My girlfriend married an Australian and went to live with him. They live in their house. I visited them once. Near the green groves. The first night I wake up from someone’s terrible complaints. The first thought that someone is bad (the stones of passion do not seem at all). I wake my friend, I say, say, and so on. He raised his head and, without opening his eyes, asked:

Will they stand?

They stand.

and loud?

and loud.

They are fucking cowboys! He falls on his pillow and falls asleep.

They were really coals.

A few years ago I had a job failure. There was a lack of money, there was no halter in the specialty, but here they advised work in the night service of employees of cafes and restaurants. The essence is the same, give the address of the institution, take people, drive around the houses, the most optimal route that the operator gives. Pay per kilometre. The last order is tried to pick up as close to home as possible. In general, you work from 00:00 to 3.00 a couple of days a week, you can more / less, enough foods. Driving mainly young people, naturally all sober, otherwise attacked by the bosses, so a pleasant company is provided:

1st I arrived at the address, a small cafe near the road, on the edge of a square square in the bedroom area. No one tree, an open ground, only grass, a whole square of 500 meters from edge to edge. I wait, there is no one. I recruited. The female voice

Go straight to the black course!

I’m 5 meters away, okay, I’ve gone.

And even closer! Is there nobody around?

There is no one here! Go out boldly!

is exactly?

and yes!

Well, in general, many girls are afraid to walk at night, passengers told me cases when from the car to the house 100 meters like, no, lie down with a shake in the resuscitation. But here is the end of caution.

I am right at the entrance, sit down.

Two nymphs roll out... Such a burning horse at the race will stop with a glance.

We are in that house, through the square!

0 is serious? To get there faster than to go around.

Give the Rules! We are afraid for our lady’s honor.

Well, I would like to look at the brave man who will look at her...

We pass one side of the square, the second, remains the third.

Brakes are here!

They have not arrived yet.

We want to walk, we want to walk!

So from here as much from home as from the cafe!! to

It is not your business!

I left at night, and I asked the operator to never give me that address again.

_________________________________________

2nd I am a waitress, 20 years old. They talked. First about the music, it turned out to love the punkuhu like me, then the new season of Rick and Morty, about the universe... I usually dressed just for work, shaggy jeans, a T-shirt, ceds. Plus, I look a little younger. He pulled something out of his music, he said:

Damn, we’re going to be fun today, you’re a normal guy! Not as yesterday!

What about yesterday?

"Yes, my grandfather and I had one ride, he is thirsty, his chancellor roasted and is silent, the pearl is old!

How old is it?

- Fuck, old man, you know, such as men with age become disgusting, well... 35 years, or even 40 not less!

I mean, I am 34...

– Yes... 0 0 0

They came quietly... consciously.

_________________________________________

Three The boys moved, a guy and a girl remained, and the guy lived from me on the neighboring street, and the girl in the neighboring area, which previously only had to get with a large circle, and now opened the road on the lines literally a couple of days ago, through the forest strip, but not everyone knows about it. The boy went out, we talked with the girl. Raskaala, who came from Rostov, to conquer Peter, was in the city for only a few days, while he is poorly oriented and yet knows the route from the restaurant to the house, just the long one. Then it is cut off, time later, and I decide to cut down a new road, hunting home too. I go down the slope and suddenly I see in the rear-view mirror just two huge shaggy eyes! I understand what about thoughts are now going through her head - I told him that it was not a local, he planted everyone, and I was in the wool! I’m talking quickly until I’ve gotten a balloon or something else:

Everything is OK! This is just a new road! I know because I live nearby, so faster! Your houses will now appear.

And yes!!! I didn’t worry and I understood it all!! to

We arrived quickly, but the eyes continued to occupy the whole mirror until the end of the way.)

_________________________________________

4 is Usually I barely communicate with other drivers, the flow is wild, it is difficult to get to know. I sit there, waiting for people. Nearby brakes the kinds of nexus, a clear guy comes out and confidently walks to me:

Good luck brother!

