My father’s brother came to me for a week or two.

in the form of Major. My brother and I were small at the time.

What surprised us was that he did not break up with his diplomat for a moment. Like in a postman’s cartoon.

The package had it. I took him to the toilet and the bathroom with me.

And as for breakfast, when everyone was sitting at the same table, I asked what he wanted his diplomat. His mother replied that there were secret military documents and he could not leave them unattended.

- But not, brother interrupted me, just uncle Misha came to buy on DV foreign trade, I heard his conversation on the phone. And the diplomat obviously has money and he is very afraid that we will steal it, because he does not let it out of his hands.

And he didn’t go to the hotel because it was expensive and we got it for free.

Everyone at the table was red of shame except me and my brother.

On the evening, Uncle Misha was already in the hotel.

Well, it is probably worth adding that a relative even came without a ball with spices to the other end of the country.

He ate and drank for three.

No one bothered us, everyone just breathed up.

I have lived in America for a couple of years. And here all purchases are made through Amazon or Ebay with free shipping home. Markets as such virtually do not exist, mills and shopping centers are on the verge of disappearance.

And from what I’m in the wharf, it’s from the customer support level at Amazon. That everything here is cheaper than in the shops is just the beginning.

I ordered a magnet with a screen in the car instead of an old with screens. 300 was worth. I ordered it, paid it, and promised to bring it on Friday. has not arrived. He did not come on Saturday either. The money was returned on Monday. Magneto arrived on Tuesday. Free magnetol for 300 backs simply because of the fact that the deadline of the order for 2 days.

Another time I ordered a panoramic rear-view mirror, but decided not to bet, it cost $ 9. I press to make a return - I receive a message saying, the money returned to the balance sheet, the goods left to yourself, sorry that did not meet your expectations.

I remember once buying a monitor in our digital store before I left for the U.S., there was a scratch on my leg since the time of the purchase. The monitor turned out to be shit and could not get it back because it was crushed to scratch. I even ordered another monitor in the same store to show that these scratches are on all the monitors out of the box as this is a party marriage and not I scratched.

How here? You just pack the goods in a box and throw them into the drop-off point and all, you are returned by grandmothers without looking into the box! If you broke something within 30 days, smashed it in a box, wrapped it in a scotch and returned it, you will get your money back. Because with their volumes, it is more profitable for a degenerate to simply give money than to risk the reputation of the company, getting at least one precedent of the dissatisfied fool who will climb forums and write "Amazon will not always help, I am fucked up."

And there is also the sale of goods with a huge discount just because of the open box. If a buyer bought something, unpacked it, looked at it, changed its mind and returned it, you can get it about 30% cheaper.

So I bought a DJI Mavic AIR drone for $590 although it was new and cost about $900. And it was all in films, stickers, an entire original packaging, just from the packaging of the box cellophane removed.

In short, I really hope that Amazon will also come to our countries instead of bargain renters from all avito))

I go to the store today. At the entrance, supporting each other, two men stand.

One says to the other:

Did you eat me yesterday?

Well I catered.

I will host you today.

Go to Host.

Oh my God, how much in this simple dialogue! Male friendship, fidelity to principles, shortness of slogans, correct understanding of life, ease of being and anticipation of the holiday.

Example from life, do you say?

I have a friend who is also a fun musician. He told me that his wife had left him. And she left because his mistress (wife's best friend) stuck him for sex with his aunt while his wife was on a business trip and told her everything. And it would be nothing, but how the mistress struck him, you ask? And he gave her the keys from their apartment with his wife, so as not to walk and not to open her entrance door (the home phone broke). And no, she didn’t decide to make him a surprise, he just forgot that he invited her to a guest for fun))

I waited at the passage point of a small factory. End of working day. Employees and employees leave their workplaces and go home. Suddenly there was rain. Two middle-aged women decided to wait for the rain in the lobby, at the exit. They talked, the rain was over, and they all talked about something. I go out into the hallway, open the electric shield, loudly click on the free switch and say, “I have turned off the rain, go home.” The ladies looked out the window, where the rain stopped, and then stared at me. Those three seconds, while they thought, were invaluable. They laughed when they came out of the door.

He worked in the center of education (servers, networks, all business) after one of the doctors, who was expelled for drunkenness. When I came to them, there was almost nothing, part of the routers did not work, the accounting office was sitting on the yate. Windows Server and the pirate ( for educational institutions Microsoft distributes them for free).

In short, I fix everything. Compatible with the external HDD:

“Look,” he says, “Before leaving, your previous predecessor told us to keep this disc like the pupil of the eye. It is something that you cannot work without.

