Yesterday, a neighbor of 80 years came to my future. He says:

I thought, let you write your house over to my grandchildren, and you will move to me to take care of me, and before I die I will give you my house.

Great business plan, I agree.

A generous wolf is not sorry for the grass for the lamb, but a greedy lamb is sorry for the meat for the wolf.

I cannot share. In short, my daughter met a guy on the Internet. A week in mail. Studying in the militia. Two weeks of communication. have never seen. Today my eternally hungry student complained to him that food was just pasta. Half nine in the night. He sits and prepares for exams.

Suddenly this guy calls her (never seen!) and says:
Go out! Pepper brought you.

I ask her, raw or cooked. He says cooked. He said he would not leave until he fed her.

What happened, I don’t know yet, the phone is silent. Now, probably, he sits down and decides what to do: go for pellet or pasta to eat. She said no one had come to her date before. with the pellets.

Trump said Crimea is Russian because everyone speaks Russian. He has never been to Brighton.

In a police state, the best lives are the police and those they protect. They are not people.

The story of yesterday:
https://www.anekdot.ru/id/953610/

Sorry, I am not trained in high standards. I will tell you how I think: the bridegroom there broke his ass to please the bride. She drank him to the last. I divorced him later. But first they both moved to London and now live there singing. and together.
What a romance. And I will say so for myself - a simple tractorist, kept his bride in its entirety until the marriage. Although I wanted. Six months on the gold ring. It’s no worse than London. But there were no surprises. As accumulated - bought, handed over, Since then 43 years already happy in marriage. Seven children were raised. I want to die with her one day. Because I have nothing to do here without her. I believe that when this day comes, we will have time, as always, to light candles and feed the cats of the homeless. Shame on them. Just like all of these London fifts. They sought, smashed, destroyed and forged marriages, arranged surprises, left the Motherland. Why Why? Mishura is all. My life is real. I lived happily with my only wife. Without any surprises.

2016 is the year of falling oil prices. Call of the King of Saudi Arabia to the President of Russia:
“We want Russia to join OPEC’s restrictions on oil production.
We want to win at least one match at the 2018 World Cup.
We have agreed.

I have a friend named Sanya. And how I suggested him to ride in cycling with me, because it is very fun to cut circles around the night of St. Petersburg! Buying a big for 30k to Sane seemed illogical, and he decided that it was better to invest that money in another more useful business! One evening he came to me and that he bought a fitness club subscription for 30k and now he will go there as much as he wants, because the most expensive took, indefinite! Well, I say, it’s a pity that it’s not great, of course! But at the same time, the theme is useful, sport and all that! The next day, Sanya purchased a special T-shirt and shorts specifically for classes in the hall (2000+3000p) and also a special bottle to drink water (700p), because the usual bottle for 13p is not very original! I also bought a small iPod and headphones for the hall too! As a result, in such full equipment, our future cat went to pull the iron. Arriving in the hall and taking a lying position on the bench for the gem laying, Sanya made a selfie in the mirror ceiling of that swing and... never again there appeared!

If you ask when was the last time you went to the hall, you can hear “Oh, no strength, do...”

I continued to ride a bicycle alone.

There is nothing divine in Nirvana, it’s just a way to do it all.

Sodium citrate is a popular drug among anesthesiologists.
We often give it to patients: it is the only of the anti-acid antacids completely liquid, without solid alkaline impurities, acts instantly and reliably, neutralizing stomach acid.
One problem is the taste.
Let’s say for the amateur.
And such lovers are rarely met, I dare to assure you.
Here is history.
Bread by pre-operative, from one of the boxes is:
“I’m not going to drink this, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t and all!
I will not!
Don’t persuade me – NO, you understand, not and all!”
The nurse is calling for help, doctor, talk, maybe you can convince her!
I must try...
I go, an old acquaintance, sodium citrate, a stack of one ounce of this disgusting drink and a patient, heavily pregnant, prepares for a cesarean, bounces and leaves in rejection.
And we must say that it is for such patients that sodium citrate is simply necessary, pregnancy greatly increases acidity, and the stomach is squeezed so that the acid is much easier to go up and pour out the lungs - and this is very dangerous, extremely, you can say, deadly.
And then she arthritis, hysterical: "aaah, ugliness, it's impossible to drink, I tried a little, chew and shit."
Well, of course, you can’t try it, you have to turn it up like a stack.
My young colleague neglected to give clear instructions and explanations of the utmost importance of this medicine.
I was distracted — later I called back the newbie and insisted her that the statutes are written with blood, that it is necessary to conduct instruction and explain the details, rather than the patient will revolt over the nonsense.
So, it is necessary to honestly say about the taste, to tell about the need, and the main thing is to explain the concept of overturning the stool and its rapid emptying, with one large throat.
But all this later. And now you need to the result - the medicine in the stomach of the patient.
It is useless to persuade, let’s try differently.
When you were in college, did you drink tequila?
- Yes, but the tequila tastes better, not to compare with this ugliness!
I don’t argue, it tastes better. How do you drink tequila?
by stakes. Eat salt and green lemon.
Are you familiar with the rapid emptying technique?
- Doctor, I know, but it is simply impossible to drink!
Everything is possible. Let me show you.
Sister, please bring me the same piece.
and silence. My sister is upset at me, not caring.
Sister, did you not understand? Please bring me the same medicine, preferably by the end of this century.
I woke up and brought.
Yes, girl, I’ll drink first, and you’ll follow.
Take your hand and do as I do.
I understood?
Kitty, I understand it.
I breathe, I open my mouth, I exhale and I throw the citrate into my throat, with one large throat — all as the loaders of the Riga-Towardy taught the green student a whole eternity ago.
The ugliness is still, but it is possible to live, my face can play poker, not disturbing - as if I drank a tequila with a high stroke...
The patient, like enchanted, repeats my actions, without saying a word, in some trance swallows the medicine, slightly rattles and smiles...
And really not scary.
I’m talking about you, good guys. And now you went to get the child, do not be afraid, the most difficult thing you have behind you...
Carried to the operational, crumbling cavalry walk, I go after the catallica, all along the way, regularly.
Behind my back I hear the nurses whisper, and something tells me: I will still hear this story, with distortions and exaggerations, as is believed by medical myths and myths.

