bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №155078
 30.09.2020
I had trouble choosing the size. Who knows, will understand. When you take a hose just to find, you stretch the hose along the same way and in the way. Well, better than two breasts, of course, can only be four!

And many times I went to my house in the city past the store with models with now very large breasts. And at some point I thought, maybe I will find something sick.

I went in the 100E lift, I went out in 70K, ahaha. Let me explain, if anyone does not know, there is no constant concept of a "five-point" in lifaches. There is a proportion between the volume and the cup. And the exact same chest at the volume of 100 and at the volume of 70 will be marked with different letters. 100E in a cup is identical to 70K, but does not hold anything and torture from it.

I went to this shop regularly. Four years later, I found a vacancy there. of requirements:

Older than 24

Breast of cup G

At least a year of work anywhere.

I said that I would be sorry if I didn’t respond to such an ideal vacancy... And suddenly got to work :D

For a year, I have been working as the person who chooses the most ideal lifters for others. This is such a good thing.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №155077
 30.09.2020
This happened in 2009. My friend met a young man in 2008, he was 22 years old and they were both military, he was sent to serve in another city and for a year they had a phone relationship, so he tried to come to her for a weekend once a month. In 2009, a friend had a couple of weeks vacation and she went to her friend, he worked in the afternoon and came home for lunch. After another such lunch she decided to walk to the store and on the way to carry him to work, dressed in a sports suit, shoes and took a bag, he was in shape. They walk through the street and a young man asks her, "Do you have a passport with you?She says, “Yes, it’s in the bag.” MCH: “Here is the ZAGS building across the road, let’s go and find out how to file an application for registration...” They went in, began to find out what and how, the employee of the ZAGS began to tell them everything, and then said, "Let's let me write you right now? “” They were confused for a couple of minutes - they took and agreed))) The bridegroom in military uniform, the bride in a sports suit and shoes... They even have no photo from the registration, but still live together, two children were born (a boy and a girl). Her parents didn’t believe her until she showed her passport and marriage certificate, and they didn’t see the bridegroom before marriage. So I walked to the shop.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №155076
 30.09.2020
At the beginning of the summer, new owners appeared in the neighboring country. The former owner - the grandmother is not bad, but very clever. New neighbors - pleasant people, our peasants, in the past - never holidaymakers, but the enthusiasm - at least reject: the bury and grown celery in a couple of months brought in a pleasant look.

On the weekend, we sit with a neighbor, in the process of communication, we smoke a smoked pellet (this is the fish), drink a beer, suddenly - a phone call. I see a former neighbor. Hands in fish, including a loud communication.

After the standard introductory phrases, the grandmother asks the question:

Have the neighbors changed the castle? The neighbor raised one eyebrow.

Hey, how do I know? ...

- Yes, I have a barbecue there and Kalina have matured - I wanted to gather, or I will come, and they have everything locked!

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №155075
 30.09.2020
XXX: My ex also made me hysterical about sausages. I came to him after the universe. He was hanging something or something, or he was talking with friends, shortly while he was busy, I wanted to eat. Please note that the poor hungry student was only me, he was already a master of psychological sciences.

Oh my god, I ate a sauce. Blue has begun. How could you eat it, I have all in mind, these sausages for me for how many days there. He was a writer.



YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Eat the sausage that was taken into account, how good it got rid of you!

[ + 28 - ] Comment quote №155074
 30.09.2020
When I was a teenager, I met a guy. He lived outside the city, we rarely met, because his parents did not allow him to drive so far alone. We talked on the internet, sometimes we talked. Then the communication disappeared, there was no “official” separation. After four years of boredom, I wrote to him, saying, let’s break up well. They laughed, remembered, decided to meet. It’s been 6 years together since that meeting and 10 if you count this 4-year break.

[ + 34 - ] Comment quote №155073
 30.09.2020
We had a company of 300 people, there were several aitišnikovs, or more precisely 6, who were engaged in internal problems.

In our department, where some girls and I worked, it was so, first they called me, then they called me in the order of айтишников.

They had their own hierarchy.

So, if they could not cope with 6, 5, 4, 3 Aitishnik, it happened terrible called Denisa, number 2

Denis came, slightly upset, included a faulty computer or modem in the socket or something else that worked miraculously.

but. Ask who was number one.

