bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 20 - ] Comment quote №147805
 02.01.2018
Every time I see ancient ruins in movies, I think – but a certain guy (or a few guys) did not sleep at night, sat down and thought how it would be better, more beautiful, measured, calculated, invented ornaments, hired builders / sculptors / sculptors, reworked, worried...

And all in order that then, thousands of years later, some fools pissed each other on a beautiful background.

[ + 22 - ] [2 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №147804
 02.01.2018
I understand that it is the same in the sense, but I will write a different version.

Pessimist: Kutuzov did not have one eye
The optimist: Koutuzov had one eye!

In vain they say that Kutuzov had no eyes, he had eyes!

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №147803
 02.01.2018
Vodka is a rare guest in our house.
Do you not drink?
We drink right away...

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №147802
 02.01.2018
When a fool praises you, he is alarmed; when he thinks he is his own, he is scared.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №147801
 02.01.2018
Santa Claus

“If a man does not believe in luck, he has not rich life experience.”
by Joseph Conrad

This story happened on December 31, last year.

In an old wooden house, in a deaf village, near Mosaisk, lived a boy Timothy. He lived and longed for the New Year’s miracle, especially on such a day. But how, boy? Not so a boy, at fifty he is a little, but until retirement is still a long way away.

The children grew up, flew around the country, the wife has long gone to earn money in Moscow, and there she stayed. There was no work in the village, so Timothy lived a household: two chickens, eggs, a garden. Occasionally - then there, then here, chopped up, dried mushrooms on the track will sell, in order to earn a couple of live rubles for the utility and for the chicken, so, everything is only his own. Timothy would have long been happy to sleep, but it did not work out, because it also requires any financial investments.

And here, on that last day of the calendar, the man was especially busy. The neighbor, out, all like people: New Year's Eve, a tree, a mandarine, maybe even champagne will drink, or even go to visit, or invite someone to himself. And Timothy, as for evil, the money was left only for bread, even for a hammer is not enough. The grief.

You could, of course, visit a neighbor, but with empty hands, somehow.
You will not go with one bread.
But, New Year's miracle is such a convenient thing, if without it nowhere, it will definitely happen. That day it came to Timothy, who was hopelessly grieved. The whole village still remembers it with envy and whispers. There is something to remember:

- And Timothy is ours, good, as much as he did not tell about himself, such serious and rich friends hid, quietly. Have you heard? On the New Year, from the very morning to him in the courtyard came dear guests: two solid men and a woman with them.
Yes, I have heard, even seen. Did you see what a rich car they were in? All black, fashionable and immediately see what it is worth, like our whole village. and Prim. Author - Running forward, I will confirm that yes, approximately as much as it is worth).
Yes, they walked well, until the evening, drank, ate, laughed, there was a glimpse from the window. Salute from the garden. By the evening, at nine o’clock, they said goodbye to Timothy and left.
A greeting? I remember, of course. It was as bright as day as the red square.

And the neighbors did not know that the magical Santa Claus, to say goodbye to Timothy: a bottle of cognac, a bottle of champagne, a bowl of red caviar, and on the table unnoticed a thousand rubles thrown.
Our boy gathered all this countless New Year's wealth and boldly went to ask for a visit to his neighbor. With ink and champagne, he was already himself as a gift.

They both had a wonderful New Year. Even made friends. They are friends, it’s softly said. Probably all the upcoming New Years, they will also meet together.

So believe, friends, in the new year’s miracle, and it will definitely happen. You will ask, “How?”
Yes, every time in a different way and always unpredictable, the main thing is to really want and be ready for it.
With Timothy, for example, it happened this way:
He woke up neither light nor dawn, in the soul of thirst, in his pockets an empty pack of cigarettes. I was walking around the house, the mood was not new year at all. I put on a fuchsia, went out on the street to breathe the air, and if lucky, then shoot a cigarette.
He looks, in front of his gate is a large black car, the beauty of extraordinary, and next to two Santa Claus (judging by the hats) and a snowmen with them. Timothy greeted, congratulated with the coming New Year and asked:

Have you been stuck for a while? Do you need a scarf?

Clause replied that no, but did not refuse help:

- You see, we go all the way from Minsk, to visit, for the New Year, we still have thirty kilometers, but we didn't count a little, rounded up here and got up. Neither there nor here.
Do you need gasoline?
The point is not, it is much worse. The car is electric and works from the router. Here, if you found an extender, then you would be very helpful to us, but it will have to charge for seven hours, no less, to get enough to get there.
What is the problem? Seven, seven or eight, if necessary. Why not help people? Do not leave you on the road for a party. We will find the extender, of course. Please go to the yard and park next to O-O-N with that fortress...

P.S

With New Year!
May each of us have everything: happy, healthy and on time.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №147800
 02.01.2018
The best teacher of 2018 is Sechin, who taught us all a lesson on the subject: "If the people choose the sausage between the sausage and freedom, they don't get either." (M of Zhvanetsky)

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №147799
 02.01.2018
In Polish they say: to Russia, to the United States and to all other countries.
But at the same time: to Belarus, to Slovakia, to Lithuania, to Latvia and to Ukraine.
That is, all the nearest neighbors are "in". And the other countries are already "to".
At the same time, I have never heard Ukrainian neo-patriots go to the Poles on this matter.”

