From Sergey Lukyanenko post about funny phrases in stories

From the inner body of Harry broke out an evil laugh.

The first thought is going down. The second is Harry. Third is Ron. Fourth, she won’t give Snape such pleasure.

Hermione’s lips opened, missing the male tongue.

This is the only way to help Harry kill Lord.

Hagrid, whispering with saliva, with the head of a centaur in his hands, warned Dumbledore.

Voland-de-Mort thoughtfully shouted, “Avad Kedaur,” but Harry didn’t like to think at such moments and struck him with a butt before the dark lord said “A.”

“Something is wrong here,” Harry thought, looking at the bloodshed.

Voldemort grumbled terribly with a bruising laugh, his eyes turned in tension. Harry appreciated his chances of success and also smiled, only with bitterness. Phoenix was crying at his wound.

Dumbledore, Snape has poisoned your Phoenix!
No matter, he is old.

Harry is there!

Did you set him the purpose?

Hermione, what do you have on your shirt?
The Blood!
of whom?
It is yours, Harry. Your face is broken! Do you not see?

Do you know what they do in this area? I asked Sirius Harry.

Q: If there is no electricity at all, what will we do? The teacher will teach, the doctor will treat, the aithishnik -...
Teaching and Treating

NX: We are going to the field. Go with us.
Hardman in football?
Tag: in golf
Hardman: Which field are you going to?
Fuck the corn, fuck it! Are you going or not?

My husband is very busy at work.
Is it rom?
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
What would you like for dinner?
Theme: Pure
WOW: With what?
Tag: the cat
I’m going to catch...
Is gender characteristic very important? Will the cat go?

I want to fuck and not fuck!! to
yyy: how subtly understated =)

Stupid Andrew: Yes, this is a funny movie, though it’s a porn. I watched him myself. I liked the end there.
Relaxing by whom?

He was offended by his cat.
What has she done now?
She is sleeping with me for food!! to
- O_O

c) the chord

In Yekaterinburg, the desanters celebrated the holiday with an assault on a fruit store.

I think the day after day should be banned, like gay parades. Behavior of pigs. Here you served in the VDV, so sit in the evening at dinner and turn the stack and enjoy a quiet life. I personally celebrate the day of the Navy with my father.

from Vkontakte

Dashenka Ketova
A whimper is one who first confesses to you in love, and then then puts your friends under the avatars of hearts.

Yes, I agree, it’s just terrible.

Prize of the world, crystal, blasphemy, sheep, silver calash, oscar, grammy, golden grammofon, cup of European champions and AFTAMABIIL!!! The airline will make separate flights for passengers with young children and they will bear the brains of each other for 3-4 hours. c) YU

I see - along the road are two drunk men and warts: "VDV!!! The VVD!and "
A haishnikov car approaches them, they talk about it, and they leave.
The men followed: "DPS!!! The DPS!and "

I am ready to give my life for her, and she wants me to wash my dishes.

My daughter and her husband went by car to the sea. I asked to send SMS and so on:

Dad beat the rabbit.

In 20 minutes:

They ate shakes.

XXX: Katya goes away from here!

I am not Katya, I am Valya!

XXX: Walk out of here!

I wrote an important name in the mail instead of a STUBB. Shobla) I was deprived of the quarterly prize)yes and her with him,so the whole office was lying

Losing the desire for knowledge also loses the mind.

Those who do not tolerate the matts, please get stuck and lick. However, I left them only where I can’t do it – there is something like that.

In 92, we put the first screw on both weak compasses of our laboratory. Liquid nitrogen at that time covered the copper basin together with the components, expensive equipment got up - it was time to engage in purely literary work, that is, to write disserts. Specifically, we stumbled to fit the over-line and sub-line indexes in all kinds of formulas, and in the word they were, here we put it. They mastered races by sharing their discoveries with colleagues. One of the features, global replacement, is still uninteresting to most users.
But try to manually clear from random double gaps, double points, gaps before points and other shit a three-hundred-page monograph! Now it took seconds – we replace, for example, a double gap with a single across the text, then quickly press that button several times in a row until the word tells you that there is nothing more to replace.
Further, we scroll manually to identify males who still do not know the Tab button and place multiple gaps on the eye instead.