Here is thanks! I was pleased.

I don’t know why, but I was sure that there was a normal Windows Server on the drive, the distribution on the interactive boards (there were problems with them too) and a bunch of other important threads.

I connect the disk and immediately I get blurred suspicions. Of 1 TB, only 40 GB is occupied, only one folder on the entire disk. It is called World of Warcraft: Legion.

I am Alexander, be careful with this caretaker. He has a BMW.

A – What is wrong?



I-BMW 99% of debilities

You also had a BMW in your youth.



I – so I know exactly...

Rule of the ruling top.

In order to give something to people, you must first take something from them.

About children, domestic dogs and others

In the Sunday issue 09.06.2019 there was a story from Non-Young "About a good girl, wandering dogs and not only".
I remembered another incident that happened more than 20 years ago. I was then working as a sysadmin in one of the medical centers.

The story itself did not happen to me, I heard about it entirely by chance, partly from the participant, partly from his coworkers.

At the entrance, I noticed some nervousness from the guards. Usually quite benevolent, this morning the guys worked somewhat nervously, too selectively checking those entering the clinic. I didn’t stop and ask: first, I had a lot of work, and second, I knew I would be late today, I had another backup at noon and I’d have time to go down and ask what happened there. At 11 o’clock, I started backup, drank a tea, smoked a cell phone and went down to the security room. I knew almost everyone, repeatedly helped with the repair and adjustment of their home computers. This is what I heard from one of the guards.

I came home after the shift, I think it would be good to chew something, I open the refrigerator, and there communism came. In addition to a bowl of mustard and a bowl of shit, there is nothing at all. I went to Stasi.

A small retreat. In those years, there were no large supermarkets with non-shell products, but so-called "Russian" stores have already appeared. As a rule, everyone knew by the names of the owners of these stores and despite the official name, for example, "Store of delicacies", they called these stores by the name of the owner.

During the day, as you know, Stas is empty, there is no people, I am not in a hurry, I go out, I smoke a cigarette, I look on the lawn of dogs healthy, without a leash and a nickname on a tiny girl whispering. The virgin is quite small, 5-7 years not more, stands, is afraid to move, cry, shakes all. The first thought, and where the parents of the child, why she is herself and where the owner of the dog. And why does such a big dog walk without a hammer? Looking around, here is the owner, standing this kind of pedrilo in white trousers in a cloth, a maid, nails mocked with the same speaks. The girl did not stand and broke. The dog followed her, caught her, fell to the ground and grabbed her teeth. The girl cried terribly, then cried and silenced, and the dog cried out, pulling out pieces of meat, blood in the mouth, all the grass in the blood, people scream, and this pedrilo stands and cries about something with his friend. I threw the bullet with the snail and ran to them. I brought him with me, but I was somehow confused and completely forgot about him. I am running:
Pidor, take the dog away!! to
Finally, this misunderstanding turned his head and not so in a hurry. He runs and cries to the dog:
“Fu, fu, stop immediately, bad dog.
I’ve never had dogs, I don’t know what to do in this case, but it’s good that I had heavy shoes on. I run and hit the dog’s fist. He hit successfully, the dog flew away from the victim, turned over in the air and slipped to the side. I did not let him get up, I ran, started beating and kicking. He stopped when he saw that everything was no longer moving.
This puddle runs to me and begins to suck with puddles. I hit him a couple of times too. He stood down, and began to portray the dead man. Zero attention to him. Police are called, an ambulance, there is a nearby clinic, somebody has stumbled, nurses have rushed, started to knit something, tie it over, put a dropper, swinging a syrene, the ambulance flew. It was still a little lying down, then the village on the ass, crying, splashing.
Police arrived, a couple of cars, another municipal inspector arrived. began to understand. The child took an ambulance. The police quickly rewritten the witnesses, me and this got into the car, were taken to the site.
Well, you see, you are a hero, you will get thanks from the police.
Oh, that is the case. This goat called a lawyer and they roamed on me that it was I who threatened him with guns, beaten because he was gay, and I was a homophobe and everyone heard how I called him a pudor. Because of this, he couldn’t pull the dog away, which just slipped off the rope.
Did the police believe it?
- I don't know, the trunk was immediately seized from me, you saw, my boss came, said that I am working today for the last day. This is fucking.

I did not meet him anymore.

It’s been five, maybe ten years. I worked in a different office, doing completely different things. I come somewhere to the object and see a familiar face on the passing. This man worked as a security guard at a clinic. Stopped and talked. So I learned the continuation of the story.

