There is one woman in the workplace. not stupid. She knew all the work processes so much that, knowing how to search with the head of the department, she pushed decisions by which those duties she previously performed were transferred by order to other persons. It was not bad enough to discharge itself in a couple of years. Then, with the next optimization from above, it turned out that it was practically not doing anything and was first reduced.

I worked with my future wife in the same office and in the same office. She is an accountant, and I am Sysadmin. We just started somehow communicating and showing a little sympathy. Once we drank tea together, we talked, and she told me that for a week she’s been doing some kind of boredom by compiling a few huge tables in Excel.



I will not remember the specific task over the years, but the essence was about something: we take a line from the first file, there is a transaction code. In the second and subsequent documents there are one or more relevant lines of this transaction, but with other data (the payment there is somewhat broken or something else), while the code of this line contains the source code, but the format has a different, and even a few different types. You need to find these corresponding rows, count by the formula of numbers from different columns, and if the result did not coincide with the source file - it means something is not hit there, and you need to clarify these transactions.



In fact, the task of the spouse and was to make a list of transactions and contractors for which something is missing. Documents on several hundred lines each, and the task is repeated every quarter. Time she usually spent about a week on it, headaches and red eyes were attached.



After asking for details and realizing that the task is absolutely routine, and it is her sin not to automate, I suggested it. As a result, got a few examples of old files with already known results to practice, started to perform.

Well, short of my knowledge of VBA and macros Excel was enough for a couple of days I presented her the first version of the "program", where it was enough to put all the files in one folder, call the desired names and click the "Make beautiful" button on the form - and after a couple of minutes was ready the final file, satisfying the desired result. The list appeared, the desired rows in the source files were highlighted in color so that they could be easily found.



The girl was delighted, even more, to spend two minutes on what she had done before a week!

Of course, then there were a few cracks, then there was a new form of originals, I worked out my macros several times, and then I left that office, we married, began to live, and sometimes this story with macros to remember.

Morality: Knowledge of even the basics of programming can be useful in completely unpredictable circumstances. Or not.

A colleague at work told me how scary and unusual he once caught a stroke. The case was three years ago. A colleague, let’s call him Juric, a man of moderate responsibility, almost an athlete, cuddles only on Fridays and rarely on Saturdays. In general, on that shit day, he was sitting at work not as usual until six o’clock in the evening, and asked home early, what kind of anxiety he was. So rushed home that even the phone left at work. He jumped into the road, his last stop in Murino, and fell asleep on the road, without sticking to the phone. He wakes up in the bus next to his new buildings why he is completely alone, even driving somewhere gone, can smoke. Yes, and kiss him, Yuri scratched to his new buildings to have time to rest until the next working day. He goes, rushes, but only his legs, like strangers after sleep, as if they were hanging in the asphalt. Difficult to get to the paradehouse, he sees the door on the doorstep, there is no light on the site. Well, he thinks, crazy builders, the conduction shit, the tension does not hold. He goes up to the elevator and it doesn’t work. Nothing to do, walk to the sixth floor. It rises, and the legs in general, like in viscous clay, barely walk around the thunder, only high in the thunder light burns and some sound is low, like from a diesel engine. Yuri was already frankly crazy and scary, the thought was only to get there. On the third flight he decided to sit down to rest. He went down the staircase, massaged his legs, suddenly felt as if someone's hand was on his shoulder, turned back, and there in the darkness was a silhouette, you can figure out who. Jurets walked out of fear and fainted, and woke up already in the hospital bed, all in the tubes. He waited for his sister and immediately asked who brought him here. In short, it turned out that he fell unconscious at work, a stroke happened to him, and everything else absorbed him like in a good movie, only with personal participation. Life has gradually improved, the legs walk, the head thinks, although health can no longer be restored. This movie with the main role will never be forgotten.

Recently, a friend brought a three-minute video and complained that his computer does not play this format, and he needs to watch a video recording of an administrative violation.



I turned it on and I watched. On the screen of a large online store. People are fine and all without masks.

- Well, I say, how many violators, choose to taste.

- No, the massive regime was introduced since Monday, and this filming was earlier.



This is the man in shorts! Look, he takes tomatoes from the shelf and eats, and he also feeds a friend!

No, he is not a violator.

Not a violator? Tomato bitten twice and put it in place. Then I did the same with the apple.

