I had three aunts, two dads sisters and one mom. We didn’t love her very much – she was cold, ulcerative, often rude. The fathers were kind, constantly chatting with us, three nephews, constantly saying that they love. But one day, my dad died, and my mom went crazy of sorrow – for a few months she could not recover. Daddy's sisters were constantly coming, talking about something with her, grabbing us sympathetically on the head. My mom’s sister came less often, but she brought us food, cleaned the house, bathed my mom, scratched her.

One day good aunts came and locked up with their mother, as suddenly came a bad aunt, and almost kicked them out of the house. We wanted to rush to their defense, but suddenly our beloved aunts began to curse us, cry out and wish death to our mother. We hated my aunt, but she lived with us for a few months. She never gentled with us, but the house was always clean, there was a hot lunch, my mom took her medications on time. When there were problems in school, my aunt went and got it all right; when I broke my arm, my aunt on her arms ran with me to the injury point.

Later my mother recovered, life re-entered, and a long time later we learned that my sister’s daddy after his death tried to persuade my mother to sign papers to renounce all real estate and assets in their favor, thus leaving us poor without a roof over our heads. Aunt died at the age of 72, without changing her cold temper, but this did not prevent us from constantly saying that we love her and there is no person dearer to us.

Take my son to kindergarten. On the way I pick up a neighbor with a child （our children go to one group）, and another neighbor. Explanation: they are not husband and wife, just neighbors.

Let us communicate. She calls her neighbor “Uncle Cole” and “you” all the time, although they’ve known each other for more than a year. I asked her why she called him uncle.

－And how do I treat him？We have a big age difference. I am 28 years old, he is probably over forty. His daughter has almost finished school.

－43 －I will clarify.

－ Well you see, 15 years of difference.

－Why then don’t you call me “Uncle Vitya”？

－ Why Uncle Viti？

－Because I’m six months older than Uncle Cole.

did not believe. I had to show my passport.

Now I’m “Uncle Vichy,” really “you.”

A few years ago, in the kindergarten, where the son was going, decided to conduct the testing of children. I invited a psychologist, who decided that the drawing will tell everything.

In the evening, the wife calls, the voice shakes, says you need to talk seriously.

Karoche, his son, painted everyone, even the dog, with colored flommasters, and me, black, and also painted black.

Paper from a psychologist: I am a tyrant, my son is afraid of me, I keep in fear of everyone and everything.

I blame myself for my sins.

I sat in front of him and asked:

“Son, why did you paint all of them with colored flommasters and paint me black?”

The answer characterizes the work of fashion psychologists:

“Daddy, the color painting stopped, I said and they gave me black, I had to paint you black.



What is the point of history, you ask? The psychologist no longer works in the kindergarten, but has his practice, where parents take the children.

We sit in the universe in a pair. The teacher confusingly and incomprehensively explains the material, group

He is confused and does not understand.

Finally, the paddle is desperate and paints on the green board with a white mole (this is important!) The two targets.

Here is! He says. You will now understand the difference. Look at the right target. It is white on a green background. Now look to the left. It is black on a green background. Now you can see for yourself that they are completely different!

Everyone who has listened to the lesson so far has had a hanging of the brain’s operating system. There was a silence in the audience, in which, if you listen, you could distinguish how the hatchbacks whistle in our hemispheres.

Voice from the group:

How are they different if they are both white? ! to

And you imagine! It was his answer.

The rest of the couple went boring, and history would have been forgotten if the first-time student had not approached us at the end of the same day.

Was this your first couple with a name? He asks us.

Well yes, at us. What is it? I answer me.

What about triangles?

Which triangles? O. O

We just sat down on the sides, as he painted a triangle on the board and said it was black. We are like, “Well, black means black.” So he started screaming at us that we were stupid! And that the previous group was at least smarter: asked how this could be, if a white...

I have a acquaintance. He doesn’t drink and hates drunk driving. There have been several instances when he saw on the road "whipping" cars, dropped all his affairs, followed this driver (on the road reporting to the appropriate service), until he was caught.

I also told such a case. He came with his family to his brother. Brother gathered for something to the store in the middle of the night in the car (naturally, during the feast he drank). My friend insists, does not let his brother out of the apartment. My brother is on his own.