The family of the injured girl is very assured and very decent. As it turned out, the girl was walking with the babysitter, who, for a moment, went to the store. Nyanya was fired immediately and let her say thank you for not bringing her to court. They searched for a security guard and hired him a lawyer.

Despite all the tricks of his lawyer, who drew to the court representatives of LGBT (everyone who is against the “blue” – homophobes) and representatives of the movement “Give Life to Animals” (poor dog, this is such a cruelty, you could pull away, the girl was the fault itself, it was not necessary to escape), the guard was justified, all his actions were recognized as legal and correct.

The court’s decision was very severe: a huge fine for the dog, compensation and payment of all bills for treatment, rehabilitation and other psychological assistance to the affected child. Money compensation to the security guard, payment of honoraries of all lawyers and court costs.

Accounts, movable and immovable property were described almost instantly. Whether LGBT comrades helped him – I don’t know, but lawyers and prosecutors grabbed him with a dead grip.

This is such a ridiculous story. Questions without answers. Dogs in the city. Good or bad.

The sanctification of rockets by pops is actually the singing of our cosmonautry.

The boss asked me to pre-sort my resume for a new position in our company. About 70% of applications were inappropriate, but they were also interesting. The most promising candidate wrote in the section on interests and hobbies: "I am rotating the causandals like a helicopter." I guessed it was a stupid joke he probably didn’t even know about. So I called him and said that I would like to pass on his papers further, but I need a more fresh resume. The guy was surprised to ask if it was a helicopter. I readily agreed to what he replied that he really liked doing helicopters, and he’s great about it.

The Best First Dates 2





All the time he told me about the OSCILOGRAF C1-350!!!!! I first hinted that I wasn’t interested, and after half an hour I picked up that I didn’t understand and needed to change the subject. She replied, “I’ll draw a scheme for you now, and you’ll understand it.” I started drawing the scheme...

*** by

Two phrases of the day I still remember: "Hey, how strong, slim and beautiful I am, it is that, you would have seen me a year ago... Before the course of treatment for PTSD, this chemistry struck me very much, then I was generally MACHO!" Or “I don’t drink at all, I’m like that!” And if I try, drink for a month.”

*** by

It was in the early 90s. I go with the MCH in Moscow, spring, I am a tall cute girl, the MCH goes barefoot in a fashionable "barren" jeans suit. Passengers look at us with interest. And suddenly he said to me with disappointment in the voice: “A look at you...” He did not survive, poor man)

*** by

I was asked to take a banana on the third minute of the date. The direct text.

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He drives me. At the entrance suddenly catches my hand (I thought I could kiss - romantic, well, or at least hug) and suddenly swings into the shorts. I: “What is it?” He said, “Masha, it’s a member” I said, “I’ve understood that a member, but what does it do in my hand?”

*** by

The first two minutes of that evening went as well as possible: we met in the cafe, I ordered a dessert, we discussed the weather (in Peter there is always something to talk about). But at the third minute he asked me what kind of music I liked. I recently went to an organ music concert. There was an organ and a violin, I burned with admiration. It was amazing!” My interlocutor’s face changed instantly. “Do you know that these are devil’s tools?“He threatened me.

*** by

They met, walked all day and could not talk. I think my own. at last. I conducted. After a while, a text message comes from him: “You’re very cute. “Let’s meet again, you’ll be with me.” I, after all, did not silence, but sent so well - far and long. Two weeks later, he sent a text message saying, “Well, I’m waiting for you in the subway” or “You think, think, I’m patient.”

*** by

He began to tell something like, "How would I like to lie in a black tomb, around candles and red roses, and you are so beautiful, all in black and in tears..."

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The terrible apartment of an old single man, the terrible soluble coffee and his nightmarish stories on a production theme from the accountant's life. But it all shattered the final. I naturally, uninspired by such a cavalier, rushed to suck his wings and... He asked me to take him! Yes, I’m driving – but it’s not a reason to use me as a taxi! Uncle felt that the girl broke up, went out of the pit: he told how he once had a date with an internet acquaintance during which he was sexually exploited and all, say. And, say, he agrees, he’s ready – I can use him too. He looks so expectant.

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He begins to appeal to visit his mansion and... the phrase that killed me: “Well, I liked you, so why do you refuse?” I tell him that I have the opposite information. Then a pause, and a quick offer from him, not to tell his mother about the case, so as not to upset her.

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On the first date: “Women look at my face and decide not to contact me...” I: “What about your face?” He said, “Well, I’m beautiful...” He was serious! I thought it would follow. When he said, "I am more beautiful," he was horribly offended, turned and left.

