Fitness bracelets are the same tamagochi, with the only difference that the dumb animal you try to prevent from dying is you.

I was 18 years old, added to me on the Internet a man, 32 years old. It should be paid tribute, in the photo he looked very even not bad: burned, tall, stretched. He works as a rescue worker at the Ministry of Emergencies, as a cartoonist in a rather popular city newspaper and at the same time is the founder and guitarist of a rather well-known group in the city... Finally, they agreed to meet near my university after a couple. I come out, no support, on the threshold is the most cute man with the photo - in general, the first impression was more than))) But after he opened his mouth, I cursed the internet and everything related to it... First this subject told me the "serious story" of his childhood... My mother raised him and his sister alone, had to leave him in the kindergarten with a nightclub, on him (I quote) "looked the educator" (he was somewhere 5 years old!), she showed all sorts of signs of attention... And one day, when "this perverse" began to put him to sleep, I will not go into details, in general, that night he learned the "pleasures" of oral sex... At this point my psyche was already inflicted invaluable damage))))) But that is not all! During the conversation I was so shocked that I did not notice where he took me... We found ourselves in some basement, where everywhere there were photos of pumped men and male-like women... Here he bought a five-liter bush with supplements (to accelerate the building of muscle mass), while he sincerely shared that he no longer pays attention to problems with potency. And I was opened to an ACC plan: it turns out, he took striptease lessons, in order to start earning in this way. Asked how I would behave if my husband was like this, then inspired to describe, "how wonderful it will be when we go to the beach with him, everyone will approach you and ask where you found such a beautiful man, and I will swim in swimming among the hot girls"... This rainbow perspective did not fit into my life plans, and I rushed to remove this Randev. But the next day my phone was overwhelmed with confessions in love and another week he was overwhelming calls, with proposals to come to him (I live outside the city, and he is in the center, about an hour drive), and on my excuses that at 2 a.m. I am simply scary to wander alone around the city, he responded with sincere confusion and assured that I absolutely had nothing to fear!!!) And nothing bad will happen! One morning he called me and asked me to leave the university for five minutes to talk about what I didn’t do... In the evening I received a tearful text message, where he described all the mental torments and distractions, all the “cretinism of the situation” when he, an adult man, had to wait for a young girl with a bouquet of roses and an offer to live together, and I, such a kind, did not come out to him. And now he will never marry (attention!) “I was ashamed”))))

My mother and I called the elevator. We come in, and there is a father with a 4-year-old daughter. We have entered. We go. The little girl looked so closely at her mother, at me, and then turned her look at her father and gave with such confidence in the voice: "Dad, and we are beautiful!" It was funny and offensive at the same time.

This is how children can raise your mood and lower your self-esteem with one phrase.

The fools are the overwhelming majority, so democracy is a priori damaged.

Talk about taxi drivers. I used Uber once. Among the reviews of previous customers about the driver was: "excellent interlocutor." So here. During the whole trip he, except for the greeting and farewell, did not say a word... Well what? All right, a beautiful interlocutor!

In 2001, 400,000 people entered a direct line with the president. The Questions. In 2018, more than 2.5 million Every year there are more and more questions about the work of the president of the country.

Why am I so well?

Sorry, I confused the dropper, now we'll fix it.

A friend was instructed to find in the archives of a client - a metal construction plant photos of happy, smiling employees. Finally, on the second day of the search, a photo was found with five employees smiling to all the teeth at the board of honor. The photo was successfully added to the presentation. sent for agreement. The next day they call from the management of the factory and ask for an urgent replacement of the photo. Two people with the photo were fired for theft and two others for constant violation of labor discipline and drunkenness. He is looking further...

There are such presidents who are more likely to divorce their wife than to give up an eternally sleepy and unfit prime minister.

The news:
The scam carried foreigners to the “wrong Chernobyl”

Chinese man sold tours to Chernobyl, but drove tourists to Chelyabinsk
The tourists did not notice any difference. Until the tour for himself and his family bought the head of the Ministry of Energy of China La Mingdong. The official himself was already in the 80s in Chernobyl and easily identified the counterfeit.

The differences are not seen even by the chestnuts.

I called from one publication and asked what question would I ask the president on the straight line?
I answered honestly: I have no questions to him. I understood it long ago!

About the most unsuccessful first dates 3 (about girls)



Even as a student I met a girl via the Internet, and decided to meet. I wait at the table in the cafe, and here she goes, in the photo posted on the dating site, it looks like, but plus 15 kilograms somewhere. Okay well. The closer she comes, the more I realize she is drunk. Okay well. She sat down to me, began to communicate, I understand that clearly "not in my taste." I went out with her, she smoked, I was in company. The Winter. On the door is a tiles that are very slippery. The bulldozer approaches and begins to ask for money to "help, or the pipes are burning." She has a cigarette in her hands and a fighting scream: “Are you squeezed?” They immediately get enough for their breasts, and they start to fight. As I said, they fell. We struggled lying down, but not for long. It was the first and last time I escaped from a girl.