B: Well night in the courtyard, everything will be fine (bla-bla-bla).

When the excuses did not work, another conversation began:

B: And what will you do? Will you call the police?

Z is yes.

B: You won’t call me.

The acquaintance calls. His brother, still not believing what is happening, is listening to the conversation. The Deputy (D):

That is, I listen to it.

Q: I want to inform you that a drunk driver is going to leave from such an address right now.

D: How did you find out about it?

H: So I’m with him right now!

D: And what are you doing there?

Z: I am his brother, I came to visit him.

With a duty stomp. Within a few seconds, he reveals:

- And you called to report that your brother is going to drive drunk?

Z is yes. What is this? Will he strike on someone? I will not forgive myself for not stopping him.

D (after a few seconds of reflection): - And give your brother a phone.

After a few minutes of talking with the guard, the brother calmed down and did not go to the store.

After the story, I asked a friend:

What if my brother went?

Q: Well then, at least, let me prepare to scratch a penalty and soon walk.

Independence from public opinion is called peace of mind.

“Gop-stop, we came across the corner” (c)

Assistant President Andrei Belousov proposed to Vladimir Putin the idea of “removing” more than 0.5 trillion rubles from the profits of mining, metallurgy, chemical and petrochemical companies. It is advisable to instruct the government to submit proposals on such additional sources of income, wrote Mr. Belousov. On July 28, the President put on the letter of his assistant (published on the Internet) the resolution "I agree."

In translation from the bureaucratic-banditic, this means that a small six of the big pahan has come up with a place to find money for a fellow. I tolerated divorce on lava. Here as if everything is understandable, from the point of view of the thief world, and everything is logical: the wallet or life.

But if you still think about the fact that a very large official simply offers to take money from the business to replenish the empty treasury, then it will be a kitsch. If the business is against, then it is generally ruined or even jailed until it makes the right decision. The irony of the situation is that in it, the bandits are jailed for relatively honest people, and not the opposite. Officials think like small thieves: money can and should be taken directly from the fools (by the way, they are fools only because they cannot answer. And they cannot answer simply because to any serious response, the brothers of the officials, the blood-protectors, immediately rush and sew the matter with rotten white threads.)

Locals from Veliky Novgorod write on the internet that in the city it is not delicious and not very expensive to eat, for a very simple reason: as soon as a cafe or restaurant opened, it was immediately pushed off by officials or bandits (there is no difference, bandits are less honest and keep the word more often if they give it, because for the market you have to be held accountable). But to manage and think the peppers are not very able, and the matter collapses very quickly.

The typical behavior of the parasite: dry up the host's dry, let it breathe and switch to a new one. This is how the office car works from the top to the bottom. You constantly hear the question: when will they eat? The answer is never, because the parasite cannot stop on its own.

- Who does not claim the money of the Pension Fund... And the government, and VEB, and Chubai, and Vekselberg, and Greff...
Just like those... retirees.
What does this have to do with it at all?

Living the Commandments is not life, but preparation for a better life.

Yesterday, the man in the airplane stewardess was calmed for an hour. Such a classic type, everything with it - blush like in the seventh month, red rose, barcode head, sandals, T-shirt with a wolf. It is clear that his vacation started in the morning and he is already in the best world where you are beautiful and intelligent, where you get everything done and you sincerely do not understand why these boring people around you are angry instead of enjoying life together.
And then I thought that it often happens, you fly to yourself quietly in the plane and suddenly stewardess on the radio:
- Dear passengers, if there is a professional doctor or at least a healthcare worker among you, please contact the flight attendant, one of the passengers suddenly became ill.
And usually someone goes up, goes to this patient, gives him something from the urgently brought pharmacy bag, and makes him some sort of massage there. The man gradually goes away and the doctor is thanked, and even sometimes he is knocked.
But why shouldn’t they ever say this, for example:
“Dear passengers, maybe among you is an athlete or even a former, better a boxer or a handheld, please contact the boarding staff, one of the passengers suddenly got well.
And then everyone would start to look around each other, and you would slowly rise from your place. You get upset, of course, but you need to help a person.
The stewardess leads you to him, he stands, walks, pleases himself with something, and two of him are already holding his arms.
And you what, yet it is known - the weight on the right, the fingers raised, the left slightly marked and baum him with the right straight in the beard. He’s silent, and you get him a couple more to control – grandmothers like from a stand!
Well, it’s dull, it’s hearty, it’s seated, and you’re going back to your place. People from all sides look with respect, and the most beautiful stewardess approaches your chair and says:
“Thank you,” he says, “you, a huge man, were already afraid that you would have to go for this mess.
“Yes, nonsense,” you humbly answer, “react to me.
by robertyumen