*** by

He smashed my eyes, said I was absolutely nothing, offered to take a taxi, go to him, try his cloth. I’m, of course, a risky and complex-free girl, but I don’t think it’s the best topic for a conversation on a first date, as is the story of how he shed blood on one lady and she cried, “Another!”

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After the movie, he wrote, "Well, I spent on the movie, now you are mine." I thought it was a joke, but it turned out not.

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Standing at the bench, I was licking something, saying not for your wife, so there was such entertainment. He smiled at me and said, no, it was okay at first. But he needs it every day, two or three times, and it is anal... The wife did not stand and left. She jokes with her ex. The main thing is that we met with him and he knows for sure that we will have a complete idyll with him... I woke up, imagining a flashy family happiness. Our farewell was quick and quick. I talked about “I’ll call you” and “We’ll see you again.” Fortunately, I did not have to see you again. Although the first time I came out of the entrance, looking dangerously around the side. Little, this is how you stumble at the bench, and the fate will come to you from behind.

*** by

He was constantly saying that I had cheeks like a bobber, and clearly thought it was a compliment he was saying, although he was much more like a bobber!

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A poet, a musician, interested in literature and painting, sent me his works while we communicated on the Internet. He caught me with unexpectedly deep reasoning and experiences, such a subtle nature in our cynical world... During an evening walk in the park he said that I also liked him and inspired him to create a new work. I wondered what it was. Then he wheeled the shirt's sleeve and showed his hand - my pretty long name was cut with a blade on it! The blood dried carefully, apparently he did it the day before the meeting.

*** by

In the winter I met a guy who thought he was the reincarnation of Odin, the same mythical god. I told everyone about it in a row, and he told me secretly that in the summer he was going to tie himself to a tree for further enlightenment. Since that meeting we have not seen each other again, because the thought that I could find him somewhere in the park adjacent to the berry has had a comic-fatal effect on our relationship.

*** by

One of his replies is enough to tell all about this date: “Well, we’re all talking about me and about me. Let’s talk about cars.” No, it is better not to. Have you started and can’t stop? God, it was such a boring date that I was ready to forge myself a glass of ice cream eye, only to get out of there, even on an ambulance!

*** by

And led on a romantic walk along the road to the oak under -30. After two hours of such a walk, he led me to warm up. I have already set up for a café, well, at least for a fast food restaurant. However, we came to his entrance, climbed up to the upper floor. He kept silent, and in order to support our loud conversation, I began to make fun of the verses written on the walls, such as: "My angel, my heavenly has brought us a wonderful occasion, and I love you bitterly like a flame." A few minutes later, he smiled at me and said that inspired by me, he wrote this for me all night, and then ran away. However, when I got home, he began to write me ardent messages and promise to nurture in me a taste for true art.

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We came home to him and started kissing, lying on the bed. He struck me in different places. When I asked what he was doing, he got a little confused and said, "Sorry, I don't know, I'm just used to doing this when I share a bed with someone," he continued, "Well, there, with my mom or sister, you know?"

*** by

A scream came out of the room. It turned out that she just came home after the shift, entered my room and saw my computer boy standing in the middle of the room completely naked. On my silent question, he said he read somewhere that this technique works in 30 percent of cases and he was just obliged to try it. Not recovering until the end of the shock, I asked him to leave. Instead, he, without clothes, sat down in a chair and continued to work with the computer. In general, they had to call the men who lived in the neighboring apartments to help carry him up the staircase cage.

*** by

In the end, he turned out to be such a fool!!! What was in our Omsk, in the darkness, and it was hard to go with him.

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When I sat down to him, I noticed that the table was covered on three. On my silent question, he replied that he had to wait for the opponent. I was surprised and asked him again. "Well, I've met you and another girl, but I can't decide who I deserve. So I decided to make a competition between you – you will fight for me.”

*** by

A minute later he calls again with a murderous argument: "My sister has come to me, wants to spend a night of love with us three!"

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The first half of the date at the whole cafe told what he soon had surgery on the penis and what exactly there would be done. The second was an oral to the waitress that she gave him 2 rubles. I have never been so ashamed.

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He drove for two hours in the rain through the city and the market, choosing coffee for his mother, whom he always listened to and who advised him on the first date to put on that crumbling jacket and a hat. Then he got the umbrella with the spikes and began to hold it over himself, his beloved. Then I was told that His Majesty (and his mother) wanted to marry only a virgin, and it would be necessary to verify it somewhere before starting a serious relationship. Well, then I was really like that and fit the Shining Count, but living with this uncle (and his mother) would be incompatible with my mental health. Then I thought it would not be worse. Not a figured! With others on the first dates, we took the pile from the former wives, made a promenade in front of the store with an excessively proud saleswoman, who has been named for too long before my caretaker, gave me a flower from the bench, and in exchange asked to live at my house for some six months, because they were expelled from work, and the parents do not want to tolerate the son-idiot.