*** by

The most treacherous began with her phrase, “Do you want to blow?” To what I made such an expression of the face: 0.o and replied, “No, thank you.” She said, “Well, if you want, I’ll smoke.” Then she started digging into the nearby rubbish in search of a plastic bottle. I found someone who arranged it, burned a hole in it. Then she got out of her apparently very expensive women’s bag a hashish wrapped in foil, and began to make plugs on a design textbook. When the matter was done, she asked to show her the nearest sheltered bushes, where she "dunked." After that, she remained completely inadequate, began to fear me, run away from me on the lawns and carry all kinds of nonsense. A more crazy and unpleasant date is hard to imagine!

*** by

We walked all night around Moscow, looking at the stars, it was romantic. But the girl smoked all night, and in the morning I was sprinkled like a sausage.

*** by

I once had a girl who was dressed decently and with very good manners, after having sex in my apartment, leaving stole almost all the foods from the refrigerator. Even a bag of pasta was lying next to the table. In principle, it is not a pity, but still confused about this.

*** by

In life, the girl was not so gothic, not so emo, not so very dark. The conversation did not go. And my friend started looking for a good excuse to end the date. And then he almost fled, as his chosen woman reports: "I have a cat dead today. Help me to bury.” In general, they went to the house of this girl, she took out of the house a shoe box and a scarf. Go to the desert. According to the law of gender, it started to rain. While my friend digged a pit, I vowed to meet on the Internet forever. A few months later, I found a similar story on the net. A guy went on a date, and then he had to “buri the cat.” He for some reason decided to open the box (a rather strange act), and there was some nonsense for the weight. There were no remains of the unfortunate animal. According to the description, the case was with the same girl. Apparently, she had such a peculiar way of attracting cavalry.

*** by

During my date, my rottweiler dog died, I lost my Parker gold ball pen, I broke a bottle of champagne, I broke the sleeve of my new suit, and I broke up with that girl.

*** by

She literally devastated me with her stories about balanced nutrition, vitamins, supplements, daily jogging, etc. In order not to listen to the lecture, I started dressing her. Sex we had was fresh and dietary))) The girl acted too correctly, as if on the guide "How to bring pleasure to a partner". No fire, no courage, no improvement. Then we dressed up, and she told me how many calories are burned during sex, and what foods to eat to maintain a good erection for a long time))))

*** by

Everything went wrong... At first I forgot her name... Then I remembered for a long time where we should meet... And in the end, it turns out, I didn’t leave at all...)

*** by

Her parents, somehow quickly and too joyfully saying goodbye, left us in the bedroom. And there was the main surprise waiting for me. Like kisses and hugs, everything is fine, the girl is in the right places, and all that. And as for decisive actions, she put her fists in my chest, looked frightened and said, "What are you doing?" I thought at first that she wanted to play, well you understood, yes, and she said to me louder: "I'll scream now!" On my phrase, the general meaning of which was reduced to the question of what I was doing here then, and what is happening in general, I was told the story that parents very much want a son-in-law, but she has never had it, and she is very afraid of sex because it is "painful and disgusting", and in addition, she believes furiously in "Our Lord Jesus Christ", which means I owe now "something to myself", and tomorrow we will tell her parents that I am her fiancé. And she – attention – will give me money for it.

*** by

I invited a girl to myself... And on the phone hinted on intimacy... What was my amazement when she, talking to me, began to hurry her boyfriend: "Let's go fast, he has something delicious")))))))))) Is my hints outdated, or are people so announced...

*** by

He got drunk and came up to me. I send her, she is offended in a fight. He was able to calm down only by threatening to pour out the remaining beer.

*** by

But today a girl was sitting in front of me and said, “Let’s meet you? by night. I will go home to the civil husband, and you will stay here to sleep. Let the souls fly out and out of the bodies in sleep and... at 2 a.m. I will be here. See you, let’s talk.” I pointed out the window.

*** by

I didn’t know the town, it wasn’t a local, it was found on some kind of playground. On the ground floor. At night, in the winter, I pulled her shirt and set myself in the back. I work, and scream in front, as if someone is biting something. Then it turned out that she bite out a piece of laundry like a bobber. All her teeth were iron, not iron.

We met and walked to the restaurant. In the morning at my house, she says, “And in this bedroom, we will paste the wallpaper and make a room for my daughter.” I have speech paralysis.

*** by

In the middle of dinner, she asked if I could find problems quickly (I am a dentist). I replied that quickly, if they were. At this, the woman offered to inspect her right now, at the table, and sat for 3-4 minutes with the mouth wide open, while I tried to explain why it should not be done and looked through the eyes of the waitress.

