told a friend.
Recently our theater was on a trip in the area. I was driving a peanut. played the show. All tired, Cinderella is something nervous, speaking in elevated tones. We remain silent so as not to fall under distribution. Then the maid calmly asks:
What are you doing, Cinderella? Do you want a bucket?

Mother gave the Minister of Agriculture Tkachev half a billion rubles, which he indicated in his declaration. Mother gave the minister half a billion!
This is all because Alexander Nikolaevich wore a hat and ate cabbage!

Mice are good at cheese, but badly at mouse flips.

Tickets number one
I think everyone dreamed of getting their first ticket at the exam. He was known even by the most emphatic twins.
I pulled him out several times. And not accidentally. In what way?
I studied well, but not well. Because of behavior. It suffered from a talkative tongue and sheep you know where (approximate behavior - 2 times in 10 years, once - broke my leg, 2 months gips, then crumbled, run no; the second - accidentally put me someone else's example, did not start to correct). was distracted.
But the exam is holy, only in 5++. A great student awoke in me. I prepared very hard. The exams were held every year, starting from the fifth grade. In the eighth grade – four, in the tenth – eight.
The fifth class. The Mathematics. Twenty some got, everything was brilliant, great, five, but the nerves, nerves went away...
In the sixth grade I was the first to draw a ticket. Not to shake in vain. Voila, His Majesty the First!
All envelopes are snow-white, perfectly flat, like fresh snow, only on one either slightly blurred or muddy. He was different, but he was different. He took it, he broke out of the row, ruined the picture. My first...
Everything went great. But I thought. (I am 12 years old) In memory: the soundtrack enters, a pack of envelopes in the hand, the top, naturally, is pressed with the thumb. from him trace. of logic? It is logical!
So I picked up my first tickets until the end of school. Only once did someone get before me. Exams are held once a year and teachers are different. No one understood.
I have always been preparing for the exams, honestly!!! to

Since the treasures of the Pharaohs have not yet been found, the Jews left Egypt not empty-handed.

Today I was walking on the street, in the pocket of my jacket lay a thousand (like). He was already approaching the store, the boy runs up and asks, "Did you drop the money?" I have 1000 in my hands. I look in my pockets, I really lost it. Even though it seemed to me for a moment, I put it in my wallet. Oh well okay. I take 1000 from the boy’s hand (which was not worth doing), I express my gratitude and I leave.

Here his parents run to me and say that I have taken a thousand from their boy's hands, which he supposedly asked to exchange. I tell them that nothing like that, that it is my thousand and I lost it, and the boy found it and gave it. They didn’t even want to listen. They said there was a camera. We will see there. There I was a little panicked because a thousand really took out of the boy’s hands, but we were both with smiling faces that had to prove my innocence. Type is honest. But the parents immediately said, give 5000 for moral damage + 1000 that you stole and we will break up. Well actually everything became clear, even the cameras do not want to watch, and especially to call the police, which I insisted on. When we went to the store where there were cameras, I started calling the police, and they were like ripping up trying to pull a thousand out of the pocket. They did not succeed, but they fled. I took a wallet to put a thousand, and there is mine. by LOL. He accidentally divorced.

Recently I fought over a question asked by my student: how to join a team?

On the one hand, everything is simple: you have to be interesting. You can better know the preferences of people to communicate with and adjust to them. But only if you really share those preferences.

On the other hand, the collective does not need to be incorporated, it needs to be created. This is evident in romantic relationships. If you choose to “trick” in, you need to pursue the interests of others at the expense of your own. I’ve already written about people who are trying to “buy” love in these ways and what’s out of it.

It may sound strange, but long-term relationships—work, friendship, or romance—are built around you. That is, you need to look for those who will not be afraid to take dignity in a coupe with shortcomings and appreciate their combination. You do not need to invent a bicycle. Valuable qualities have not changed for thousands of years. Very well wrote about this Zhenetsky:

And the values remain the same: honesty, decency, the shoulders of a child, a conversation with the smart, silence with him, guests from far away, cycades at night, the morning smell of the garden, the silent walk of a cat, books that give the opportunity to live not here, and normal friendship when both do not need anything.

