— the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!

[ + 22 - ] Comment quote №155570
Xxx: In our school after the ninth grade there were only a few classmates left to study. Everyone wants to get specialized faster. Those who studied poorly went to the PTU, and those who did not go to other educational institutions on the contest - to the evening school.

The class was friendly. No one bothered me, but I only had contact with one classmate. of common interests.

I already met a new team and met several people who studied with me, decided to call a classmate - what he is doing, what he does.

I came early from class, found his number and called on the phone.

It was a long time, I decided to put the phone on, I only hear:

“Hello,” the classmate replied with a not quite ordinary voice.

and hello. Have you slept, right? I immediately asked him.

“Yes,” he replied, “he just got up. I watch TV.

I answered, and we started a normal conversation.

What are you looking there?

News is coming.

Have you watched the dolls?

and no. Once was. I cooked apples tonight.

Where did the apple come from?

brought from the village. 3 bags in a wheelchair.

Is the motorcycle repaired? Who broke the cylinders?

In the factory one carried, and gave him. He owed me. I put it near the house. I go fishing in the evening.

I would go with you, but not for fishing. All night busy.

We were asked a lot, four pairs every day. And they asked. We respond verbally, then in writing. No comparison with school. It was easier to study.

He also told him how he went to the river in the summer, advised something and placed tubes pleased with each other.

They spoke and noted for themselves that over the summer the classmate became quite like a villager. What in the speech, in terms of turnarounds - while in school, was not so noticeable.

Although he met the guys in the group and communicated, and they went to the disco together, but he did not make friendship with anyone - for this he sometimes called a classmate.

and hello.

and hello.

I bought a new magnet. and Osaka. Two sets with lighting. The Japanese. have heard?

and no. The old man is pleased.

What you have.

The Soviet.

Did you go fishing?

In the lake. Oakney caught it.

The season, I answered. I went to the cinema at the disco last week. Do you know?

I have heard. And what there?

The railroads fought.

As usual. And who to whom?

by Zarev.

This has always been the case, said the classmate.

I have met. I danced with a girl. He studied at the Swimsuit School. They agreed that he would come again.

and well. A cute one?

and yes. The hair is light below the shoulder, dressed in fashion. You want to come, too. You will also meet.

I am a chicken in the village. Sometimes now. And I can’t dance.

They laughed. Because really, in the city disco everyone danced as they could.

On the weekend, I went on the street and I see a classmate at the storehouse standing, what he is considering on the window, he wants to buy. I approached him, pushing his elbow. He saw me, was pleased.

and hello. Long time no see what you are doing? What do you do? He immediately asked.

I told him that the girl did not come. At the entrance, the police were guarding, there were few people. Next week we didn’t go. Maybe we will meet again.

A classmate smiled. It looks close to him.

Have you made a chicken in the village? I asked him.

He was surprised.

How do you know about the chicken?

I was talking on the phone with his father. And in their voice and even in their speech they were similar. Not to mention the fun. A classmate told me at school that when the assembly workshop was closed, he moved from slugs to watchers. After the lessons, we went with him to the school library and took books for his father. The classmate began to look at one shelf, and I showed him the other cover. He read the books quickly and ordered again. A librarian praised his classmate and gave him an example to others who had only one record in their subscription.

After school, the classmate went to study in another city, where he missed his home and the village.

He agreed that he would not tell his father anything.

After the meeting to call I stopped "classmate", somehow it was already uncomfortable.

Sometimes I remember someone calling him besides me. After all, he was always happy to call, listened with interest, without interrupting, and himself with pleasure told. Are you still working in the factory? Who brings his books? Or maybe already reading from the tablet, because books can now be found for any taste.

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №155569
X: Well, I have a good relationship. I don't fuck the brains, I love cooking, I don't ask for a shirt, I work myself and I don't want a guy to spend money on me. We take care of each other and raise a common cat. During all our relationship we had only one quarrel, and that for the fucking things of the past. We live soul-in-soul and constantly rush with the hernia (well and play the same games)

No wonder, you are imaginative.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №155568
Just just. My wife clothes the tree, I help morally (I do not disturb or criticize).

Q: Is it normal to hang balls? What else to get?