Even if Dennis didn’t. Then they called Artem, then holding his breath listened to his rushed walk, Artem entered the office and everything started to work.

Our phone broke, Arthem entered, looked at the phone without touching, and the phone worked.

But the coolest thing is that the modem from which the wires into all the composts go as if it got stuck.

So I called him, he asked on the phone, “Is this a black guy?” I promised and the modem earned.

And this is all about the phone and about the modem saw a lot of people.

And I even started working when Artem was passing through the corridor past the office.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №155072
 30.09.2020
As it turned out, during the filming of the film "Pearl Harbor" for the scenes of the take-off of Japanese aircraft used an American aircraft carrier. This circumstance caused a sharp condemnation among American veterans. According to them, this is offensive for both the dead and the survivors of the attack.



Director Michael Bay met with the veterans and proved to them that they were to blame, so the filmmakers had no choice. Special effects at the time (2001) were still unable to qualitatively show the aircraft carrier and had to use a real American, because all the Japanese aircraft carriers were destroyed by these same veterans. After this meeting, the veterans agreed that with such introductions, the use of the American aircraft carrier was quite permissible.

[ + 25 - ] Comment quote №155071
 30.09.2020
Preferably in winter. In the autumn, it is inappropriate to wait for spring.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №155070
 30.09.2020
We bought a townhouse in the suburbs of Toronto. I decided to move, but eventually I had to sell it. All because of the neighbor. The case was so.
When I first came home, I found a car in my driveway.
“Nothing terrible.“I thought I called the neighbor.
“Is this your car?” I asked him.
“Yes my own! I will keep her here!” He answered loudly.
I opened up, blocked his car and began to evaluate the situation.
A few minutes later, the neighbor said, “Immediately drive your car away or I’ll call the police!”
I did not react. Within an hour, the mentions come and say to me:
“Well, of course you are right, but anyway, you shouldn’t call the police on such occasions.”
“Yes, I didn’t call you. It was he who called.” I declared.
“Oh shit, it is true! A shit at all!” The police officer said and forced the neighbor to remove the car from my site.

A few days later, a neighbor demonstrately brought his dog onto my lawn.
I asked him to clean up.
“I have full right! You will be angry, I’ll call the police!” He declared
I sent it to the cock, in English, of course.
Then everything repeated. The same man came and said:
“Well, of course you are right, but anyway, you shouldn’t call the police on such occasions.”
“Yes, I didn’t call you. He called it. And what to do in such a situation: he will not allow me or you to live in peace?” I ask
“The next time, we’ll give him a fine for a false call.The police officer promised.

It was a sin, I could not stand. The next day, when the neighbor came out into the yard, I showed him the facts.
Nearly in the aftermath. Almost because the policeman came to him right away. Apparently he began to write a fine, because there were screams and motherhood. In English, of course.
The neighbor took me by in handcuffs in the police wreck. He shouted something to me, and I could not stand up again and asked a police officer I already knew:
“It should be, and it looks so decent! How many people did he kill?”
The policeman struck me and they left.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №155069
 30.09.2020
Interesting logic is to rename Sberbank to Sber because it is so called in the people. Well then change the names of the police officers to ments, the police departments to garbage, or at least the president to the tsar.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №155068
 29.09.2020
I go to the pharmacy:

Hi, please tell me, do you have a Suspension?

It is over, there is powder. 15 rubles a piece.

Give me 10 pieces.

There is a suspension! and 8 pieces.

- Well, give 8 suspensions and 2 powders.

Oh, I was wrong, there are 6 suspensions.

Then give 6 suspensions and 4 powders.

There are only 2 powders left.

Give it all.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №155067
 29.09.2020
We talked in the office about stepmakers, fitness trackers.

The colleague:

- Oh you know, and in our house a guy is walking, so he was out in shorts in the summer and he had a fitness tracker on his foot. I think the steps are better...

In the conversation involved a visitor (I work in the jur. The Company):

- Mademoiselle, when I was released from the UDO, I also wore this tracker for a year. You better not get to know him.

[ + 31 - ] Comment quote №155066
 29.09.2020
Jealousy is a very silly thing, and pushes people to do strange things. I remember a story that happened 10 years ago when I still had a home phone.

