A bit of prehistory:

From 2004 to 2009 I was “bombing”. Then it was fashionable, and if working, it could be lifted well. On a permanent basis, I did not earn this for more than a year, but as an employee I worked often, mostly on weekends. And there were a couple/three stories, more funny and interesting.



In 2007, the summer.

I go to work on Saturday night, and things aren’t going really well. I drive until 2 o'clock at night, and not more than 1 in my pocket. 5tr, which is very little for Saturday at that time. Take the passengers to Marjino, I go back on Lublin Street. Right on the dividing strip stands a man, clearly on two consecutive and votes! Now, of course, it is already in order, but then... Then – an empty street, a man in the middle of the road, night. Not even cars.

I stop straight in the left row next to him. A young man, dressed well, well dressed. The East says, I need to call! and. In general, I usually refused in such situations, but here I agreed, because there was little money. For those younger than 20 years old, I would explain, thank you to call was the memeton. Yes, this is so.

I stop at the separator, the guy sits in the car. East puts 1tr on the torpedo (upper panel of the car).

I was a little surprised. I give the phone, he calls the number, we stay on the separator.

And then the dialogue with the interlocutor by phone (conditionally, by memory):

Ivan Petrovich, good night

and............

Ivan Petrovich, they are following me.

and............

I talked to him, he couldn’t help. Ivan Petrovich, what should I do?

and............

Okay, I understood you.



He puts his phone on a torpedo. Then he gets a pack of Rothmans and smokes. The imported Rothmans. It smells delicious, mmm. He also threw a torpedo. Five or six stretches, and he will forgive to turn in the courtyard, you need to say another call, what to stand on the road. I turn into a quiet yard in the east, in a neighborhood like Krasnodar Street. The courtyard is quiet, no lighting. The client calls someone else several times. I finally called, and then... I honestly don’t remember. A sincere mat. For whom, for whom, for why? I do not know.

But the next second the guy quickly throws the phone on the torpedo and flies out of the car. It disappears in the darkness of the Lublin courts. And leaving the cigarettes, the lighter and, of course, the money on the torpedo.

I sit and quietly cuddle. But I’m a little paranoid, I start to steal thoughts, bad ones. Not even 10 seconds: the first and main - dropped the "weight" in the car. I start lighting my phone and inspecting the passenger’s legs.

And after a few seconds! Strongly! The passenger door opens. “There was no limit to surprise,” so I could describe that I was almost upset.

Then begins the trial of the passenger.

Whom did you call?

He did not call anyone.

Tell me quickly who you are calling. ? to ? to ! to

Yes, I said, I did not call anyone.

I will buy you a phone!

WTF is WTF? ? to ? to

How much is it worth?

Voxtel phone, almost new and fashionable at the time slider. It was about 7tr.

It costs 8tr.

(Sceptically looking at) Eight ... on!

He gets a solid stack of thousands of banknotes, counts and throws 8 trillions on the passenger seat. In response, I am still surprised and give him my phone. The man is hiding at night.

I stood a few more minutes, smoked and decided to go home. There were many thoughts, different. He came home quietly, woke up his wife and told him about this quest. In the morning I went back and bought a new phone. By the way, I took the Motorola, which I did not regret afterwards and was even happy that it came out. I told my friends and many acquaintances about this story. Most of them came to the conclusion that the guy used something well. Who knows him...

I lost the stereotypes.

I stayed in a small hotel in the center of Moscow. Later in the evening, I decided to go down to smoke. At the entrance there was a bench marked as a smoking place.

There was a 35-year-old girl sitting on the bench. She was wearing socks in a large net. Very short coat of leather. It is a symbolic jeans coat.

“They ran out a prostitute here,” I thought hanchesky.

The girl was sitting on the bench, throwing her foot on her foot. She had a cigarette in one hand and a smartphone in the other. She looked at the screen and cried.