We are not doing that. These are small things. I recently watched a citizen clean up a kilogram of bananas, put them in a bag and went to the box to pay. And you can’t do anything with such images, but here’s our offender!



I looked up and saw a young man with a little dog in his arms.

What is his violation?

He went into the store with the dog, and it was forbidden! Now, at least, you will get a fine of one minimum, everything can be turned off.



My friend left, and I thought. If so much surprising happened in a few minutes, why would the employees of the store look there all day?

I worked in a bank in 2007. Upon coming to this bank, he purchased a new server, put a new backdrop there, raised the DC, stretched and set up the network, purchased and set up new machines for operationalists, everything went on, everything works. Such a bank, yes. There were no networks for many. But it is not about that.

The case goes by the end of the year. I’m already sitting and just monitoring the car, backpacker. I have no programming to do.

I notice that the headbuck (D) has been delayed for almost a week until night. I wonder what happened.

G: Yes, the annual balance sheet

I: Well, that’s how the first day can do it. Let me find how

G: Yes, it can do it, but the problem is in another. In the first place, only part of the transactions have been overdue since they were implemented. Secondly, there is an old upper day and there is still a portion of transactions except for those that did not get there due to accidents and only payments remained from those transactions.

I: Yes, and what are you doing?

G: - Well, I have an old opername, there is a new one, there are text files with payments. That’s what I put in Excel and count it.

I : I understood. I can help. Tell me what should be and how to count.

He raised his eyebrows, but began to tell. As a result, I realized that in principle it is enough html pages, where for each account you need to show the remains. Show me where the data is.

I took perl in my hands and went fucking. I started with a new opera. I made a request to him, in the BD, pulled out the data in the desired format. The second is the old day. DB is dbf. Also relatively simply excavated from there. The third is text files. Somewhere cp866, somewhere 1251... Of course regexpy! It lasted a little longer, but it also wore. From time to time I went to the headmaster, showed the intermediate and found out if I was going right. On the third day, she started helping me. About the double book told, places helped to find errors in the logic of calculations. Overall, for two or three weeks, this is how we worked with her in the team and we gave the result. I was happy, I don’t even know who. I said I would spend at least two months.

He gave me a reward for such good work. And until now, when meeting, he always greets, smiles, is interested in business, and so on.

It is easier to be a happy man than a happy woman.

Why so expensive?

The Customer:
How much will it cost to perform this work?
The Master:
– $1500
The Customer:
Why so expensive?
The Master:
How much do you think it will cost if you do it yourself?
The Customer:
Maximum of $800. On the other hand, it does not seem to be a difficult job.
The Master:
For $800 I offer you to do it yourself.
The Customer:
But... I can’t!
The Master:
Well well! I will teach you this work for $800 and you will gain the knowledge for the next such event.
The Customer:
This is an interesting proposal. I agree!
The Master:
- So, you need to have with you: welding machine, electric saw, drill, gloves and...
The Customer:
and stop! I don’t have all this equipment and I’m not going to buy it just for this job!
The Master:
In that case, for this work, for $300 I can rent you the tools.
The Customer:
Well well!
The Master:
We have agreed! We are waiting for you on Tuesday to do the work.
The Customer:
and hm. I cannot on Tuesday.
The Master:
Sorry, but I’m only free on Tuesday. All other days are occupied with other orders.
The Customer:
Okay okay! I have to change my plans.
The Master:
“I’ll gather all the necessary materials and you’ll have to load the car on Tuesday at 6 a.m. Please do not be late.
The Customer:
At six in the morning? No is! I am not comfortable at all. You know, I’ll probably still pay you those $1500. After all, I myself understand that I will still not be able to do this work qualitatively and I already understand that it will cost me much more in the end.

