— the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №153519
It was worth one time to look for a self-propelled device in Yandex - and I was fooled with contextual advertising for three weeks. Rectification columns, areometers, distillators, distillation cubes and wine yeast were offered inexpensively. Tired, started pressing the crosses and saying that the goods were bought / the service was found, break up. And today I was met with a joyful proposal: “Alcoholism treatment! It is cheap!“”

[ + 39 - ] Comment quote №153518
I recently crossed the U.S. and Canada border to Buffalo. I give passport.

The border guard asks, “Who’s this passport?”

I answered, “My own.”

He mistakenly took his mother’s passport. I think it's all, or it's immediately unplugged, or it's a couple of hours gone and then unplugged.

He asked, “Did you cross the border this year?”


He asked me to show my driver’s license, checked on the computer and missed it.

On the way back, the Canadian migrant asked, “How long have the Americans held you?”

I said, “Two minutes.”

They said, “Well, then we will not delay.”

[ + 43 - ] Comment quote №153517
A friend, even before moving to the capital, was very long and stubbornly looking for a wife. The girls he liked holistic, held throughout life, and most importantly - combining the format "the horse will stop racing" and gentle care of the home fireplace. He himself has achieved a lot, is sporty, beautiful - therefore, as they say, "has a full right." But something did not stick. One is not so, the other.

Here is the year 2015. New Year's corporate, all somewhat discouraged by the course and other news, so on the tables and on the program everything is very modest, and the institution is chosen in a remote and somewhat disadvantaged area. But the boss in the form of an exception went to concessions, and allowed to invite in addition to the husbands - wives for 1 friend - a friend, to expand the company, so to speak. A friend's colleague hinted the day before that he would invite one of his very interesting friends, a girl who is extraordinary and "confident you will like it."

The company is small and everyone can sit at one table. A small explanation - the hall started right behind the restaurant door, dressed right in it, and the bathroom - at the other end of the entrance.

The chef says a toast, and at this moment a girl enters the hall, in a expensive shirt, beautiful, but only her appearance is such as if she had just been fucked in the back seat of a taxi for half an hour, and she barely had time to put herself in order a little - the cosmetics slightly "drived", the hair is shaken, the breath is heavy, etc.

Masha, what has happened?

- You imagine, a taxi driver on the ice in the pillar entered 500 meters from here, I think close - I will come. And in the middle of the road, four copters tied up - wanted to take the bag along with the sweater.

In the hall, the angry male and female outcry of the format "How terrible to live in this city", "What is done around", "How can a girl walk around the area alone at such a time" and so on.

And only a friend's colleague, Masha's girlfriend suddenly bleeds and cries out:

Masha, are they alive?

Alive and alive! and calm! Two of them fled, and for the others I called an ambulance.

P.S. My friend is well married, my daughter is 2 years old. He says that there is no disagreement in the family, because it is more expensive to argue with the counterintelligence major:)))))

© travel1980

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №153516
I stayed at my grandmother’s house and she left for her birthday. She had a lamp, thick like that. I watch NTV, a report is going, about ghosts, and there they show a fragment from the movie "Call", where the grandmother is looking directly at you. Here the light is cut off. And in old telics after turning off the silhouette of the image remains for a while. In general, I am lying alone in the dark, and this grandmother is looking at me... I ran out of the house and sat on the bench, waiting for my grandmother. He arrived late.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №153515
Yesterday, a man brought me a car for polishing. Precisely pour the lacquer and polish. (In a few years, the old lacquer was very "crushed") I prepared the car in two days, and poured the lacquer. And today he calls me with such a thought, the wife said that if the car for the new year is in repair, then the whole year will be, and you need to urgently pick up the car. I say that the lacquer is not dry, if you drive it out under the snow and dirt with road salt, then everything will be sad. But as they say, the customer is more visible, and he tomorrow "at lunch* takes the car, which I finished lacking today at 8 p.m., and they and their wife go to their family in another city. Fortunately, all my calls are recorded and all this nonsense I have saved for the event of a preview. This is how weakness triumphs over healthy thinking.

[ + 21 - ] Comment quote №153514
It is bad when there is little humor in life, even worse when there is a lot of satire.

