not mine

The Navy is not a joke for you.

Excerpts from the statements of one of the Russian admirals, Radzevsky Gennady Antonovich, commander of the 7th operational squadron of the Northern Fleet.
These little ugliness that make the life of any commander unbearable, but insanely interesting, we officers of the headquarters must constantly implement.
• You should not shyly stretch your coat on your knees, comrade captain of the 1st rank, when you came for help to a venereologist. Tell me how you managed from such a good and necessary business as receiving a chief delegation, to arrange a drunk orgy with trips on a command boat through the winter bay with preventive grenade casting?
Unfortunately, the level of general education of the majority of ship commanders does not allow them not only to read the command decision made by the most cowardly subordinates for the naval battle, but also to correctly put the undetermined article "b...d" in the phrase "Who is the last for vodka".
When I begin to treat the commanders of the cruisers with proletarian ruthlessness, they immediately begin to break the Japanese tragedy before me: the father is a rixha, the mother is a geisha, the son is Moses, and we are the innocent.
• Our commanders have no knowledge, so they will have to be allowed to independently manage the ships, and they will dry their sweaters and prepare for prison.
If a famous actress is no longer said to be b...d, it means that she is losing popularity. If the commander of the ship subordinates in conversation with each other at least sometimes do not call a fool, it means that it is time to remove him from office.
And the former commander of the RCR "Marshal Ustinov" all he could do - already done: the cruiser collapsed, he made friends with the St. Petersburg militiamen, entered the academy, the apartment at the state by illegal methods. So I don’t have to comment on all the merits of this amazing man.
What really pleases me is that most of our ship commanders can be trusted in the event of a global missile-nuclear war. None of them will go crazy, because for that you need to at least have it.
And you are the chief of staff of the brigade, gather your cheeks in your fist and, not breathing, with desire write down my smart thoughts, and at the end, when I finish, you can whisper - allow, Comrade Vice-Admiral, not one training to schedule - but four.
I was literally stunned when when I tried to personally call the commander of Russia’s largest combat ship, I stumbled onto an auto-responder. Commander of the division, remember literally, then pass on to this disgraced person - it's about such people as him, in the people there is a fraction: "I'm a sweetheart all night, I couldn't find anything. Dear car respondent, tell me he’s a fool.”
If the ship's commander is called on the carpet in the morning, tell him everything we think about him - a dreadful thing, then on the rise of the Naval Flag he runs extremely inspired, with a glow in the eyes and a determined desire to share his emotional rise with his subordinates.
You, of course, apologize to me, comrades officers, but I can’t help but share the pain. Here, to me at the reception came to share his personal tragedy a young wife of one of our starpoms. On the side, it appears, quite a decent officer, and the service organized quite decently, and in fact, a premature - can not deliver the seed to the house without splashing on the road.
Any ship commander only deserves respect when he is able to make the lives of his subordinates unbearable.
Honestly, I am sometimes ashamed when I hear the speeches of some reckless commanders of the ships, who hit the "pip" of the five-watt broadcast microphone on the upper deck. They have no word, it is a disgusting motherland. Just like children are small.
Commander of the division, if you now need to stretch any of the commanders of the ships, then you have five minutes - do not have to restrain the souls of beautiful impulses. If necessary, I am ready to turn.
There are people who until the age of 3 did not know how to hold the head, everyone around said that he was about to die, and they not only survived, but also commanded the cruisers to the enemies for joy, and to us - for sorrow.
Can he who has been sent far go? Until the nearest cabbage. It was there that the commander of the garrison detained the senior officer of the operational department of the squadron, Captain 2 of the rank Davidenko, whom I expelled from the service meeting 50 minutes earlier for a disgusting, three-day barking. One thing is pleasant – at least he had time to shave. Eating and eating, too.
Well, you, comrade captain of the 3rd rank, as an institute-smolyan, red and mourn before the card, trying to squeeze something complainingly? Didn’t older comrades tell you that a real man is ashamed only twice in his life? The first time you can’t do it the second time, and the second time you can’t do it the first time.
An honest child loves not mom and dad, but tubes with cream. An honest sailor does not want to serve, but to sleep. He must be forced into service.
And after all this exhausting and monotonous work, the client begins to get used to the thought that the money will have to be given. But after all, the client used to the other, used to it massively, unscathedly, with enthusiasm.
The fearless sailor is placed to the disgrace, it is a potential criminal, a future killer and a rapist.
Remember, comrades officers, in order to do nothing, you have to be able to do everything.
If the boss allows his subordinates to say everything they think, they will soon learn to think.
• Before presenting to your subordinates any good thought, they must necessarily be shaken and shaken by something, and preferably by something more important. So that they temporarily lost the ability to think thoughtlessly about the meaning of what was said from the painful shock. And if this procedure is repeated periodically, then the honorary status of a skilled leader is guaranteed to you for life.
• Behind all the negative phenomena on ships are usually normal people whose activities are not controlled by the command.
Who does not yet understand that chastity is the most unnatural sexual perversion and that a virgin officer is unable to adequately penetrate the nuances of naval service.
