bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №149203
 20.02.2018
"Let’s count it up, the cowboy. With you."
Such storytellers usually forget about any ‘minor’ circumstances.
The story of my youth - the 90s, the youth of the same age 18-25 years, living in the country of elves is extremely few - the clash with reality quickly resounds. A girl came to our company, which is called "packed" - an apartment-machine, only after a jurfak, a senior lawyer, a low salary in dollars. Particularly, this was not shrinking, but always answering questions, say, "all by herself, with her labor, mind and workability." The girl at the same time is quite sympathetic, so all the free guys from the company (including me) went to her, no one achieved reciprocity, from which they concluded that the girl successfully found a daddy - and calmed down.
And somehow completely accidentally it became clear that: she is a late and extremely long-awaited child of very well-to-do parents, who are in a painful divorce; the apartment was presented to her by her father for adulthood, the car by her mother for graduation from the university (or somehow the opposite is not the case), and she works in the office, where the owner is the father, and the general director is the mother. When she was generally polite enough to hint that this is not ever everything itself, the outrage was simply universal, with a complete breakdown of relationships - no one of us has seen it since then.
And you are here with your arithmetic and vegetable bases.

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №149202
 20.02.2018
Lilofeia: No, we have these role-playing games. Instead of fire sex, half roasted, like a pollution. My husband broke into my bedroom with his cowards down, waving a huge inflatable squat, while he joyfully spoke to me "Fuck!!"

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №149201
 20.02.2018
The most natural strawberries, grown in the wild in an ecologically clean area, contain more sodium benzoate than is allowed to use in the preservation of products.

and Eureka! I now understand why the strawberries are placed in the fermented cabbage. I was naive to think it was for the taste. Our ancestors weren’t fools, they knew it.

[ + 37 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №149200
 20.02.2018
The same feeling...

That feeling when something is broken, you do not know that you are carrying all the wild. Everyone looks at you like an idiot.
But a second before the master's lust they called you suddenly understand what the problem is and right from the threshold you begin to discuss with the master the essence of the problem and how to solve it.

This is the aura of the specialist - next to the real specialist, even the most professional becomes smarter. Through a wall and a closed door.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №149199
 20.02.2018
From Habr:
Why do many developers not like Java?
What makes a good code good?
XX: What have you learned over the past week?
xxx: Explain the Unicode or transactions in the SUBD to a five-year-old child.
XXX: Your last achievement, which you are proud of?
xxx:...<a lot like this in the article>...
Yyy: God, no, such questions I would least like to hear in a technical interview.
YYY: Although... for nonsensical corporate competitions, they will agree.
Zzzz is late. Thousands of HR have already copied an article into the file "Questions for a computer worker's interview.doc".

[ + 18 - ] Comment quote №149198
 20.02.2018
The ordinary, most natural strawberries, grown in the wild in an ecologically clean area, contain more sodium benzoate than is permitted to use in the preservation of products. If the strawberries are driven by permits for the content of preservatives, it should be prohibited, it is over preservatives.

[ + 44 - ] Comment quote №149197
 20.02.2018
My husband works in the hospital. I sent a photo of the announcement today:

"All men get gifts on February 23 until 15.00 at the infection department!"

Below is the mark:

"And why not in a skin-veneric dispenser?"

[ + 25 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №149196
 20.02.2018
Calculation of this economics.

The bread is from baked bread, it tastes better.

My girlfriend bought a baking cake for £500. We live next to a store where you can buy bread for 49 pence, which is cheap and convenient. But we will cut off the cost of the oven – in just four years, if we double the consumption of bread, we will receive the ingredients for free and we will not take into account the cost of labor.
I just want to say I love you, Caroline, but fuck your mother.

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №149195
 20.02.2018
How about negotiations?
It was not even time to go out to suck.
Is there a result?
You have chosen me, haha.
and Graz!! to
and passive). Do you know what has swung the cup of weights in our favor? 😉 The boss boiled the tea in his cup with Patrick and the SpongeBob))) German grit : "I see your professionalism and positive attitude!")

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №149194
 20.02.2018
They sat down, drank and the guy I knew cried that for a year his girlfriend has been driving his nose, holding in a friendzone. Of course, he himself chews sophie and is not alphach at all, does not drink. He runs around, hears crying about the goats who haunted and dropped the queen, learned to cook desserts, takes the ready-made from the bars at 2 p.m., kills the apartment after the maid with the call of Watson everywhere... the full program is shorter. Her cell phone calls and her number. We say, type, tell her to come to you to fuck or she will forget the number. Put the phone. He said, “You can’t fuck her today. She has these days. I bought her clothes yesterday.”

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №149193
 20.02.2018
Here I always wonder: when the cars were given the opportunity to start not from the outside, crazyly turning with the handle, and from the cabin by turning the key - the same clash was between the boxers and the automatizers?