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №153513
Auschniks and representatives of criminal subcultures clearly distinguish with whom you can eat at the same table, and with whom not, this distinction is characteristic of any caste system.
Tolerant Europeans are alien to this division, and the interaction of representatives of these cultures sometimes leads to a bizarre plot.

A vivid example is the story of the Swedish ambassador and his Hindu driver. The two worked together for 10 years, during which the ambassador regularly rushed to serve his driver with sandwiches, breakfasts and lunches. The driver was always polite and refused to eat alone.
For the tenth year the ambassador was persistent in his invitation, reluctantly stating that the difference in their social status, which he believed was the cause of the rejections, meant nothing to him, offered to reject modesty and prejudice and eat together.
The driver replied that he could not reject prejudice in any way, as a brahman, it was difficult for him to take food with an ambassador not belonging to the two-time baron, and accordingly standing below him in the cast system. In the picture of the world of the chauffeur, the ambassador for 10 years tried to spoil his karma (to spoil in our way), but the brahmin, stiffened by the framework of service relations, was forced to give himself the labor to refuse him extremely polite.

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №153512
Turtles can survive a nuclear war, but they cannot survive a newspaper strike.
This once again proves how dangerous modern paper media is.

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №153511
In the period from 2012 to 2014 he worked in a small but very remarkable office, dealing with the sale of computer and equipment. Among other things, the range diluted tablets Apple, Samsung. Of the smartphones only Apple, because. by Dir. I loved this technique. Well, not about them now.

We were three in the store. Three salesmen. Then, on a beautiful summer day, the entrance door opens and enters:

Q: Are there any plans?

My colleague asked polently:

K: Good morning. Yes of course. There are tablets from Apple and Samsung. Something to advise?

M: I have this Apple. What is Samsung?

Q: This is the option, this is the option.

Details of the work of the seller with the customer. They came together on one of the versions of Korean engineering thought.

M: OK, give me a print on it.

Q: Of course, please keep it here.

The man took the printed account (always done so that in the future on the basis of that to create a realization, but not the essence) and left.

No one paid attention to this fact, of course, did not. Many people take paper, go on their business, compare prices, read reviews, and so on. If everything suits, it returns, orders the purchase.

The inscription on the black background: “A few weeks later.”

The entrance door of the store is opened. The same man comes in and almost throws the box with the tablet, which was previously discussed, on the table of my colleague from the threshold.

Take that shit, give me the money back!

Q: Okay, but what is the reason for the return?

M: I don’t like him. I suggested some hernia. Give me my money back and I’m gone.

A colleague looks, there are no sales for this miracle of engineering thought, the serial number in the database of sold devices is not counted.

Q: This is not our product. Have you purchased it from us?

M: Of course not! I bought it in Thailand. As you suggested, I bought it. In the store showed your paper, I sold this model. He does not fit me. Fucking something.

K: So be calm. What do I have to do here?

M: What is it about? ! to You have advised me! He told me everything about him! Give the money back or...

Q: Here is a book of reviews and suggestions. Write to.

M: What to write?

Q: What you consider the reason for the refund of funds, then write.

M: I will not write anything! You are...! I am you...!

K: All the good.

And you say, the bottle of spatle was used and asks for the money back. Here a man at all in another state purchased a thing, and we (such ones) refused to return him the money :)

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №153510
I have a friend, we go to work. He has a small cargo company. There are not enough stars in the sky, but there is life. And then I (I) I am familiar (z)

I said, “What’s new?”

“Normal, I bought Logan, I rent a taxi.”

I: “And how can I earn it?”

A: “No of course. But what, no fun. In the afternoon, the car at the tenant, in the evening to me it catches, stands next to the house until the morning. Sometimes, from nothing to do, I take a taxi in the evenings, I'm connected to Yandex.

I said “Stop! So are you the same taxi driver who tells you that he has his business, and he charges for the soul?”

Z: “Nay, I try to keep silent, or we are such a sex of the country)))”

So guys, they exist.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №153509
There lived one cute girl Lena with her husband and she was doing gymnastics. Accordingly, stretched, flexible, with a certain type of figure.

There was a friend of Cole who breathed on her. He was also indifferent to her, but she kept him at a distance, getting married anyway. And she also had a few lonely cute friends from the gymnastics circles.