*** by

Falling on the bed. But as soon as it came to something more interesting, she replied that she warned me that sex would only take place after the wedding. This situation began to amuse me, and for the sake of broadening the horizon, I asked if she was not a virgin at her 25 years of marriage, and sex only after the wedding. No, not a virgin. She has a friend with whom she has nothing serious about, just they fuck 2-3 times a week. exclusively for health. And with me, I understood, she has love, so only after the wedding... As you can guess, after we did not see her.

*** by

She was a member of the national team of free struggle of the Republic of Dagestan.

and----

Stories from the face of women, but for men clearly was a trap :)

and----

Everyone was seduced to go to the country, that I would massage him, or he missed the female affection. I did not want to let him go home, so that he was back from me, in the process of walking I began to tell him that I know how I will die, and I know how he will die, and generally clear-sighted I. And we were in the park, and at eight o’clock, saying that now is the time for witchcraft, I began to run on the grass and collect all kinds of leaves and say where to apply - then from prostatitis, then from constipation, all repeating: “You are a man, you will need it, remember” And pulled him this grass. I was generally with a fantasy, on it broke out specifically)) It helped, suddenly stuck home. Truth he still named, on the date called, to see him so bad things were with women.

*** by

I was very worried before the meeting, so I decided to consult with my friends what and how. They advised the guy to astonish with his beauty. They sent me to the solarium (“What are you walking like a pale puppy!”) And for manicure. I took my glasses at the solarium. Which found, such and took - round, like the cat of Basilio. In order to be beautiful until I was stunned, I was stuck for 15 minutes. The manicure persuaded him to grow his nails and painted them almost under the scarf. Even the glow has struck. I got out of the salon and on the way home I thought how beautiful I became - I turned! At home, I rushed straight to the mirror and shuddered - I was dark orange, and still with white circles around my eyes. It was as if someone was mocking a panda. Nails on the side - like a witch, it was necessary to do such on Halloween. But nothing to do - she painted something, went on a date. It was probably the shortest date in my life. Seeing me, the guy suddenly remembered a bunch of important things and silenced. I was genuinely jealous of him - I had to see myself like this for two weeks.

and----

It was a long time ago, 15 years ago. Two of my friends, let them be called Vitya and Petya, went home after school, at that time they were already finishing 9th grade. Not coming home, they met a small neighbor with his classmate. Let’s call them Gene and Ola, they were 11-12 years old.

Passing by Vitya and Petya said hello to the little ones, Olya in response greeted, but here Genah remained silent. Well, and Vitya says to him - Hear p*zduk small hule you do not say hello? To which Gennady silently turned and pointed to the middle finger in response, Vitya, without thinking for a long time, ran away and gave the little one such a good snake. And then it began, the little one was so upset as if Vitya had a knife on his side, Geny's mother ran out, began to run out - the child is beaten! Gene began to hysterically scream even louder. Escaped Batya Gena and wrote Vite a double, Vitiya fell on his ass from the strikes, and then stood up and went home with Petey to the houses.

The conflict seemed to be exhausted, but Gennady’s parents did not stop. They called the police and went home to Vita, knocked on the roof Vita opened, and Geny's father wrote another double Vita, with the words - call the batya we will be dealing. Vitya did not call his father, but quietly took his dog and went out through the back door of the courtyard and walked with her.

The garbage bottle came, the parents of Viti came out.

So much crackdown began, Geny's father kicked on the battu Viti, called it a crackdown and shouted that he raised a fool who beats children...(Vitin papa - Vasily Andreevich a very respected man, worked at the time as a therapist, in his student years took the KMS on boxing, all this silently listened to. Shortly speaking, the militia there made a protocol and left.

Vitya came home as everything was quiet, his father spoke to him and asked what and how, Vitya repented and said yes - guilty, wrote a strong slander to the little one. His father bothered him all this, well, and punished him - you won't walk for a week.

In the morning Vitya stands up to gather to school and on the face illuminated bleaches from the received twins, which Vitya did not tell the father, his father saw it asked again and went to visit Father Gennady.

After their conversation, Geny's father walked for a long time with the eyes swimming from the bleaches, surprisingly, no one called the police.

Genka is actually a good guy, he didn’t start to roar because of the snorkel, he started to roar because he stole a pile of metal coins from his mommy to serve Olya with ice cream, and so that the mommy didn’t burn he threw a handful of coins in his mouth. That’s why he didn’t say goodbye and it was after Vitin’s counterpart Genka swallowed this handful of coins. He was then taken to the hospital and he was still joking rubles for a long time.



After this story, Genka got a hole - a copper.

Positive post, on hot tracks. I went out at 21-40 for a run. She ran a little, jumped a little into the classics, and went home. Finally, almost in front of the house, I decided to run again - the road is straight, almost flat and without holes. You can break up.