It turns out, the one who is afraid to be himself is surrounded by people who will never be interesting to him.

The case was in the early 2000s. I, a student, was very lacking the scholarship of 225 rubles 40 kopecks. We decide with a friend-one-groupman to "cut the bubble" so that then "nothing to refuse." Internet job search portals were not observed at the time, so we sat down then, opened one popular thick magazine and started looking for a job.

Stopped on some loath proposal, which did not require specific skills and was a free schedule. Transportation to another part of the city.

The first thing surprised the employer's "office"... was the room of the former kindergarten, in which the cabinets were rented. Inside us met all the same remnants of the Soviet time - very rare furniture in the cabinets and lighting as in the "landlake", it was possible to count the twists on the incandescent lamp.

We found the desired office. We enter. They said goodbye and said they came for an interview. And here we were waiting for the first surprise - we were taken to interviews in different offices...

My friend stayed in the reception room, and I was invited to the next adjacent office.

There is the same picture: a table, two chairs, an empty closet, no curtains on the windows... and still on the walls posters of handcraft, which carefully told about how "The best employee of the last quarter rested with his family in Egypt" and in the middle of all this writing from the hand was glued a photo describing the title. On the other wall hanged some "postulates of a successful man"... also written by hand with colorful flormasters.

I sit down. Looking to be successful...

Hello again, call me! “No, I’m the senior manager... I’m going to interview you. I am now recruiting people to my team, successful and prosperous... You want to be successful, drive abroad, move on a expensive car... Tell me what kind of work you don’t like, what would you never want to do?

After a long thought, I give you an answer.

- I would never want to walk in the entrances, apartments, to pair up people unnecessary things, such as pots, brushes, toothbrushes and other lobes (it must be said that such sales were only in the germ at the time)

I hear the answer:

Then you don’t fit us...we’re doing just that!

The curtain. the exit.

I have a friend. The Marine Special Forces. Thro the bag. Starting from urgent and up to retirement. It does not hurry.

He was sent to a hospital with bronchi. The hospital is in the suburb of Moscow and travel long and boring.

He calls in the morning, “I,” he says, “broke my cup of tea. Bring me a new one.”

Riding lazy, and I realize that he is actually just boring.

The result:

To carry her? You have to give it to the police!

Oh yeah yeah!

and seriously. Go to your doctor now and tell you that you have a bowl of Esmarch. She is just unbeaten. If they refuse, then demand, say what is due. And free of charge.



Here, a normal person would recall the doctor, but there is no need to go to the doctor's office.



Well, as I understood, in the doctor's office, doctors whispered like moderns, and I will soon be discharged from the injury.

Collie worked with me in the same company. Every conversation begins with the phrase:

Do you still work in %companyname%?

And every time I came up with new fun answers. And every time differently: “Of course. Where do I get off the submarine? with your prayers.” and etc. etc.

The time went by, Cole retired from there and changed several jobs, and I still worked for that firm and responded accordingly.

Five years later, after a long silence, he found me in VK.

Do you still work in %companyname%?

I didn’t want to come up with answers, so I answered simply:

You are gone, Cole.

But he was not upset, he even rejoiced.

God, at last it is. I thought you would never send.

I think every photographer has had a blind shot in his life, no matter how cool he is.

I also had such a story.

It was at the dawn of digital photography, before that I had been working as a photographer for many years, but in the number I made only the first steps. I bought my first digital camera, and slowly began to move from film to digital.

There was a rather unusual order - to remove the wedding to the sectarians, I do not remember which specific sect, but it does not matter. The sect consisted of all - newlyweds, their parents, guests. Everything went routinely and boring - registration, wedding, a modest feast without alcohol...