And then one common acquaintance who knew the whole story asked:

- Lena, well, since you don't need Nicholas, so introduce him to someone from the studio, with the same Anya, she's lonely.

and yes? So that then I looked into her pale happy eyes, listened to how he collared her beautifully and regretted that I missed him????? to

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №153508
If vodka is poured into graphene, it becomes expensive.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №153507
We once lived on the outskirts of a small town, you can say almost in the village.
The situation was appropriate: a lot of green, and livelihood at least remove.
From time to time, a crown lived near our house: a large
A smart bird with stealing habits. He tore out of the balconies all sorts of little stuff, like pimples. But in measure.
Everyone got used to it over time. They called, of course, the Barbarian and began to feed. Although this was not a special need: Varya himself brilliantly hunted rats.

Once upon a time, a puppy appeared in our yard. of noble blood. Strong as such. Intelligent, fun and shameful. Quite quickly he grew up and became a general favorite: he plays with children, deals with strangers, masks his own tail.

And our dog joined with the frog. Although in the beginning he was spinning, raising, but then somehow softened and stuck to the orphan.

Together, they drank water from the same lochhan and fairly shared the rushed by the locals of мясцо.
Borka listened attentively to the crown when she told him something, and Varvara diligently pulled out of Borka the reptiles, confused in the wool.

Their friendship was observed with apparent indifference, but in fact with envy, by Belochka, the cat of Uncle Fedor, a war veteran, from the apartment on the first floor.

The Hunters of the Dormehbase arose, as always, unexpectedly. They usually went around at night. They appeared that morning. Someone was at work, the children at school, the elderly went to receive a pension.
Uncle Fedor shouted to the hunters, “Don’t dare, shit!” But no one listened to him. What can a legless veteran do?
The barbar arrived when it was all over, and the brigadier of the hunters, a healthy child with an eyelid in his ear, threw Borky’s body into a dirty van.

The next day, someone from the neighbors came to the base and brought Bork from there.
He was buried in the forest.

The crown has been sleeping since then. She virtually did not take the food left by the neighbors, but continued to hunt rats with resentment.

On the day the hunters appeared in our yard again, the crown was sitting on the branch.
Apples and watched the process closely.
Out of the cabin came a brigadier. He smiled and, squeezing with a squeeze,
Go to White. But despite the fact that Uncle Fedor screamed that there was strength, she remained in place, as if hypnotized.

The brigadier did not rush to the White and stumbled.
However, it was not time to put her on the white.
At the moment when Lasso made the last pre-starter twist, something fast and black broke out of the apple branch, furiously whispering, with lightning. For another moment, the hunter began to plunge on the spot, holding his ear, shouting non-member-splitting curse. The Barbarian described the circle of honor and sat on the top of the apple tree.
From her flaming beak hanged half her ear with a golden eyelid.

And Warka did not hunt rats anymore. So, sometimes off the window a branch of mimosis will be folded, it will be placed on a small hill that is in the forest, near our outskirts, and it will be laid on the ground, having previously placed the leaves.
Sitting and listening. Would it suddenly come from somewhere the stinking Borkin Lai?

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №153506
You can write a prequel to Anderson's "Snow Queen" - about the development of this character, in the spirit of "Joker".
The impressive Scandinavian teenage girl is very angry at people because their activities lead to global warming.

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №153505
When his eldest son was about 4 years old, he was a classic whychock. A lot of questions in the nonstop mode.  Naturally, it did not go without anatomical topics.

Once in the shower, he asked me why I had more pimples than he had.

I explained that I was older and more than him. My hands, my legs, my body, more and more than he has, including his pitch. He told me that as he grows, he will grow.

This answer was arranged and the topic was closed.

After a while in the same pool, when we wiped after the shower, there was a guy about my height and the same as my set. The son looked closely at me and the neighbor, and then sounded his confusion. There was a loud ringing and ringing in the entire dressing room.

“Daddy, this uncle is the same height as you, but he’s bigger!

Yes, my son, it sometimes happens. It happens.

[ + 26 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №153504
Often in a dispute is not the one who is wrong, but who first understands the meaninglessness of the dispute.

