was small, but not stupid. The head of the warehouse assured me that the first week to work for free, but then will be paid money. Oh a miracle! I’m going to be charged, and I’ll be paid for it! It is incredible! He will only give money at the end of the month, just like the rest of the workers. He sent this “non-companion.”



I go home sad. Walked on foot (approximately 14 blocks to the house). By the edge of the ear he heard a man standing on the street and loudly spoke to the phone: "Have you gone to hell! I will find another assistant. Go on! “” I don't know what bothered me, but I approached that same man and actually asked for helpers myself.



He agreed that he would pay every day. I started working the next day. Started very early in the morning. I woke up at five in the morning, drank tea, made sandwiches and left the house before my parents woke up. The work was simple, but very difficult: it was necessary to pull the solution, to pull the sand, to pull the cement, to pull the bricks, to pull the boards... It was necessary to pull a lot of things.



Started the concrete mixer at half-seven. From three o’clock we had a break. The master went somewhere, and I rested right on the building. By the end of the first week, I learned to sleep on broken boards. By the way, daytime sleep recovered well. Even going through hell was impossible. Then they continued to work until six and separated. Every day I had 250 rubles in my pocket. Sometimes I earned 300 (if you were delayed). In a year and a half, I went to the sea. It was the hardest money in my life. Even before the sea I got a smooth chocolate thistle. The palms represented a layer of muscles. I never thought that another mosquito could form under the mosquito.



It was then that I learned to value every ruble. I was very sorry to spend the money earned afterwards and mossels. That summer, I realized that I didn’t want to work this way all my life and I needed to go to the universe. No matter where. Work with your head, not your hands.



Since September, I’ve been trying to study like I’ve never studied before. That was when I got a real incentive to learn.

When I was a child, I had hamsters. fruited above measure, for which they were occasionally hunted, and planted in different aquariums: females in one, males - in another, respectively. This gave me food for reflection: the females began to fight, and in the end, the two simply bite. The males, after a couple of days of celibacy, began to actively curl each other in the bats. As a result, a few of the smallest and weakest died: the intestines rose from the buttocks. Yes, the females eventually started with lesbians.



In the summer, I took them to the house. There I allowed some especially obedient people to walk: I let them go, in the expectation that they would return. They returned. One (I called him Bublik) was a truly deserved veteran: he was constantly in history, but managed to survive. He did not have the left eye (he fell into the mouse), and both ears were broken into the slats (it was already rattled on the moths of the dacha). On his back he had a couple of seals, which seemed to be scars (it was he who met the courtyard cat).



As a child, I had to eat caffeine pills (low blood pressure was), so these wheels I always had a breakdown (in the class I was like a dealer). When I got home, I saw a package of pills. There was no pill. The bubble reached the package - and dragged it to himself in the cage. In short, that evening he was stunned more than ever: all night he was jumping in the wheel, scratching his legs, like a natural racing horse. From time to time, he fell out of the wheel, drank from the drink for a long time, after which he fell on his side, and shaken in convulsions for a couple of minutes. Then he jumped, and again on the wheel. By the morning he calmed down and I thought he would sink – no! He fell asleep and began to crawl through the cage. After a couple of minutes, I pulled out the slice: a piece of the pill, under-eaten the day before - and tasted it deliciously. Since then he has become a caffeine addict. Because of this, he became the real alpha male of the entire hamster herd, having bite everything that moved within reach and what could not. in rare moments when I didn't throw him another pill - he was wildly irritable, and against this background - he tempted the cat heavily (he had to take to the veterinarian, sew his foot and cheek). The cat then nodded from him at the corner.



He died not so epic, but extremely bloody: he came out of the cage for an evening promenade, and I, not noticing this bastard, entering the room, closed the door. His back was under the door (in the gap between the door and the floor). When I went out, the door clogged, so I pushed it harder. At the bottom, something crumbled, and the hamster fucker was blotted with a half-circle at the entrance to the room.



