— the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!

[ + 25 - ] [5 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №159200
In order to understand the shit, it is not necessary to try all its varieties.

[ + 51 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №159199
It happened in Alaska. In the city of Nome, an epidemic of diphtheria began, threatening to kill all children. There was an urgent need for a vaccine that was not available in the city. The vaccine was taken by the owner of the city's best dog stool. On the way back, a purge was caught. The dogs, stressing all their forces, went and went forward. But gradually, weakened, they, one after another, lay in the snow, looking at asking for forgiveness from the owner. He fell out of power and man. Only the leader Balte did not give up. The owner cut off the patches and attached a pack of medicines to the dog's neck. There was no other way out. And the dog seemed to understand it. He no longer thought of himself. He thought only of the dog: Will Balth get to Nome, will he go the rest of the way? The man knew he was going to die, and when he suddenly felt a hot dog tongue on his cheeks, he was sure that it was just nonsense. But it was Balt, who, having delivered the vaccine to the village, brought to the help of the owner of the people. He was weakened, and his legs bleed, but what does it matter if there, in the snow, the owner dies...

[ + 45 - ] Comment quote №159198
The son asks the parents:
- Why are there so many genders in the world, and there are only two doctors for them - a gynecologist and a urologist?
The rest are treated by a psychiatrist.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №159197
There are not as many fools as it seems. They’re just screaming, like jokes in March.

[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №159196
Baranovsky terribly loved to burn students with sparkles.

And he burned, of course, professionally... Sometimes, everyone writes, and he is like a jump! Let’s take a look at the parties! And if he finds something, he is thrilled with joy. The student is expelled. And also loved Baranovsky newspaper to read while students write, or there magazine "Ogonek". He reads, therefore, and sometimes looks closely at the audience.

Well, one day before the exam, the people are sitting for the parties, everywhere else they are sitting, and one comrade is sitting right in front of Baranovsky. They got all the task, they write, they blow, a couple of people have already been expelled, the rest are not afraid to get a sparkle - a towel. The little Fedor Titovich calmed down, sat down, unfolded the newspaper, read. Sometimes on the loud suspicious drops the newspaper and edak on students as he looks! He reads...

Here, the student in the first part shamelessly gets a thick-walled conscript because of the sinuses, unfolds it on the desired page, and puts K Baranovsky on the table! He calmly begins to write. He hears the wrong thing, downloads the newspaper (on the background!) He looks at the student. He writes something to himself, all in the work. Baranovsky picked up the newspaper and read on. The student continues to write. The audience begins to hike. Baranovsky sharply drops the newspaper and looks at the student in focus. and nothing. He stands up, walks around his side, passes through the audience a couple of times. Nothing...

He looks at the parties. and empty. He holds his shoulders and sits behind the newspaper. The student continues to write. A quiet hysteria begins in the audience. The student unwaveringly turns the page of the conscript. Everyone in the audience is crying. Baranovsky throws the newspaper, jumps up and literally searches the student. Of course, he finds nothing. This is repeated several times. Finally, the student with relief unnoticed for Baranovsky (behind the newspaper) hides the conscript back behind the sinuses and gives up his job. Baranovsky cannot stand it.

You have written!
“Well, Fyodor Titovich, as you can... You have seen it yourself.
I haven’t seen it, but I know what you wrote. But how?! to
The guys will confirm...
That is what, young man. Tell me how you got it, and I’ll bet you four.

The student explains. Baranovsky, squeezing his heart, makes a note of “good”...

[ + 44 - ] Comment quote №159195
When I was a child, my father betrayed and didn’t love my family. My parents later divorced. Soon my mother died in a car accident. My brother and I could only live in my grandmother’s old house. My grandmother was an alcoholic. The whole family lived on grandmother’s savings. Grandma recently died. My uncle Andy barely keeps himself out of prison every day. My brother has left the house and no longer talks to us. My father, who is now 73, had to go to work to support his family, and eventually he’ll want me to do the same.
With respect, Prince William

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №159194
Once a long time ago, my father (70 years old) worried that I was alone began to download pictures of questionnaires from some newspaper from the Dating section. And every time I was upset when I said that I didn’t want to write to anyone and especially not to call. We live far from each other, so there is no way to talk face to face.

Well, at some point, I think I’m upset by my father, little. And I wrote to an adult girl (I am not a young man myself) on the electronics she indicated in the ad. It was in June 2021. Yesterday she answered 😁😁😁😁

He put a reminder: “Respond Olga” for June 2024.

[ + 37 - ] Comment quote №159193
Xxx: I have one distant relative who likes to lie. And not to be ashamed of this, but I am sure that lying is very useful to the mind, that it trains wisdom and memory. “To lie so that the interlocutor does not understand it is a great art,” says my relative.

Once he called and said he wanted to run to visit us and that he would be there in an hour. But I didn’t come in a week. My daughter noticed:

He lied so much that we didn’t understand.