I don’t watch TV at all, and politics, especially, I’m not interested in, but here I accidentally saw the speech of Vladimir Vladimirovich. is admired! How he spoke directly about what the country was brought to: about corruption, about rotting officials, impersonally criticized the situation with medicine, education, space... No one is suitable for him. Who should be elected President of Russia? ... what? How are twenty years?! to

I remembered one case. Leased in a year like 2008 for the purpose of producing furniture, the room was not expensive, completely empty, there was never heating, iron gates without a hint of any type of seal, 3 phases were introduced, and the accounting shield. tk. They knew what they were going to do, improved in the shortest possible time, made heating, lighting, changed the gate and it was fine. Time passed, the work burst. A year later, the landlord, apparently looking at what magnificence it gives almost for nothing, decided to raise the price to the level of the corresponding property. Without thinking for a long time, we come to the industrial zone across the road, the squares are slightly smaller, but the conditions were as early as before. Demonstrated heating, lighting, returned to the place the old gates - in general left as it was.

by the tenant:????? to

I have a friend, Julia, with whom we worked in school a long time ago. At that time she was a young girl after pedinstudy. She was appointed a class leader in 10th grade. In the classroom was Vanya, a very good guy, an outstanding, an activist and all that. He helped Julia, literally taking over her chief. Of course, it became her favorite.



Ten years passed, she was married, moved to Orenburg, but she always remembered Vania, such a good guy. I didn’t only know what happened to him, I only knew that he went to medical school.



Julia had a second pregnancy, she was thirty, became ill, was taken to the hospital by an ambulance. In the reception room sent to the examination room, said wait, now the gynecologist will come, he will examine you. She sat and waited for the doctor, the door opened and Ivan Dmitrievich entered, who graduated from the medical university a few years ago, and, despite his youth, had time to become a very promising gynecologist. It was the same Vanya, her best student and favorite.



According to Julia, at this point she almost had a heart attack, the meeting went to fame.

Most loudly about the greatness, significance, national exceptionality of the lambs are claimed by those who cut and cut these lambs.

The Money Rain

End of the 70s. I, a very young virgin, was going to go wildly to Crimea. She got her first vacation in her life at her first job, her parents also added money, but everything was somehow not very large bills. Even in those good Soviet times, people were afraid of their money. Where did I hide them? Of course, where they were hidden by all women at all times, in the underwear...

In addition to me, there were three other men in my coupe, well very suspicious... They immediately got a drink and sat down to play cards for a small amount of money. I stood on the upper shelf and guarded them from above. Until I fell asleep tired.

I woke up from the wild. Apparently I was sleeping restlessly, swirling, and my money, carefully wrapped in a towel, turned out and broke out of my still small underwear to freedom.

Men sit down, drink Port Wine Agdam, play cards, complain that the salaries are small, and suddenly my holidays start to fall quietly on their heads. This kind of money rains mainly from five-ruble notes. And as a bonus, I hang from the top shelf, all so beautiful, young, roasted and choking myself for the chest.

They ran like horses... They gathered all my savings and gave them back to me. Normal men have arrived. Thro the way, we drank tea together, featured foods on the road and joke anecdotes. The train approached Simferopol. And likewise, the times of the disintegration of the Soviet Union and the fall of the Soviet Union were unremittingly approaching. This is life...

The middle class in Russia is those people who are told in the store:
There was a little over half a kilo of sausage.
And they answer:
Let it leave.

When I was 15 years old, a neighbor came to visit us. We sat down, we drank tea, and she began to complain to her husband that she started drinking, quietly, she noticed that the guilt of the household became much less. My mother, a fan of joke, came up with such a plan, "revenge": in the box where there was wine, put a large drawing of the dule.

I painted the doula, it came out to me very picturesque. We were so cuddling, just waiting for him to open the closet, and there was a douleur. What kind of face will he have. The neighbor put a drawing and cleaned the wine.

Further silence, a week, two, a neighbor says that the husband is frozen, did not show, is silent. We don’t ask for wine...we have forgotten this story.

20 years have passed. I sat in a cafe with the daughter of the same neighbor who was visiting us at the time. I remembered and told her the story of her father, as we painted him. I realize that my friend’s expression has changed. And here is the end of our joke... It turns out it was she, drinking wine, (she was 13 years old, no one could think of her, an outstanding woman) and she saw the same joke, and her father was not at business at all. It turns out we thought so about the man!

I worked at a guard. A lot of people from the eastern republics worked there. Mostly Muslims. They had a mule. And since the internet did not exist at all, it was necessary to change movies to color the leisure. When the set of art films ended, I dropped a lot of the BBC documentary Earth. Biography of the planet. After a while, this mule approaches me and says, “You don’t give this movie to anyone anymore!” and ah. With Hera?

He said that God created the earth. I’m trying to tell him that in the movie it’s not about who, but how. But he insists that the film is wrong and that God created the earth. Somehow it was even sad for him. Whether he was born like that, or... yeah.