*** by

He looked like a representative of famous minorities, even on a date led to... a shopping center (where he showed me "glamorous" things that he just needed and introduced me to the subtlety of his style). Then I listened to a long monologue about the fact that he does not want to work (he has an older brother), in girls appreciates the size of the bust, and I just need to visit his stylist ("something you are not glamorous").

*** by

On the first date, the guy said he felt like he had known me all his life and began to bite my hand.

*** by

And he looks so quietly and for a long time, and then as he smiles, his finger shuts off his left eye, and says to me, "Look! I have an eye!! “They are!”

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Everything in this city is left behind, except him.

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And here it comes out. A small, dry, completely bald old man, under 70 years old (I’m not joking!). Apparently, my jaw was so ripped off, because the grandfather rushed to explain that the photo sent was not him (and there were direct doubts), but his... son. To say, the son is like him, so I wonder how beautiful he was in his youth. My grandfather was delighted that I could order what I wanted for lunch. He has a discount by age (there are discounted retirees). I am still in shock, but the thought flaps that the men from work to play me so decided and now grandfather will say that all this is a joke, no - really grandfather is looking for a wife, definitely Russian, because. I heard that the Russians very good husbands and husbands soften at the first request. Next is more. His grandfather had cancer, but he recovered, divorced his wife after 45 years of living together and decided to start life again. I spoke on the internet with a girl from Ukraine, but she for some reason stopped communicating with him after the first Skype call (aga, also surprisingly). His grandchildren are a little younger than me. Viagra honey insurance covers, so there will be no problems with sex. He no longer wants children because he did not freeze sperm before chemotherapy and radiation, and he does not want patients to do anything. In short, a very jealous bridegroom, and I liked him so much that he is ready to start preparing for the wedding.

The Best First Dates



I offer to your attention my selection of quotes on the most epically unsuccessful dates, collected from all sorts of sites, publications and forums :)

and----



When the date was in the middle of the day, the guy saw a pigeon and shouted, "Oh, you are such a creature!" He ran after him and did not return.

*** by

And then the uncle begins to tell that, say, he is an ex-pilot, his "eyes like the eyes of the flies are seen at 360 degrees", and sharply goes to the story of how gentle he will be in bed.

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I deliberately contained his laughter until he began to praise his faith. For a long time, he told how good he was to his brothers and sisters in their sect. I asked if he was Jehovah, and he answered so seriously, “No, I’m a dwarf. We pray for the holes.” I only had time to ask, in the face of suffocating hysteria, “What, for all?”

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I once got a guy with Atyrau offered a virtual cunny (he got his long tongue on the video and moved it) and virtual sex (he was fucking the carpet on the video)...

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The most terrible first date I had was with a guy who brought his mother to the cafe. He said that his mom’s opinion is most important to him, so if she doesn’t like her, then there’s no point wasting time and money on her.

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There were a lot of people in the park, it was already dark and the lights were burning. And then my cavalier got tired of boasting some techniques of karate, and he found nothing better than to jump and hit the lamp with his foot. The next took a couple of seconds: the lamp opened and went out, the guy fell to the ground and wept, all the people passing by wept in laughter, the guy could not withstand such a shame, got up and ran to the exit of the park, continuing to scream.

*** by

If we do not go into details, it turned out that the prince is expressive only by sight, and strong if only in chess. After some indefinite number of attempts to bring to life the ever-falling enthusiasm, the lady suggested, let us go somehow differently, go our own path, as we are used to speak on television in such cases. And if without searches, then I am here for myself, and you are here literally next to yourself, as you need there, inspired by my bold example. In general, this process came to an end, our heroine, as is the case with the educated lady, who is looked at and equal, beautifully brought herself to the grand final, a little artistically stood and looked in love in the eyes of her reckless man. Then he made a proud move with his beard and said, "Oh yes, baby, you will always end up with me!"

*** by

His eyes came out of the orbits, although they weren’t big (he for some reason pushed them out each time), he spoke very loudly. The menu was rotated for 20 minutes. I waited for his choice. He lifted up his frightening eyes and shouted, “Maybe by a borscher?”

*** by

Having felt that her lips were dry, she got her inexpensive glow for the lips of a rather popular brand and saw that the guy literally shrugged: "Oh God! This is anything? Why are you putting that shit? Buy a normal dior. I have a transparent pink, I’m very pleased with it!” And I got my own! Brightness for the lips. Until then, I thought the boys weren’t painting.