I: Let’s do without black this year.

* He looks condemning

I: Okay, if you want, hang the black ones.

He smiles condemningly.

[ + 17 - ] Comment quote №155567
When you learn English, you are looking for similarities with Russian, and when you are learning Ukrainian, you are looking for differences.

[ + 34 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №155566
I read somewhere.

During the Soviet era, it was very profitable to import soluble coffee from abroad in banks.

At one point there was a man and a grandmother. We talked to the border. He said he was selling 50 cups of coffee.

Here is Chop, the customs!

“He has half a bowl of coffee!” - put a little grandmother, blowing the righteous anger of the Soviet man against the speculators of the cursed.

...As long as they counted, understood; interrogations-protocols, then-all, the man spied his grandmother with an angry look.

All the smuggling was confiscated. The grandmother closed the door of the coupe and first of all said to the companion: "Wait for me to cheat! “”

And she raised her shelf: “I have 200 cups of coffee here! Half is yours. “”

In a nutshell, she carried out such an operation of distraction to save 200/250=80%, that is, a greater proportion of the total smuggling. Because they would shrink both, and so - only a loss of 50 cans.

Then that man married her daughter.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №155565
Prove that you are not a robot. Write a symphony and create a masterpiece.

Yyy: To prove that you are not a robot, harm another person, or allow a person to be harmed by your inaction.

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №155564
I was on a train from Ukraine to Russia. Border guards and customs officers were lazy walking around the wagons and looking at the documents. My grandmother was driving with me. Someone in the pursuit asked her:

What’s in the bag, grandmother?

- Yes, different herbs collected, take relatives to be treated.

He asked to show and the grandmother pulled out a bunch of carefully packed balls with crushed grass.

The customsman’s eyes burned with fire. He immediately called a reinforcement, asked to delay the departure of the train and began to ask his grandmother what grass was.

Lipa here, salad, cleansed...

The mountains of other names.

20 minutes later, a crowd of border guards and customs officers came in. Then brought the dog. He lazyly smelled the balls and began to lick the eggs.

Look for it! The border guard took him.

The dog once again smelled the bag for sight, swung his mouth into all the gaps in the coupe and looked at people in the pursuit with indiscriminate contempt. It’s like you want me.

The whole crowd with sad faces came out. No one apologized.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №155563
xxx: Friend, don't frost your ass, and don't have to be wise with bottles, like a girl in a video. Just buy for 500r a coat with heating on the seat. Inserted in the smoker. This is the second year that I drive and catch.

YYY: You’re thinking that because you don’t have a bottle to put in.

Zzz: Everyone has a place to put a bottle.

Comrade Major, be calm.