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №153503
of Chelyabinsk. The pre-New Year vanity does not affect the environment. The thirty-tenth century was already hot, but in the middle of the 2000s it was harsh. A girl on a business trip, with a full bowl of expensive cosmetics is wrapped to the address of a friend. The darkness is propelled by a lonely lamp, under which there is not a pharmacy, but a couple of typical puppets with bloodthirsty smiles looking at the girl. The girl dies for a couple of seconds, and then breaking the patterns of the guys with a joyful smile rushes to them.
Guys, I am so glad to have met you. Are you so scared, don’t you take me?! to
A few long seconds of reflection, and one of the guys, already without a smile takes the bow, and the other gallantly puts the elbow. They conducted, brought to the door, and without any quirks met and accompanied from the stop all week.

[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №153502
Did you know that a begemot runs faster than a man on land and swims faster than he in water?
And what of this?
- It turns out that the only chance to win with the beemot in the triathlon is a bicycle.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №153501
Xxx: My childhood friend was forbidden to watch kisses in movies and TV series. She had to turn around in those scenes. If a second she allowed herself to look, her mother spoke "Natasha!!!!" She humbly turned away. I was not forbidden. As a result, she lost her virginity when I hadn’t really thought about your sexes, and I got married in the summer. These prohibitions do not work there.

Yyy: No, well, her boyfriend wanted to kiss, and she reflected.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №153500
The case was tonight. There was nothing to do. I live in the north of England and the people here are gambling. Therefore, all kinds of lotteries, bingo halls, establishments with slot machines (and this is legal here, yes) are very popular places for leisure. I also have a love for gambling. I especially loved going to the bingo halls in England. This is the type of ‘Russian lottery’, but not at home, when you check the numbers in the ticket in front of the TV, and when everything is organized: at 18:00 you go to a huge pavilion, choose a ‘lucky’ (by your own idea) table, buy at the box office your lottery tickets, sit down and the speaker announces what game begins (line-2 line-house) and patiently wait for the victory! When 200-300 people gathered, and some games are held online together with other clubs around the country, chances of winning are small. The prizes are good! So here! I had nothing to do one day (the child is my grandmother, my husband is at work) and I decided to visit the bingo hall. has arrived. The table of luck chose, the tickets bought, the game began. I was definitely not lucky. Even close to a possible victory in at least one of the combinations did not have to think. There are hundreds of people playing at the same time! After an hour of action, being proudly alone, for some reason I was frankly bored and decided it was time to go home. I collected my tickets in a bunch, and there were two more full games left. I think, well not to miss the good - I will give the tickets out to that sad grandfather (his hair and beard were white, like Santa Claus), suddenly he will be lucky in my absence, and I will be happy, even if I do not know about it! I went to my grandfather, I said, say, take my tickets, plus, it is time for me to go home, and you will be more fun. Grandfather did not understand what was required from him at first, but then I explained to him that I was leaving forever and my tickets were his. He took them kindly and we said goodbye. I went to the parking lot to get home on my “carpet”. I go out to the parking lot, here’s the: I’m completely blocked! In other words, it was not possible to actually leave the parking lot. I am standing. I think fucking, do what? Apparently, everyone who has parked is playing bingo... it is now that I am waiting for them all on the street! Until they are done, until they get to the parking lot on their crumbs... I turned, I turned... I think I will go back to the hall, talk to the staff, what to do in this case. I go into the hall... I remind you that there were about 300 people playing in the hall... there is a game... I walk quietly along the wall to not attract attention and not interrupt the tense announcement of the numbers. How suddenly! The grandfather to whom I gave my tickets rushes from his seat (he was very close to me) and says to me, “Girl, GIRL! Your ticket while you left home, HAUS won!!! You know house! Here’s your money, £500 you won, congratulations! To say that I am an officer is to say nothing. To be honest, I was confused by the honesty of a completely strange grandfather, whom I would probably never see again in my life, and who could simply not notice my appearance in the room again. Or pretending not to notice. And he wasn’t the one who noticed me, he also told me that this is my money! Even though I went home! This moment upset me incredibly. I told my grandfather at first that it was unfair on my part, because it was his tickets. My grandfather rejected my version. It annoyed me even more. And then I told my grandfather that my last proposal was to ‘waste’ half the money! After all, it was his honesty and ‘sure’ luck helped me win! Grandpa, though unwilling, but agreed! So I left in the end with a win, although I returned for the car from the parking lot! Daddy also smiled in her mouth, frankly! But I remembered it forever not with a smile first, but with honesty! Since then I have been asking: what would you do in such a situation, for example? When did they gain what belonged to another?

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