If the divorce of Petrosyanov does not distract the people from thinking about retirement age, they will have to marry Alla Borisov again.

Russian officials with high social status are increasingly reminding what they are coming from women with reduced social responsibility!

At the Department of Foreign Languages in our institute taught the mother of Mark Anatolyevich Minkova. The composer, among other things, the author of the music for the song "Invisible Fight" from the series "The Investigation is led by Knights". "Our service is dangerous and difficult, and at first glance it seems unseen. If somebody is somewhere with us sometimes...” Remember?

At the seminars, she asked, “Do you want me to tell you a new series of “Knatook”? Which hasn’t been shown yet? Who will refuse. It is now pirates, the internet and other charms, and then everything is secret. Interesting, and she told me. in German.

From the Future Questionnaire:

“Did you or your close relatives, during the retirement reform period, belong to the presidential administration, the government, or any other organized criminal group?”

I live on the last floor. Repair of the roof. Heat of 32 degrees. I enter the entrance, an elevator arrives, and two workers run into the cabin with me. Poor and exhausted. We go to the ninth floor, I see something they want to say. We arrive, and one decides to ask for water. Of course, I say, drag the canister, on the roof is hell. They were so delighted and then told that six residents refused to enter. The counters, bl@t, have them!

Suddenly I remembered a long history.

He gathered in his youth with the company in the bathroom and went to the network store to buy all kinds of nonsense for competitions. And I needed two bananas for something like fast food without hands. I wanted to buy bigger so that the process did not end too quickly. In the store, all the bananas are small.

There is a beautiful girl, a saleswoman (D). Here is our dialogue:

I: Girl, if you have big bananas, I need a couple big ones.

D: Everything is here in the room.

I: I need big ones, maybe there are in the warehouse?

D: No, there are the same...

Suddenly, the light fell on her, and she proposed:

“Take a carrot, it’s big. For what do you?” It was red :)



I am from such a sharp change of concept, I have not even found anything to say except:

“To Me to Eat”

Due to the fact that my husband and I have often talked about my and his childhood lately, I asked him about the brightest day he has ever remembered. From the first person.



The brightest memory, unfortunately, is associated with the greatest fear. I came from school, I was 9-10 years old, I go into the yard and see a terrible picture. Probably, the child’s consciousness added a little gesture to the memories, but I remember this: in the courtyard of no one, absolute silence and the whole earth filled with bloody cloths, paper with bloody traces, everywhere red loci – everything was literally poured with blood. Naturally, I was frightened, the imagination began to paint a picture of the terrible massacre of my whole family.



I slipped down the fence and, lowering my head on my knees, grabbed her with my hands. The desire to cry restrained my thoughts of my further unpredictable fate. I don’t know how long I was sitting there, but my grandmother cried out from the house. I, not believing my happiness, ran to her, hugged and shouted something like, "Grandma, Grandma, you are alive, how well, I am so happy! “And I cried.

Further, I do not remember how it was, and what my grandmother replied to me.. she was probably very surprised by my reaction)



The very “moment of truth” I do not remember, well, that is, how I was reassured and explained what happened. But in fact it was so: my father and my baptist worked in the garage, the baptist scattered his leg with something, scattered heavily, after which he ran out into the yard and began to run from side to side.

The father grabbed a bite of newspapers and clothes and tried to stop the blood by attaching them to the foot of a running baptist.

Having seen all this from the window, the mother ran to the neighbor and asked him to take them to the injury, and everyone, except the grandmother, left, and she was just going to clean everything.