P.S By the way, when you watch this movie you realize that such a number of coincidences are not coincidental.

I remembered another story from the sanatorium, where I worked as the head of IT.

Winter, clothes, something sick from the sky. I sit in my office, pressing the buttons. A call from a distant corps.

- Max, here is the cartridge, let somebody come and change it.

Okay, we will arrange it.

I go to the department with the guys. There are two admins, the others have gone somewhere.

- Men, here in the office 123 I need to change the cartridge, who will go?

The men look out the window, at me.

1: I just came.

And it’s ugly on the street.

I: Let’s throw a coin? Choose who what.

I have an eagle! And you are participating?

It is really ugly on the street. I don’t want to get rid of the context.

I: - I, as the boss, will finally reveal and my rib will be.

So, then I have a problem, what...

I get a coin and throw it. It failed to catch, she hits the table, jumps, jumps away from the floor and dives behind the plinth at the wall.

On the rib.

I: Fuck, no one pulled my tongue.

Men are laughing.

I take the cartridge, carry it, change it. Because I have to keep my word :)

An old, but relatively harmless aviation-military joke. For those who are not familiar with military aviation, personnel are fed for free (both flight and technical, but according to different norms). Previously even dining rooms were different, then in the 90s combined. Servants, white cakes, several dishes to choose from. In the second, the garnery always consisted of two parts (half of the purple, half of the oatmeal, for example). That is, the memories. The very salt of the joke, strangely enough, consisted precisely in the "white salt death": someone caught the fly and threw it into the soup and there was poured out a sauce of salt. Then the waitress was called and needed to replace the "first". Replacement was done, as a rule, unquestionably, and the table was shut up in anticipation of disconnection. After some time, a loud cry of indignation spread across several tables: "Well, what a fool has so much exaggerated!!!!“”

When I get to know the new class, I read the name and surname of each, I ask to raise the hand to see the child. As always, the first reading is not without curries. I warn the children in advance not to be offended. But this time it was different...

I am I, D is children.

I: So, we have timers (read with emphasis on E)

You are the first to read correctly!!! to

I: It wasn’t difficult (and in my head right away: “For THEMERY!!!”)

This is how the Witch helped me easily get into the circle of children.

Once, I was arranged a traveling admin for money. Everyone was attached to their clients, and I was placed in emergencies, such as an ambulance. A good thing. In these four months, I have seen so many accidents that I can’t count. All sorts of blue screens, white smoke from the body and so on. And I have an experience, clean ten years have come up by that time. Well, it is understandable, in my farm I just never brought to such a point that the computer from birth never understood until the hard is covered. With all the accounting, ah.

One case I remembered and I now tell it to young admins as an anecdote-instruction. I was invited to the accounting office of a small but well-known publisher. The black screen. Of course, it happens.

I sat down, turned on the computer. There is a bios, there are booklets, then instead of the screens a black screen. The light bulb flashes, as usual. The VGA cable? No, there were booklets in the bios. Video drivers are flying? No, it would be seen. The monitor blinked? I turned off the monitor and turned it on. The black screen. The second monitor to check, no. I regretted that it was not Linux, so maybe in the neighboring console would be able to get out. With a short double press, I turn off the computer. I lay under the table, pulling the rubber on the food block. Well, the fuck knows, with a drum, there is nothing to jump if there is no thought. I Include. I go to the bios - nothing unusual, the key is normal, the video built-in. It’s a pity that it won’t work, and the booklets are here. I am out of bios. Loading and black screen. Double press, turn off, turn on, F8, safe mode. The black screen. and fucking.

And it has been 7 to 8 minutes, for this time the accountant has already managed to go in three times and ask how things are and what is so long.

I turn my mind again. Wood - no, video card - no, cable - no, monitor - no, everything is not. Ordinary accounting in accounting. The monitor... Here I lean to the table and see three cables going from the back of the monitor. The WTF? It turns out the day before that my colleague, attached to this publishing house, configured the server, connecting it to this comp DVI cable and so it turned on the monitor and left. One end in the monitor, the other on the floor. Windy, feeling that this monitor port was busy with something, pulled him in. Wow to all of you. Everything is ready, take it. And he made a fat side on his nose - before looking at an unfamiliar computer in the front, bypass it from behind for surprises.