[ + 24 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №155562
I had a very busy case a few years ago. In 2017, it seems that a 55-year-old uncle comes to the city department with an application for fraud. At that time, there was a whole boom with divorces on the phones from the series "your son got into an accident". Well, I think another. But everything turned out to be much more fascinating, the uncle was able to surprise. The case was so. It seems two years before that, they decided with their wife to order a magnetic belt for the back, I do not remember its name and where exactly they saw that advertisement. But the point is that they called and made an order. About 2 weeks later, the "representative" of the store called them back and began to say how untoldly lucky they were - their courier in a work trip, just in the Primorsky Territory (the order was from Moscow) and can come to sell the belt, which "purely by chance" he has with him, but only one. They agreed to meet him on the side of the road before entering the city. He handed them a "panacea for all misfortunes", they paid him 25,000 rubles. Tom went away. Two months later there was the wildest divorce. The investigator called them and asked if they had not acquired the belt so long ago. They answered positively. Then he asked if everything was fine, or we covered the fraudsters group here. They said the truth that the belt did not help, in their opinion it became even slightly worse. (They waited for a deadline, were given to "enjoy" the effect of the miracle of the belt and only then called). Well, the tracker tells them, a lot of victims, the first round of the trial (TUR bl.d., I asked several times, clarified exactly this word. And when he was convinced that it was, he asked whether they had confused the combination of the words Judgment and Tour. It is all standard). So here. "Sledak" tells them, say the amount of payment is something about 250,000 rubles, but you two suffered. They say two of course! He does so you two victims and the amount of compensation is multiplied, that is, half a lam they owe. (Let us omit the fact that on their part only one person can be recognized as a victim.) Something was asked there and all, wait for money. Then it disappears for a few months. Then the "advocate" calls them... let's say Ivanovich and asks if they have received compensation. No money, I am tired of waiting. He answered them, the fact is that three Tours have passed and you have not reached one. Our company is fighting for your rights. Wait to. Here I ask, and why Ivanovich, you are writing a statement on Petrovich (assuming). They answer me, and Ivanovich got to the hospital a year ago, still treated, with something in the heart (released from the campaign). I ask, do you know it from somewhere? They answer, so he himself called us with an ambulance, when he was taken to the hospital, to say that now they will be dealt with by his deputy - Petrovich. And I’m slowing down already, but I clarify, and why you actually took what exactly from soon. They answered that we heard the syrene. (He was on his way, but he was with him.) After N-one amount of time they call Petrovich and says that with the boss trouble. So bad... They burned there for three minutes and Petrovich begins his walk. I told you I gave you money, but only as a certificate (bl...d!) for the payment, but in the amount of 800,000 rubles. Nothing more can be done. Ready to send out at least tomorrow, but you need to compensate for the difference of 300,000, you have half a million damages. And... they are sending 300,000 rubles on the records!!! Another month or two later, Petrovich calls them and says that there was a monstrous mistake, your certificate was taken by the administration of the capital, something was confused. You will be sent an official apology almost for the signature of the president, but the fact remains a fact, but we will do our best, we will defend your rights! The case was transferred to a higher instance (half-final of the campaign). Again, Petrovich disappeared, and a month or a half later he calls again and rejoices: a miracle has happened! The court of the highest instance accepted your side, knocked out the certificate but... already on the lam. You know, how was it next? You have to compensate for the difference!! Another 200,000 are gone. A few more months and... Petrovich calls! And immediately begins - say trouble something happened... In Peter the terrorist act occurred (it was, and according to the news to the whole country showed) all the "free" money the state took to help the victims, payments to them, he could not do anything... They even encouraged him, said everything will be fine, don't worry. And Petrovich worried, money can be more pressed. Time still passes. Again a call from Petrovich, said Evrika! There is a certificate - the entrepreneur was imprisoned. All yours, the data has already been entered into it is yours, now it will not go anywhere, no one will take it, here on the table. With dust, with heat, still smells of the court until now, but... It is 1.5 lams!!! Yes, straight to one and a half. The money went down, the debts went down, and there is another 500,000 needed! And Petrovich presented the situation in such a way that the certificate is already a nominal and no one else will be able to dispose of it, but without compensation for the difference they can not give it. I can’t even imagine how this divorce sounded on the phone on their part, what words they said, how they argued, what arguments they brought. With friends and relatives, borrow money. They are for what? They are on certificate. Are they idiots? You are divorced. These advocate for the health of Ivanovich and Petrovich. At the end of the day, they didn’t collect money and they all went crazy. But the seed of doubt (bl. was seeded. They took a loan and sent money. Yes, it is Pol Lema. And the statement came to write up two months after the date from which they were supposed to receive the money. They were still “feeding” them tomorrow. And while I was there, they continued to hope... the PDC was simple. I am brief. The survey itself, while more or less entering this nonsense, took more than two hours, three A4 sheets were written on both sides. In the course of all this play, they still had calls, then the little money to transfer them, then there the office burned, then they moved, then they were attacked by bandits, then someone had a wedding, they called Ivanovich encouraged him... I listened and quietly covered... not every film has such a script. Honestly, the man, the wife was the same, came true later, I looked at as a real "sagan" who was released from the hospital is unclear why. He and she have a higher education. In almost two years (I don’t know a longer divorce!!!) They’ve spent almost 2 million!!! to

A criminal case was initiated, but without reason, which is not surprising.

There is nothing to add to yourself, apparently no one is insured from this. Do not buy the miracle of the belt on the side.

[ + 25 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №155561
And that everyone on the New Year's Eve burned the mouse of rats in a medical mask. I warned you.