Well hello!

Carrying too?

Well yes...

I am that. First day, tell me what? How do you work with grandmothers?

Usually on Friday, Saturday, 3 o’clock. Well, in principle, I am not very coupled, and the car is unfortunate. Well, where is it from 12 to 15 on hand, depending on how you work.

The Poor! It suits me! I will only work for two days! Count half a month, or even 60 quietly!

What kind of Pollos? 15 is a month, if only two days to work

What on? Do I have to go here for this spy and carry all kinds of stitches on the stitches?!!! to

Did you really want to work 6 hours a week, even at night, sitting on your ass in a car and earning 60?

“Karoch, mys go out, say shob naher go, I’ve resigned!

He sat in his ashes and left, apparently forward, to success.

_________________________________________

5 is The route of the trip is built by girls-operators, and it needs to be strictly observed. But they are sometimes dumb and mono to change it a little if the passengers agree.

Give the address, take two people to the pl. Alexander Nevsky. A hip-hop guy and a girl are sitting. The girl's house is across the bridge, on Novocherkasskaya, the guy lives on Vasilyevsky, at the very end, and from there to me is not far. But Vasilyevsky stands first, and it is through half the city to shave, and then back, and then again, when home. The operator did not follow the route. No, it is right. Well then I take the initiative on myself, yet the adults. I turn to the guy:

– Listen, friend, here’s what the cover came out, I understand that your address is first. but to the girl to go for 5-10 minutes, let her throw, and then I walk you on the shore with the wind, I don't live far away.

No is! My first address.

- Well you understand, outside her house is visible, well it's nonsense for us to ride there with her, well she's a girl after all...

It is not!!! I am staying!! I want to spat! I’m not going to give in to any woman, just because she’s a grandmother!!! I am going to complain!! What is their name?!! The car number!! to

I’ll give you a number...

Please take it away, I will endure it.

The girl looked with a tired look, I realized that she was put with this representative of the stronger sex in a couple not the first time...

_________________________________________

6 is There are a Russian man and a Hindu man. The operator gives the address, the Hindu first. In the course of the trip, it turns out that the Hindu does not speak Russian or English at all, only smiles and sneezes. In the restaurant works his brother, who brought him here a few days ago. I arrived at the address showing the Hindu to the house:

here here?

Okay okay! 😉

Okay so go out. They arrived.

The Hindu looks at us with a man, shaking his head. The man also connects:

by Ali. and rain! What do you bite? Go out, I want to go home too!

Okay Okay Okay! (He continues to shake his head)

What is OK? Go out of your house! To my brother, Go Go! Punishment is fucking! I’ll pick up my brother... and the hell, not the subscriber.

So it lasts 5 minutes, we ask – your home? He is okay and does not leave. Her brother calls:

You are bad for your brother! We brought him home, to the address, he says that everything is okay and does not leave! What? Bl... I understand! What!

Well what?

“Yes, p...c, our when the address was given the number of the house confused, and he lives on the next crossroads, at the store Okay, it’s the only thing he remembered, here’s what’s OK!

Once we went to Slovenia, and from there decided to go to Venice for a day. One day. All would be nothing, but in the first three hours of tourism, we were robbed. Everything was taken out of the bag: credit cards, cash and passports. Passports with VISA, and worst of all, an English visa, for which I had to fly to London in three days to sing a performance. Coronation of Popeya Monteverdi. One of the main roles. Replacement of the fearsome singer economical English did not dare to get.

I had a nervous breakdown. We immediately called the consulate (the nearest was in Milan), but summer, summer, summer! The consul is on vacation. by LOL.

We were attached to the International Police in San Marco. This is the international police in Italy. There they do not speak English. I did not speak Italian at the time. What to do? My boiling from the heat and adrenaline moss gives an original decision: to try to explain with carabiners phrases from the opera (good I always literally translated the texts of the parties).