The morning, at 9 o’clock. I sleep. The call. I wake up and answer. I have to say that I am a convinced sheep, and I am stupid. Then there was a strange conversation.

and allo.

A second shocked silence in the telephone, then a wicked female voice:

You are who? ! to

She is Diana.

What are you doing at my house? ! to In the anger of the grandmother.

I look back in amazement, convinced that I am exactly at home. Gradually comes: the man did not get there. I’m going to say, “You’ve got the wrong number,” but I’m not going.

Where is the husband? The cry of the lady.

In the shower, I automatically answer.

Because my husband was actually in the shower at the time.

The grandmother begins to shout in the sense that she will come and find out my shameless eyes, break my terrible cheek and tear off my curved legs. I throw the phone. I am not a messiah forced to educate. I go back to bed, I instantly fall asleep... The phone call. I go back and pick up the phone again.

Are you still here, shit? The same grandmother.

You see, it was stupid to repeat the call. My brain couldn’t check where I was calling. Adrenaline was disturbing. And again threatens my crooked legs and scary cheeks. I even felt a sense of sympathy. Probably, the lady was somewhere on vacation or on a business trip, called her husband in the morning, and he is in the shower, and Diana answers someone.

I manage to interrupt the stream of her threats with a loud cry:

What number are you calling?

What is? The grandmother appears.

What number are you calling?

Grandma calls the number, it does not coincide with my one number.

Wrong the number! I scream at the phone and call my own.

Do you think she calmed down, got to her? by Her.

“It’s strange,” he said in a suspicious tone. I could not be wrong. So what are you doing at my house?

Then I exploded and shouted:

Fuck your husband! I will marry him at all! Because you’re in bed, he said. Go to Fuck. And you know what? Your feet are wrong!

I throw the phone. A man looks out of the bathroom and asks:

Who are you fucking with?

With all of you, fucking. I rise.

I turn off my phone and go to bed.

I don’t know if the psychic condition allowed Babie to check the number she picked up. Maybe my fucking husband has arrived.

The man! If you’re reading this, I’m sorry, of course, but it’s your wife’s fault: let me call you at 9 p.m. Do not call before morning. You are married psychically.)

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №155065
 29.09.2020
Calls a friend who works in a Chinese company in Moscow:

We are moving to a new office!

What’s wrong with the old man?

“The main company was tired of receiving losses reports from us and they sent a Feng Shui specialist to solve our financial problems. That couple of months spotted around the office, looked at the maps and delivered a verdict – “the office in the center is bad, a lot of poor energy. The office should be in the south.”

What is the problem, what are you worried about?

"I live in the north and now I have to drive twice as long and further, even if I quit.

- Don't think, you can't be fired from a financially successful company with huge prospects.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №155064
 29.09.2020
I work as a technical specialist in a small office. There is a shortage of hotels. Thinking about how to increase income, I agreed with the boss that if I bring clients he will pay me an additional 10% of the profit from that client.

And here literally after 2 days a client calls me on a personal phone: "Hello! You installed and configured the equipment by Maria Ivanovna 2 weeks ago, can I also?"

I say “no problem.” Talk to TZ. I give the address of my office. I warn the boss that the customer will come for the equipment.

He comes, pays the bill, 40,000 net profit is obtained from it. At my reasonable question about paying me money from this account, the boss answers: "No, it is not you who brought him, but he called you, there will be no prize."

After that, I realized that I needed to bypass the office to look for additional income.

[ + 24 - ] Comment quote №155063
 29.09.2020
Two options.

You have to accept it or accept it as it is.

[ + 29 - ] Comment quote №155062
 29.09.2020
"I will tell you in secret that I serve in the police because I find this service very important!"

A year in 2015 or 2016 I was driving from work on the subway and in the area of Izmailovo station I got a woman beggar with a child in my eyes - a boy who appeared to be about 8 years old hanging on a woman in a backpack kangaroo, in which only babies are worn. And the boy was hanging like a cloth - the fingers and legs were just chatting in the air. Although the child himself did not sleep and was with half-open eyes, he did not react to the surrounding environment. It was a very strange picture that should have caused some suspicion. But, strangely enough, in the whole wagon nobody even got upset, and many even sympathized with the money.