I was ashamed and mentally sympathized with her. Could a young man have just written to her that he is leaving her to another? And even if she’s a prostitute – maybe her snooker hit her and demanded money. And the only friend just wrote that she can’t help her?

There were sounds from the speaker and it became clear that the girl was watching a Latin American series from her phone.

I was a little upset and thought about how much I was stuck in the shower. A man just looks at a beautiful story about love and sincerely sympathizes with the heroes. And that her dress is a little challenging – what’s wrong with it? Well, she wants to attract attention and arouse interest in men. A very natural desire.

In mixed feelings, I threw the straw into the urn and was about to go back to the room. But then the lady raised on me slightly swollen and red eyes from tears. Snooping her nose, she asked:

Do you want to rest with me?

I did not want. I don’t like Latin American series.

The middle-aged girl (13 years) is sitting, CUCKING! Very natural! I am :

and Super! People can also be fooled.

My daughter thoughtfully:

I am aware. I was bored here in the morning, I was sitting by the window. A man walked past the house and stopped. He looks around and even thinks. And I said to him, “Why did you get up? Go on!” He shrugged and went...

I would also be shaken in the place of a man if the cowboy were to say to me, "Go away from here!"

Saturday days have passed. The pigs passing by our house have already plagued the lawn with bulls, tickets and other garbage. I stand and smoke quietly. I see a mother with a child in a wheelchair, and around her wears an uncomfortable puffy and absolutely bald boy. This is a brother's larvae from the 90s. Here he breaks off the trail, runs on the lawn and gets an empty bottle from under the gasoline.

Wanna, what did you find again?! to

Wanna : Mommy! This is rubbish! I will throw it into the urn!

And he runs with a bottle, overtaking his mother, to the nearest urn.

I am in shock, gentlemen. Very happy, but in shock.

Residents of Volokolamsk proposed to move urban landfills to the sparsely populated areas of the Moscow region with low population density.

For example the rubber.

I sit in the car, waiting for my wife from work. Aston Martin is there. To him suits a man, bald, large, chain on the neck is not chilly. In general, the brother of the cinema about the banducks. I looked under the car, looked into the ark, only then sat down and left. A minute later he returned, entered the building, and soon went out again. He started studying everything again. the village. has left. There were no 20 minutes. He returns. He spent a while and began to inspect again. I couldn’t stand it and asked – why? I haven’t heard for years that cars exploded in Moscow. And he laughs and answers, “I don’t want to spoil any cat!”

For several years I worked in the information technology department, and so it turned out that I had to communicate with different people, providing them with technical support.

Over the past five years, there have been a lot of absurd calls. Both written and oral. For example, a few of them, and a cherry on the cake at the very end:

*** by

A chief accountant calls me and says she doesn’t have a phone. I ask her:

Why is the phone not working, but you are talking to me about it now?

What I get is a ten-second silence in the telephone and the phrase “truly.”

*** by

A girl from HR department comes to us with a cup of coffee and says:

The pilot is burning, can you see?

Here even without panic and without fear for his life and the lives of colleagues speaks to me. I run there and see that the cable and the monitor have already burned out and the entire cabinet is smoked. He cut food in the shield and began to scratch.

*** by

A company employee calls me at two o’clock at night and says he doesn’t know how to slow down the sound on a corporate tablet. And I say:

- You have two buttons on the side of the tablet "Noise +-".

What I get the answer:

- Fuck, and I've been calling for half an hour on the tablet, and I don't want to take the phone, and I don't know how to slow down the sound of the call. You made me so.

*** by

Repair the plan. To say that it was still a plan, could not be. It all flooded and flowed. It turned out, an employee accidentally placed the tablet on a hot plate, and the tablet lay on it for a while. He asks:

How much will repair cost?

He gets a reasonable answer:

Repair of what?

