When I was a student, I had a disgust for children. Especially small. Orut, whisper, get up at night, change the diapers... Uzhos, shorter! I never wanted children. And I was so angry when these “mothers!” They take them with them to restaurants and especially on the plane... I married a careerist like myself. No, she didn’t mind for a while, but then her career went away. There is an advantage “without children”. We looked at the world, the apartment, two cars. Money – really not lying – I didn’t count. Just took the morning from half a centimeter on the shelf and went to work. Then they divorced... My mother said to me, “It’s because you don’t have children. Each for himself. She earns money, and you’re not fucking from the mountain either. The wife should sit at home. She has another job.” I then did not give importance, I kept silent as my son was supposed to... Four years have passed, we and the ex call together sometimes. During the holidays or dr. And she has already changed custodians to Fig, and I am not a monk either. There is no happiness. In the personal! Only in private! Everything is broken. She tried to get pregnant, "for herself", and it's all right... She's 38, in principle, with our medicine. And the doctors said late, woman, run away! You have the body you needed before. He calls me drunk. It’s all my fault, shit! Except for me no one... I say, you calm down, you have a man who loves, a job, a career... It is for me: he needed children! It is all you! As the saying goes, “You get married, fool! Otherwise, no one will be blamed.” I am alive, I am not in trouble. His business, in May forty-year-old has gone beautifully. And yesterday...
An important contractor comes to me, with my daughter. I don’t know, maybe four years. “Sorry, I’m not alone here.” Forget the question. Not good and okay. And we stand discussing issues, emotionally dividing our hands showing what and how. And I lower my hand, and I feel somebody has taken me with a small palm. I lower my eyes - and the daughter turned her head, my office looks around and just accidentally took my hand...
To say that I was struck by lightning, that a truck fell on me, or that angels caught me, that sheep, that sheep, and not just carried, but thrown somewhere into the clouds – it is nothing to say... I can’t pick up words... The warmth of this palm, which clamps my hand tightly. And that moment until she realized that I wasn’t a dad.
The moment lasted two seconds, probably. When they left, I sat down at the table, got a cognac and thought. Maybe I’ve been wrong all my life. One cup weighs the whole world. With trips, serpentines, mountains, beaches, Hollywood. And on the other cup, the children, the dacha, the dog, the dissatisfied and forever tired wife. I have no answer to this question, thank you for reading until the end.