Everything went well, the saint is alive and healthy to this day.



For a few days I was afraid to fall asleep, as the fantasy offered me in the dream new and new alternative versions of what happened.



Mother, by the way, insists that there was very little blood, there was no "lush" at all, there were clothes and paper, but not so much)

Nevertheless, I still remember in detail a picture that can compete with many horror films.)

When the world plans to replace humans with robots, we want to make humans become robots until age 65.

People like to confuse themselves with questions. Questions arise differently and begin to torment him from early childhood: Where does Santa live? Where do children come from? What happens if you put a light bulb in your mouth? If a whale fights an elephant, who will win? Where to get money for food and mortgage? What is the meaning of life and is there life on Mars?
Recently, one of the same small and annoying questions came to me: How can the workers of the N-CKoy network of stores so incredibly accurately calculate the number of pieces of cheese, independently packaged by the store into the food film, that with the twelve-hour storage period assigned after the package, there is no shortage of it on the shelves, just as there is no mountains of cheese in garbage containers? A natural, but not a good idea has been stolen – do the shop workers repackage yesterday’s cheese at the beginning of the next day again and do not mark it again? No, it cannot be. Simply, it is somewhat strange to see that a whole shelf of appetizing cheese sectors, still lying in the evening with labels with the expiration date "Today", disappears at night, and in the morning appears on the shelf already "fresh" cheese with the fresh labels "Today". The cheese fairy? most likely.
The day tormented me this question, the second. Of course, as the lawyers say, the proof of guilt lies on the side of the accusation. But how to prove? And I remembered a book from my childhood (there was such a fun before - books to read) about Robert Williams Wood - a talented, bright and humorous physicist-scientist. This is a moment in the life of a scientist.
In the university pension for a long time among student residents there was a terrible suspicion that the morning hot is prepared from the remains of yesterday’s lunch, collected from plates. The suspicion was very natural, as the fried meat for breakfast always followed the steak the day before. But how to prove it? Wood scratched his head and said, “I think I’ll be able to prove this with the help of a Bunzen burner and a spectroscope.” He knew that lithium chloride was a completely safe substance, very similar to ordinary salt in appearance and taste. He also knew that the spectroscope could detect the smallest traces of lithium in any material if it was burned in a colorless flame. Lithium gives a known red spectral line. When the students were served a steak for lunch the next day, Rob left on his plate a few large and seductive slices dried with lithium chloride. The next morning, the breakfast particles were hidden in the pocket, taken to the laboratory and burned in front of the spectroscope. The betrayal red line of lithium appeared - weak, but clearly visible. The deception was uncovered.
But back to our cheese. Wood’s method didn’t suit me. I made it easier. Shortly before the closure of the store, I approached the shelf I was interested in, took one of the pieces in my hands, made sure that the expiration date is tonight and put it in the previous place. And the next morning, entering the store right with its opening, I within a few seconds found my yesterday’s piece and, having been reliably convinced that it was it, bought it. The cheese was “today.” You may ask, how could I be sure? And everything is very simple: on the eve of the evening, with the blade of the office knife, I made a careful undetectable piercing and inserted a small neodymium MAGNIT into a piece of cheese.
The next morning, with the usual old pioneer compass, half hidden in my palm, I had no trouble taking the cheese in my hands, literally from the second attempt to find exactly the piece that I remembered and marked the evening. At home, I was convinced that my suspicions were justified.
The risk that one of the buyers would break a tooth on the magnet was minimal, so the interval between putting and removing the magnet was minimal. The bladder and the magnet are pre-sterilized with alcohol.

A new rabbi in the synagogue. He reads the Shma prayer and half of the synagogue stands up. The other half begins to shout at them and say, “Sit down!The first says to the second, “This is you, get up!“”
Rebecca ends up in trouble and goes to Zadiq in the morning.
Asks: say, I don’t know what the true tradition of reading “Shma” is.
Should Jews Stand Up?
– No, there is no such tradition... – replies the Tsadik.
Is the tradition sitting?
“No, it doesn’t say,” replies the Tsadik, “there is no such tradition.
So why did one half of the synagogue break with the other?! to
We have such a tradition!