I started with a mixture of the Coronation of Popea and the Glukovsky Orpheus:

I am despised and consoled! Io manco, io moro (I am all denied and reluctant! I am losing consciousness, I am dying.

The police officers would be happy to blow up in my face, but seeing my scratched body and my general hysterical state, they sat down and gave me water. Then we had to describe the essence of the problem. I decided to continue on Orpheus and Eurydice, especially since in my view the words "Eurydice" and "passport" were interchangeable.

What would I do without my passport? Dove andro without my passport? What will I do without a passport? Where can I go without a passport?



It has worked. The police activated. They began to show me pictures of various thieves and thieves until I saw a lady in a hijab who hit me from all over the bridge.

This is the damned woman. Vorrei smembrarla! This is the damned woman! I want to split it!)



After recovering from the shock, the policemen gave us a certificate, according to which we were to be transported free of charge to our place of departure (Trieste), gave us water and a dry paddle, and promised to keep us informed. All the way to the station, I prayed to the spirit of Monsieur Monteverdi, whose opera was supposed to be left without primacy.



Already at the station a call - an agitated police officer asked to return to the station. When we got there, all the policemen stood up at the entrance with happy hands, shocking our passports – it turns out, the thief threw them out along with the credit cards in a male toilet in San Marco, where they were found by a boy from Bangladesh who brought them to the police.



dying of the happiness that suddenly fell upon us, I shouted:

Lord the Cavalier! Vi benedico per la vostra bella e gentilezza! (Sir Knight, I bless you for your kindness and kindness!)



The police officer said goodbye to me:

Your language is very elegant. You have a very elegant Italian.



c) Maria Ostrouhova

The popes instill power from God, but we see that power is poor.

How Eugene Leonov's son punished

Probably, everyone knows that Leonov was a great kind, simple and open man. Almost all of his characters had the same character. The actor loved his family. The son of Andrew Leonov danced as much as he could. And the son rose with a shell in one place...

They called Leonov to school somehow: Andrusha, in front of the whole class, scratched rows and broke the lesson. The teacher was in shock and performed the program to the maximum - not only complained about the scapegoat, but also the father literally struck him in the corner, explaining in detail to him which of him was the father and educator. Poor Leonov got such a nervous shock that, not thinking for a long time, he decided: at home, I will give such a crack to a wretch that he will never forget!

Leonov did not rush home - decided to walk to calm the nerves. On the way home, he met a woman, almost an illustration of the answers of Armenian Radio – who “in one hand a grid, in the other a light, a five-year plan in front, behind a drunken Ivan.” Only this Ivan was not behind - only a huge bag and a crying little girl in both hands. The girl immediately recognized Leonov and laughed - he kindly smiled in response. A confused mother greeted the actor and said to her daughter:
“You see, Winnie Pooh laughs with you.

Leonov returned home in a great mood, of course, and to think of forgetting the crack. Calling Andrew, he just said:
“Well, son, show me what kind of kids are you in school?
Andryusha in response made such a makeup that Eugene and Wanda whispered all night.

Andrei Leonov is a famous actor. Because he actually had a good upbringing and a wonderful father.

You’re doing a great job, it’s time to add...
Money for salary?
The amount of work.
With the increase of the load, the quality of work decreases.
We will take away the prize.

What a general, so is the Rosgard.

From the book of Miloš Forman (there is a film of the same name) "Goi's ghosts".

and Spain. End of the 18th century. The Inquisition is trying to raise its head for the last time. Dominican doctors inform the Holy Inquisition that the daughter of a wealthy merchant, celebrating her 18th anniversary in the company of friends in a tavern, refused pork. The Dominicans checked the archives and found that in the fifth knee of the girl's ancestors were Jews who converted to Christianity. Marranes (hidden Jews) were one of the main objectives of the Holy Inquisition. Inviting the girl, the Dominicans applied to her the investigation of the 1st level – dubu. After 15 seconds, the girl agreed to write under the dictatorship that she was a heretic and a Jew – the meaning of these words she did not know, but she was promised not to torture her again if she wrote so.