And your small-size notebooks, which can fit two or three condoms and three or four addresses of lighthearted women, leave them at home, comrades officers, securely hiding them from wives to avoid provocative questions. And in the service, you all have to use an accounted, numbered, prolonged and attached mastic printed wide-format workbook.
And all the facts that lament the soul must be carefully collected, competently generalized, thoughtfully analyzed, and - with the most glamorous, with special cynicism, boldness and rigidity of penetration. Humanism and humanity in the matter ofining combat readiness are criminal things by definition.
You, comrade captain of the 2nd rank, differ from the child only in the size of the reproductive organs and the ability to eat vodka in unlimited sizes.
It is long time to remember that every undisciplined sailor, planning a spontaneous departure with a drunkard on the shore, will know in advance: who will stand on duty on the ship; who will be a guard officer; who will remain the eldest; who will be the provider; who will be taken from the command; who will be beaten. And if there is one weak link in this chain - drunkenness is possible, and if several - it is inevitable.
Nevertheless, I remained satisfied with the results of the control check of the course of preparation of our AMG (aircraft carrier multi-purpose group) for the performance of upcoming combat tasks, which was done to us by the Chief of the Navy with a punitive squad of loyal nukers from the Headquarters. Lost illusions are also a valuable acquisition.
And with the figures detained driving in a drunk state, comrade chief of the staff department, it is necessary to deal very thoroughly and necessarily - with the involvement of an independent commission. So that they do not run through the ships with their eyes blown up and overwhelm the International Commission on Human Rights of the United Nations with numerous complaints that they have, say, eight children stuck in the shops and money for a bottle of beer is not enough.
If you have a half-head hole, and you are not able to remember even the multiplication table, then hire a half-stage secretary to write everything for you. But only - scary and without legs, so as not to be distracted from the duty of military service, surrendering to sexual dreams.
Today is Saturday, tomorrow is Sunday, fucking want to work.
They write to us a lot... We will be destroyed by universal literacy.
The stomach is to pull, hang, speak smart and well-understood to the superior command beautiful words in rubbed phrases.
If a sailor is thoughtlessly rejoicing in life, then I am alarmed until the smile slowly slips from his face.
The tanks of the clowns do not push, I will not even talk to you, comrade captain of the 3rd rank.
• I, of course, is pleasant to open your eyes to the world, to tell about something new and fascinating, awakening at the same time your intriguing naval mind, but I am not a travelling lecturer of the society "Knowledge", I am a prominent representative of the great Inquisition and can hurt everyone at once.
Don’t forget, if I go there, it will be a trip through your bodies in a tank with small goats to make it hurt.
• When I was a commander, then on Mondays, I personally, for 45 minutes, during the course of strike classes, trained the commanders of the guard posts on the principle: "A stranger runs with a spear - your actions?"
• Yesterday, the Chief of Staff of the Navy insulted me with sharp words with the involvement of an irrational vocabulary, which caused in my soul a sense of internal protest and resentment.
• And I have long noticed that our squadron lawmaker on the return from the vacation is so and so trying to sprinkled me with the "Pripet ray" whip, then to serve me with Chernobyl apples. He obviously wants my main organ to shine and fall forever.
And behold, having gently taken me by the trap under the white fingers and cheering boldly, you must proudly guide me by your instructions after my remarks have been removed.
Returning from vacation is fascinating, things that are incomprehensible, impossible and incompatible with military service at sea are immediately thrown into the eyes. And in the head for a long time persistently itching the same thought: "Why we have not yet burned up and drowned," but after a couple of days you get accustomed to the shame, although you are shaking for a while in your sleep.
And the start of the heavy missile cruiser "Admiral Ushakov" stunned to such an extent that the disgusting report wrote on behalf of the commander of the Northern Fleet with a request to protect him from my attacks and insults. This is never forgotten - I will do everything, but I will try to put this report even in his grave.
“Bay your grandmother with a hammer – it will be your grandmother with gold,” says the popular wisdom. We can also say about our landers. The only thing to remember is not to hit the head is useless, and the tool quickly fails.
• As usual, our sailors are extremely curious and extremely intriguing. Running through the corridor of the only aircraft carrier in Russia, he thoughtlessly ticked with his dirty finger with a bite nail the button on a nice unplugged device, and hearing behind the fence a loud cotton and the noise of spilling water, he joyfully jumped and stumbled into the bakery to steal oil. What matters to him is that within a few seconds he dismantled more than a hundred of the world’s best air-to-air missiles, for each of which the once-brotherly Ukraine deals with us according to the best world standards of more than a hundred thousand dollars.
• Who doesn’t understand that when I begin to characterize the activities of any officer, he must boycottly answer: “I”, quickly get up and thick red. Moreover, if the assessment of his activity is positive, then the eyes should shine joyfully and express an immediate readiness for further accomplishments, and if the activity is evaluated, as usual, negatively, then he needs to shake his ears so that it is easier to get on them, and the eyes guilty to knock down.
