At work, we have one coffee maker for everyone. One morning I went to the toilet to pick up water, but looking at myself in the mirror, I decided to fix my hair and color.

I should have spent a lot of time in this class, because under the door of the toilet colleagues pushed a note: "Your took, agree to any ransom, only return the coffee machine! "

I go to the office, chew the bread, pick up the billboards.

Behind the compost is a man sitting, we looked at each other, and I continued to chew, took the plugs and went.

He says to me: Who are you?

I am the driver, and you?

He: I am the director.

Dmitry, I am very pleased.

I shake his hand and go under the wild whistle of colleagues.

I recently bought a puppy and I love it very much. The first days were hell, because he woke up before me and spotted the whole apartment. I just screamed a fool once, so he kept silent, so it lasted a little over a month until he started calling me a fool :(

by Freo-rohan

The child all day watching the cartoon "Awesome construction", there they talk about the basics of arithmetic. Dan and I are very tired of this work, so every question that sounds like, “Dear children, and how much...” is supplemented by the following:
How many years will the driver of a crane be paid for theft of building blocks?
- And how many years will the head of the construction company, who took the position of the driver of the crane bobra?

A girl came to me somehow, looking like 25-27, dressed not poorly, the bag is quite expensive and immediately to me:

- I want to order a dress from you tonight, I have a birthday soon, I need a very cool one.

They talked, they thought it was expensive. We counted the fabrics cheaper, removed a few elements - still expensive. I suggest her to go through the shops and see the ready, but here she says:

- Give me a dress for $2,000, and give me the rest for my birthday, I see that you are kind and responsive.

I may be good, but not stupid. Give me your dress and you pay me my working hours, it’s fair.

Are you sorry? I have three children, I raise them alone, live for nothing, and I want to look beautiful on my birthday, well, please enter my position!

"Sorry, but it's not me that gave you the children and I didn't leave you with them, so I think you shouldn't solve your financial problems either. Let’s do that and finish.

What began after that. I found myself a creature who hates children (they are not to blame for anything! ! to ! to She has no idea of female solidarity and mutual help, and in addition, God will punish me for thinking about money and not people. The lady went out loudly knocking at the door. It seems like the end of the story, but not.

Two weeks later, I discovered that person filling the threshold of my workshop with salt. When she saw me, she quickly threw a pack of salt into her bag and shouted:

This is a curse from me! May your whole life collapse and your workshop burn! and escaped. I didn’t even have time to answer. The camera was hanged.

I go into the entrance and see a company of drunkarders waiting for the elevator, which is waiting for me. Here is one of them addressing me:

(G is the goop, I am I)

Brother, are you riding a car?

I am well I.

G - you remove the registrar from the car, or it has been spied several times... you wanted to.

I am always cleaning.

I know all the topics, so believe me.

I was “a little” surprised.

The last week of 2015 was difficult. Documents that had to be studied for a week were not placed in the closet. I slept for 3-4 hours.



And here is the end of the 30th calendar. I went to the bus in the morning. I was sitting between an embal and a fat aunt. When I got hot, I fell asleep. And the bus is unusual - on the ring it does not go to the depot, but unfolds and goes back along the route.



I woke up when the car stopped in front of my house. With confidence. I had a hard working day behind my shoulders, I went out, got up and stuck in my pillow.



But the week was really tough: no one noticed my absence. Everyone was in the same condition at work.

The head of the pioneer camp, put an ultimatum, or Seroga becomes the head of some circle, or - better not to check.

How can I run a circle if I can’t do anything?

I will not sign a report on pedopractic.

.....

The next day, on the board of ads hanged a wrongly written poster inviting children to the circle "Young Astronaut". The curious leaders gathered to see what Sergei had invented. Thirty children were registered with him. He arranged them all in a circle, and himself stood in the center and, taking the most brave man for his hand and foot, slowly began to swing. Having made 5-6 turns, he dropped the future cosmonaut on the lawn and while he recovered, Seroga scattered another. The children were enthusiastic above the roof, and after the end of the class, they continued to run for Seroga for a long time and asked, "When will we fly into space next time? »

An old case at work. A former employee, a veteran, who has long been retired, died. We decided to make a necrologue, but there are no photos of it. The only thing they found was his old passport with a 3x4 photo. At that time, there was no good own equipment, they sent the employee to the photography studio, so that this photo would be enlarged there. She comes to the studio and says: I need to take a picture for the necrologist. She - yes, of course, please sit down (in the sense of a photo chair).

When I was 7-9 years old, an elderly uncle regularly walked along my house with some mental disorder. From a distance, this could be taken for Tourette syndrome.



He was looking around and shouting some strange phrases mixed with the mat, cladding the bag at the entrances. Moreover, it was something absolutely disconnected from the context, related to the missile complexes, the history of book printing, spicy with the ugar mother.



The funny thing was that the maternal interdomains were always clearly addressed to the grandmothers, and the rest of the story to the invisible listeners behind his back.

Stories were new every time, and the heroes were placed on the same staff members of the plot committee.