I have probably seen beggars with children many times before. But I never attached special importance to this - they use their children for money - bad people! And all that, my interest in them disappeared. And here I was just stunned. At that time, I didn’t even know anything about kidnapping children, about pumping them with drugs and alcohol. But when I saw that boy, I just felt terrible anxiety and fear.

After that, starting to be interested in this topic on the Internet, I went to the organization "Search for missing children". From them I learned a lot about the real origin of such babies and their likely future fate.
A few months after that incident in the subway I could not live peacefully. I thought about that child every minute. I was depressed by the thought that a little prisoner was taken a few centimeters away from me and needed help, but I didn’t help. I did not even try to help. I looked at him stupidly, like a sheep from a flock of lambs... I felt involved in this terrible story, and the feeling of guilt did not leave me for a second. And I promised myself that I would never be able to pass by again if I saw something like this.

A few months later, when I was again passing by the subway in the area of Izmailovo station, a man and a woman entered my car, asking for help in their difficult life and give them a piece of bread. They had a three-year-old boy in their hands. He was sleeping. I turned on the camera and followed them, filming them begging. At the station Izmailovo they went out and headed to the exit. I defended them, I ran to the police and asked to inspect these people urgently. I referred to the fact that they were engaged in begging, which is prohibited in the subway, and I have video evidence. I also that I suspect that the child in their hands needs help because it behaves strangely, or maybe it’s not their child at all. In general, everything according to the scheme, as recommended on the site "Search for missing children".

Of course, the policeman walked away from me. According to him, he is responsible for what is happening in the turnikets, not in the cars. And in general, he sees no need to check the documents of those people, as they do not seem suspicious to him. In general, while I was explaining with this donkey, the couple disappeared. I was just shocked that having a chance to save someone’s life, we missed that chance because of a lazy security guard who didn’t care.

Having lost all hope of helping that child, I decided to stay and at least complain to that policeman. I called 112, described the whole situation, the data of the police. In the future, this call decided a lot, because even a simple call to the hotline of the rescue service is a statement that is officially accepted and registered, and from which it is not easy to go away. Then I called the Search for Missing Children, where I was informed about further action.

It wasn’t 5 minutes after my call at 112, as that police officer runs to me and begins to whisper – said, why you called there, why complained, what I had to do in yours, go, the police chief is waiting for you. There, at the station, I was taken to their small police department, where their chief seemed to be sitting. He also began to read about the fact that it is not good to call the rescue service - why, because there are they - brave keepers of order, it was just necessary to approach him personally, and in general they know about the problems with such beggars, but can not influence them, because there is no evidence. That mess lasted for 10 minutes until I stated that I didn’t care and I would write a complaint about them. The headman took a heavy breath, gave me a sheet of pencil, and the one who brought me told me to bring the couple with the child here. And here I just swallowed! You understand, they are police officers, know perfectly what they are and where to look for them. Just this villain whispered about the fact that they are here beggars chasing in the sweat of the face and can not catch, but himself knows who they are and where they live. As soon as they felt the heat in their ass, they instantly found them!

After 10 minutes in front of me in the cage, this couple was sitting with the baby. What I didn’t hear about that night.

There was also an inspector for minors. The couple were taken to the department, the child was taken to the hospital. My mission seems to have been completed, but in the Search for Missing Children I was immediately warned that if I do not appear to the police with a statement after the arrest, the beggar will simply be released, and maybe the child will also be given, and everything will start again. So the next morning I came to the police station and wrote a statement. Then I was called another couple of times for interrogation, identification of criminals (so, probably, this is called). As far as I know, the man was sent to prison, the woman was deported to Ukraine, the child was still in the hospital, because he had a disease.

For me, this story was just a shock. I, a man who had never even seen the police station from the inside, that evening wrote statements, mocked, tried to get justice. And I was most shocked by the hopelessness of this nightmare. When some haters use and kill children for money, while others hide them and hide their ass in every way. There was some ugly feeling in my heart and I don’t even know how to convey it. It is a relief that the case is closed. One stone fell from the soul, but another appeared in the soul. And even harder. My first thought was then to get away from this hideaway and never get wet in it again. I am amazed at how courageous and strong in spirit are those who devote themselves to such a struggle every day. People from the organization "Search for Missing Children" do this every day.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №155061
 29.09.2020
He poured his coffee on a new carpet. Please tell me how to wash off blood spots.