*** by

I think, “It’s uncomfortable somehow to merge right away.” And here we sit, and here he says, “I’d fuck you, but I’m slow now. Do you eat wheat?“”

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In the softest tone and with the most serious face, I began to insinuate to him that I was not worthy of him. “I’m recently in Moscow, I rent a room, there is no citizenship, there is no license. I am practically a gastroenterologist, can you bring me to your apartment? Your mother won’t allow it.” The tummy ran on his face, and I was even ashamed. Here, I think, now will say, I am of pure heart, and you are for some reason joking and mocking. And then he says, "And you will say that you are pregnant, and my mom will allow!"

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And he started complaining to me that he never had long relationships with girls because he had too little dignity. I tried to translate the conversation into another topic: nevertheless, I am not so educated to just get up in the middle of a conversation and leave the table, even if the conversation is so silly. But he finally rejected all the desire to continue sitting with him with only a replica, pronounced with the expression of such universal despair, as if a puppy had been killed in his eyes: "Listen, and what are we pulling? Let me show you, and you will immediately tell you if this size will fit you or not. Or we’ll meet for a week and you’ll leave me.”

*** by

“How many floors in your house?” The answer is “9”. He said, “Why not seven?” To be honest, this question put me in a deadlock and I didn’t answer anything. After that, he told me for 20 minutes that he was confident that houses should be built on 7 floors because it was much better than 9 and he liked it more.

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Who are you working for? - asked me a potential applicant for my hand, heart and other requirements.I replied that the sales manager.- Of course, nothing interesting, - he concluded live. I have a creative job. I am a merchandiser, I will store cheese in stores and store it in vitrines.For the next twenty minutes he told me in paint why his profession is the most honorable and respected in the world. Because this is not everybody’s shoulder!“I go to any supermarket, I have a special BADJIK,” he proudly said. “The director is well!” As a result, I refused to suck the proposed fruit ice, bought myself a plombier, and while I was calculating, my gentleman skillfully pretended that he was very busy studying the vitrine, looking to evaluate whether the cheeses were professionally broken down.

*** by

He told me about the conspiracies of Russia, that before the government meetings everyone there listened to Jewish songs. He concluded the monologue by saying that "men came from God and women from monkeys."

*** by

It was as terrible as my life.

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I go past the Ermitage on Monday morning and see that a man 10-15 years older than me is rushing into the door with an unclear sight. It turned out French, on the fingers explained to him that the museum is closed, and he asks where else you can go, explain on the fingers, he says you can show. Ok, I'll show you, we go on Nevsky, we went to the bookstore, we bought a Russian-French conversation, we go, we talk. Here he grabs my hand, pulls me into the nearest pit and begins to climb where it is not necessary, and at the same time says, "I know, everyone told me that everything is possible here." Well, I, not thinking long, catch the stick and kajak I will give him on the back and arms and legs, 5-6 times hit with all the doors, and I say, "You are right here everything is possible."

*** by

He admitted that he was 21, and he was a virgin, then said that I was exciting him, and offered me to be on top. He also told me a dream, as if his penis took eggs in his hands, like bags, and left.

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Sports pants, socks, rubber shells, T-shirt - "Hello, 93 years old". He was a “psychologist” of some rank. But in principle, what does it matter what a person looks like if he is an adequate interlocutor? An appropriate interlocutor stretched out his hand to me as a greeting. The whole visible part of the arm was covered with some kind of ulcers... To my silent question, the “psychologist” answered simply: “Aaaah.” Don’t worry, I’m smoking my hand.

*** by

I met a guy on the phone someday, said he was cast Angelina Jolie.

*** by

I put on shoes. My legs were clogged, we were late on the tram, we walked, he came on my foot, and I began to feel my legs.

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Give to friends. I sleep. I do not touch anyone. Suddenly a creature enters the room. A thick ruby in a gray beard. He is not just entering! On it is a beetle, on the legs striped ghettos, between the beetle and the ghettos nothing (!) not stressed. But behind the back are attached wings from the children's set "Carnival costume of the little fairy". And he shouted with joy, “I am the shamel of Zhuzhou! I am excited! I can be sorry!” And then I realized only that I was talking about compassionate insects, which I am terribly afraid of - my phobia. The Intermediate Ganglio gave the team a "sweep". The whole people fled, and the sham was terribly ashamed. Like every human being whom friends contemplate with wings, but without cowards.

