My father told. History of Soviet life.

I went to a cafe with friends. I decided to take 100 grams of cognac. Their five. They approach the “stand”.

The first ordered 100 grams of "black tail".

The bartender opens a new bottle, pouring into a measuring glass of cognac. It measures 100 ml. Stir into a glass.

This is repeated with each of the five. The last man sees that after the bartender measured 100 ml in the measuring container, there was another 2 cm of cognac left in the bottle.

Is it how?

“Somehow,” replied the bartender and removed the bottle from his eyes.

At the age of 30 - or sport, or vodka and dishonor
At the age of 40 - or vodka or scratch
After 50 years, there is no alternative to vodka.

Do you speak English?

They say that in America, the police are starting to shoot. I do not agree. And here is why. I have a friend of Pete. And he has a wife, Mila, whom everyone calls Mila-Pila. When this Petya came to America with his Pila, he bought a car before he learned English. And then I invite them to me for a vacation. I explain in pure Russian: "Peta, you go out on the 280th, it goes on the 80th, on the 284th exit you go out and call me, I pick you up." And I add, “Always focus on the sign ‘Remove’. If anyone has not understood, this is a landscape.
Where Petya moved on 287 and went in the opposite direction - to the south, I didn't understand, but now it doesn't matter. And here he goes and goes, he goes and goes, and there are no “Pokono” signs.
Two hours later, his Mila turns on her pile: "How could you not take the card? How could I not know where to go? How could I contact such an idiot? “God, how could I get into that?”
Then Petya thinks, "We need to go faster, because at this speed it will disperse me before we get to these Pokono."
He presses the gas and drives for five minutes – no more, because a mint appears behind him with its light music and demands to stop. Petya, a new immigrant with old habits, grabs his wallet and runs to the mint. He calmly gets his gun and says that if Petya doesn’t sit back in his car now, he will kill him.
Petya not so much by words, as by gestures, understands that they are not joking with him and returns to his car.
Mint hides a gun, comes out of the car, approaches Petty and says, “Give me your driver’s license” and points to the wallet. Petya again understands everything in her own way and gets $100 from her wallet. Mint says to him, “If you intend to give me not a driver’s license, but a bribe at work, then I’ll put these bracelets on you.” He shows him his handcuffs.
Mila, who also doesn’t understand why Mint refuses $100, asks, “Pete, what does he want from you?”
Peter replied, “I don’t know. Can I give him 200?”
Mila says, “My God, why did I contact such an idiot? If you don’t know how much it costs, find out with him.”
“Why am I an idiot? Pete is surprised again. “Just when they show me that gun or handcuffs, I’m a little nervous.”
“So stop being nervous and find out!” says Mila.
“Okay, I’ll find out now! – says Petya, then turns to the mint and, as he was taught in English courses, says, “Hello, do you speak English?”
Mint surprised: “Do you have a spike English?“!”
Peter said to him, “Yes, yo! Do you speak English?”
Mint is completely confused because he doesn’t know any other languages besides English.
Mila says, “I think he’s just as stupid as you are! Oh my God, how I went into it!”
Ment, meanwhile, recovers, hides a gun and says to Pete:
“Okay, where do you go, dude?”
“I’m Petya,” replies Petya, as he was taught at the courses. What is your name?”
Mint, without answering Pete’s question, takes his phone, looks at the last number he was calling and calls me.
“Hello,” he says, “I’m a police officer, you don’t know Petya by chance?”
I honestly say that Petya is well known to me, and since I was a child.
“That is wonderful! Mente says. “Then answer me this question: Does your friend suffer from any mental illness?”
I answer, say no, it does not suffer. “Maybe he recently suffered some serious psychological trauma?” continues Mente.
“Petta suffered a severe psychological trauma 30 years ago when he married the woman who is now sitting on his right. But judging by the fact that he has not suffocated her yet, he is in excellent psychological shape.”
“I understand it like no one else,” Mente thinks.
“He just didn’t have time to learn English yet,” I add. “Here are all the problems.”
“So where are you waiting for him?” asks Mint, and I explain where.
And then Mint stands in front of Petina's car and carries him with a flash a hundred miles to the 284th exit, where he passes it to me, as they say, from hand to hand.
Already in the country, I explain to Pete that we in America with mints need to be more careful, because they can be shot on the spot.
“I say he’s an idiot,” says Mila.
“Why?” I do not understand.
"Because no intelligent person will travel 100 miles to help a pet like mine if he can shoot him on the spot and not have that headache!"

At the Vexelbergs with deripasks, they are oppressed by Americans. And the offended immediately rushed to swear aid from the state. Strange... For some reason we don’t hear the indulgence “Money is not, but you stick.” Wishing you a good mood...

I remembered when I once talked. As a lieutenant of the armed forces, I often communicated with one major in service, I was 23 to 43. Ordinary fat, bald, major in glasses. On one of the evenings at the airfield, he showed photos from his tablet, leaving the next one - on the screen appeared a slender girl, light long hair, slim legs in shorts, a snow-white smile, the shortest airplane. I ask :

Who is this?

How who? My daughter too.

Here a joke flashes my head, about the fact that he is a fat man in his glasses, and she is a model, I say the following:

My daughter, I didn’t look at you.

He already swung his eyebrows so strongly that the folds formed from the eyebrows to the back of the neck:

In other words, not me?! to

The joke burned, I wanted to fall under the ground, but my mouth said:

She has long hair.

Major laughed, and I exhaled, since then I have tried not to joke about the appearance of others.