*** by

A girl from the neighborhood department comes and asks to clean her laptop. She says she is being watched by a man she broke up with two months ago. To the normal question why she decided so, she gave a very motivated answer: "Because he said he works in the LCPD police, and on the note stopudof the intercept stands." I started touching the laptop and asked her about Sam at the same time. She began to talk about having sex with him and how good she was that night. But then he dropped her after sitting behind her laptop for half an hour. I watched porn when I was sitting in her coat of arms.

*** by

But the highest point of absurdity happened about two years ago. I am called by an employee who works in the fields with a tablet. He says:

Good morning, I have a problem. I went out for lunch and left the tablet in the car. It is not included now.

And then it was 30 degrees hot on the street, and she left the car in the sun. I ask :

Was it hot in the car when you got home from lunch?

“Yes,” he says, “I kept airing the car for ten minutes, because there was no way to get into it. The seats were hot.

In the tablet a bunch of sensors overheats and it, sometimes, turns off itself, so that the battery is not used in the heat. In general, I tell her to press the turn on button. I received a negative response from the operation. I say:

Try pressing for ten seconds the turnkey and the volume key minus (generally reducing the volume) at the same time and so hold them. must be included.

But how can I hold them with one hand, is it uncomfortable to do it with one hand? She asked.

Try with both hands! Try using your fingers on both hands.

Silence in the phone and then the question:

How much more should I hold? Do I have 30 seconds?

I thought to say to her, “Keep it until you’re smart,” but it didn’t, corporate ethics and all that. I hear some breathing, as if she was smoking. I ask :

Is it convenient to press the buttons?

I’m going to throw a cigarette! She said, and threw out the cigarette.

Another ten seconds of silence, and then she says:

- Okay, let's find out then, or I'm just passing the GAI post, I don't want to shuffle the penalty for talking on the phone while driving.

Damn, I think, that is, she is driving a car, smoking, talking to me on the phone and trying to press the tablet buttons with two other hands...

*** by

Please tell me, how do these people live to their years?

I was a witness to a conversation in a network. Next, K - the cashier, Z - a woman about 40 years old, a visitor.

I have potato and fish. Drop something.

K: tomato sauces, cheese, butter

No, just give me something.

Meat? sauce? mayonnaise? cream?

J: No, no, just let me do whatever I want.

Q: Give me butter sauce?

J: No, I will not be like that.

Q: Maybe the cheese then?

No, I don’t eat cheese, just pour something.

The cashier can no longer.

Q: Woman, tell me specifically what you should drink?

Q: You know, I changed my mind for your lunch, the service is terrible.

A good soldier is a living, healthy, sleepy and smart soldier.

The murdered, sick and sleepy fool of our army is not needed.

Marshal of Roccosovsky

What are you waiting for when you return to a part of your long journey tonight? Right - the possibility to wash and shave, without pushing away the blood-sugging vitality, and just elementary sleep. But the Lieutenant Colonel was relentless. "The whole part of the exercises, he said, even the robes in the companies did not leave, only the guard for the part and the warehouse. All hope is on you. Get the shuffle, weapons and ahead to arrange a "shelf" for schoolchildren.»In the 80s, the "shelf" was just as necessary and favorite attribute of school life, as now the availability of wifi and a chip trading machine.

After a short conversation, we were given all the necessary and heavy bag in the warehouse. Looking inside, I wanted to ask, “Have you shaken something?” 20 kg of gillets from various weapons. "You then spread through the forest, the schoolchildren like - souvenirs" - issued the buffalo and dropped home, leaving us no choice.

Part on the exit, in the fleet of no car, and dogs to ride in the army is not accepted. I didn’t want to drive an electric car with such a cargo either. It is now people in camouflage would not arouse the interest of others, and in the 80s young strong guys loaded with army equipment would be guaranteed to become a subject of curiosity even late holidaymakers. So we went to the forest with a taxi for "three counters". The poor taxi driver looked around all the way, apparently wondering why we had to go to the forest at night looking, but greed won.

