Once I met an old acquaintance, a woman under 50. Talked, she began to complain about life: she has a bad relationship with her son-in-law, but he does not complain about her. Well, it happens. What is new, I ask? Yes, she says, to the daughter with her son-in-law came to visit finally, a whole month visited. Imagine a lazy man like that! He works only half a day, then comes home and plays tanks. His salary is good, of course, his car and his apartment. I tell him that you’re at home? Take a taxi! He is just cuddling.



I tell them that repairs need to be done. It is a shame to bring guests into such an apartment. They found a master by acquaintance, discussed everything with him and his daughter. The son-in-law agreed, paid the task to the master. He worked for a week and disappeared, left behind a ruin - the floor of the apartment without electricity, there is no water in the kitchen. I had to look for a new master, but everyone who came the price once and a half above called, like a lot to rework now.



I’m sitting there myself, saying, that’s the same nonsense. And I think about myself: and really, and why was the son-in-law on her, actually?

This happened when I was young. It happened shortly. We walked once with a girl and had to go through a fairly large area of private construction. Let’s go and talk. The sun shines and the birds sing. The beauty! And here we have to cross a parallel street through a narrow street. I approach him, I hear some knocks and loud cries, but I can't understand the words. Well, little, private houses, someone is building or farming what does. We turn around and see the oil painting. At our back is a man with a healthy thigh in his hands. In the palm range and meter two length. And here he makes a battle cry and scatters this dough from all over the fence. The debris of the fence board flies out in all directions. There was something uncomfortable with me. Clear pen forward unnoticed not to go back, back back back reasonably, but in front of the girl is embarrassing (the fool is young). And she grabbed me and whispered something like running away from here. And then this man turned... a distorted wild, evil face and a huge bowl in his hands... I expected everything, but not what happened. His face clarified, broke out in a wide smile and he said:

Nothing, nothing please go through. Sorry for the concern, we have neighboring affairs.

My wife and I are a machine chorus (!) said thank you. I even shrugged my head a little, like a gift. They quickly passed by, curled behind the corner and again heard the battle cry and the whistle of oak strikes on the fence.

Nevertheless, how nice when you are surrounded by polite people who do not interfere with strangers in their discussions!

A woman decides to make a boost for her 50th anniversary. She spends 5000 bucks and as a result feels great.

On the way home, she stops at a stand with newspapers to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she asks the seller:

You don’t mind if I ask you, “How old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” was the answer.

No is! I am exactly 50! The woman answers happily.

A little later, she goes to McDonald’s and asks the young cashier the same question.

The girl answers:

I think about 29.

The woman replies: No! I am 50!

She feels absolutely happy. Walking through the street, she looks into the pharmacy. She goes to the bar and asks the same question.

The seller answers:

I think 30.

The woman says proudly that:

“I’m 50, but thank you!”

Waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an elderly man at the stop the same question. He answered:

“You know, dear, I am 78 years old and my vision is gone. But when I was young, there was a precise method to determine the age of a woman. It sounds uncomfortable, but it will require you to allow me to put my hands under your shovel... Only then can I tell you exactly how old you are.



She waited in silence for a moment on an empty street, until her curiosity surpassed her shame:

“Fuck him, go ahead!”

He slipped with both hands under her chest, slowly drove around, pressed and weighed each chest, gently touched the nipples, rubbed the chest against each other.

After a few minutes of feeling, she asks:

How old am I?

He finished his last compression, pulled out his hands and replied:

You are exactly 50 years old!



Stunned and upset, the woman asks:

It’s incredible, how did you know it so exactly? You must be an extraterrestrial?! to

What the man replied:

“No, I just stood behind you in a line at McDonald’s.

I studied at the 1st course of the Institute, and I had a computer and a printer at home. There was no money. I decided to do a set of text on order. Then the service was not to be directly popular, but in demand. I printed less quickly.

I gave an announcement to the newspaper - a set of text, 4 rubles per page, on the bottom line of the rest of the sentences. I didn’t have a cell phone at the time, I had a pager and a city phone.