*** by

We went into some basement, and there the tables are high, just like from the Soviet stations, behind which you can only stand. The local people gathered for beer. And I am disassembled. He ordered us two teas with lemon in a plastic cup and then said, “Walk like that!” I ordered tea again.

*** by

The next day he called, said, said, apologized for yesterday, "I generally like soul sex." I didn’t know what it was, but Apollo quickly explained to the fool that soul sex is when our souls, not bodies, merge together. Simply put, masturbation is just called each other.

*** by

We walked in the park, sat on the bench and a duck floats to us and begins to crack. He stands up and how can you scream at her, “Why are you screaming here, stupid duck? What are you looking at me?” People are turning around, I first thought he’s turning. But not.

*** by

Not only was he stuck in the car for a funeral, he also offered to have sex in it!

*** by

Then he said to me, “Can I tell you a secret?” Well, of course, I’m curious... He says, “I really like beautiful women’s underwear. With myself...”

*** by

And then I noticed that he, I apologize, got... eee... his “genital organ,” and is engaged in self-satisfaction. Right next to me, while continuing as if there was nothing to say. As he explained later, he thought I would not notice because it was dark.

*** by

In the 40th minute, he told me about the ritual of restoring virginity. I need to go through it in any way.

*** by

I was bored for an entire hour, then I began to call myself UG, typically "I UG". At first I wanted to convince him, but he was all dumb and dumb, how unhappy he was, there was no girlfriend, there was no sex, the job was also UG...

*** by

I was caught on this VDNH without water and food for three hours. Periodically he walked into the bushes, as he expressed himself, "pudding the straw".

and----



Some quotes have been edited, the most obvious mistakes or inappropriate nonsense have been removed, in the rest the author’s style and vocabulary have been preserved.

The call:

- Hello, concerns the security service of Sberbank (very solid voice)

Hi to

Tatiana is...



I put a phone. Because I am never Tatiana - Tatiana I sign up only for Avito. In Julia, I am Mary. And wherever I put my phone on the net, it is not my name.

So when scammers and other spam calls, I always know where they got my number.



Such a modest receiver may be useful.

Loll, yesterday a cousin of my husband, who lives in “traditional values” in Khatsapetovka with a foolish husband and two children, asked me when we will baptize the little one. I answered that we do not believe and do not baptize. She stopped writing to me. Lord, I have tried to this effect in a million different ways: by ignoring, short-living, just pretending to be dead and afk – and it turns out that it was enough to just admit that we, I quote, are antichrists.

With the years you begin to understand better and better that when you understood the worst, you lived much happier.

The Debt.
In 2007, I moved to East New York, Brooklyn. There were eight apartments on my floor: at the time, only two apartments, including me, were white, and the other six were black. So they lived, greeting at random meetings, knowing nothing about each other.
At nine o’clock one night someone called on my door. Knowing that there were cameras in our building, I opened the door without fear and saw a tall, unfamiliar black teenager.
I looked at him questioningly, and he said:
“Sorry, I’m the son of your neighbor Bill, my father invited me tonight, but I’ve been waiting for him for two hours, and he’s not there and he doesn’t answer the phone calls either.
I cried out: I did not want to let a completely unfamiliar black healthy teenager into the apartment, but he was so confused that I regretted and invited him to the kitchen. I asked if he was hungry. He said he ate lunch at school at noon.
I baked him my favorite dish: an egg of three eggs on a salad with onion and tomatoes, then, looking at his hungry appearance, I cut there two more sausages. He easily swallowed it all, even wiping out the plate with bread.
We talked to him: his name is Patrick, he is 16, his father and mother are divorced, he lives with his mother, but sometimes visits his father. Before he called my door, he walked around all the black neighbors, but no one let him go. We tried to call his father again, but he never answered, and the time was about eleven. What to do, don’t throw him out at night! I gave him a pillow, he lay on the couch in the room, well, and I was there on the couch. I will not go to bed in the bedroom, leaving him unattended.
At six in the morning, to my joy, his father came and took him.
Later, when I told this story to my friends, they scared me by saying that if Patrick was an affair, he could easily blackmail me: he is a minor and spent the night with a stranger! As I imagined such an outcome, so I became uncomfortable!
10 years passed. I didn't see Patrick all this time: his father brought a fellow resident, and the boy didn't want to see her. When Bill suddenly died of a stroke, Patrick expelled his father's fellow resident and settled in the apartment with his wife. When he saw me, he almost stifled me in his arms, but he could have - a two-meter version of 150 kilograms of weight!
A few days later, Patrick came to me and brought me a large bottle of Hennessy.
What is it? I asked.
I am returning the debt. Do you remember having a lot of mini-bottles of alcohol at the bar? I took one with Hennessey.
There were only 50 grams.
In 10 years, the percentage has risen. He was smiling.