Upon returning home, I connected the camera to the computer to take photos, and then my old and poor computer broke up — it slapped and hanged dead.

I restart, connect the camera again - and the flash is empty! In what way, when the computer stumbled, the flash already connected to it through the camera turned out to be formatted! How this happened I still have no idea.

I was in shock and hysterical. It is now I know several programs to recover remote information from carriers, and then I did not have any idea about their existence, I did not even have the internet, lived in a strange city - neither acquaintances nor connections among knowledgeable people. Recovering what was lost at the time was not possible.

As a result, it was decided to give up to the customer, return the money, and offer them a free photo session as a compensation.

appointed a meeting.

The father of one of the newlyweds came to meet.

He told him everything as a confession, gave him money.

I expected anything – screams, curses, promises of God’s punishment, but not that.

Hearing me, the man said, "God gave, God took," took the money, turned and left, without saying a single word.

I never saw them again, they never turned to me during the photo session.

They learn from mistakes.

Since then, in order to avoid the repetition of this, as they say, unprecedented measures were taken - first I replaced the computer, replaced the camera with a new one, only appeared then, with the possibility of backing up when shooting at once on two flash drives. Memory cards were also replaced, with expensive reliable ones with a lifetime guarantee. All photos are stored on two different hard disks. And once these precautions saved me, when the hard drive died, but not a single photo was lost.

When I just got to work, the organization was headed by a very serious director, I honestly feared him. What happened, everyone was afraid of him.

And here among the youth of the firm (graduate students), including me, one comrade went on promotion and became the boss of all this youth.

And here I dreamed of a funny dream, which I told colleagues the next day and, in particular, this comrade (let username). From the first person.



I stop in the morning and wait for the bus as usual. Here I see, the director's office car brakes (he was driving with a personal driver), the glass drops down and he smiles so well to me and says - What are you standing here? Let me go to work, sit down. Well, it is unusual for me to see him like this, more often he insulted his subordinates for one or another piece, but I sit down, ok. We go with him, he tells me that soon the ZP will raise me (young man then in the firm badly received). He tells me what prospects open up in front of me, that he noticed me that I am an intelligent guy and I will soon become the boss. But there is one thing - before that, you need to get to know him more closely. (At this point the story username begins to roar in the voice, and I continue to tell)

“No, director, I can’t do that. Very bad, heartless7, very bad. Username has agreed. (In this place the username suddenly stops roasting, but starts roasting everything)



After the Director's son has not been there for a long time, the comrade became the boss more seriously, but he has not been spoiled, friends with him so far.

There was a case, took a practitioner (p). It is untouchable. One of the engineers replied:

Q: Are you a practitioner?

P is a trainee.

A: Who is in the profession?

A: The programmer...

(Beyond passes the bearded uncle (d), and throws carelessly)

A: You have to deserve it. You are just a grammarist.

P: Yeah, and who is that?

and: (deep breath) and this is our “tector”

P is? ? to ? to In the sense of “pro” – “tector”? ? to ? to

and: no... in the sense of “archy” – “tector”. Though you are partly right, Gandalf is still the one.

History of three years. July of 2015.

We got married literally yesterday. Late in the evening we return by car from the other end of the area (about 400 km). The trunk is filled with all kinds of gifts, cards, ribbons, and the back seat is completely filled with flowers. We go carefully, because the husband managed to forget the rights, and a bunch of passport. According to all the laws of evil, we are stopped by the DPS. The documents on the car showed and we long pretended that we are looking for rights.

Okay, I seem to have forgotten it at home. What is the punishment for this now?

Well, in the base you have to check first, suddenly you do not have them at all. (This is the second police officer.) Give me a passport, let’s look at the base.

I forgot my passport at home.

Give me any documents!

I, sitting on the passenger seat, realize that we have only one document with us: a fresh certificate of marriage.