The square for the "carpet" was assigned to the Pushkin Forest near Moscow, which is in Razdor. There, our predecessors in the past years have already excavated the earthquake and all the features of the area have been mapped.

We fell into the earthquake at night, crushing a family of forest mice. Soon after eating, they went to bed, decided to get up early in the morning and prepare the grass. I dreamed of a laughing police officer: "Student-practitioner you feel, look with high school girls do not confuse. It's good to be young, if I had to lose 20 years, I would have asked for a saboteur for a bargain."

I wasn’t sure, but the sounds of the pioneer mountain, breaking through the dream, definitely indicated that we were asleep. Destroyed comrades by misfortune and taking into account the time decided to immediately attack the students. It is easier to say than to do. They took positions, took positions. The students have already been built. In front of them was a tough woman in glasses and a business suit. Very suitable for a forest walk.

As I remember now, it was May 19th, the day of pioneering. When the talk of the “Lenin’s dawn” was completed, we let the signals and threw the lawn with smoke sticks. A number of schoolchildren issued something similar to the unprinted "oh you". Having accompanied the performance with a row of soloists in the air, we drove back into the earthquake.

"Listen, and let us steal from them the school, the conspiracy caught me Losh, there on the left was such a blonde." Apparently it affected my lack of sleep because this thought, at the time, seemed to me brilliant and even very fun.

We went out again and in the already slightly smoked smoke headed to the schoolchildren who had been wearing fun on the lawn. Interested in the game, the schoolchildren interrupted each other's pursuit, and the nurses sewed them back, bringing the soldiers back into service. Like the seeders, scattering the guilds in the smoke, we suddenly met face to face with a group of teachers meeting. Upon seeing us, the teachers astonished and remained silent. As if on the slave market, Losha walked around and looked at the pedestrian, then also silently grabbed and threw the necessary lady on his shoulder. Standing on the shuher, I saw Lecha turning around to appreciate the effect, but his gaze turned to the harsh woman in the costume. The people and the army are united, for some reason I remembered Agitka, but the Soviet warrior is terrible in service, especially for the people. The woman took a step back behind the back of the body and God knows what she was thinking at the moment when she said the shocking phrase at the time: "I'm a non-partisan." While we were digesting what we heard, somewhere from Loshino’s shoulder came a shy girl’s voice: “She can’t, it’s our sound.”

We hid the teacher in the earthquake, with the help of a piece of salt, placing a mouse guard at the mouse. They were very reckless to run through the forest around the grassland. Who knew that at this time some white-brushed shirt with Napoleon's backbone would head the school squad and we would soon be bound. Schoolchildren did not read Sun Tzu and, contrary to all the military sciences, under each bush, we were awaited by an assembly, from every tree with the cry of "qiya" hunters jumped on us with colourful chariots or pollen fell. The girls did not lag behind the boys in the outdoors and a couple of times were quite meticulously planted with a pine cubicle in my head. Fighting with the rapidly surrounding regiments, at some point I realized that I had a few minutes behind my shoulders hanging not a backpack, but a real pioneer. And you can’t run fast when you have a pupil hanging on each leg. Funny, but a fact: we were spelled quickly and reliably - at least a dozen children sat on each. Have you seen Mowgli? Here, I still sometimes think like this, then, I was not broken into many small pieces.

Lieing on the grass with someone's ropes and hands tied, we listened to the recipes of torture seen by the pioneers in the movie "About the Indians" and which, in their opinion, must be applied to us. The read girl with the nurse’s bag did not lag behind the boys in the list of torture. I didn’t like her face when she fixed her glasses and offered “myrrh in the liver of a Delaware” or “magua needles under the nails.” Therefore, we cautiously surrendered at the first torture with the "knock in the hand" and immediately handed out all the military secrets about the captive teacher and even a few secret military words, which are now used to whisper on television. We were generously forgiven. After the teacher’s release, we were drunk with tea and sandwiches and placed as honorary guests in the presidium of “military” competitions.