Are you a virgin?
Well, there is a little.

A few years ago I worked as a chief of staff at a company that had a branch in another city about 1000 km from ours. One day the director decided that it was necessary to come to the branch and personally check how things are going there, including in the accounting office, and at the same time to drive one car there and take another in return.  According to the tasks set, the director, the driver and I went on a business trip. we travelled 1,000 km on a frame SUV and, I will tell you, it is still a pleasure, considering that about half the distance had to go on a village road.  In short, closer to the end of the trip, I was already in a state of "no - I wait for the tram." Especially because I am constantly sick in the car when I am not driving.  They came in the morning and met us. We settled in a hotel, gave time to wash, shave, eat, took to the factory. There, among other things, there was an exchange of cars, and we arrived at the hotel with a new one. Parking near the hotel (this is important).  In the evening, the cultural program is a cool local restaurant. I ate, drank a bit of beer, and I feel like it’s time to sleep for six hundred minutes. I took a taxi and went to the hotel, and the people continued to travel to local crops.  I woke up in the morning from the phone call. The director calls. At 8 in the morning. I guess, no, they haven’t gone to bed yet? He says he sits in a café on the first floor and awaits me for breakfast.  I descend. And indeed, the director is sitting – not sleeping, unshaken and terribly wicked. A strong amber spread around, which was apparently attempted to smell with perfume. The attempt, of course, did not succeed. In short, such an exquisite breeze from Hugo Boss.  But it turned out to be only the beginning of the film’s history. He told me that the driver disappeared from their room for two at night tracelessly and silently. His phone is turned off and his location is unknown.  What to do - HS. The director decided to undertake an "investigation" and establish the location of the driver. In order not to interfere with the investigation, I went to a nearby shopping mall to spend my trip, like any self-respecting traveler, not on food, but on more pleasant and not so perishable things such as shoes and bags.  About an hour later the director called back and said that the driver had never announced. I decided to pick up the driver’s cell phone. Well, for good luck. And, like in a bad Hollywood movie, he took the phone on my phone call.  I shouted by surprise: You are where, fool, there you are all looking for, and already in the mornings, because. Hospitals are over.  He says with a frightened voice: I am in another city.  I ask: in which other? He replies: I do not know.  And he tells: he wakes up in the morning, the number is completely different, the view from the window is unfamiliar, and a strange grandmother sleeps next to him.  After a brief conversation with me on the phone and with the awake grandmother in the room, it turned out that he was still in the same city and in the same hotel, and even on the same floor, but in the opposite room.  I breathe with relief and sneeze to the convened meeting place - the cafe. I come and find a painting with oil. The director and the driver are both sitting in the stupa and looking at the same point. I begin gently, considering their state of absence and experienced stress, to ask what happened again.- We stole the car from the parking lot - the driver declares to me with a weak voice and rolls his face into the salad.  Well, in general, the story ended happily, and we went home in a new car. Fortunately, he was unrestrained.  This is what happened.

At night, these two drunk dogs returned to the hotel and for reasons unknown to others, decided to check how the new car feels on the parking lot. They thought the car was crazy. It was a brilliant decision to rebuild it. This decision was implemented in the best way. The car changed dislocation, but at the same time remained on the same parking lot, 10 meters from the starting point.  With a sense of duty, the men went to the hotel and on the way encountered either a night butterfly or a late guest. The lens of a compelling mixture of drunk alcoholic beverages turned this lady into a literal beauty, and the driver, young and unmarried, could not resist. He asked the director for money for a separate number. Men’s solidarity is a strong thing. The money was issued, the number paid, and the driver stood in Eros’s arms.  Well, in the morning the detective naturally played, when the director did not find the driver in the room, then the thriller, when the driver woke up in an unknown place (well not with the body in bed) and then the criminal drama, when they did not find the car in the place where they left it the day before.  Film and German.  All of Bobby. Do not drink too much.

One day he came home in a wild drink, barely reached the bed, fell asleep. I wake up with a wild whimper and the thought of dying.

I feel the shit smells, I begin to smell, I can't understand where the smell came from, I thought the dog was such a shit, gave puzzles, it didn't help. I called my sister, she smelled but she did not hear anything except the sting. I changed my clothes and the cock still smells like the toilet.



Then I remembered. I drank beer, and then a cognac, at night apparently the valve started to pressed went to the toilet, fucked, barely wiped out my ass, then when everything dried up there, I scratched, and then pulled the goat out of my nose with that same hand...