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №155060
 29.09.2020
I once described a typical new building in the style of horror:



The house will be handed over, the dirt will be asphalted. Below will put a playground, with such a combination of colors as if it was designed by a stubborn clown under ecstasy - red, yellow, salad, all as incompatible as possible. The children's playground will be fitted with passes that will be parked immediately. In general, all the free space will be occupied by cars and when you look at the courtyard from above, you will see a playground in the car fence. They will stand on both sides of the road so that when the car passes between them in the evening, there will be ten centimeters left to the mirrors of others on the left and the right.

Then on the first floor will open the first spill store, its name will be as a designer, collected from the words "chamber", "sliding" and "bir". A little later, this spill will be supplemented by a pharmacy, with such a giant poisonous green neon cross, as if the apostle of the new faith it would shine in the windows of the second floor.

Then the providers will come, entering the entrance, people will attack the glossy leaflets rolling under the mailboxes with a red text on a yellow background - "Don. Internet and TV from 599 r. per month. In the morning the cleaner will carry them out, but every day they will build up again, not even a cardboard box nearby will help, because nobody will pick up the leaflet that fell out of the box from the floor - the maximum will be placed on the top of the metal.

The improvement will be represented by a lawn, which will be flanked by a green fence. The lawn itself will be a lukewarm buryan with large brown blades. Chaotically, the "trees" are scattered on it - metric sticks of an incomprehensible variety, year after year they will not grow, remaining the same, only half of the "stock" of the palate is carefully painted with white paint.

Over time, the patch on the facade will crack across the entire height and start to peel away in places, the house will look like a hard untreated egg.

Places in the courtyard will cease to catch and cars will begin to park in the desert nearby, in the off-season from their wheels will be visible long dirty stripes, in the summer they will turn into dust.

Dust and garbage in general will be the satellites of the area, because the developer will make open urns. Dogs will dig in the garbage and after the snow will melt the whole lawn will be in their shit.

And it forever.



Over time, they will create a group in the UK, initially there will be asked to drop the contacts of the masters and ask where to buy the laminate, but then the group will begin to fill up photos of cars blocking the road or standing on the sidewalk. At first everyone will be outraged and slandered, but then someone will say, “I’m coming after work at 23. Physically there is nowhere to get up, sometimes yes, I park on the sidewalk, but I always leave a place for pedestrians,” someone will support, “not everyone has money for parking, you know!!"A girl will ask which clinic the house belongs to, but her message will not be noticed.

Then the grocery store at the bottom will be closed, instead of it, two bright letters of CB will burn. Someone will try to open a private kindergarten in the basement, the stamp will consist of red letters on a yellow background, and the descent will be covered with blue polycarbonate. Over time, the sticker will blossom, and polycarbonate will crack from the bottle thrown from the top, in the winter, the water will drop, forming it in steps to the left. Periodically, workers will throw yellow sand on the trouar, which in March will form a brown jelly - sometimes the UK will mix there salt and then on the whole shoe will be visible ash divides on the edges.

The facade will stretch air conditioning tracks - black stripes, pulled by hamsters to the wall in the shape of the letter G.

In the chat, meanwhile, the girl will joyfully write that she takes everyone on the shugaring and invites to sign up on the spikes to her. This post will look dark at the owner of a beauty salon with the name, which for some reason resembles the name of a stripper.

Over time, the environment will begin to flood inside people - the task for the evening is always one: somehow to park (or back up and leave the phone), run into the entrance (on the sides do not watch) and turn on the series, listening to the compulsory advertisement "Azino777". At first, the result will not be noticeable, but then someone will say, "I don't need your yard, I don't look at it - I don't have time, I come back from work and go home. The main thing in the apartment is the layout and place, and all of these are your courtyards without cars for thieves and hipstots.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №155059
 29.09.2020
xxx: The mask in mass mode is an indicator of the status. Wearing the right mask, you are no one. A mask under your nose – you have some power. No masks, you are an elite.

YYY: Yesterday I visited Five, the whole was hit by the elite, there was a power in the box, and only I and a couple of other people were nobody.

The best quotes and jokes from the bezdna