Suddenly I noticed the car, there was police. Slow down a little ahead, from the passenger side comes out a guy in shape and eagerly goes to meet me. I pull out the headphones and I get the following dialogue:

Girl, is it okay? From whom are you fleeing? Need a help? ? to

I just want to run, I want to lose weight.

Don’t wait, it’s late and it’s dark.

I am just running home.

They sat back and left.

Honestly, it was even a little pleasant from such attention and indifference.

There are good people, there are good people.

I was born in Uzbekistan and understand the language a little.

I liked a leather jacket.

He came and asked:

How much is it worth?

“Seventeen,” the seller replied.

I, without thinking, turned away and left, as suddenly the auction began. For a long time he offered me to buy it.

I said it is expensive.

And the seller discusses with his friend in his own language, "Give him, but you took her for two."

I open up and say in my eyes, "I bought for two, and you sell for seventeen."

Seller in shock:

How do you know?

Don’t fool me, I read my thoughts.

Time at 20: 00, returned home from work and I hear the music playing in the neighboring apartment, namely a "good" chanson about the hard life. Well, I think what to pay attention to, has the right. While I took a shower, ate dinner, bathed my son (4 months) and put him to sleep with his neighbor, nothing changed. I look at the clock, time 23:10, I decide to go down to the neighboring entrance (the neighbor lives in the neighboring entrance, the mirror apartment of mine). I call the cellphone, no one responds. I stood, knocked, called again, but the result was the same. I come home and see that the wife with a little on her hands, and the music of the neighbor can already be disassembled by words. As a result, psychoanul, I call the service and tell them the whole story (parallel data). After 40 minutes, a guard stops at the neighboring entrance, from there, two boys walked out and entered the entrance. After 2-3 minutes there is a long-awaited silence. I slept safely. The fun begins in the morning. I go out of the entrance and meet this neighbor and he declares to me (C-neighbor, I-I)

You are from such an apartment, right?

I am giving. Yes is.

- C. Not by concepts you live, neighbor (parallelly mastering your hands). Why are you calling rubbish?

What does it mean to live by concepts? I was just born when these concepts didn’t exist (well, in my childhood they didn’t exist, fortunately. 96 years of birth) and I don’t know how to live on them, explain.

Fuck, you are a lost generation. (I went out at sunset)



Thus I became a lost generation, because I did not allow man to rest on concepts.

Smart is not the woman who strives to do the things of men, but the one who does not prevent a man from doing them.

In my family, everything is full - from hxl and above. In elementary school, I did not have the "right childhood swelling", and I was dragged by doctors: they were looking for worms, then terrible diseases, then nervous disorders. At the sixth dietitian, the mother was psychotic and asked loudly to "explain the torment of the daughter." The doctor is silent, my mother says I will die. The doctor looks at his mother and asks her to sit down. She sits down, reports that she is ready for everything, just to know. Nutritionist: “There’s a guess that you’re eating it.”

The principle “Don’t hate where you live” has a reverse side – “Don’t live where you hate.”

Therefore, the owners of large money store them in offshores and transport families abroad.

The former waitress told me about it. I ordered to organize a banquet in the city in nature near the client's cottage. Well, the usual thing, prepared everything with the calculation of 100 people plus a special wish of the client, the chef marinated and prepared a huge steak, such as served in America. They can feed another 5 hungry ragbi with the supplement. On the designated day, we come, set up tables, chairs, serve, unfold the open space kitchen and begin to receive incoming guests. I explained to the new bartender that under the threat of death he should not leave the bar stand next to which were all the foods and ready meals and went to serve the guests himself. That's why I hate such events for life, then the birds will remind someone of their head, then the field beast will start to show curiosity, but this time we were interested in the local dogs. They didn't get closer than 20 meters to the kitchen, just a couple of them watched the kitchen, pressing with saliva, and the rest rolled in the grass, as if they were sleeping. Okay, I think there are a lot of people, and our newbie bartender cabinet meter 80, no fools dogs, will not risk. Here suddenly one of the waitresses rushes out the bowl and with it falls a bunch of washed dishes. Nothing broke, but a small mess attracted attention. The bartender, guided by a gentleman's impulse, came out of the bench and went to help the girl collect the dishes. This is what the dog brigade was waiting for. According to the command, a couple of observing dogs crashed from the spot and at high speed reached the kitchen, grabbed the meat with their teeth on both sides and ran into the field, and in the aftermath, the rest of the dog team, scattering from the excitement. It was a stunning picture, a healthy steak supported by two dogs flying through the field, followed by three more with grace of running wolves, and this whole gang is hiding somewhere in the slum. All 8 people of the staff slid down the carpenter for the expenses incurred by the restaurant, and no one spoke to the bartender for a couple of days, but after all, there will be something to remember for old age.