Young officers - graduates of naval institutions, who have rightly earned the nickname "institutes" in our harsh naval environment, who are wounded like children, but do not cry, clinging to their mommy's shirt, and drink vodka in the society of local butterflies.
The officer must be constantly in a state of emotional agitation, the nose on the wind, the width is broken, the readiness for immediate action - increased. Then it will be full.
I remind the flagship specialists who want to avoid evening rape that the monthly analysis of the preparation of the specialty must be passed on to the head of staff until 15 hours 30 minutes.
A ship officer capable of satisfying a woman overnight more than twice (and in the rank of captain of the 3rd rank and above - more than once) is a phenomenon harmful, socially dangerous and foreign to us, as not corresponding to the interests of the native state. He, the submarine, lacks ship service, he is not on it.
• When you accordingly sneeze your head during a well-deserved rebuke, you want to say, "My love, do not defile your consent to the slave, fool."
• I want to congratulate with the upcoming next marriage of our assistant chief of the RAE squadron, who at his 34 years of age realized well for himself that after marriage, maybe not better, but surely - more often.
When I talk to some of the officers of the operational department of the squadron headquarters, I would like to advise, “Tell my father to keep himself safe.”
When I am on Mondays that a staff officer is sick and can’t come to service, I want to say, “I wanted to sneeze for your cold, uncle. Show me your mouth.”
• Here you look at you in the smoking room, comrade captain of 2nd rank, so you are there such a passion poor and clever, well, just like Philippok from a children's book, and as soon as you give you the word at a service meeting, you will sweat repeatedly, scratching at least some useful thought from your verbal bread.
Don’t go away, mechanic, there you will be found in two accounts.
• Comrade Bonchenko, and your arrival from St. Petersburg from the training ended in the fact that the youngest infusion - a shoe with the RKR "Marshal Ustinov" in the rank of a senior lieutenant took up the ordering duty on our operational association and in the morning met me with a shake in the voice and a wild fear on the face. I sent him where it was necessary (i.e. to you), and he cried, but I didn’t spit the chewing gum out of his mouth, so as not to disrupt the acid-base balance in the mouth.
If necessary, comrades officers of the headquarters, then when conducting the final inspection on the ships, you should not hesitate to roll your sleeves higher and dig deeper into the dirt, for a more complete illumination of the situation. And know - to dig in the shit is not a shame, it is a shame - to get pleasure from it.
The officer of the squadron should be able to speak long and intelligently until he is stopped by a senior chief.
• Where is the young associate of the head of the organizational and mobilization department? My joy, you should not sleep here with a shrinkage, hiding behind the wide back of the head of the air defense squadron, throwing the rainbow bubbles, but sit with an open mouth and joyfully opened eyes feverishly recording my vows to Russian soldiers. After all, this is so useful for your unfortified psyche and not formed active life position.
Comrade Bonchenko, do you not remember your correspondent, who fled to the brigade headquarters for a position with less work, but a large salary, gentle and affectionate words: "With whom do you, Padla, turn your love, with whom smoke a cigarette alone?"
And where is the smartest face of the most intelligent representative of the operational department of Comrade Davidenko? Has he fallen again and can’t get up?
When I call to myself on the carpet of a young Lenin - the head of the department of service of the troops and security of the military service, I constantly ask myself the question - not whether I will be placed as a minor.
And here with sweet smiles, with flowers in petals - the headquarters arrives on the nuclear missile cruiser "Admiral Nahimov" and begins a carefully planned genocide.
I know that you are a rare demagogue, a comrade captain of the first rank, and even able to convince a woman who is in great need of male affection that a lying penis is much better than a standing one, but I will not even listen to you. And if you try to interrupt me and talk, you will immediately get a poodle curl on the forehead.
Your feats on the dignified upbringing of tired soldiers, comrade chief of air defense, are known to the entire fleet - a bunch of maroders are still there.
Why do you drink so much and often, Comrade Davidenko? Is it so delicious?
And you, comrade chief of the operational department, found yourself a beautiful root - captain of the 2nd rank Davidenko and always put him, as a shield, in front of yourself. And at his head even a large-caliber projectile - the steel core is pleased to break.
• Head of HR, I have the impression that you specifically spray your fingers with ink before meetings so that everyone thinks you are working a lot.
In my opinion, it is no secret to anyone that all duties are strictly distributed in the fleet: the lieutenant must know everything and want to work; the senior lieutenant must be able to work independently; the captain - the lieutenant - must be able to organize work; the captain of the 3rd rank - must know where and what is being done; the captain of the 2nd rank - must be able to report where and what is being done; the captain of the 1st rank - must independently find the place in the papers where he needs to register; the admirals - must independently register where they are indicated;
Navy Chief - must be able to clearly and clearly express his consent to the opinion of the Minister of Defense;
The Minister of Defense must be able to express in a sufficiently clear form what the Supreme Commander-in-Chief wants to hear from him.
The Supreme Commander-in-Chief (President) must periodically (but at least once, preferably before elections) be interested in what kind of army is currently on the territory of his state. If it turns out that it is yours, then try to pay her a salary for the last few years and promise to raise it (then maybe) interest by 10-15.