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №149192
 20.02.2018
From the discussion of the sleeping place of the astronauts:

xxx: They do not have the most important feeling in the process of sleeping - when the blanket and pillow wrap you, hug you from all sides and take it with you, bringing it to the kingdom of Morpheus))) fucking, I just woke up an hour ago, sleeping 10 hours, and my bed is tempting me back.

YYY: I am at work, so what are you doing???! to

[ + 20 - ] Comment quote №149191
 20.02.2018
Gauguin just became independent early, and went away from his wife and children, ocho, not to sit for him until the age of forty with his wife on the neck)))))

[ + 22 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №149190
 20.02.2018
Can you somehow put out quite adequate thoughts without these of your "children", "my puppies", "sweet", "sweet" and other evidence of excessive heart disease?

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №149189
 20.02.2018
If my parents were to tell me at the age of eighteen (and at any other age) that the apartment I grew up in is no longer my home, I would consider it a betrayal.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №149188
 20.02.2018
>> but just about 18 people usually start earning.

Have you seen many such people? Or are you talking about those who advertise at the subway or the pizza carrier? They earn money, for a trip, and for a cafe-cinema a couple of times a month. It was in the summer before the school started. At 18 people usually enter universities, well if on a budget, get 1k scholarships and try not to fly out, in order to at least live in the community and have more chances for a good job. Work starts closer to 21-22, in senior courses. And so is it after 25, when you accumulate formal experience, real experience and the ability to sell yourself for normal money. If you are lucky.

[ + 18 - ] Comment quote №149187
 20.02.2018
The gold woman has nowhere to try.

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №149186
 20.02.2018
His Majesty is the case.

Several years ago, the graduate of the university Irina, a smart, red graduate in the specialty "Specialist of economic forecasting", and just a beauty, tried to find a job in the specialty. But not here it was: everywhere you need work experience, and where to get it if you don't get a job? As a result, she became an assistant seller of electronics in a large network store. Six months later, after passing the exam, I started working as a salesman. And after some time, given the knowledge and diligence, became a senior salesman. After that I thought... After all, this is her ceiling in her career, and therefore, in a financial sense. Because, like in the anecdote, "the general has a son", and the anecdotes, as you know, are taken from life.

And it would continue unknown how long, but... The store received an offer from the distribution of Nokia Corporation to send several people to a seminar on the study of standards for 4G mobile communications networks. Of course, they sent the senior salesmen of the departments so that they, having acquired new knowledge, passed it on to their subordinates.

I ordered a taxi at 8:30 in the morning, but no one arrived at the appointed time! Calls to the taxi station, and there is no replacement car - the peak hour, they say! What to do? He runs to the prospect, catches a private man. On the third attempt, luck smiled. A little late, he runs into the hallway of the business center, and to the girl at the reception: Where are you here at the Nokia workshop? Without tearing the pipe from the ear and the eyes from the monitor, she shrugged her hand: There.

Running up the stairs... open doors to the hall. People are walking, they are sitting... Oh! So not late. He finds a free place, looks around and does not see his colleagues. And another strange thing: almost all present are men... Strange, but okay, maybe colleagues are late. But a sense of injustices still exists.

There is a business coach, an introductory word, as always a greeting. And here this irregularity was manifested: I am such - such, I welcome the participants, and today we will talk about innovations in the production of elastomers, in order to improve adhesive qualities and wear resistance in difficult conditions.

Panic... and where am I... and where am I, fucking?!! to
Looking around more closely. Screens, visual guides... Everywhere tires. Whole, cut and unworked... The final clarity was made by an assistant carrying notes, pencil and other shells: on the cover a white and green inscription Nokian Tyres. Here is Fallout! And to leave unnoticed impossible... I decided about myself: I sit down to a coffee break, and slime. Maybe I will find my own in this BC, for the delay they will rush, of course, but they will not shoot!

But whether the host of the seminar was so fiercely speaking, or whether Irina's blood was flowing elastic particles - the seminar interested her. Why, if these tyres are so dirty, they haven’t flooded the entire planet yet? Marketing or sales organization. There were questions that she did not hesitate to ask the lecturer, there were interested views of the participants and, most importantly, the organizers of the seminar. And after the break, I no longer wanted to look for my seminar, when there were still unsolved questions...

At the end of the event, Nokian Tyres’ commercial representative in the region asked her to drop her resume to his address. As a result, Irina is now doing what she has studied and is part of the top management of a large company.

Don’t be afraid to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Who knows, maybe it is necessary?

[ + 20 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №149185
 20.02.2018
PIN code of my card - the last 4 digits of the number

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №149184
 20.02.2018
And if you start digging in this direction, then you can live without musicians, writers and artists in principle. We recognize them as useless and forced labor. It was already.

In addition, the actor has to work somewhere! It’s wrong when he talks all day in the theater! After all, how much better would Ermolova have played in the evening if she had worked at the grinding machine in the afternoon, you understand..."

or so. Zikina asked, what are you doing?
I am singing!
I also sing. Do you work for whom?

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna