My aunt’s acquaintance after the divorce pulled to the extreme. I decided to jump with a parachute. The first jump is a crack in the spine. A month on anesthetics, jokes "I had to do diving, fool!"

After 6 months call:

I call you from the hospital. I was hit by the scratch!

I was seven, and I considered myself a genius of cooking because of my mother's repeatedly praised ability to cook sausages without burning a pot.



That day I came back from school. My parents didn’t come from work yet, so I could watch TV. He was alone and stood in the most prominent place in the living room. They showed a culinary show.



- To prepare a home caramel is very and very simple, - said the uncle of the host with a smile. He had a very disposable face, you trust him right away. You need sugar, a little water and a pot.



Since it is very simple, I need to cook it, I decided and went to the kitchen. She mixed sugar with water, put it on a strong fire and waited. However, the contents of the pot did not rush to become caramel. I went to the television for explanations.



- The main thing in the preparation of home caramel is the constant mixing, - with a smile explained the good host.



Not a question! I ran to the kitchen, took a tablespoon and boldly swung up with the pot with the intention of mixing everything. At this point, the sugar mass bullied, the spoon obediently entered and froze. Now it could not be pulled out, nothing could be mixed with it either.



How is it? I was upset and ran to ask for advice from a good uncle from the TV.



If your caramel is too thick, don’t be upset. You can always add a little water to it, the good guide explained in detail.



exactly! How did he guess? I ran into the kitchen, poured water and looked carefully inside, whether it was time to mix. The black mass at the bottom under a layer of transparent water was not like the golden caramel from a TV.



What kind of shit? I wanted to get angry, but I didn’t have time. The pot began to black rapidly. In panic, I still guessed to turn off the plate and remove my cooking masterpiece from it. You could now watch the broadcast.



Now that your caramel is ready, you need to wash the pot. To do this, it is enough to pour it with hot water.



I seemed to do everything according to the instructions, but the spoon was still not pulled out. Mom had to come soon. In order not to be caught with my shame, I wrapped the pot together with a spoonful in a bag and, looking shy around, took it to the garbage.



A month later, my mother asked me:

Have you seen a pot in a flower? I don’t remember where I put it.



It’s been more than twenty years, maybe you should tell her?

I was once mocked in the anorexic community — when they claimed that very thin girls are beautiful because the straw allows you to enjoy the natural beauty of female bones, and I offered to cut off the skull to enjoy the beauty of the skull bones.

We lie down with a girlfriend and lazyly discuss her girlfriend’s prompt wedding.

Yes, she had already gone to the ZAGS to file an application yesterday.

Was she alone there? :)

You don’t need to be present in both cases, you just need both passports.

0 0 What?

What is?

- Draste, you printed my photos, and my phone tablet monitor is brighter and more interesting or / - I didn't work well there...

Well, let's see what can be done and if anything - immediately re-print. Everything is ready, you can take it.

Where are the first pictures?

We write them into marriage and destroy them.

But I’m “special” about my photos, they can’t just be destroyed!

Why not?

They need to be burned or buried. In the woods / in the mountains / in the ocean... in a clear day / on a full moon / in Ivanacupalu / Shabash

- For the first time I hear this, we regularly destroy and there were no complaints, but if you still need them, then you can buy them back.

- How to buy it out, they are broken, you will still throw them out... and suddenly someone will find them and ruin me. Give it up, are you sorry?

We will destroy them.

How to destroy?

This is so...

I put the pictures in the shredder and they break down into a bunch of pieces.

Will you take the cuts?

No need anymore! I could give them whole!

Make a decision and accept the consequences.

My friend taught his cat to be afraid of the vacuum cleaner, I don't understand why. He simply put a bowl of cat food and put on a vacuum cleaner. At first it didn’t work very well, but then, over time, the cat got used to and even the opposite resorted to the noise of the vacuum cleaner.
So why am I this? Never ever, you hear? Never try to teach your cat to fear the vacuum cleaner. Now my friend can’t normally dust the room. The cat comes and asks to eat.

In the framework of the import substitution, corruption will be replaced by payroll.

The Prehistory.

When I was four years old, I went to the garden. Sadiq was excellent, departmental from the factory (mama said), at the time it was 1989. My mother worked as an engineer at a large design institute and often went on business trips. My father didn’t like to work, he sought every opportunity and opportunity and he loved to bump.



The story itself.

One day my mother went on a business trip to Moscow, and my father had to take me out of the kindergarten. Usually the hours at 17-18 children started taking. 18 I am sitting, 19 no one has come, the garden is closed, but no one has taken me. There was no phone at home, so I could not contact my parents. Well what to do the teacher leaves the guard her phone, and takes me to her. Unfortunately, I was small and couldn’t understand the reaction of her family when she brought me home. But I was welcomed well, fed, included cartoons, well, I generally stayed there for the night) In the morning the teacher brought me home, and in the evening my mom took me.