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №155560
As the head of sales and supplies, I had to face a paradox. It’s all the fault of the Catalan. This wire is such, 6mm, burned for the softness and bonding of bags with saw material going for loading into the wagon. It was a deficit. Such a shortage that even the Doctor’s sausage didn’t stand nearby. At least in our production. And all because we needed twenty tons of it a month, and the funds gave only ten. Turn as you want.
That day I sat in the office, stared at the wall and thought. About this same catch. Magadan requested almost a thousand cubic metals of saw material, which is sea freight, overload, three-string requirements, claims and other shit. Where to get this catch. Where is?
Where I could I already took, who should have already forgiven, but that still lacked. I was in panic, but I did not give up. In connection with the enormous overstress, suddenly came the enlightenment.
Where are you looking for, where are you looking for? You are looking where everyone is looking for, and you have to look where no one has been looking and will not be looking.
When the illumination was a little bleaked, I with a shaking hand pulled the phone guide of the area to me.
Bitter, executed, did not touch, may be filled and stopped at kindergarten number one. There was some affair in this, but you have to check, the illumination it just doesn't come.
and allo! I can talk to the headquarters, I called the number as seriously as I could. There they shouted whether Vala or Zina, and a nice female voice also said "allo." Do you have a wire? I said with a slightly overwhelming voice.
It is. - said Val or Zina and it inspired optimism.
The Catana? I kept protecting.
Ordinary whole bowl. How much do you need?
- Yes, I just find out, - without finding any more words, I said and laid the phone. By the idea, it was shit. Why do they have wires in the kindergarten? So why? Not even a catch, but ordinary. The thoughts are confused, but the enlightenment should not be forgotten. And I started to think where this catch can’t be in principle, but it’s there. It was harder for me in any way than for Ivan, who went there without knowing where and brought it without knowing what. Besides that, I had a shipment to Magadan. The first thing that comes to mind is the cement plant. The company is large, one of two for the entire Far East. In principle, what could have been. But can catanka be used somehow in their production. For example, bind a cement. Or even in paper bags. Theoretically, this was not in the head, but in addition to theory, there is also practice. In practice, I’ve seen that it’s time to give up. But I took the risk again. And I picked up the telephone number of the supply department of that same cement factory. Do you have a catch? I immediately took the bull by the horns.
Six or eight millimeters? I asked business at the end.
-I have no difference between the one and the other, I can change the thread for something, - I also immediately translated the conversation into business. It is a pleasure to work with professionals.
Do you have nails? When I found out where I was from and who I was, I was asked a question.
You are full! What do you need? The process went. Everything formed quickly and in the morning I ordered a car from the wagon. Throwing in a crane a couple of tons of nails boxes for 70 and 100. The man who was talking to me on the phone, seeing two tons, just shrugged and widened his hand:
It’s in the warehouse, take as much as you can! There was Everest in the warehouse. From Katana. How far could it be thrown by a local crane.
I loaded her in exposition. The supply waist bended, not giving up on the load capacity of KraZ, and I wanted to shake more. A fight with the driver. He hardly translated the spirit, took a paper with a weight and went to write out a pass. Under the heavy eyes of the crane driver, the driver and the forklift. They couldn’t understand me, so I turned around the corner and started whispering and jumping.
If not a secret, do you have a catch? After drawing up the documents, I asked a colleague. The naked?! to
“Well, we tie her doors to the wagons before putting the seal,” he explained, “thirty kilograms a month goes away. In the order sheet, thirty took for three tons, here every month and the shuttle. We wanted to give it to the metal, and here you are.
And the nails, why? - I did not cease to be interested, suddenly they put their bags with cement to the floor in the cars. We could still change.
- And nail, so we have our departmental housing fund. We have to do repairs there.
-Then you definitely need paint, olive, frame, door and DVP with DSP. Will we change?
of course!
Tom has agreed. I had no problem with the catch for a year. But I think, if then that Val or Zina, said that she has no wire, would I call the cement factory? Where and how does the illumination come from?

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №155559
When my dad learned about the huge queues for the new iPhone, he laughed at me. Because he once waited in line for his fixed phone for 10 years.

[ + 45 - ] Comment quote №155558
He sold the inherited ice. The price is very low, the brand is very popular, used twice. Not a product, but a breastfeeding. At the end, the girl:

Q: Hi, do you sell a ice bucket?