The theft of the teacher cost less expensive - three months later he was sentenced to life with complete confiscation, and "drinking beer with friends" the teacher leaves him only on the evening of Saturday.

And let’s take the example of the Americans, just don’t give visas to footballers of foreign teams, and the gold medals of the 2018 World Cup are ours!
will not succeed. In order for the championship to be formally held, you will have to give visas to at least one team, which means a maximum of silver.

In the 1980s, when current Microsoft owners were still actively practicing programming, Steve Ballmer noticed that if he drank a little alcohol, his productivity increased. At the same time, if you consume too much alcohol, the productivity drops to zero. This means that somewhere between “treated as a glass” and “drunk and cut off” there is a moment when the positive effect of alcohol is maximum. Balmer conducted a series of natural experiments, and found that the ideal level of alcohol in the blood for programming is (in his case) about 0.13-0.14%. Translated into normal language, this is 1.3 – 1.4 promile, or about 2.5 liters of beer, and then in the process to catch up with 0.5 liters of beer every hour. Given that programming eventually made Balmer one of the richest people in the world, with a fortune of about $40 billion - this is his discovery should not be forgotten.

And let’s take the example of the Americans, just don’t give visas to footballers of foreign teams, and the gold medals of the 2018 World Cup are ours!

will not succeed. In order for the championship to be formally held, you will have to give visas to at least one team, which means a maximum of silver.

The case was a few years ago. A girl comes from school and asks:

“Daddy, why should I not love people with a different skin color?

I even got a little confused.

Why did you decide not to love them?

The teacher at school told us.

And what did she tell you?

That there are many nationalities and nations and that they do not love each other. We are all the same and we need to live together.

Well yes. correctly said. The main thing is that a person is good, and what color he is, it does not matter.

So I learned that there was a tolerance lesson at school. Questions to submit material...

My laptop runs a project database that is used by several people in the office because they don’t have their own. I have a script that updates the database to the current version.

Over the past few months, they have occasionally asked me to update the base. I started the script and went on with my business. The guys were pleased with the result.

I noticed today that the script is unworking.

We lived in a small military garrison in the far north. We had a specific forest, the so-called forestundra. Mushrooms and berries were the sea. And often people from the regional center came to our area, because they had everything out there and gathered. Periodically they were lost.

The father came from the service and that all the surrounding units had been asked to help in the search for two women who were lost somewhere near our garrison. The commander of the unit gathered a staff not very busy in service (and in the 90s there were many such, because aircraft did not fly, tanks did not ride and the army in general is unclear what was doing) and led to chest the forest.

The women were found by our officers and the next morning a construction was appointed to celebrate the distinguished.

Two days of rescuing the forest. All the surroundings helped in the search. But the women were found by our officers Ivanov and Petrov.

And then in the coming silence someone spoke clearly and loudly enough.

Everything is understandable with these. These and in the tundra you will find a thorn!

Even the commander is roaring, because the distinguished men really had the fame of female lovers.

I am often asked in the comments: how to distinguish a conscientious lawyer from a "dust cleaner".

I answer: if the lawyer looks fresh, sleepy and restful, I would personally be warned.

If fans, at the matches of the Russian national football team, are allowed to carry weapons - the chances of winning a little increase, in running football players are harder to get!

I have a friend, a surgeon in traumatology. They say he is a doctor from God. I don’t think a dozen lives saved on the account. Driving a car, on the car identification signs that a doctor is driving. Baggage bag with medicines, bandages, tools, etc. There is even a stand for the dropper, disassembled. On the road, in case of an accident can provide help not on words...
I am what...
Today showed the protocol, broke... Where the essence of the violation of the phrase is written...
There is no established pharmacy.
Pepper, there are no words.

I finally understood everything.
When oil goes up, gasoline goes up after oil.
When oil is cheaper, gasoline is more expensive because the price of the ruble falls.