Amazing Russian language: the expressions "needed" and "needed" mean the same thing!

A friend of mine went to visit a friend and stayed with him for a night. He was laid to sleep on a folded chair, where he was tormented until morning. The owner’s dog walked around all night and breathed. As it turned out later, it was her chair where she usually slept.)

Yesterday I had 4 years to retire, today - 9, and they say that it is impossible to return youth.

A friend is doing repairs, asked to install the door to the bathroom.

In the process, they talked: I would like a shower cabin instead of a bathroom, but I am afraid of a closed space.

I was joking:

All phobias come from childhood. Did your parents lock you in a closet for bad behavior?

She thought a little.

It wasn’t closed, but there was a case at the school.

And she told me that they went with the class on a march and in the evening, when she was with her girlfriends in the tent (brezent, the old pattern, it was still in the times of the USSR), classmates cut off the stretches and the tent folded on them. Then the boys walked on the perimeter to the tent and did not let them get out until the teacher came to shout. She said she had forgotten this story for a long time, but then she was very scared.



Of course, she did not get rid of the phobia, but at least she knows the reason.

Thus, seemingly, innocent jokes may appear in the future.

recently been abroad. Walk on the alley. Negroes sell sunglasses, black women show photos of hairstyles they can make, the weather is good... Two local cops meet, one of them says something to the diet and both start to run abruptly. The Negro instantly catches his healthy tablet with glasses, the Negro photos and takes away from the cops. Cops run after them, catch them, run in parallel for a couple of seconds...turn around the corner. The Negro continued to run.

I have acquaintances, an ordinary family: Mom, Dad, son 19 years old. I live in Canada, my father is Ontario Provincial Police Officer (extremely serious guys).



Since they are older than us (our daughter is only 4 years old yet), we sometimes ask them for advice in terms of upbringing. And they told me an interesting tactic of teaching a teenager to understand his actions and consequences.



When at the age of 13, the son was caught for the first time for smoking herbs, the parents did not arrange scandals and trips to the narcologist. The father was simply trying to teach his son the criminal code – everything in it about drugs, storage, distribution, fines, prison terms, and so on. I asked for the exam. Until I learned by the mouth - no hassles with friends and other life strings.



When at the age of 16, the son gave up the rights and asked the car to repent with friends, the father forced to learn the Highway Traffic Act - a set of laws on traffic and violations, specifically chapters on drunk driving, dangerous driving, what fines, what violations are criminal liability. I also had to go through first aid courses. Only with this certificate and the entirely learned laws the son received the keys from the parental machine.



And so on many other aspects of life: he taught the laws, criminal, administrative, so that he knew that you would be for it in adulthood. In short, by the age of 19, the guy became so familiar with local law that he had nothing to do but go to the Law School for a lawyer. This is the parental approach.

I was at the doctor’s (D) reception at home. She is multicolor. I decided to talk about the roots.

I: Can you tell us about your parents?

My mom is Russian and my dad is Chinese.

I am... a Chinese?

Have you ever seen black Chinese?

I try to remember.

Oh yeah... no...

Q: What kind of Chinese? ! to He laughs. Of course an African.

Why do you say you’re Chinese?

D: Yes, I just like to watch the interlocutor’s amazed eyes.

A neighbor came to me yesterday. I decided to take a loan for my daughter's wedding (about 3000 UAH), I don't work anywhere, I am engaged in handicrafting at home. The bank does not give without a certificate of income.

But there is an option without a certificate - they can call from the bank to work and give a certificate orally.

And since I have a fixed phone, I can help her and present myself as a "employee". I replied that I would not take part in such deals, and explained how this is called. I was angry and left.

Now he doesn’t say goodbye to me and probably won’t invite me to the wedding.

But the most interesting thing is that she offered it to other neighbors, but they managed to turn it up culturally. I am not grateful alone.

Women often say that men do not understand the hints. But do women themselves understand the clues? Here I watched with my wife and the reviews of concrete mixers, and the song "The concrete mixer interferes with concrete..." on the wall was thrown, even links to different concrete mixers in online stores were sent to her, but she never understood what to give me on my birthday...

4 years ago, our office, specializing in information security, picked up no bad Contract for the installation of cryptographic information protection tools and conducting certification of jobs with this most scary in the educational institutions of the region. My partner and I went to one of the schools of the region for work under the contract. The director of the school gave us the help of the teacher of computer science, what to put and what organizational issues - it's all with him. A strong and ordinary man with universal sadness and grief in his eyes. After completing the work, he took us to the school dining room for lunch. My partner, seeing in the dining room, took a glass and headed to it, which the computer scientist with indifferent calm objected:

I do not recommend drinking from there.

– to? ? to ? to ? to

- the refrigerator is open, you could spit there and suck and even snoop the shit... it is, shit, kids!