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №147798
 02.01.2018
We all had a related specialty in Soviet times – the builder of communism.

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №147797
 02.01.2018
Brother (pushes the cat, cuddles): Uti-uti what...
I: It’s the shit, it’s the shit. determined already.
Brother, what a shit you are.

[ + 18 - ] Comment quote №147796
 01.01.2018
The child led the girl to Kotelniki, back scratching figure knows where, and I read the eye, because between us a few hundred kilometers, and I was not used to the role of a first-year father.

I:(00:19) - From the subway lighthouse
Sons:(00:25) - Smoke smoke tobacco air...

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №147795
 01.01.2018
Hopefully, with such views, you are exactly such and you meet on your life path. I wish the rest of the soul warmth, mutual understanding and gifts chosen / made with love.

And do not speak. Of at least half a hundred people with whom we communicated and communicate very closely, no matter what gender, did not come to the mind to ask how much a gift costs (this is a stupid top of dishonesty) or pay attention to its cost. And I don’t even know the value of a quarter of the gifts I received.
Most importantly, what is the difference? If I want a backpack and I’m given a backpack, I don’t know if it was worth crazy money, or if it was excavated for sale or hand-made?

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №147794
 01.01.2018
"Russia and Russia"

As long as the population of the planet Earth does not destroy the purulent tumor of Russia, life will not be peaceful.

I am Russian. And such "Russians", like you, saw in the grave in white boots) Don’t wait, cock)

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №147793
 01.01.2018
The cold dish

* "Can you take revenge on a neighbor by hitting a potato in the exhaust pipe of his car".

You can take vengeance on a neighbor much harder – throw a potato in his own exhaust pipe.

In both cases, the installation foam will be more effective.
Potatoes can be eaten. You would still have sandwiches with iced "vengeance" took...

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №147792
 01.01.2018
Here: "And yes, girls always pay attention to the cost of a gift.
How did you get, mercantile individuals of both sexes! Hopefully, with such views, you are exactly such and you meet on your life path. I wish the rest of the soul warmth, mutual understanding and gifts chosen / made with love.

[ + 27 - ] [3 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №147791
 01.01.2018
Pessimist: Kutuzov did not have one eye
The optimist: Koutuzov had one eye!

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №147790
 01.01.2018
So, as the person with the earliest access to the New Year, I want to say that NG passed without bugs and very fun, I advise everyone to download the update for the next year))))

[ + 20 - ] Comment quote №147789
 01.01.2018
Stop getting lost, people! Happy New Year to all of us!!! to

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №147788
 01.01.2018
XX: You know, Sanya – he is not a loser, apparently. But in difficult situations, there are always nuances that greatly aggravate the situation.
WOW: How is it?
How would I explain to you...
XHH: The ordinary man attacks the grabble - what does he risk? Get on the forehead, the maximum.
XHH: Sanya will come on such grabbels, which will have a nail in the scarf, and just at the level of Sanin's forehead.
Q: Or is that, for example, the risk of a sickle dropping a soap?
I am going to take it.)
XHH: It is right. If it is for soap. But Sania will not have soap, but a thin cloth, which, first, will float to the side, and second, will stick to the floor, so that while Sanya, bending, will tear him off the floor, he himself will be pulled off 10 times. somehow so.
You can explain it 😉

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №147787
 01.01.2018
>> In English Russia - Rush, in German - Russland, in Belarusian - Rushia, in Ukrainian - Russia (I wrote as it is pronounced, without Latin). Does this affect anyone in Russia? At least an absolute minority.

This is why the Germans, when their native Daechland is called Germany, are not bombarded. And the Japanese with their Nippon (and even Yamato)))

Almost all Belarusians... (c)

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №147786
 01.01.2018
Now the customer believes that the debils are working on the project, wants to replace the timlid and accelerated control, the timlid in response to this threatens to resign and remove half-team.

Both of them make a stake.
You are forced to repeat what they have said to each other (the customer is divorced in honesty for one or two, the lead is just awful enough to sweep).
Lida is depressed for hatred.
You calmly tell the customer that his wishes are either impossible, explaining the reasons in detail, or calling the price for them. Everything is discussed with lead, carefully and correctly. Psyche - scratch the article on the spot.
Then you call the price for replacing the lead and control.
Yes, the customer is always right, but never right for free. Any additional cane costs money. For a couple of billions, we can swim naked. If he thinks that he has made an honor by placing an order, you smile and say that the chip in general is that the order means money. Excess effort is new money. We do not work for free, we do not do double amount for one price.
If the hoodies are accepted, you pay a double premium instead of the selected one for not being twice off the box. You show facts and say you could get a triple if you were more polite.
If the replacement of the lead is accepted, the old one gets a little extra for extra labor (he is dealing with it), the rest is for work.
You want to pay, or you don’t want to pay. All is simple. As a moral compensation for one stunt, the entire office will not be splashed out. He will be punished, that’s all.

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