And now what I was told much later.

In general, my father went to pick me up, met on the way with former colleagues, decided to drink a beer, talk, then on the water, etc. Well, as usual, when the alkanaft runs to the pit he forgets everything in the world. He had forgotten that a child was waiting for him in the garden. There was only my grandmother at home waiting. 19 hours – no one, 20, 21 hours – no one. Grandma goes to the neighbors, who had a phone, as it is called before the reception in the hotel, contacts with her mother, they find the kindergarten number, there takes the phone of the guard and says that I was taken by the teacher and left her phone. In general, the mother called the teacher, she reassured her that everything was okay, the child ate and slept and tomorrow she will bring him to the kindergarten. Mom picked up a plane ticket, flew home and picked me up in the evening. My father arrived only three days later and didn’t even remember he had to pick me up. As a result, my mother divorced my father, took me out of the kindergarten during my mother's journeys, and my mother's teacher presented perfumes and watches, at those times it was very difficult to get them.

Before I liked the adventure.

I have a large family, we have 5 children, I am the youngest, my all are older than me and my "take-to-take" were sisters. And they always took me sooner to get rid of me and get rid of my affairs. And somehow nothing predicted trouble, but already 6, and nobody is in a hurry to take me. The time is close to 7 and no one else. The year was about 89-90, there are no mobile phones, no one is raising the city. It was decided to take me home. Here we go with the teacher, I am happy, so much time spent on the street, not at home. We come home, we knock at the door, my mother opens and so surprised, “Are you not at home yet?” She apologized to the teacher and pulled me home. Pythagoras got everything. The excuse was that everyone thought that it was not his turn to take and banally forgot about me, and forgot everything and my absence at home did not embarrass anyone. It was very offensive.

And a couple of years later (years 6-7 I was), when I was already walking on the street alone, under the supervision of my mother from the window, I was called home screaming in the window. I knew it was about when it was getting dark. Our company was big in the yard, we were friends and old and young, as they say. And here it started on the street: Katya home, Olya home. I am not all called. It’s already dark and I’m not worried at all. I think I’ve grown up and I know when to go. The older ones are coming home, my name is here. I am an adult and I know when to go. But sitting alone became scary and I drowned home. There is no light anywhere. I walked through the rooms, everyone was sleeping. All the fucking sleep and again forgot about me... I don’t know how I wasn’t lost in the markets at the time.

These are my relatives =)

While studying in the universe, he sometimes bombed at night and, in order not to get bored, took one of his friends with him. One night we go out with a friend and see a man voting at the stop. I stop and ask where he is. A man drunk, but not in shit, calls the neighboring metro station. Assessing the condition of the passenger, I call the price of 300 rubles, I am ready to drop to 200. "Okay, - suspiciously easily agrees the man and the eagle into the nearest bushes, - Valera, sit down, we went!" From the bushes comes Valera, due to the severe degree of intoxication, hereinafter called the Body. The man sits the Body on the back seat, pays off with me, gives a promising suggestion: “Valera, don’t blame!” And we are going on our short, but emotional and odor-filled journey. All 10 minutes of the way, the body told something about the difficult fate of the car service slug, diagnosed the car (this is Ziguli - there is something grimps all the time) and unbearably smelled of drunk alcohol-containing liquids.

Naturally, when Body left the salon, I turned to inspect the rear seats and found on the floor a note worth 1000 rubles.

I have to give it, I said.

Are you completely squeezed? ! to My girlfriend was surprised. That is a coward!

Well and what? It’s not my money, I have to give it back. Do you see where he went?

That, fucking, a thousand rubles, you earned less in the whole night. And he will scratch them anyway. Where to look for him now? ! to They tried to shake me for a moment, but unsuccessfully. “Blacha, I’ve gone somewhere for those shells,” said Natasha and went to look for the Body.

A few minutes later, she said, “Are you happy? ! to I am carrying your grabbed knot at night among the larvae!” “Get stuck! Get stuck!” I was able to think, but a body came out of the dark. Loudly and obsessively expressing his gratitude, the Body splashed on the back seat: “Are you, fucking, serious? Did you give me the money I lost? ! to Are you completely moved? Fuck, I’t remember them! No guys, you are honest! It’s cool, hold it up!” “My body put a thousand rubles in my hand, thought for a second and, having overcome some doubts about our mental abilities, added to it another 500 rubles, then got out of the car and fled in the dark. “To shake!” My friend said.

Hopefully, Valera did not regret afterwards that he "doed" drunk. I did not regret.