[ + 13 - ] Comment quote №159192
The phrase “God is your judge” is usually pronounced by people who have “short hands.”

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №159191
The story of Chrenonymus about an eternally bitter boy who stopped drinking, found a job and for three years an older to chronically sober brigadier at a well-paid job, many critics met extremely unbelievably:

I also don’t remember such a radical resurrection. But here is a similar fate, which I myself was an eyewitness to.

The MDU associate, the most intelligent and kind man, at the age of about 50 went into the deepest drink. He was kicked out of work, colleagues turned away, his wife left, and what he lived there for a while - I do not know. Maybe he bombed. One day he stopped drinking. at all. I woke up and started sending vacancies everywhere. The summary is brilliant, but Moscow is a small city - everyone knows everyone in the university world. From colleagues. Rejection or polite silence.

The nearest place, where he was taken by misunderstanding, turned out to be 9 thousand km away - in Vladivostok, in not the best university. There were some indicators needed for accreditation in terms of the number of publications, scientific publications, etc. Well they took.

When I saw him for the first time, I was terrified – a clearly tested man. If he does not shave for two days and does not wash, a couple of fingers to get - you will not be able to distinguish from the bomz. How to send students to lectures?! to

Members of the Rectorate came to the same opinion. But they gave him a chance before the completion of accreditation or the first new drink.

At first he was loved by the students - he had the talent to conduct his classes clearly and interestingly. Well, in itself, the combination of examined appearance and constant impeccable sobriety caused respect. The students wondered how long it would last.

Then he was loved by a charming single woman, a teacher from another faculty.

Then he was loved even by the Rectorate for his knowledge of foreign languages and the ability to conduct effective negotiations with foreign partners on various issues.

Examining the appearance returned to normal fresh appearance somewhere in a year or two, gradually. I have no idea what was the reason - cosmetic surgery or the usual mechanisms of skin self-repair. In general, a man selected by pity became the pride of the faculty.

Three years later he became one of the main public figures of the university, it became possible to show it to foreign delegations and vigilant parents of students. The appearance is just the advertisement of the HGH, unless it looked 5-7 years older than its age. Strangely enough, even this has benefited the case - in the Far Eastern countries, most rectors and decans are very old people. With him they felt comfortable, like with a real axacal.

Charm, mind, beautiful oral and written language. In any case, Russian and English, I can only judge by them, because I do not know the others. And he knew, three more, and somehow talked to them. He grew up to be a full-fledged professor, citation was overwhelming - he was one of the first in this area to realize that the international composition of co-authors dramatically increased interest in publication.

Per he could have returned to Moscow if it hadn’t been old fame. And the local universities called it in the best conditions. But he preferred to complete a quarter of a century in the same university where he was once believed. He recently died, loved by colleagues and students more than all the rectors, pro-rectors and directors of this university combined.

What caused him to drink in the 90s? The hell knows, I didn’t ask. Per realized his mortality, and that the best years of life are behind. Per I have come to the conclusion of being empty. Hormonal failure or poor food. Anything is a romance with an alcoholic. Or the mourning of the fate of the country as a whole, the time was terrible.

There are thousands of reasons to drink, but there are very rare ways to get out of them. In this case, the professor worked his love - to his new wife, to his work, to communicate with his students. Our world is very mirrored – they answered it the same way.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №159190
Our people do not ride a taxi in the bakery. Our brides from the bakery are brought home by a courier.

[ + 40 - ] Comment quote №159189
With years you begin to realize that achievements are not as important as the absence of losses.

[ + 36 - ] [2 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №159188
Most of all, I am surprised by the behavior of people after landing. In the speakers a voice is heard - the plane has arrived at the destination, a request not to get up from their seats until the final stop and an invitation to exit. Understood Russian language. The same in English.
But every fucks once, only the movement begins to slow down, as people explode, start to grab their bags and jackets. The steward several times asks to stay in his seats, but to persuade the crowd is extremely rare.
And here, they are just standing in the passage, clinging to each other, someone is crushed with the letter zhu, blowing, but standing, endure. After landing, the plane can fly for another 10-15 minutes to the parking lot, but no one will sit. Then the staircase approaches, everyone starts to get out to get on the bus and wait for the rest there for another 10 minutes.
People, what does this give you?

[ + 53 - ] Comment quote №159187
The children watch Discovery about the savannah, I quote: "Many individuals gather at one place once a year for a precious opportunity to get drunk." I was almost overwhelmed... I remembered my corporate New Year’s Day.

[ + 40 - ] Comment quote №159186
Xxx: studied in the gymnasium, from the 9th grade was a mathematic-economic deviation. We were well trained – there were extra lessons and good teachers.