The first client, we called, we met. Student from the Construction Institute. I need to print a course. About 50 to 60 pages. It has a source printed, but where the numbers are, everywhere is corrected with a pen or pencil, what it should be. Okay, agreed, I printed it all in 3 days (then the first time I encountered the concept of deadline - as usual most of the last evening left, which gradually flowed into the night and morning)

In general, he calculated, everything was okay, and a day later his friend called, with a similar request. The same exchange rate, only the figures on the others are corrected, and the correction handwriting is worse. But since the source is already in electronic form, the work is much less, and agreed for half the price. I start typing the text, and after a few pages I understand that the numbers do not beat. When I first printed, I got a little into the essence, I don't remember the essence of the work, but it makes sense that some calculation is made from the source data. I call this guy:



- Listen, such a problem, from about 6 pages, the numbers that are corrected with the pen are not beat, there are errors going on. I do, of course, I re-print, but if the teacher understands the essence, it will clearly be seen that the calculations are wrong. Who wrote those numbers?

Fucking shit, fucking shit. Everything will come to light, dumb. These numbers were calculated by Krendel, first by Vital (this is the first customer) and then by me. And you won’t ask him, he went to another city.

This is short, think what to do.

Well, once you realized that the numbers are wrong, do you understand the essence of the calculation?

- Well, not to understand directly, but I can figure out where it comes from, there are the main starting figures, and then the pure arithmetic is going. The graphics should be painted differently.

- And so, I will pay you the full price for the sheet, as for a new set, and you will do everything as you should.

Well, just need a few more days.

No question, I agreed.

I did this course for him, he calculated. And the next day again from him on the pager message. They called.

- Listen, this is the case, the course passed, do it all. Here we still have people suffering, they have purely preliminary data, and no calculations. You’ve gotten married, maybe you’ll get married? I gave them 10 rubles. for a list, if any.

Fuck, it is interesting. Well, let me try it.

In total, he did another 5 courses with the same machinery. It was true in a couple of places to figure out where the values went down, but it came out. The man then served this beer for mediation.

has long been



They washed clothes and hanged them on the balcony.



Tonight I come from work, wife.

The wind was strong. The neighbor came down and brought your cowards. He threw her onto the balcony.

Yes, it was uncomfortable.



And there is a check shot: "How does the neighbor know that these are your cowards? “!”

If it is not possible to raise the economy, they have decided to raise taxes.