One day, my friend and I decided to go after him.

To our wild surprise, the uncle calmed down immediately after our house was finished and he was no longer distinguished from ordinary people. We followed him for about 10 minutes before realizing that we were probably facing the most astute grandfather in the world who just hated the grandmother at our house.



He was a hero the city deserved, but he was not prepared for.

I remembered a pretty crazy story.

I met one day in a distant youth with a girl. Lovely, modest and very smiling.

First, we invited you to drink coffee together. Then we went to the cinema. For the third time, we just went for a walk in the park near her house, because the day before, she hinted that her parents were leaving for the country.

She walked through the park and invited me to visit. We bought wine, drank and talked. Moved to bed. Two of them had sex. After all, we lie next to you. by Boltaem. I am slowly falling into sleep. At some point, she licked me on the cheek and said, “You have such a beautiful face... Can I cut it off and keep it for myself? » I dreamed like my hand. Words can be taken for a joke. It is said with a smile on the lips. The frost swept through my skin. There was a lack of humor. He joked in response, saying, “I will still need it myself.”

Well, we went to sleep. Somewhere in half an hour I began to fall asleep. And suddenly I crumble. There is no one on the bed. Looking around, a girl stands in the corner of the room.

I slept with my cousin in the same room last summer. The case is usual. Carefully brought to bed, laid. I spent an hour thinking about everything. Then I finally slept normally.

I wake up suddenly again. It is already lighting out the window. No one in the bed again. No one in the room. Fuck I think okay. Lunarity again. went to search.

I turn to the kitchen. She stands. Eyes are open. Looking at the floor. A kitchen knife in hand. He screams, he turns his head, but does not respond. He took the knife and put it in a drawer. took him to bed. I waited until he closed his eyes and woke up. He began to ask, not remembering that he was awake at all.

In short, she dressed up, apologized and went home to sleep. Until the face was cut off.

And when you go into the bathroom, sit on the toilet, you hear with good acoustics of the room the growing bull of the swirling helicopter, it is absolutely impossible to get rid of the unpleasant feeling that in a couple of seconds, and sitting on a white friend, you suddenly take off under the ceiling.
** by
You will take off. The Sassy!

Criminal asked to replace her failed photo in a search announcement

The next time you feel dumb, just remember that in 2010, a Canadian Mexican, Roger Ramirez (33 years old) bet on weakness with a friend that he could play Russian roulette. But Roger, apparently, did not know exactly how it was made. And, in the absence of a revolver, he decided to use a gun. The result was quite predictable.

I’m standing with my friend today and talking. I’m telling her about my aunt from the subway who wanted to lose my weight with spiders. And she told me about what she filled up and wanted to lose weight for her daughter’s wedding. Good that I got poisoned. It was so bad that I lost a few pounds, now my clothes are talking to me, "says this beautiful (without fools, very cute and cute) woman. I am standing and riding. Because only a woman can enjoy poisoning. At the same time, I remember how I became seriously ill in the winter and lost 8 pounds in a week. And how, wandering, she slipped down the wall to the weights, to look proudly at the number that had decreased considerably.
Girls, we are invincible. Places are impenetrable.

Not telling not telling
There is no normal ending of the situation at all, except when the girlfriend does not find out that you knew about the adventures of her faithful. It is not always possible to keep it under control. You will tell - an insult, you will not tell, and she will then learn that everyone around her knew, except her - an even greater insult. It would be good for the fools not to engage foreign people in their betrayal, if they themselves do not know how to live honestly, but unfortunately.

The father brought out of the basement a three-litre bowl of “smorodine rubbed with sugar.” Judging by the sticker on the cover, the rye was wiped out 13 (thirteen!) years ago. The mother strictly forbade anyone to touch this bank. But the father tried the strawberry and said that the taste, like last year, only the color somewhat strange became... Now the father chases with a spoonful around the apartment for his younger brother (he is 12 years old) and says: “Have respect for the rice! She is older than you!"

The Vampires

>> Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you. If the vampire does not reflect in the mirror and does not cast shadows, can it be seen on the sonar? and location.
thank you.

It is possible if the vampire is present in the material world as a solid body (the ability to float the fog is attributed to them). Sound waves are elastic mechanical oscillations, and the absence of reflections in the electromagnetic spectrum will not affect them.

Meanwhile, Jeff and I somehow filled them with a bunch of prejudices, and got the size of a false, it was fun. Let them dry up on the stairs. By morning, half was gone.
— — —
The main problem is not that they are blown up into a ball, but that without access to air the foam does not volcanize, simply - does not harden. And if you disconnect, of course, it increases, it will freeze with an inaccurate puddle.

Woke up at night. Sorry, I wanted to go to the toilet. I walk through the hallway - darkness, the eye of the car. I stretched out my hand forward so that in the darkness I would not encounter anything and not awaken the households with a thunderstorm. And suddenly the voice: "I will be your eyes"...
As I realized that this son was playing in his room, I thought I was out of horror.
No, it has not been described.