For the first time, the postgraduate student Valera found this discovery and decided to share it with comrades in a vivid mnemonic form. The natural victim of a graduate student
Borya was dull and burdensome, he did not want to jump to the toilet on the fourth floor, but instead walked relentlessly to the other end of the long building on the first, and then smoked for a long time on the wing. Both windshields were scheduled for hours and minutes. Waiting when
Bore will finally fall asleep to the toilet, and then count on the 10-30 minutes that fell on you, depending on the pace of its advancement - many irritated. Valer's postgraduate student perfectly settled in five - he replaced the entire text of the borin dissertation, sealed with a gap on "fuck," a point on another fig, multiple spaces-points and other typical prints - with a dozen more colorful expressions. The whole text was immediately transformed. In it appeared a refrain after each square clamp with a point, completing information about the work of another author. Now each of these references was accompanied by a boring but persistent comment: “H, with all respect for the authors of this work, I believe that their results are also embarrassing...”

But the main thing wasn’t even in this mechanical replacement – Borina’s phrase finally got a breath. Like every experimentator facing real life in the form of broken glands, Bora was a little speech. He was expressed only in cases when something did not work out again, or even worse, it did. But only of such moments and should consist of the text of any good dissertation. It is not surprising that Boria gave birth to his text hard and hit his throat at the same time. His censored dry text made a strange impression on colleagues who knew Bora in life. Even the prints he made sensual – after the conclusions, for him the most exciting. With punctuation he was not at all in order, as I did myself, but if Boria put his hand for diversity, then it meant something. The double gap served as a dramatic break. Five minutes of work – and the entire text of the dissertation played in colors:

“The method proposed by the author of this work, fucking, provides a full match of experimental and theoretical data, fucking! The fucking horse. I finally managed to prove, fucking...” – and so on, half a hundred pages.

We read this out loudly selectively, starting with the conclusions of the work. By the time Boris returned from the toilet, the entire laboratory was sitting on its chairs no longer. Bora looked at his text, overthrew some insult, corrected it, corrected it again, looked long and thoughtfully at the whole, then began to list his many years of work to the end, dark in his eyes. He could be understood. The very concept of global replacement until this morning was unknown to any of the attendees. Purely rewriting the fresh edition of the entire dissertation from the first to the last page during the boring stay in the toilet, and even so juicy, seemed completely unthinkable. The sinking Bora complained, “Boys, I think I have a virus...”

We came to help him and quickly found out that this virus reacted just like the most malicious mother-in-law – the files of other users were not affected. “Yes, I’m only verbally!” borya whispered and stood on us suspiciously. But after all, it was a famous mysterious wire, and advanced articles on oral speech recognition were in fashion at the time.

Backup, of course, we restored him, but some paddle managed to get into the process of a couple of parameters of auto replacement. Now, when Bora was especially anxious about his conclusions and began to make the usual prints for himself, a line itself popped out in the text: "Oh,
Bore to Bore. You can't even mindfully mate!"I don't know how much it worked, but he periodically regretted the backspace and didn't speak out until the evening at all. However, Boria easily compensated for this in just a few minutes, when we regretted and explained to him the meaning of these useful operations.

In order to be happy in Russia, you need to steal money, open your business, overcome all bureaucratic barriers, give a bunch of bribery, show unusual character, have connections, preferably in the criminal world, to be able to eliminate competitors, and work, work like a wolf.

Another option: take two liters of vodka and go fishing.

Logan84: It's not all that life is fucking
Lobzik84: When your girlfriend is broken

The older daughter (5 years) comforts the younger (3 years): Nothing, you will live until the wedding!