I: Hi yes

D: I will take, only make a discount of *90% of the price of sale

I: If you pay attention, I lowered the price very much, literally yesterday. I just don’t want to give up anymore.

What about a single mom?

I: I’m sorry, but why a lonely mom?

D: I said fucking. He dropped the phone.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №155557
I found an old man in a cushion. and dressed. The seven-year-old daughter said, “Oh! The cockroaches are going well!” He tightened his stomach, pulled out his chest and was proud for half a second, until she said, “To your glasses.”

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №155556
From the height of my life experience I can say: no shit is visible!

[ + 39 - ] Comment quote №155555
Brother is going to marry a terrible girl: tastelessly dressed coloured blonde, graduated from some institute off-site for money, not far away, loves scissors, cosmetics, shopping, dull series, has been working in a call center for several years, no prospects, interests - too. My brother is a smart, decent, educated man, and this is what it is.
I honestly asked him how it went, and he said that he was taken by clever, decent and valuable women. Everything is difficult for them all the time: then there is no mood, then they are tired, then deadline, they give themselves to work, dress up with a needle, sneeze, in their free time go to some training, courses, exhibitions, listen to webinars, want to develop (wherever - unclear). And with this woman it is easy for him, she has no complaints: she came from work, cooked dinner, made a massage, consumed nothing, turned on the TV, then sex without excess breaking. And will want a smart woman, so full of such at work, with them and talk to them in the lunch break.
That is where I thought. I am 34 years old. I am just like in the stories of my brother: the head of the department in the company, I love my job, I give a lot of strength to it, I carefully choose clothes, I read a lot. And I am alone. Men don’t stay for a long time, although I’m cute, with a good character, kind. I think there is a harsh truth in my brother’s words.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №155554
A man asks on his phone:
“Alex, tell me, why don’t I get along with the girls?
He hears in response:
and Siri! My name is Siri, idiot!

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №155553
XXX is yes. I understood. Potato - berry, tomato - berry, cucumbers - berry. What about vegetables?

YYY: Come in the tick and see)

I don’t want to be a vegetable myself.

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №155552
I recently moved from Holland to Germany. I just crossed the border, as a car of customs outputs me, and a manicure, a stunt, with red letters behind me somewhere to the side of the highway. We stopped at an abandoned parking lot. From the car from the driver’s seat comes out a cute blonde in a customs shirt, and from the right door an acne boy, dressed in the same green uniform, but without a cobra on the side.

They approach me. The girl strictly so demands to present documents, and the young man modestly shakes at the right window. Having seen that my papers are okay, and having learned that I am a doctor, the customs officer warms her eyes, smiles gently and is already relaxed, you can say as yours, asks if it is possible to explain his mistakes to the trainee on my example. I agree, of course. It’s nice when such a beautiful woman doesn’t want to break up with you. And the mistakes of others are always interesting, tea, not your own.

"You know, Jürgen," said my hand, "you have managed to get up so that, by shooting at him, she shows me, I can get into you. Get up right!

He looks somewhere through me. and smiles.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №155551
My sister worked in a clothes shop with horses. Baggage of 300k, cravates for 150k, in detail albums for drawing for 50k, regular sheets of paper for 12k rubles, for this store this is the norm.

A man came to them to buy a coat for 800,000. I chose the clothes, sample, liked everything, went to the box office. They break the amount through the terminal, conduct the card, and the payment has not passed, well, the terminal depends and all. Okay, we waited, restarted the terminal, repaid the payment, everything was successful, uncle pleased left. But suddenly, over the course of a day, a check for 800 knives just comes out of the terminal! Yes, that transaction at the hanging of the terminal decided to end.

Girls in the squadron. Well, in addition, a person with a card and a half mult with a tail to write down wrongly. He was called all day in anticipation of a fairy scandal, but the subscriber was not a subscriber. Then I called back the next day:

Good morning, did you call me?

Yes, [username], we apologize, but when buying a coat we took your payment twice! Could you come to us to get the money back?

Are you serious? One minute * checks the account * Oh, girl, and I didn't even notice!

There is no morality in history, it is just a funny case.

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