Since her father was not the last person in the city, he quickly found out who of the Dogs of God (Dominicans in Latin. Domini canes) stood behind his daughter’s arrest and invited him to dinner. Having proposed to the Inquisitor to resolve the matter, in response the merchant heard that it was not in his power. The girl confessed. “But under torture!” cried the girl’s father. The Inquisitor explained to him that this is not torture, but a first level investigation, and the Lord helps the innocent to easily endure everything and the pain they do not feel, but the guilty ones admit guilt. After this, the girl's father, with the help of two sons, turned out the Inquisitor's hands and hanged him on the lantern. A minute later, he wrote his own heartfelt acknowledgment that he was a clever, wicked African monkey who infiltrated the Holy Inquisition with evil intention.

And how did the shaman plan to expel the power from the Kremlin, if he could not expel the OMON from his tent?
“Omonovec just hit the drum first.

We sit with our friends and eat lunch.

Our freezer Kostya shares his experiences.

“I feel like a ghost this morning. I walked out of the entrance in the morning, greeting the courtyard. He doesn’t see me, but he always greets me. I ride a bike across the bridge. There are a couple, I can’t get around them. Ask them to move - zero attention. Again with Ingrid. Only when the bridge was finished was it possible to get around. I went to work and took the guard’s hand. He does not notice me.”



Finished to tell. There was a pause. I ask the manager, “Oll, did you see the bone today?”

Inventing an eternal engine is an absolutely hopeless occupation. You can’t even check how long the engine is running.

The seller from the building materials store tells: a gorgeous lady is coming! feet, heels, hair - a model! The dress is red. Well we are waiting for a dialogue in style: I am looking for such a thing...
She says, “Boys, you need metal welds from one to eight millimeters, with a step of zero to five.”
I lost the gift of speech. The partner's reaction is better, but also dumb, he asks, "Why do you?"
“Yes,” replies the devacha, “makets to do. I am an architect...”

Advertising at the airport:
Dear passengers of the flight departing from Nice, stop roaring the passengers departing from Saransk.

Here’s what’s interesting: even if a person really likes to joke, there’s no guarantee that he has a sense of humor.

When my grandfather died, my mother and her brother and sisters fought for a long time over who would get my grandfather’s apartment. Mother refused the apartment because we have everything, even housing for our children. Uncle also refused, because the younger sister needs housing, she has 3 children, the husband dropped away. The middle sister refused because she lives in another city. And the younger didn't want to take the housing, because she considered it unfair, why she had everything and the others nothing. Hard to agree.

I suppose we already have rocks.
Where are the rosemary who are good?

We’re going to go across the city with our whole big family, including our children and our parents. There were a lot of people there, so I decided to drive in two cars. In one, my wife is driving, in the other, I. My nine-year-old son asks me:

What if we split up?

Don’t worry, we’re going slowly, one car after another.

What if we are lost?

I decided to joke:

Then I think we will never see each other again.

Okay, then I go with my mom.

We had a goat at the stall and we sold milk. One woman properly bought it every summer until one day she saw the goat herself.

It is a goat!

I: What did you get from? This is a goat.

He has a horn!

I: The female also has horns.

And the beard!! to

There is also a beard.

Q: What you’re chewing me here, I see it with my own eyes – a goat! Girls don’t have horns and beards, don’t lie!

I: Does the witch not bother you?

It is not a witch!! to

0 - O

I: But we did do it somehow, and you bought it...

J: I don’t know what you did there, but I won’t buy this anymore!! to

She really didn’t buy milk from us anymore, and walked past the barracks with the most evil look. What it was we never understood, previously communicated adequately, was positive and welcoming, and then suddenly - sailed!

Nothing so reassures a woman as the look of a working man.

Autumn though.
“Last night my husband became stronger to embrace me, I thought, love became stronger.
And Nifiga, the parasite will freeze!
I’ll go and open another window so I can’t live without me.”