Somehow, in all the hollow of the luggage, we find it, the DPS both read and smile. They discussed something on the side and said:

Go out! Happy life and flowers to your wife!



You would never have thought that a marriage certificate could be used instead of a driver's license or a pastor! Dear police officers, thank you! and :)

Ten years ago we all had an aska on our phones. We raced to install animated smiley, all-seeing eyes, anti-spam and so on. With the help of smiley, poems were written, with the help of the all-seeing Eye you could see those who are on the network, but are hiding... With the help of this same Eye you could see who is knocking on you, and how it goes through anti-spam.

Actually the history. I see a cute creature aged 15-16 knocking at me (I was 24 at the time, and I was not interested in getting to know her). My anti-spam question was simpler than simple - "how many will be five plus six, I will write the answer." (The standard question was – how is the planet we live on called.) The victim of education did not understand what the "writing" was and wrote "11". It didn’t work out... The second attempt was to “unify”. Again by the way. Gathered, and from the last forces issued - "one over the cattle"!!! We have never met...

For money and jewelry you can buy any product of labor. It is important that there are people who have produced this product. Money and jewelry are nothing.

In the autumn of 1963, Steinbeck and his wife visited Moscow, Kiev, Leningrad and Tbilisi.

Vladimir Pozner in a preface to the Russian edition of the American writer John Steinbeck's "Russian Diary" told such a story related to this trip.

By that time, he had a lush red beard (which is important for this case). Here is what he told me:

I went to the restaurant to see what they were selling. While I was standing, a man approached me and began to talk. Well, I don’t know a word in Russian, and he understood, put one finger out and said, “Ruble, ruble!” I knew he needed a ruble. I gave him. He put out his hand, said, stand, went somewhere, very quickly returned with a bottle of vodka, made a sign for me to follow him. They walked out of the store, entered some entrance, there was another person waiting for him. He pulled the glass out of his pocket, this cleverly opened the bottle, poured the glass to the edges, without piercing a drop, raised it, like a salutation, and drank a ballot. He licked and gave me. I followed his example. Then he poured out the third, and he drank. Then he puts out his finger again and says, “Rubble!” I gave him, he jumped out of the entrance and three minutes later came back with the bottle. Well, we repeated the whole procedure and broke up with our best friends. I went out, thought badly, sat on the side. Here comes your policeman and begins to say something to me. You cannot sit on the side. I stood up and told him the only sentence I learned in Russian: “I’m an American writer.” He looked at me, smiled in his whole face and rushed to embrace me, shouting “Hemingway!!!”. Your country is the only country where the police read Hemingway.”

Putin ordered to attract the best scientists to the country. The Prosecutor’s Office and the Investigative Committee are now trying to figure out which article.

In the corridor we left for a couple of days sacks with sand concrete for the dacha. The passage was not obstructed, and the dust that fell from them was washed off with my pencil immediately.

7:55 on the door.

A neighbor from our house, but we do not know from which floor.

S is Are you doing repairs?

I am. No is

S is Are these your bags?

I am. Are they disturbing?

S is and no. You have a repair! ? to

I am. and no.

S is Are these your bags? My batteries are cold.

I am. – to? ? to ? to and now. (I think you have a fox brain cold help than I can, touched our batteries - really cold.)

I have too. Maybe something happened at night. I need to call the UK.

S is Maybe maybe. Do you have repairs?

I am. is not...

S is These are your bags, right?

I am. “Madame, 8 in the morning, what specifically you want from me. We are not doing repairs. I am not responsible for the heat of the battery.

S is I wanted to know if these are your bags.

I am. and ours. This is for giving. Are they disturbing you? Remove the car like this.

S is They do not interfere. I am from the other floor. If these are your bags, do you also have repairs?

I am. No, I have already explained to you.

S is If not at you.

I am. This is so.

S is But the bags are... bags!

Worse than tolerance, only tolerance.