Meeted now in Domodedovo his acquaintance, they and his wife from Ruasi arrived. She is somewhere there in the line to register home, and he sits mindful and fingers on his legs with some white insulating.
“Well, what about you,” I said, “Sanya, Paris, were you there for the first time?
- And in the last, - sneaky sneezed Sanya and literally in five minutes on a pure clown tells me all his difficult impressions, I broadcast:
- In short, we settled with my wife on the right bank, in a five-star house near the Opera, and as a five-star house, the house is old, the stairs are narrow, the elevators are tiny, intimate tight, the staff don't care about you, don't like - the air conditioner, normal pillows have never been asked, after the Thai-Turkish five, the contrast is extremely dramatic.
Portier in the first evening recommended the Michelin restaurant nearby, gave for dinner with wine more than two hundred euros, and what they ate by way and did not understand although the waiters behind the back in the wall built up and chorded something. As a result, they did not eat enough, bought some bread with grass at the corner, melted, went to sleep.
I woke up in the morning and went for a walk. On the sidewalks, rubbish, dogs everywhere, the Arabs in every cafe with clouds, the French butchers past them steal by the wall. And French women, honestly, were like that.
To Montmartre came - in general, Cherkizón, a thief around, a piece of ruin, kebabs, sex shops, and hairdressers these African shepherds!
The subway went down, everything was polluted, refugees with families of twenty rill and Mickey Mouse running outdoors. We got to Eiffelovka - metal, the line under the floor stood from a kilometer, got up, the elevator like a cattle car, and the city itself is somewhat gray, the houses are generally the same, and the rain in the board is small, disgusting as an aerosol.
In the Elysée generally do blackheads, prices are horse, Asians are altars, bombers with dogs, and some fools protesting at almost every lighthouse. Decorated, of course, everything for Christmas, but in Moscow and cooler will be.
Moulin Rouge did not come in any way, although the most expensive tickets were bought for the first tables. The girls are dancing, the rows of all are essengeshne, the shoes are stacked, the costumes are drawn, the threads are torched.
A couple of days in the shops were killed, some channels were recruited, the hell knows, in my opinion, and the houses of such already full, one that my drum about some new collections.
I took the excursions, too. I liked Peterhof more than Versailles in the summer. A bunch of these ancient castles have traveled around, they have gone around everything, their legs are sturdy, and in their heads only full of nonsense from their people!
He threw the remains of the isolant into the urn and breathed.
But, you know... a couple of times a old man came to us in the group. Like a newbie. He is the chairman of the Russian-French Friendship Society. Speaking such, sociable, and with the French la-la-la and told us everything about himself.
He arrived in Paris on a little bit of a course, the road was paid to him and a month of stay in a hostel on the outskirts. There in this hostel he is given a croissant with a briket of oil and a glass of juice in the morning. For lunch, he takes the wine from the baccalaea for 0.8 euros, which the meat when roasted is watered and this long baget. Half a bottle with half a baget he plants for lunch and the rest for dinner. Even on the subway never went, but the whole of Paris has already stumbled on foot, everything run around - squares, museums, monuments, churches, cemeteries...
And the most interesting thing - happy as an elephant on a water drink! It shines out of happiness, even if you write it out. Money is less than d’Artagnan’s, and he’s a puppy!
Sanya stretched out her socks and shrugged her head discouraged:
- And here for three hundred euros a day you roll and exhaust nothing good, with the wife in this Lafayette whispered a joke, not rest, but torture, in restaurants to eat essentially nothing, meat with blood tired of chewing, one shaurma and took at the end, I go, out, barely, I saw what these frogs instead of a patch in the pharmacy moved me?
He hardly put on his shoes and shrugged his head again:
- And this old whisper is still worn like a Doberman around the city! I am happy... It is unfortunate!
The wife called and Sanya, saying goodbye, stumbled to the stand. Then he turned and repeated:
It’s just offensive, you know?

by robertyumen

Mystery for lawyers: will they be seized for calls to preserve the constitutional order?

Usually, a colleague at work every day periodically stands up and walks around the table every 30-40 minutes. Sitting 5-10 times. At first he was stabbed. I wanted to do it openly, but I was ashamed. And the laughter of others did not inspire optimism. I think in the morning and in the evening. I sit there too, but not to see others. I also find it strange that I am not forced to openly do so, but it is easier.

But I was surprised by something else. My colleague did nothing today. I came to ask what happened. And he says - my bracelet discharged in the morning and left it at home on the charging. So, he says, I am free today.

I am an officer. Did you do it for yourself or for the bracelet? He slightly reddened and revealed himself: to me, he says, if I do not do the norm, the wife does not give, so I do it for the bracelet, and for myself too.

My husband rented his apartment. One evening he asked me confusedly:

Do we have a remedy for cockroaches?

Not at home. And what happened? Why Why? I begin inquiries.



My husband told me that in the afternoon he went to clean in the apartment after another apartment guests. And he said, "I was already leaving the apartment," he said, "as I see, in the hallway on the wall floats a huge cockroach. I have never seen such big ones. All beautiful, all brilliant. Horses are like that. I was confused at first. But what to do? The turtle in the apartment... I tapped it and threw it out. Where could he come from? »



A few days later, when the husband returned to his apartment, a neighbor's boy approached him and asked:

Have you seen Dimon?

to whom? He asked again.

The Demon of us, the cockroach.



After that, the situation became clearer.



Neighbors have a son. He is 9 years old. A boy locked in. So this boy has a very original hobby. He holds decorative cockroaches in the old aquarium. The boy gives them human names. His parents honestly admitted that some of his pets had escaped. Not all the fugitives were found. One of those who escaped is the same Dimon.



To the honest narrative of the neighbors, my husband also honestly confessed to them that he had killed him with a tapk. The boy's parents told him that, probably, "Dimon" had escaped to the street and would not return.



Sorry for “Dimon!” Nothing personal