Blessed the whole apartment.

I was 15 years old, I went to my girlfriend for her birthday, but something went wrong with my girlfriend, the fever rose, the girl got sick. Well, I sat for half an hour for decency and went home. I go in and I hear this - ah, ah, oh, oh. Okay, I quietly closed the door, went to the kitchen, made tea, sat in the corner, drink. Here I hear running, laughing in the hallway, flying up into the kitchen, red like crabs, sweating, breathing like horses after races, well, though not naked - mom in a coat, father in families. And here I... They stopped, the eyes opened, the hair stood inviting.

What are you doing here?

I drink tea.

- Oh, and we slept, slept, got up, decided to drink a cup.

We pour ourselves, we sit in silence, we drink, my mother tries to bring the breath in order, my father looks at the ceiling.

I sat down for a moment, went, I say, to sleep. As I walked out into the hallway, I heard a breath of relief.

One day after lunch, my grandmother looked at me for a long time and finally said:

You are not so terrible.



Thank you grandmother, life has become much more fun.

Pessimists immediately marry full women, so as not to be disappointed.

The New Year's Adventures of the Cat.

For some reason it is believed that the most suitable name for a cat is Vaska. I do not know. Among the cats I know only one. And that not entirely. Not exactly a cat. But formally yes. And so – no.

There was a New Year's event with Vasks in one office. Whether gas drivers, or oil producers, or maybe even gold miners. Two young men from the office were returning from a six-month long journey. Before the New Year. It looks like the movie geologists, if you look above the collar. Beards, mouths airy with northern thinning. You know the north, right? Unlike the South, only oil is washed if rubbed with sand.

The costumes were dotted with cravates. And it must be said that working in the fresh air exclusively contributes to the development of the muscle frame. Dresses with T-shirts on the shoulders. Why in the figures is indiscriminacy and fear. So that the clothes do not break up in joy. In the airplane, a liter of CO was eaten to the bottom - that an elephant was crushed. But there is smell. and cognac.

They came back before the new year. Right in Domodedovo, in the old yet, and maybe Sheremetyevo is also not new. The drivers had to meet them. Slots anyway. But they forgot to call in a hurry, or if there was anything else in the dispatch. did not meet. We hired a taxi. One sat in front, the other, clearly from behind. There was a passenger in the car. A boy in the corner.

- Son what, - the driver asks, who is in front of the castle, - took a ride with him?

No, the driver is not my son. The boy was at the airport. Third day in turn. They tried to surrender to the militia, one time escaped, the second little that escaped and bitten everyone there and scratched. He says nothing about himself, fleeing, looking out of the shelter. His name is Vasco.

Both of the passengers, Vaskoy. As a cat.

“You are the shit cats,” the boy reacted, “and I am Vasily.

These beards are even stronger.

- Don't be offended, boy, go with us, we will introduce you to this Cat. We are now in the office for a party, we have a tree there, the artists with Cobson, the Cat is there too. You will like each other. What if the boss takes you back to the airport?

and took. Meet the cat. The cat is not a real cat. And the entire director. And what they call him like the Cat Vasco is just friends. This is Vasily Ivanovich Cat. Vaska Cat liked, he took the boy home, to meet the new year. Cat one, Vaska one, two more fun to celebrate the new year. Almost thirty years ago.

Now one of the worries is not what it would be in retirement, what a pension at sixty-five - a man in full blossom of strength, a hundred-fifty lying bump. But on a trip, a cat moves in his place. Vasily Vasilyevich Cat, son of the Cat. A graduate of some prestigious institute, whether in oil, gas, or diamonds in general. No, I know exactly which one. I know the real name, but I don’t know. Everything happens on Christmas and New Year, if you believe it. If you don’t believe it, even more. But less often.

An intelligent man runs for beer through the ranks of the workers.
Where are you going, glasses? The workers shouted to him. Do you see the working class standing in line?
What a working class you are in 70 years of no revolution!