In the 11th grade I had to change school to general school. The material that was studied in 11th grade was at the level of 9th high school, so it was fairly easy for me to solve all math problems. And here is the checklist, I got the results on my hands, I have 4 out of 5. Dialogue with the teacher:

I: And what about Pacquiao?? to

She: Well, I lowered your assessment for the decision.

I: Are the answers to all the tasks correct?

She: Yes they are right.

I: So I’m going to?? to

She: I could not understand the course of your thoughts, my task in the textbook is solved in a different way.

[ + 40 - ] Comment quote №159185
Xxx: Sleeps with the phone, eats with the phone, goes to the toilet too with the phone. When you call, you don’t hear the phone.

[ + 17 - ] Comment quote №159184
Often, the winner is not the one who looks stronger, but the one who simply has no place to retreat.

[ + 42 - ] Comment quote №159183
In 1847, a 24-year-old arrogant capitalist hamster, a descendant nobleman, retired hussar Sergey Lisitsyn stepped onto the deck of a ship under the Andreevsky flag, seeking to get to America. He was accepted in the officer cabin company amicably, but in drunken form spoke boldly to the ship's commander and began to beat the sailors into rebellion. The captain ordered to turn the instigator, tie the eyes and land on the desert shore, with a note.

When the prisoner freed himself from the put and broke the bandage from his eyes, on the horizon he saw a departing ship. The noble captain left him a suitcase with clothes, three pairs of boots, a towel (Ohio Sea is not a tropical ocean), a pair of pistols, a shackle, a hammer, a supply of sugar and tea, a gold pocket clock, a foldable knife, a pud of sweaters, two flags with vodka, clean notebooks, a shackle, a fireplace, a supply of flashbacks and even 200 Havana cigars.

All this was accompanied by an excellent rifle with 26 charges and the note of the ship's commander: "Happy Sergei Petrovich! According to the Maritime Statute, you should be sentenced to death. But for the sake of your youth and your wonderful talents, and most importantly, the good heart I have marked, I give you life... I sincerely wish that loneliness and need correct your unhappy character. Time and reflection will teach you to appreciate my indulgence, and if the fate ever brings us back to what I sincerely desire, we will not encounter enemies. A. of M. »

The nobility of Lisitsyn did nothing by his own hands: in his estate he was served by serfs, in the regiment he was cared for by a day worker. Knowing that the ship was going along the Sea of Okhotsk, he hoped that it was left on one of the crumbs of the Aleutian or Kuril Islands. But he soon realized that his situation was no worse. He was caught by fate in the clutches of two seas. In front of him, the cold Okhotsky Sea blasted, and behind his back the drizzle of the "green sea of taiga". And in it – bears, wolves, rises, poisonous snakes...

In a week "Russian Robinson" arranged a house with a stove, smashed furniture. He made the bow, the bow and the arrows (consciously deciding to guard the ammunition to the rifle). And rightly - in the winter, a hungry wolf squirrel ran into his house - killed eight predators from a rifle in the focus. And before that, he shot a bear, providing himself with a warm shirt and a stock of bear meat. He caught fish, gathered and dried mushrooms.

On April 12, Sergey Lisitsyn walked along the shore, evaluating the consequences of spring storms, and saw a man lying on a thread. Without strength and feelings. It turned out that Vasily, so called the unfortunate, was from a transport that went to Russian America. The boat leaked, everyone fled from it, and he and his son were forgotten. The ship was found nearby. In addition to the 16-year-old boy, there were two shepherds, cats, 8 hillbilly cows, a bull, 16 oxen, 26 sheep, food supplies, tools, seeds of barley and rye, as well as weapons, a telescope, two surveillance tubes, a samovar, a building and gardening tool.

Seven months of loneliness completely wiped out the baron's whole nobility. With such a farm and two more pairs of strong and skilled hands, they not only renewed the house and bathroom over the summer, but also learned to make butter, cream, cheese and cheese. They spotted the field and gathered the harvest of barley and rye. We organized abundant fishing of sea and river fish. We started collecting and processing mushrooms, berries and forest herbs. In other words, a labor community.

In 1857, the writer Alexander Sibyryakov met with the hospitable master of copper and gold stores in Priamurye Sergey Lisitsyn. The deposits of copper ore and gold he once found, being alone. He was appointed by the government and the governor of these lands. Vasily “Friday” was with him. His son studied at the Moscow University.
And at the University of St. Petersburg for Lisitsyn's account, both sons of the ship's commander, who once landed the smith-husar on the desert shore, studied. Becoming a wealthy man, Sergey Lisitsyn found an old man, led him on his last journey and took care of his children.

[ + 41 - ] Comment quote №159182
In my city with snow cleaning work, as usual, the rain was best handled.

[ + 50 - ] Comment quote №159181
Where to look for the second half?? to

Yyy: Try on donating blood.

Obvious advantages: the person is altruistic and did not suffer from syphilis, AIDS and hepatitis.

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