The next day the boss calls. “How is it?” He asks. I tell how things are. “Someone has to go to the publisher again.” “Well I go.” “No is. They ask for another master, they say, you sent us something new yesterday, we asked him to help, and he was sitting like a dude, looking at the black monitor for ten minutes.

Sometimes it’s much easier than you think :)

An ordinary morning call.

Don’t go to the computer, you can go.

I will now.



I calmly go in a good mood, again a capsule, a numb, not that paper, not that button, etc. Well, what do you have? Here, I type a password, and the computer restarts. Hm, a little worse than I thought, but not scary, let’s fix. I try, really, starts the system login, 2-3 seconds, restart.



Wind of Seven. I tried the manager, the same result. Go to Safe Mode. Everything is okay, everything works, the Internet is there, the antivirus does not bother, in the events only numerous, unexpected completions of work.



I watch the car loading, everything is normal, I watch the programs, nothing special. I clean up the unnecessary. I try to load, the same. Again a safe system.



The first thought, something starts loading and cuts the system. There is virtually nothing in the car. I try it, I try it, zero. Okay, for any case, I’m browsing another antivirus, including a check. Too much time has passed for such a problem. On the compact, the usual hard and reboot are tired. While the antivirus checked, removed and removed something else.



Antivirus says everything is fine. I try it, zero. well well. I have to turn off 2-3 services. I turn off, reboot, turn off, reboot. I pulled the wires for the case, zero.



Arrived at the network. I turned off. I reboot it, it works! well well. I issue, admin rights and turn on the network service, immediately restart. It is great! The problem narrowed and I will fix it soon, I thought.



Safe mode, I include everything I disconnected, I cut off the network card, restart, it works. Turn on the network, restart. Great, some program when the network appears, something begins to do and this leads to a reboot, or the network itself slides. In safe mode, it works perfectly.



I remove everything I can, it doesn’t help. Time is going. By the way, if it were not the computer of the chief accountant, on which a lot of everything, I would not have been involved for 5 minutes, I would immediately reinstall everything and forget. But this is another! Backups are made once a week, something every day, and there is a general backup. But in time, as it seemed easier to find a problem, I thought so.



After a while, I have the following. If you pull out the network cable, everything works, even if the grid is turned on. It needs to be removed, immediately removed. All drivers have been updated. A separate network card was inserted and removed, which behaved the same way.

I sit and dumb. There is still a version that someone breaks in Inet when it appears. However, I have already removed everything, including the antivirus and turned it off. I get the parameters by DHCP, I prescribe manually, zero. I just try to leave a locker. It works!



and Taak! The problem completely narrowed. Restart occurs only when the Internet appears.

Meanwhile, it’s about lunch, I’m sitting awkwardly long.

What else to check? Is this the internet? I go to the neighbor’s computer and pick up a proxy. I connect to. It works!



Give it up! Dear accountant, you can work, but I won't let you go for the computer, because it's a nonsense that I don't understand, and I'm going to understand further.



So then. Everything works, there is the internet. I turn on, install, and return everything as it was. Everything works great.



and OK. I prescribe the gateway, reboot. Again safe mode, I clean the gateway. Everything works.

Restart occurs if a gateway is written on the network card. That is, the main router sends invisible rays of death and kills everything.



I sit and dumb. I no longer think about time. There is a hunt, the accountant has already sent a walk.

What else to try? I go to the router and change the address. He was 192. and 168. 0 0 0 11 is



I put another. I Include. It works!



What? ! to I am in shock.



Soon, I write the gate back 192. and 168. 0 0 0 11 is The reboot!

I write in the gate, any numbers, everything works. As of 192. and 168. 0 0 0 11 to restart. I look for these numbers in the register, without hope. Zero of emotions.



The situation is wonderful. It works, but what is it? ! to

Changing the router address is not an option. It is easier to make a proxy. Check it all works. Leaving, for any case, I kill magic numbers again, reboot.



It’s been more than six months, I didn’t fit this compass anymore. There was acasia to change the hard to the SSD. I remember the problem. I try, everything is old, reboot sweet)

I plug in the SSD, install the Windows. Interesting one is to find out who it was that confused me so a few months ago. Wendy, she is the same. In the new system, everything works well.



I left that window. It has been more than a year, recently loaded, tried, all the old way.



The mystery is still relevant. The computer restarts when you hit the gate 192. and 168. 0 0 0 11 and turn off the cable.